Sunday, October 9, 2016

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #5

How is that rolled-up sweat sock Green Lantern still alive?

The Commentary!
• I hope Robert Venditti has the balls to criticize teenagers in this comic book the way Christopher Priest criticized them in Deathstork #3! Should I still be calling him "Christopher Priest"? According to the credits in Deathstork, he just wants to go by Priest now. That seems confusing though. In no alternate universe (or this one either!) will you find a version of me calling Christopher Priest merely Priest. That's not a name! It's a spoiler that somebody is going to be molested.

• Currently in this story, Sinestro believes he's taken over the universe but he's still doing the same things that caused him to fail when he was a petty crook with a yellow ring who couldn't beat a guy whose green ring had no effect on yellow. First off, he's decided that torturing Guy Gardner is a good thing. I can't deny that it's probably a satisfying thing! I'm sure Guy has said a number of horrible things about Sinestro's mother over the years, so why wouldn't Sinestro want to torture Guy? But being that Sinestro is supposedly a great and powerful galactic overlord now, he should be past those petty concerns! He should know that pissing off Guy Gardner is never a good move! Hal is the type of guy who will simply punch you in the face if you piss him off. Guy Gardner definitely knows what the term "teabagging" means and he's probably had some practice doing it.

• If Guy Gardner does escape to teabag Sinestro, that would explain why Lyssa never warns Sinestro that that will be the outcome. You know, since she knows the future. She also probably already knows that she'll be jerking off while watching it.

• Although Lyssa doesn't have to resort to masturbation anymore now that Sinestro's penis is full of Parallax. Just to make sure the Parallax is still working, Lyssa pays Sinestro a visit and they do it.

Who does Sinestro's laundry? Because those sheets are about to get wrecked.

• Soranik tells Hal that she performed Korugarian surgery on him. I guess Korugarian surgery is mostly optional and the option to do it is the doctors. She doesn't explain why he needed to be cut open, probably because he didn't need to at all. I think Soranik had a grudge against Hal from an earlier story and took a shit inside of him.

• 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 makes a brief guest appearance. She doesn't say anything which is a mistake on Venditti's part. Currently there are probably people out there who think 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 sometimes speaks in binary. That's a huge mistake Cullen Bunn, a terrible writer, made in his terrible series, Lost Army, which was terrible. Her people are mathematically inclined. That has nothing to do with the binary language. Maybe if he'd had her curse in mathematical formulas or theorems, I would not have thought, "Christ! Cullen Bunn is a terrible writer and cannot get anything right! How terrible he is at the writing!" Instead I might have thought, "Well, Cullen Bunn certainly is a terrible writer but at least he understands her culture!" Venditti needs to right that wrong as soon as possible!

• Hal continues to talk with Soranik without ever saying, "Why did you cut me open?! What is wrong with you?! Do I smell shit?!"

Ethan Van Sciver's Hal has the most kissable mouth.

• Hal Jordan tells Soranik he's going to blow Warworld to Hell and then he does the Pee Pee Dance. Not the dance you do when you need to pee. The dance you do that's called the Pee Pee Dance! I'm pretty sure that's a thing. If it's not, you'll probably know exactly how it goes now that I've named it and after I show you this scan:

This is the only dance I do at weddings.

• Stewart and his Green Lantern Corps discover millions of ships descending on Mogo. Unless the ships are just floating in space as Mogo rushes towards them. It's hard to tell what's happening in space without relating it to something else, and then you have to choose the way you want to perceive it. But since they see it as the ships attacking, Stewart orders Iolande to fire a warning shot at the lead ship. So Iolande gets into her Crotch Gun which probably has nothing to do with intergalactic penis envy at all, and fires a warning shot that blows the ship to pieces. I don't know. Is that technically a warning shot? I suppose it's a warning to the other ships, right? But it seems like she ignored the spirit of John's command.

• After the ship blows up, John says, "We mean none of you any harm. Attempt to approach our planet, and we will have no choice but to fire on you. Next time, the shot won't miss." Oh? Hmm. Maybe I interpreted the art in the warning shot panel incorrectly.

This was supposed to be a scan of the ship blowing up but I thought people would rather see Iolande inside of her Crotch Gun.

• The ships Stewart encounters are Intergalactic Citizens headed to Warworld to harshly protest Sinestro's heavy taxes. Since his taxes are actually the best and brightest citizens of every civilization, they decided maybe that was too high a price to pay to be in constant fear. They welcome the Green Lanterns and provide them with a Thomas Map to Warworld. Oh. So I guess everybody is suddenly realizing that the Green Lantern Corps wasn't quite as fascist as they seemed to be, huh?! Everybody hates a Green Lantern until they need one!

• Sinestro doesn't realize how close he came to being Richard Ramirezed by the universe! I mean, now he's going to be Los Angeles Police Brutalitied by the universe. I'm not sure what's worse. No wait! I know what's worse: Guy Gardner teabagging him after the battle is over.

The Ranking!
+1! My heart is a shriveled piece of scarred muscle tissue and I still felt some small twinkling of joy when John Stewart was greeted warmly by the Citizens Uniting to Neutralize Totalitarian Sinestro.

1 comment:

  1. Is being a member of C.U.N.T.S. like being a member of C.L.I.T.?