Tuesday, October 18, 2016

The Flintstones #4

Wilma obviously married Fred for the size of his sausage fingers.

The Review!
Some people write comic books because they never actually cared about comic books but then thought, "Hey! I'm super funny and I can probably con my way into a job with Marvel if I bother the right guy for years on end and then exploit his penchant for being lazy!" And some writers who are not Scott Lobdell write comics to say, "Hey! Look how much smarter I am than you putzes! What a bunch of jerks! I see the truth and shit because I'm a cynical asshole!" That writer is Mark Russell and his attitude is what makes The Flintstones a pretty darn special comic book. If you like reading things written by somebody who takes the opportunity to shit all over everything you believe in--and you probably are since you're reading my blog, you fairy--you'll love Mark Russell's The Flintstones! It's not as good as Prez because Prez had an adorable thing called Corndog girl who made me wish I was a fictional character her age and in her comic book and sexually attractive to her. But it had the same sensibility! The plot existed as a framework mostly to keep a bunch of social conventions in place as Russell skewered them. You may have seen this comic book on the shelves and thought, "Fuck the fucking Flintstones. Maybe I'd watch the stupid ass cartoon if it were the only thing on every channel and I couldn't move and the television wouldn't turn off! Although, wouldn't be fucking hilarious if the show were called The Flintstoners? 420 dude!" If you thought that, you were wrong. Especially about the part where the cartoon would be funnier if it were about pot smokers. Pot smokers are the least funny people on the planet. Of course, there are funny people who occasionally smoke pot, obviously. But those people who base their personalities around the fact that they love to smoke pot? Those people are unbearable.

Some of you may even be passing up this book because you're all, "Steve Pugh is the artist? I don't know, man. Wasn't his Animal Man a little weird to look at and shit?" You might say that but I would never say that! Especially since he follows me on Twitter! I would say things like, "Steve Pugh! How do you pronounce his last name? I do it like I'm throwing up while farting." Anyway, if you ever had doubts about Steve Pugh's art, I'm here to tell you to throw those doubts in the trash bin, Doubty! His work on The Flintstones is fucking beautiful! And I don't just throw the word "fucking" around lightly!

Thanks to America's warmongering reaction to 9/11, I was able to see Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds in concert way back then! It's this whole story I don't want to get into so I don't know why I even brought it up.

Another reason you might enjoy The Flintstones is because it teaches lessons! It has some wise things to say in that way that when said, people tend to dismiss it. Boy, do I know how that feels! In this issue, the reader learns that it really was Adam and Steve except not in Eden. They liked to hang out at the Homo Erectus. Readers also learn that pets are Uncle Toms and the animals doing the Flintstones' housework are akin to slaves! Also, they're reappropriating the derogatory term "appliance" for their own casual use. Readers learn that school simply teaches kids how to be a cog, preferably a quiet one. The reader learns a little bit about science too! I think. I mean, Professor Sargon's lesson sounds like he cribbed it from most of the episodes of The Twilight Zone. That's because he says the fundamental force in the universe is loneliness. I'm fairly certain 98% of all The Twilight Zone episodes were about loneliness. The reader also learns some stuff about marriage! I think! And while they're learning that, they're also learning how big of an asshole they are if they're homophobic and have some kind of problem with same sex couples getting married!

Oh! I also learned that gay people are great to have around your kids! Like if you're climbing a hill or something, they can be all, "Here! We'll help your child up!" And you can be all, "Thanks, gays!"

So, in conclusion, I conclude my review.

The Ranking! +...how many points can I give to a book? I mean, this is one of my favorite comic books right now. So, I mean, I'd give it like +10 or something. But that seems a bit excessive. There are kids in third world countries without any pluses to go around, and here I'd be just heaping them onto this book. How about a +4? I don't think I've given one that high since I abandoned my Ranking System and then set up this knock-off version of it that means even less than the previous one! But that's the whole point of this system, in case most of you missed the satire of it all. Like usual. And then you probably called me dumb and dismissed me instead of saying, "Wow! That Tess is so wise!"

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