Thursday, October 13, 2016

The Lost Boys #1


According to Internet spelling conventions, shouldn't this be The Loost Boys?

The Commentary!
• My local comic book forced this comic book into my pull box without my consent. But I saw Tim Seeley was writing it, so I suppose I'm okay with it. Although I did make a vow several years ago to never again read a book or watch a movie or television show about vampires because enough already! That vow lasted a week before going to see Concrete Blonde's 20th anniversary of Bloodletting concert.

• Vampires sure have come a long way! Who would have thought that Anne Rice's version of vampires would win out over Stephen King's Salem's Lot version? I suppose you'd have to be a desperately horny teenager to find one of King's vampires attractive. Although I think I'd rather watch that movie.

• My favorite vampire movie is Let the Right One In. It's also my favorite movie about pedophilia! Not that I have a list of favorite pedophile movies. And even if I did, I'm sure it wouldn't be a long list. Let me check. Yeah, it totally wouldn't be a long list! It's taken a bit but I've become a little bit less cynical about the movie and have allowed for the idea that Eli actually cares for Oskar. The title does make more sense if that's the case, being that Eli has let the right one, Oskar, into Eli's life. Before that, Eli had taken a pedophile in as a caretaker. And that makes sense since Eli's turning involved a pedophile who castrated Eli. So Eli, even as a vampire, would be caught in a cycle of abuse. Abusers would be attracted to Eli and Eli would allow abusers into Eli's life. My cynical nature first viewed Eli as a mature predator grooming Oskar to be Eli's next "caretaker". But it seems Eli is really breaking the cycle of abuse and has found somebody in Oskar who actually cares and whom Eli also cares about. Being that the two kids are cute together, I don't mind believing that's the "actual" story. But my cynical side can't help seeing how Eli is grooming Oskar to be just another victim in the cycle of abuse. I should probably read the novel!

• This book isn't based on my favorite vampire movie though! This book is based on The Lost Boys. You can tell because it goes by the same name and there are a lot of Douchebag vampires on the cover (as well as a couple of Coreys). The Lost Boys was filmed in Santa Cruz, California, just over the hill from where I grew up in the valley. I grew up in Santa Clara, California, which is almost the name (Santa Carla) they gave to Santa Cruz in the film! This is one of those movies that I can still go back to and be smashed in the face by nostalgia because almost everywhere they go in the movie, I've physically been to. Also, being from the valley side of the Santa Cruz Mountains, the film feels like a metaphor for surfers trying to keep the valleys off of their turf. I don't remember but I wouldn't be surprised if the vampires had spray painted things like "Valleys Go Home" all over their dark lairs.

• This issue begins with somebody telling somebody else the plot to The Lost Boys. I think things just got meta! I'll know more when I turn the page!

• The guy telling the story works in a comic book shop in Santa Carla. He's describing the plot of a comic book called The Reign of Frogs (ha ha! A Fortean pun!) and written by the sons of the owner of the comic book shop! It's like they lived through the movie and then made a comic book and now this is the next generation who don't know the vampires are real and not just a stupid story!

• No wait! It's from the same era: fall of 1986! You can tell because John Byrne's Superman #1 is on the shelves and it has a cover date of January 1987! Which means it came out about three to four months before that! You can also tell by the comic book guys upturned collar on his unbuttoned white shirt over another button up shirt and his Vans worn without socks and his dress shorts! Plus the guy being told about the Frog Brothers' book is looking for the new Dark Knight Returns comic book! Although, I mean, I just assumed he meant DKIII at first until I saw the Superman #1 cover and an issue of Watchmen on the shelves, and a copy of Matt Wagner's Demon #1 on the wall!

• I am not a comic book nerd!

• So, you know, this story must take place just after the events of the movie. I should rewatch the movie so I'm all caught up and super knowledgeable about recent events in Santa Carla! Also I just want to see Bill S. Preston, Esquire, staked!

• The clock in San Carla is always ticking! But most of all, he loves San Carla! SAN CARLA HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!

• Anyway, the main character turns out to be Sam. That's probably to be expected seeing as how this comic book is called The Lost Boys. You would expect some continuity, right?


I know I mentioned my ban on reading vampire stories earlier, but I would read two-thirds of those vampire comic books.

• The Dude pops in to ruin Sam's moment with the probably a vampire lady. At least I think it's The Dude! It looks like The Dude! He's all laid back and shit and he smokes in a comic book shop. Every book that smoke touches drops to Very Fine in a heartbeat! Dick.

• Meanwhile Sam's brother Michael works at a retirement home and is still dating Star. I don't remember if she was ever a vampire or just a half-vampire or whatnot. But since the head vampire was killed, everybody probably thinks everything is back to normal. FOR NOW!

• Meanwhile, the Frog Brothers are undergoing training with Sam and Michael's grandfather. He's like an old school chill surfer dude vampire slayer or something. Ed Frog mentions how they killed some vampires in the Emerson house previously, so I think that closes the case on when this takes place. Definitely not too long after the end of the movie.

• Later, Grandpa heads up his monthly meeting of the Santa Carla Hunters Union.


I suppose if I just read comic books without thinking about them, I could have let the comic book point out the timeline here.

• The meeting place is set on fire and as the old timer vampire hunters rush out, they're attacked by a new batch of vampires! Oh no! I thought it had all ended with Max and this comic book series was going to be about rebuilding Santa Carla's reputation as a safe vacation spot! I suppose I'm sort of happy that some vampires attacked. The comic book I was expecting might have been a little dull.

• Sam and the Frog Brothers follow some fire engines to the scene to discover Grandpa dying of a bite. When he collapses, he's got the same scratches on his back as the probably a vampire lady that visited the comic book shop hinting about an underground vampire city! How are Sam and the Frog Brothers going to battle a group of super hot female vampires? I don't think you can stake them with a boner. With one or while having one! Whichever way you interpreted that last sentence!

• The issue ends with possibly David (I mean, can you really stake a vampire with antlers? Seriously!) riffing off the final line of the movie while surrounded by his new gang of vampires. They're all hot chicks because this is the eighties and David probably didn't want to look gay by sucking off a guy.

The Ranking!
+1! It's Tim Seeley! He's a comic book writer you can count on! Unless you love Narration Boxes over explicating the story. Then you'll probably hate this comic book. Also if you're sick of vampires, you might hate this comic book as well. Are vampires ever going to be so last week?

Oh! I bet the scratches on the backs of the vampires and victims are like David's brand! It's probably what his back looks like thanks to the antlers he was impaled on!

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