Doomed #2

I realize Superman is currently part Doomsday, but can I still declare this as the worst drawing of Superman in the last 75 years?

Usually I joke about not remembering what's been happening in a comic book but I'm telling you up front that the next sentence is not a joke. I don't remember what's been happening in this comic book. Hmm, I don't think I needed the disclaimer about that previous sentence not being a joke since it didn't even come close to making me laugh. Anyway, the last Chapter of Doomed was that one where Supergirl was kissed against her will by that rapist asshole Michael in the wheelchair. What a fucking dick. I hate that guy. Also, that story didn't really have anything to do with Doomed. So rereading my commentary on it didn't help at all. I guess I'll just dive in. At least I'm excited about not seeing Scott Lobdell's name on the cover because fuck that guy!

If I discovered a genie that granted me three wishes, I would begin by wishing for more genies. Then I would wish for a ten inch pianist. Then I would wish that whoever was writing Lois Lane's articles for the Doomed story line would accidentally fall into a time machine set to the moment of his birth where that person would travel back in time and the time machine would land on the baby just as the doctor was bringing it into the world. No wait! I'd wish that I had a time machine so I could go back in time and fuck my great grandfather! I mean my great grandmother!

I'm not going to point out how Lois Lane doesn't know how to utilize commas because I don't know how to utilize commas and I might look like an idiot when everything I say winds up being incorrect. But I am going to point out how horrible this article is and could never have been written by the world's greatest journalist's wannabe girlfriend. At least Lois helped me remember where we left off with this story.

This issue is called "Evolutions" or, as Young Earthers would say, "Stupid Lies By Biased Dumb Dumb Heads That Nobody Should Listen To Or Else You Will Most Definitely Go To Hell."

The final hope of Earth are currently hiding away in the Fortress of Solitude watching as the citizens of Smallville all go into cardiac arrest. But I'm sure it will be a very slow kind of cardiac arrest. You know the kind? The kind your uncle always gets when he goes to those buffets and eats six steaks and then slumps in his chair pounding on his chest to try to stop the pain. That's the kind of heart attack that can go on for weeks before the victim finally seeks medical attention because he can't get a boner.

Lana Lang embarrasses Martian Manhunter by asking him where Superman is instead of saying, "Hey, Johnny boy. Can you, like, start saving everybody already? You're more powerful than Superman, right? Although we really could use Superman since he looks human so everybody looks to him as an icon of truth and justice and the American way whereas they just look at you and throw up in their mouths a little bit." Maybe it would be more embarrassing if she were to say those things, so it's probably better she just left it at asking J'onn to find Superman.

Look at that smirk on Batman's face! He's enjoying this! What a dick.

The plan now is for Superman, as Doomsday, to locate Brainiac within his ship and kill him. Because that worked out so well with Doomsday! What's the next big Superman story going to be called? Superdoomiac? Maybe Superman should stop killing things when he can't force them into the Phantom Zone.

You know what? Maybe Superman should also stop forcing aliens into the Phantom Zone! That may be representative of The American Way but it's certainly not Justice! It may or may not be Truth depending on how big of an asshole philosopher you are.

Speaking of asshole philosophers!

So according to Brainiac, all Superman has to do to defeat Brainiac is to stop observing him! Then he'll stop existing! Or does Brainiac exist through his own observations of himself? He observes, therefore he is?

Brainiac has come up with a philosophical thought so, as an asshole philosopher, he believes his thought must be true. So he's collecting lots and lots of sentient minds so that he can tell them they're seeing what Brainiac wants them to see and then that thing they think they're seeing will exist. He's so stupid he doesn't even understand his own philosophy! In the panel I scanned, he points out that phenomena only exists if it's observed. But that doesn't say that believing you're observing something causes it to come into existence! I think Brainiac might be that fucking asshole in my Freshman Philosophy of Science course that caused me to drop the class after the first day.

While Brainiac idea-masturbates all over the inside of Clark Kent's mind, Cyborg Superman attacks the Fortress of Solitude. Supergirl arrives to battle him because he's her problem. Still no sign of Wonder Woman straddling Warworld as she brings it out of the Phantom Zone to battle Brainiac's ship.

I don't know which of the dozen artists drawing this issue fucked up Supergirl's costume here but I'm glad they did! This is how it should actually look! These Kryptonian Biker Shorts are much cuter than that red diaper she normally wears.

Wonder Woman doesn't come riding out of the Phantom Zone like I wanted her to. Instead she just fires it from inside the Phantom Zone, through the portal, and at Brainiac's ship. Boring! Wonder Woman should force Mongul to sign over the pink slip to Warworld. She is the God of War now. I think it belongs to her. It would make a great base. Or she could just park it somewhere in London and turn it into an apartment building.

When is Superman going to defeat Brainiac with love? I hope he hugs and kisses him which will cause Brainiac to fall to his knees yelling, "NOOOO!" Because what Brainiac doesn't realize is he's battling Earthlings! Earthlings! No other creature in the universe is capable of such strength, resilience, and love! That's because we've all seen the power of love due to the movie The Yellow Submarine. And also maybe Back to the Future as well.

Superman finds out that Brainiac simply wants a universe where his wife and son are still alive. That's why he needs Earth minds! Because they understand how the only thing that really matters is the love of a good wife and son! Earthlings sure are dumb. But Brainiac keeps fighting even when Superman seems willing to help him create his wish. So Lois Lane gives Superman Brainiac's power to go along with his Doomsday power!

Superdoomiac! Just like I said! Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Superman uses his new Brainiac powers to toss Brainiac (and himself, apparently) into a Black Hole. Instead of being crushed to death, Superman uses some of Brainiac's Philosophy of Science Powers to believe that a Black Hole is a doorway into another world instead of just a gigantic gravitational death trap. Brainiac winds up listening to some computer speak about acquiring assets for its collection while seeing several different scenes of the Preboot Universe. So Flashpoint breaks down inside of a Black Hole? So that's what all the New 52 Haters should do! Throw themselves into a Black Hole! Why do I keep capitalizing Black Hole?!

Doomed #2 Rating: No change because it isn't in the rankings. What the fuck just happened?! Blue Beetle was in that black hole! Along with Dick Grayson's horrible Nightwing outfit! And Superman's outside underwear! And the original OMAC with his weird ass girlfriend in a box! And a straight Alan Scott! And Harley in her old outfit! And maybe a scene from Flashpoint itself with the Flashpoint Aquaman battling the Flashpoint Wonder Woman? I forget what they looked like but I think they were at war in Flashpoint, right? I'd probably remember better but Flashpoint changed things so that I don't remember Flashpoint very well. Is Superman going to be back in Preboot Continuity now?!