Grayson #3

Even when he's a monster, it's all about Dick Grayson's ass.

Spyral has been hunting body parts much the same way that that one person hunted body parts and then found all the body parts except the penis but who the fuck needs a penis anyway? What good is it? Sure, it makes the testicles look less ridiculous by bisecting the sacky, odd hanging little scrotum. But what else is it good for? Oh, sure, it's lots of fun to put in your mouth and feel its veiny goodness grow harder and harder against your eager tongue. I suppose if you're born with a penis and you're used to having a penis, it would be traumatizing to have it eaten by a fish. But don't worry, folks! That guy that I was talking about never lost his penis! That was just Greek propaganda! Or, more likely, Greek error since they seemed to get a lot of shit wrong. People like to talk about all the great advances they gave the world but if you compare the stuff they knew to the stuff they got wrong, you'd probably have to admit that their discoveries were entirely accidental. If I had a few thousand years to make up all kinds of stupid shit, some of that stupid shit would invariably wind up being true.

The body parts Spyral has been looking for used to belong to a person named Paragon. That person also has some connection with Stormwatch and why they're currently disbanded. And that's why Midnighter has been seen in this comic book. Midnighter has also been seen in this comic book because he hasn't been allowed to beat the fuck out of Batman yet, so he's going to take a shot at Dicky-poo instead.

Currently Dick and Helena need to hunt down Paragon's eyes which are probably being held by a guy named The Old Gun. He's old and he shoots guns.

Seems like a sensible plan.

Since this Old Gun guy exists, and the Ten-Eyed Man exists, I'm just going to assume that a villain exists in the DC Universe that can see through his penis and one that can see through her breasts.

The next scene where Dick Grayson meets Agent 8 may go down in history as one of my favorite scenes ever in comic book history. Sure, sure. It's a little bit obvious. Female agent teaching male agent how to work his gun so that it results in a female orgasm. Or something. Well, Tim Seeley did it better! But the way the scene finishes with Agent 8 helping Grayson steady his gun and telling him to cause the explosion leading to a turn of the page where the reader is greeted with this:

Magnificent!

Who knew my earlier rambling about penises would pay off so quickly!

The pillowy gun talk that follows sucks because it shows Tim Seeley is entirely too competent and knows what he's doing. Dick is in good hands. Which means I'm not going to have any fun at all trashing this comic book as I read it. Suck it, Tim Seeley. How dare you ruin my good time.

During the pillow talk, Dick points out that guns don't solve problems. Dick wants to help The Old Gun and shooting him is the least helpful thing he can think to do. So now Dick is going to have to teach Agent 8 how to rely on things other than guns! And most of those things will probably have "bat" shoved onto their names.

Dick and Agent 8 and Agent 1 and Helena all head to Kuala Lumpur where Dick encounters The Old Gun during the one moment Dick can be sure The Old Gun's eyes are holstered.

That's a weird place for great big windows! They must have been installed for plot reasons.

Dick kind of fucks up the mission so that the other agents ditch to meet up again later. Or maybe Dick didn't fuck it up at all but wanted to help The Old Gun without the other spies breathing down his neck telling him to stop being such a do-gooder. Except that plan fails almost immediately and Agent 1 saves Dick's life. In doing so, they have to let The Old Gun get away. But they don't take his eyes. I would have taken at least one of his eyes!

Look, he's not going to use a gun! So give him something he will use! Like a couple of sticks!

Dick Grayson decides he needs some proper intel on The Old Gun so he calls up Batman and asks him to feed some punch cards into the Bat Computer. The Bat Computer spits out a note that says The Old Gun has a preschool aged son. Dick realizes that must be why The Old Gun wants Paragon's eyes for himself. It's much easier to look at your son in public if you aren't sticking a gun in his face.

Using his new, useful, non-Spyral information, Dick Grayson intercepts The Old Gun to try talking to him again. This time it works and The Old Gun gives Dick the eyes because he can't use them and everybody has a good laugh! The end!

Whoops! Wait! The comic was supposed to end on the laugh, right?!

The Old Gun was shot by Agent 8. In retaliation, The Old Gun shoots Agent 8! See what happens when you rely on guns, Agent 8! The whole world goes blind! Or something.

I want a hand embroidered quote to hang on my bathroom that says, "Gunliness is next to Godliness." I once took a Shakespeare class in college where the professor mentioned how much he loved a specific quote (which I can't remember so I should make it up just to improve the story) and said he'd love to have it hanging in his house. So on the day of the final, a girl from class gave him the quote, hand embroidered and framed. He gave her an A and let her leave without taking the final. I got an A in that class too and it also had to do with a gift with "hand" in its name!

After the shootout, we learn Agent 8's name is Alia but she's dead now so it hardly matters. Agent 1's name is Tiger. And Agent 37's name is Dick Grayson!

Here are more secrets known to Spyral! Too bad this secret is known to everybody already.

Grayson #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. If Dick Grayson can become my favorite character after hating him for twenty-five years, I wonder if I'll love Vibe when I'm 68?