Friday, October 7, 2016

Suicide Squad #3

Is the red dot on Katana's mask to confuse snipers who might be trying to get a bead on her?

The Commentary!
• People hate the term "fake nerd" but it's a real thing, you guys! Here's how you can tell the difference between a nerd and a fake nerd. A fake nerd thinks they're a nerd because of their interests and hobbies. A real nerd shares the same interests and hobbies but everybody thinks they're gross and ugly and won't let them sit at their lunch table. Fake nerds like to pretend that they're not cool because of their interests and hobbies but they actually think not being cool is cool and liking the things they like is cool because it's not cool (even though it's totally mainstream and cool now). A real nerd wants to be cool but can never be cool because they're gross and ugly and why the fuck are you trying to sit at my lunch table?! Fake nerds get offended at people using the term fake nerd because they know that they've never actually had to suffer like a real nerd. A real nerd doesn't want to be a nerd but can't help it because the real nerd is gross and ugly and can't find a place to sit at lunch.

• Let's face it. If you're good looking, you're a fake nerd. That's all there is to it. You can have anxiety problems or be into nerdy things or be terribly shy. But if you're not ugly, you'll never actually know the feeling of being ostracized the way real nerds are ostracized. I know it's a terrible burden to be accused of not being a big enough victim to be a real nerd. How awful for you.

• For the record, I'm not a real nerd. I am fucking marvelous to gaze upon! Or at least I was in my late teens and twenties and probably much of my thirties! Now I'm just a middle-aged guy who doesn't give a fuck about his looks. Christ, who cares?! I'd be happier being a brain in a jar! As long as the jar had a penis, of course!

• I suppose I was a real nerd in Junior High because I was fat and reading Elfquest and had constant dandruff in my eyebrows. But I never felt ostracized or picked on, so I never would have considered myself a nerd. But that was in the early to mid eighties when nobody wanted to be called out as a nerd. Being a nerd had yet to go mainstream. Although I think I was less a nerd and more just a middle-aged man who didn't give a shit about his looks who was in the body of a pre-teen (that sounds like a criminal statement). And then I got a huge crush on Marilyn Mendoza and everything changed! Except the reading Elfquest and other comics! I did lose the weight and the dandruff though!

• I don't really fucking care who is a nerd or who isn't. It's just that sometimes some things need to be said because there's a generation of people who think the world didn't exist before they were born (I mean, that's every generation as they each come along!). Being a nerd means something different to them and when people old enough to remember when it was anathema to be a nerd, it makes a big difference to see people who haven't suffered proclaiming they're a nerd. It's almost as if their pain and agony has been...appropriated. Now being a nerd is all about the trappings and the fandoms. It's easy and cool to be a nerd now. So for the people who still aren't accepted but their likes and hobbies are? That's fucking painful. And then to be outright vilified when they mention their pain? Well, real nerds will always be real nerds, it's just now the fake nerds are the ones picking on them. It was probably easier when the football player was making fun of you for playing Dungeons and Dragons. Now the people making fun of you wouldn't dream of making fun of your hobbies because they like them too. So they have to think up better ways to make fun of you, like your style and looks. But that's wrong so they tie those styles and looks into a stereotype of a person who is hateful, thus giving them a righteous shield to be an asshole.

• Anyway, Zod has escaped from the Phantom Zone in a Russian facility and he's just disintegrated Captain Boomerang with his heat vision! And I just remembered that I can cry!

Oh come on, Amanda! Like you didn't know that the Cosmic Item was actually Zod!

• As Zod fails to kill any other members of the Suicide Squad even though he could probably take them all out with a quick blast of his freeze breath, The Enchantress returns to active duty.

I am so turned on right now.

• Hack, mega-Harley fan, believes she can imprison Zod again if she doesn't die first. The Enchantress fails to protect her but Katana manages it because Katana is a bad ass with a bad ass sword that can apparently help her stop a swinging Kryptonian fist.

• How come Zod is so strong when he's been in The Phantom Zone all of this time and now that he's out, he's in a closed facility under the sea? Doesn't he need to power up with at least a little light from the yellow sun before he has any powers?

• If this were a roleplaying game and my character was Captain Boomerang, I'd be in a huge fucking fight with the Gamemaster at this point! How dare he kill my character by using a Kryptonian's heat vision when that Kryptonian shouldn't have had any powers to begin with! And I'd fucking win that argument, motherfuckers!

• While Hack hacks away and Katana and Flag pretend they're not about to die any second, Harley Quinn and Deadshot murder a battalion of Russian soldiers entering the Black Vault. After they're done making widows of about one hundred Russian women who never did anything to anybody, they meet the real obstacle keeping them from escaping the Black Vault with Zod, the Cosmic Item.

Annihilation Brigade? I would expect them to have a more Russian sounding name!

• One of their names is Cosmonut? But that's a pun! In English! Why would a Russian meta have a name with an English pun?! And one is named Tankograd?! Is that supposed to mean city of tanks? Or hail of tanks? Or does "tanko" mean something totally different?

• I believe their names, beginning in the upper left and going clockwise, are Rotary, Cosmonut Cracker, Orko, Capitan Smiley, and Past Gas.

• Jim Lee managed twelve pages this month. I think that's probably what he's supposed to be doing. But I'm going to keep an eye on him because we all know he's going to be drawing four or six page stories soon enough.

• The back-up story is about Katana and it is called "Choose". Don't worry! I won't write a rant in which I alienate more people when I should just be making stupid jokes! I'll get right into the story this time! Or maybe I'll just read the story and find it lacking and not have anything to say about it.

• Yeah. Well. Nothing to say about that!

The Ranking!
+0! DC Comics couldn't kill people in a Suicide Squad comic that ran twenty pages, how are they going to manage to kill anybody in one that runs only twelve?! It'll never happen! You'd think by now they'd have killed more than just Amanda Waller's assistants and Man-bats?! But no! Nobody! Not one person has been killed in these pages! No! I don't want hear you say anything different. Just hear me when I say nobody has died. NOBODY, GODDAMMIT! He is not dead!

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