Saturday, October 22, 2016

Detective Comics #942

This is how the world ends: swallowed by a vagina with teeth.

The Review!
Some of you are probably thinking, "Oh sweet Christ, Tess! Have you ever seen a vagina?!" That's a personal question that I don't have to answer! Also, "vagina with teeth" isn't redundant, right? No! Don't answer that! I want to be surprised!

Remember that one time Nightwing drove his motorcycle up the side of a building and nobody went, "Fuck you, DC Comics!"? Remember that? Remember how you all just sat back and shrugged your shoulders and thought, "Sure. Okay. Whatever"? Remember?! Because this issue is your fault for not making a fuss! This issue is on you! YOU! Stupid Batman comic book written by Steve Jerkorlando and James Jerkon IV. The last five parts were bad enough with the Japanese Godzilla monsters running all over town doing less damage to Gotham than the Teen Titans do to New York when they go out for a slice of pizza. But this issue is all, "Oh! You think you have a great poker hand with all your hearts and clovers and Jacks and Jills?! Well, let me up the ante and bluff and other poker lingo! I'll show you what a great poker hand looks like!" And this issue does! It shows you a great poker hand! But only if you remember that "poker hand" is analogous to stupid, idiotic comic book moments that are so much worse than Nightwing driving a motorcycle up the side of a building that I just declared bankruptcy on my sanity.

First, DC Comics had Green Arrow hunt down YouTube stars for no reason and nobody said anything because they're intellectually lazy. Then, DC Comics had Superman date Wonder Woman and, well, I mean a lot of people said stuff but it's not like it helped or anything. Then DC Comics had Nightwing ride a motorcycle up a building and nobody said anything because they were too busy shrugging their shoulders over the quality of the comic books. After that, DC Comics put out five hundred Harley Quinn books per week and everybody was all, "Is this diabetes?" And then they finally put Hugo Strange in a Batman suit so he could sit on a throne of psychology books as he psychoanalyzed Batman using kaij┼ź and there was nobody left to speak out for some reason. Also, this isn't the worst part of this issue!

By the way, Hugo Strange's Batsuit is a "Suicide Suit" which will blow him to pieces if Batman so much as stabs him in the face with a batarang. And since that's Batman's go-to move, Batman's totally stymied! I guess Hugo Strange hasn't read Batman's Book of Reasons Why It Wasn't My Fault That the Criminal Died. I'm fairly certain that Batman can rationalize how Strange's death wasn't on him after Batman beats the crap out of him. I can already think of several! "I didn't hear him when he warned me! I mean, you know, I'm sure that that thing I didn't hear was him trying to warn me. But I didn't hear it! Can't prove I did!" Here's another one: "He chose to wear that suit when he knew the first thing I would do is put a Batarang in the air! It was already flying at him when he told me about the suit! His own fault! Should've known better!"

During Hugo Strange's Standard Supervillain Declaration of Intent, he uses the term "cro-magnum". Is he punning?

If I were writing this comic book, the first panel on the next page would be Batman saying, "What's a cro-magnum?" Then Hugo's whole scheme will fall apart as he blubbers and grows increasingly frustrated, insisting that he most definitely did say Cromagnon!

So the next worst part of this story is how the Bat-family battle the huge fifth psycho-mind monster (which must represent Batman's urge to sleep with his mother, right?): they each step into the cockpit of one of the Wayne Towers which have turned into battle stations. Whoever said an intense sense of paranoia coupled with a boundless imagination could move monsters? Was that Mohammad? Because he was right on! Batman made the ultimate Rampage Defense System! I might not know who said that thing I just made up but I do know who said the thing that will help in this situation: Vyvyan of The Young Ones! "This calls for a delicate blend of psychology and extreme violence."

Actually, it's almost as if Steve Orlando planned this whole story based on hearing Vyvyan's quote! I mean, Vyvyan was talking about catching some dirty socks that had escaped the hamper. But I think even though this story is off the charts comic booky, having Hugo Strange sick dirty socks on Gotham to defeat Batman is a little too Ambush Bug off the comic book charts.

Lucius Fox never quite got around to building the Voltron System into the towers, so the Bat-Family don't get to merge them into a giant attacking tower robot. That's too bad. I would have been back on board if only the comic book had gone so far past my suspension of disbelief that I couldn't believe it, thus creating a double negative disbelief loop which would cause me to totally buy into this story. Instead of Wayne Voltron, Nightwing decides the way to end this monster is to dive into its mouth. But only after he realizes that this monster represents Batman's ego! You know, I've often thought to myself in those quiet moments when the technological world isn't slowly eating away at my psyche and inner peace, "Batman's ego probably looks like a hundred foot monster with a tooth-filled sphincter for a mouth."

Batman defeats Strange by having Clayface encompass the floor of the building Strange and Batman are on so that they eventually run out of air. Hugo collapses to the floor and, presumably, dies due to the "thump" of his Suicide Suit hitting the floor. But Batman doesn't have to take blame for that one! How could Batman have known Hugo would fall over when he ran out of oxygen?!

Oh yeah. And Nightwing survives because the monster vomits him out before it reverts back to its regular size.

Later, the Justice League come by to help clean up Gotham which is like the most unbelievable part of this entire story. They can't think up an excuse to get out of this work? It's not like Batman ever invites them over just to hang out! He always wants something. What a Bat-jerko.

The Ranking!
0! Here's something I don't need to read ever again: an evil villain psychoanalyzing a superhero whom they know only through that hero's public persona! I guess it's fine this time because Hugo Strange is a maniac who doesn't actually know how to do his non-super-villain job. So it's okay if he makes sweeping generalizations and Evel Knievel sized leaps of logic and monstrous assumptions while mistaking them for a brilliant bit of psychoanalyzing. Also, I mean, this finished much better than the rest of it. Except Hugo really should have died. I guess his Suicide Suit was just a bluff!

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