Swamp Thing #35

Swamp Thing's nemesis should be The Parking Lot.

Due to various reasons (the main reason being that DC won't stop publishing way too many comic books each week), I'm two weeks and two comic books behind. That's not counting Green Arrow #35 which apparently never shipped anywhere in Portland. I think checking two comic book stores qualifies as a big enough sample to draw that conclusion. I knew I should have picked it up when I saw it in Mile High Comics in Denver! Stupid! I'm mentioning this because people are probably thinking, "Why the fuck is Tess writing about a comic book that came out two weeks ago? Everybody was done talking about that comic book when the solicits came out six months ago." I don't actually know how far in advance solicits come out but then that quote wasn't me so I wasn't wrong if the information was wrong. The idiot I was quoting was wrong. And since I was quoting a reader, you might be the idiot!

This issue begins with the origin of curiosity.

Most lives consist of lots of if/then statements that lead to a multiplicity of subroutines. Right now I'm stuck in an if/then loop until I finish this commentary and then I can goto Titanfall.

The impulse is the germination of A Calculus, the guy in the suit with no face that appeared at the end of last issue. He represents machines or efficiency or artificial intelligence. He's a salesmen or a preacher come to sell Swamp Thing a better way! I don't where the better way leads but I feel like it leads away from fun, emotions, wanderlust, and desire. A Calculus is probably all about getting shit done! I hate them already!

I gotta say, I'm emotions!

Now the Monorail Song is stuck in my head. Thanks a lot, Lyle Lanley!

I just did some fact checking to make sure I got Phil Hartman's Music Man con artist character's name right and was thoroughly surprised that I did. I don't know what's wrong with you, brain. Why can't you think of the name of people close to you while you're talking with them but you can come up with a twenty year old character from The Simpsons?!

A Calculus offers Alec a deal: Alec allows A Calculus to manage The Green and Alec gets to run around and play superhero. A Calculus makes it sound very appealing, just like good salesmen do. You know, they lay out all the benefits until you're practically shoving the money into their hands before finding out the cost. So, A Calculus. What is this going to cost Swamp Thing?

Swamp Thing, being a better and more informed shopper than I ever was, doesn't even care what the price is. He just tells A Calculus to fuck off and they fuck off.

Jonah, you Luddite! Also, you pine tree!

I guess the idea of the machines running The Green was more of a Shelbyville idea!

Swamp Thing discovers The Machine fortress up in the Arctic where they're sure to never run into any do-gooder heroes because why would any of them ever fly around in the Arctic? Swamp Thing considers sinking their fortress but decides he'll wait until they give him reason to.

I guess next issue he'll have reason to! Jonah was right! I guess even a clock smashed by a Luddite is right twice a day!

Swamp Thing #35 Rating: +1 Ranking. Those salesmen that won't take no for an answer aren't the worst kinds of salesmen. The worst kind are the ones that take no for an answer but then come back later to murder you.