Saturday, October 29, 2016

The Sheriff of Babylon #10

I finally found Issue #10!

How is it that this Vulture person gets a blurb that doesn't make any goddamn sense while I've written up dozens of blurbs that totally make sense and also talk about putting my tongue in Tom King's ass? Who wouldn't want to pick up this comic book after reading "So good I owe Tom King a rimjob at the next nerd meet-up in San Diego! -- Grunion Guy!"? Of course that's predicated on if he's taken a shower recently! You can tell by the funk of the convention center how terrible everybody's asses must be after a few hours of walking around that place. I wonder how long it takes to air that place of the stank of nerd ass?

I mean, is that really the best use of "comprehensive", Vulture? I suppose what Vulture is trying to say in Vulture's convolutedly succinct way is that the story takes into account every aspect of war and not that it's a complete record of every war ever. Maybe the "of our generation" caveat is supposed to make me feel better about using the term comprehensive since "of our generation" basically means "war in the Middle East." But still, is it really comprehensive in its examination of everything that goes on in war? I don't think so. I mean, I haven't seen any reference to the Ether Bunny who uses ether on other soldiers to knock them out and have his way with them.

Last issue ended with Sofia and Chris and the other guy who shit himself's plan falling apart when Abu Rahim came to the ambush wearing a suicide vest. Now they can't just kill him! They have to actually talk to him. Ugh! Doesn't Tom King want this comic book to be successful?! Fill it with punches, not words! Tom King must hate popularity. Although he seems to be doing good work writing a comic book so confusing that it must be super intelligent! Have you seen all of the great cover blurbs he's garnered?! Like, so many! Even Warren Ellis says this book is good! He probably really loved the part where the guy shit himself. So funny!

Oh! I just thought of a good cover blurb that Tom King could use! "Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold. -- W.B. Yeats"! Because shit is falling down all over the place in this story. Especially now! It's like Tom King was all, "This is a twelve issue story. It would be good to start the climax at about Issue #10." And his publisher probably responded, "You know you're writing comic books, right? Don't think about it so hard! Just think up conflicts and have the hero punch their way out of it!" I can't wait to see Sofia punch her way out of this mess with Abu Rahim and the Americans with raging kill Abu Rahim boners!

Look, I'm just not smart enough to do justice to this comic book. So here are some panels that show how terrific it is and how smart it makes you feel when you pretend to understand it and recommend it to your friends.

That previous scan is how I feel most of the time! I'm Nassir and comic book fandom is Abu Rahim. I'm all, "Aquaman upskirts dolphins!" And the Aquaman fandom are all, "Is that a joke?" And I'm all, "Maybe! Although a maybe heavily weighted in truth!" And then they're all, "SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP!", where the slaps are messages that say awful (but true) things about my mother. And just like how I double down on anybody criticizing me and become an even worse monster until they realize I'm not worth the aggravation and I go on with my life pretending I accomplished something by driving them off in frustration and anger, Nassir continues to get in Abu Rahim's face while Abu continues to slap the shit out of him.

While Nassir loses the pissing contest to Abu, Chris is busy talking to the American guy who got this whole mess started by recruiting one of Chris's police trainees to infiltrate Abu Rahim's organization. The murder of that recruit is what got Chris started on his investigation. While Sofia is busy telling Nassir and Abu Rahim that this shit isn't a game, the guy who started it all keeps telling Chris how everything was Game On this and Game On that. I think there's a point to all of that somehow.

The pissing contest between Nassir and Abu Rahim becomes a pissing contest between Sofia and Abu Rahim. But Abu Rahim is all out of piss and Sofia has buckets full. And Abu Rahim drinks it all, willingly. He sees the light through Sofia's piss and knows that she is getting shit done. Of course, he's still the guy who caused Sofia to lose her baby so he's probably fucked. It's hard to tell because everybody is on every side based on their own agendas! Post-war fudge-ups are so confusing!

Meanwhile, that guy who fucked up the first mission to get Abu Rahim finishes his story about killing the people the police trainee led them to. But those people were kids and women and Christian. And so Bob, the guy whose name I've been forgetting to use, probably went and killed Ali, the police trainee, for using the Americans to kill some family for Abu Rahim. And that's how shit got started. Well, some of the shit, anyway.

The Ranking!
1. The Sheriff of Babylon (*)
2. New Super-man (*)
3. Deathstork (*)
4. Wonder Woman (*)
5. Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (*)
6. Suicide Squad (*)
7. The Flash (*)

Is it really fair to judge this comic book against mainstream superhero comic books? Of course not! This comic book is saying things! At least I think it's saying things. It should mean something.

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