Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Midnighter and Apollo #1

Why did they add the "and"?! If a comic book finally deserved to have "love" added between the names of the title characters, it's probably this one!

The Commentary!
Apparently there's a professional wrestling event being televised right now but I wasn't really in the mood for something so homoerotic. So instead I'll read this!

But first, a word from DC's sponsor!

I hope this isn't targeted at gay people because it's giving me a boner.

At one point, I was a fan of Apollo and Midnighter. But ever since they broke up and Midnighter moved on, I've realized they're better off apart. Mostly because Apollo is a super boring loser. I suppose that makes sense because he was meant to be Hyper-Superman and Superman is a regular boring loser. But Batman is super ultra cool which makes Midnighter mega super duper ultra cool! And I just don't think it's fair to Midnighter to be shackled to a boring prig. Also Apollo is blond and uck! Midnighter needs a swarthy, dark-haired, probably musky fellow with an indeterminate accent! Or Dick Grayson. Anyway, I'm sorry to say, Apollo, you're just not good enough for Midnighter anymore. I hope this series ends with your death.

This issue begins with Midnighter confronting some Los Angeles subway pirates. Now I wish subway pirates were a real thing. And I don't mean a real thing as in a Craigslist ad for a flash mob calling for people dressed as pirates to invade a subway at a specific time and place. I want a real gang of terrible people swarming all over subway cars in search of booty.

Midnighter is after the subway pirates because they've kidnapped a bunch of children to fuel the God Train. The God Train is a giant humanoid made out of subway cars. It's like an inner city Voltron. It's also a bit like the shitty knock-off robot toy your grandmother buys you for your birthday when you ask for Optimus Prime. And even though the disappointment breaks your heart as you open the present and see shit where glory should have been, you can't even complain about it because your grandmother is sitting there with a huge grin across her face convinced that she got you exactly what you wanted. Stupid old biddy.

After the children are saved and the Train God deconstructed, Midnighter and Apollo have dinner with Tony and Marina. Tony is Midnighter's heterosexual friend who owns a bar and Marina is Midnighter's Penny One except he calls her Asset 14. Unless those things are wrong and I'm misremembering the Midnighter series. You would think writing about the books as I read them would help me remember them. But I think it's the opposite. I think I get so involved in the things I'm writing, I don't pay as close attention to the book as I should. Plus I lie a lot about what actually happened in the comic book and later can only remember the lie.

After dinner, Midnighter and Apollo do whatever it is gay guys do when they're dating. Fall sleep on the couch watching Seven Brides for Seven Brothers?

Or whatever this is!

After Coitus Broadway Musicalis, Apollo and Midnighter have one of those discussions I'm really getting tired of. It's that one where one hero says, "Killing is bad!" And then the other hero says, "Killing is good!" Why does it have to be one or the other? Midnighter says, "Some people just need to be killed." And I think that gets to the heart of it, even though when Midnighter says "some," he actually means "all." The issue shouldn't be that a hero should never kill a bad guy. Sometimes, a supervillain should be killed! Especially when the asshole has returned for the sixty-fifth time in three years and has murdered bunches of people upon each return. I can forgive certain characters for not killing, like Batman and Superman. Superman never needs to because he's all powerful. Batman never needs to because he'll get a taste for how easy it is and the next thing you know, the only punishment for breaking a law in Gotham will be death by Batman. Which is kind of the way it goes with Midnighter. He did kill an awful lot of Subway Pirates, many of whom probably just liked dressing up as pirates and hanging out on the subway and knew nothing of the kidnapped children. Although I'm not going to cry over a bunch of corpses of people who liked dressing up as pirates in public. Good riddance!

Meanwhile in Gotham's Oblivion Bar, Henry Bendix is searching for somebody to destroy Apollo and Midnighter. The only person--er, people--um, demons?--willing to take him up on the offer are the Lords of the Gun. For payment, Bendix gives them the Ace of Winchesters, the only weapon able to destroy them. The last time I saw this gun was in Hitman during the "Ace of Killers" story! Has it taken the Lords of the Gun all this time to get the weapon back to hell?

Bendix is just engaging in self-preservation since Midnighter is currently looking for him. And as noted earlier, Midnighter doesn't seek out villains just to let a court decide their fate. And when Midnighter finally finds Bendix in his hidey-hole, Bendix is waiting to trap Midnighter. He locks Midnighter in the bunker with him while the Mawzir attacks Apollo and Opal City.

I see the Mawzir dropped the swastika from his forehead!

Apollo cannot escape the power of Mawzir's bullets and finds himself in Hell after being shot. So this series is going to be Midnighter versus all Hell? I've got ten bucks on Midnighter!

The Ranking!
+2! Heck, I should bump that up to +3 just for having Mawzir and the Lords of the Gun as guest stars! I talk about how poorly I remember comic books (I just did it right here in this commentary!) but I have to admit there are a few exceptions. Hitman is one of them. Oh! Maybe Midnighter will rescue Tommy Monoghan who is surely in Hell, right?! RIGHT, DC COMICS?!

Oh! And also? Apollo died just like I wished! Ha ha!

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