Saturday, October 15, 2016

Green Arrow #8

When you're young, stories about romance and fucking make you feel alive. When you're old, you need stories of heartbreaking, unendurable sadness to feel the tiniest amount of anything through the heavy callous of world-weariness covering your heart.

The Commentary!
Here's how the newest season of the television show Arrow began:

Felicity: (to Arrow) "Nobody likes you because you lie about all sorts of stuff that doesn't really matter but they're lies anyway and you shouldn't lie about anything to anybody, jerk!"
Felicity: (to her current boyfriend) "Lies lies lies lies lies lies lies!"

Such a terrible show!

This issue begins with Ollie fighting a bear and then fucking an imaginary Dinah on the beach. Oh man, I hope he's fucking the bear. Please be fucking the bear! I will have a child simply so I can give Benjamin Percy my first born if he has Ollie fuck a bear!

So dreamy!

Later, the bear wanders off to fuck John Diggle. Diggle doesn't pretend the bear looks like Dinah Lance before fucking it. He's hard core.

I'm not making this shit up! This bear is one horny motherfucker!

Dinah turns out not to be a bear after all. Or maybe she's a werebear? That's probably it. And the bear Diggle gets disgusting with is actually a robot so that makes it worse. Or better. Or just different? It's owned by a half-faced woman who owns the island. She does not declare "You can call me No-Face!" because David Finch isn't writing this disaster. If he were writing it, it would have less talk about privilege and racism and more women in thongs and towels.

I guess everybody who didn't sink in Dante's Bank or escape the sinking bank by helicopter, wound up on Bear Fuck Island. Oliver decides to make a list of all of the things he's going to do. But since he doesn't have a pen and paper, he has to pee the words into the sand.

He's really accurate! Especially for a guy who recently ejaculated! That shit will mess up your flow!

Black Canary revises the list by squatting over the word "kill" and piss blasts it into oblivion. That's because she doesn't want to see Oliver kill! It's so much easier to keep Ollie from killing in the comic book. But in the television show, I think the directors of the episodes keep whining that it's hard to film a fight scenes that don't wind up with a bunch of people bleeding out when the protagonist uses piercing weapons to subdue them all!

Dinah and Ollie almost fuck again but Oliver pays too close attention to a scar on the back of Dinah's neck and she gets all butthurt about it. And not in a sexy, Rated X way! I bet it's the scar she got from Team 7 turning her into a walking megaphone that loves to fuck rich turds. It's also probably that it's a serious scar received from some kind of sexual abuse while growing up on the streets, so Oliver isn't allowed to make light of it. Her scars are serious! His are just rich little asshole boy scars! Plus, it's important to tell people what they are allowed to talk about before they begin thinking they can just be all whimsical and light-hearted about anything they want.

Dinah and Ollie find evidence of Diggle's night of animal passion and decide to follow the tracks leading away from the camp. Even though they're bear tracks and drops of semen. No way I'd follow that trail!

The Ranking!
0! I almost gave this comic book a +1 but then I remembered that the majority of it was Black Canary and Green Arrow fucking. That's gross. But at least there's a panel of Diggle and a Bear fucking. That's pretty awesome! I'd say this comic book wasn't nearly as good as that YouTube clip I saw a few days ago where the bat licks his penis until he comes all over his own face but what in the world could be that good?! This was okay if you like smut.

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