Futures End #22

Captain Broccoli Head?

Finally! Captain Broccoli Head returns from limbo! I was so pissed that he was benched in The New 52! But now it looks like he's back! And he's steamed! Ouch! I think I just dislocated my pun bone! Also now I'm hungry.

Last issue of Futures End was a complete waste of time unless you're especially into that part of murder mysteries where the detective spends a full chapter repeating all of the clues that she's found during the rest of the book but in a linear, didactic, and patronizing manner so that the stupid cops can catch up and get with the program. I'm actually fond of that part of the book but not because I've been wondering how the detective knew what she knew. I just like seeing extra smart people treat averagely smart people like they're barely competent.

Here's how I think the new Superman Loves Batman movie should open. Superman, Batman, Aquaman, and Wonder Woman will be eating cheeseburgers in a small seaside town when Superman will cock his head and say, "There's trouble in Nebraska!" Aquaman will hang his head and say, "Go on without me. I'll get the bill. Again." Then the others will fly to Nebraska in Wonder Woman's invisible jet where they'll find Blockbuster rampaging across a small farming community for evil and, probably, Republican reasons. They'll land and quickly exit to stand in a pose that would make a great movie poster before Superman flies off and hits Blockbuster with a silo. Batman will say, "No grain, no pain!" while Wonder Woman shifts uncomfortably as she tries to make sure the camera can see both her boobs and her ass at the same time.

I've probably nailed the opening so that when the movie comes out, y'all are just going to think I had access to an advance copy of the script. I assure you I did not and my spot on prediction of the opening scene is simply due to my status as a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader.

This is where I make a stupid segue back to Futures End but since it will be pained, I'll just skip it and get on with the comic book.

Actually, Jason Rusch, it's not a tough issue at all! Stop blaming the Twofers for your problem! It's not their fault that they had lousier superheroes than New 52 Earth who couldn't manage to stop Darkseid!

Lois Lane has posted on her blog about how Superman is a sham...a Shazam sham! Jason Rusch's professor, Doctor Yamazake, has what I expect is supposed to be the typical New 52 Earther reaction. He believes this shows the Justice League has no respect for the people they're supposedly protecting. I think the real reaction would be people reading it and saying, "Hmm, yeah. That makes sense. Why else would Superman have suddenly begun wearing the mask unless it was because he still had those Doomsday bone growths sprouting out from his face." I think the revelation that Superman is Shazam is more comforting than finding out Superman still has a high percentage of Doomsday Herpes running through his veins.

Regular people aren't responsible enough to utilize transporter technology safely! Just imagine all of the Brundleflies that would be roaming the streets!

I think this entire transporter business is simply building up to Jason Rusch and Ronnie Raymond finally merging completely as one happy couple.

On the next page, Lois Lane uses the "sham" word to describe the Shazam/Superman story. Too bad she didn't use that as her headline. Or better yet, her headline should have been, "You Won't Believe What Happens To This Twelve Year Old Boy When He Says His Magic Word!" I know Billy Batson isn't twelve anymore but I can't bring myself to think of him as a grown man. It's less pleasant having a grown man that turns into another grown man. Where's the thematic issues there? Where's the fantasy?

Meanwhile at The Wounder Duck, a bunch of lame ducks are hanging out together being lame. Was that a good line? I think I'm at my best right now! Also, those lame ducks are Ronnie Raymond (lame duck because he can't be Firestorm alone), Billy Batson (lame duck because Lois Lane castrated him on the most popular blog to ever exist), and Red Robin (lame duck because he was written by Scott Lobdell for three years). If this were fan fiction, that bar rag would soon be a cum rag. Was that a good line? Am I back on top yet?! What if I made another lame duck joke?

Speaking of lame ducks and jokes, Justin is currently hiding out in a motel room waiting for Voodoo and her Deadly Friends (that's their version of the Super Friends. They thought about being called the "Deadly Vixens" but decided that was fucking sexist bullshit) to get back from being deadly and/or stripping. Justin, if you don't remember (and I'm sure you don't) is Cole Cash's Dungeons and Dragons playing nerd friend. He might be my favorite character in Futures End.

He may also be the future Oracle because the previous Oracle had too many vaginas.

Voodoo's team is actually codenamed "OPS". That's the worst codename ever. OOPS would have been better. I'm not even going to guess what "OPS" stands for because all of my guesses would be sexist and demeaning. Although I will admit, it's less being sexist that would cause my guesses to be sexist and mostly just being immature. Because if this were an all guy team and they were called "OPS," I'd probably suppose the "P" stood for penis. Maybe it does here as well! "Official Penis Suckers?" Dammit! See? I knew making a guess at the acronym would cause me to put my penis in my mouth!

I wonder if anybody has ever marketed a product called Freudian Slippers? One slipper would look like a cigar and the other one would look like a keyhole. Or one slipper would look like a train and the other one would look like a tunnel. Or one slipper would look like a rocket and the other one would look like a vagina. Also, because our product line wouldn't want to be hetero bullies, we could sell cigars and trains together as well as orchids and keyholes.

Freudian slippers already exist (of course) except they're slippers that look like Freud. What a wasted opportunity. I'd better think up another Freudian themed product! How about a game show called Family Freud? "We surveyed 100 people. How many said they would fuck their mother?"

If I had Voodoo's power, I'd be able to shapeshift into almost four different people and/or animals! Depending on how we're going to define "intimate"!

The website that Justin has hacked into shows King Faraday is only the second to this strike team called "OPS." Their controller is Frank Rock! I guess he enjoyed leading black ops teams so much in the 2000 revival of the Suicide Squad that he decided to get back into it in The New 52.

Meanwhile, for those interested in the main plot involving Batman Beyond, A.L.F.R.E.D. tells Terry McBatman that Brother Eye's satellite is inoperable. But Brother Eye has moved to Cadmus Island where, as we've seen, he's taking control of everyone through the biomonitors placed inside all of the Twofers. And then for those interested in the budding relationship between Hawkman's Penis and Amethyst's Princess Vagina, the scene changes to "Somewhere in Deep Space" where Frank, Amy, and Katar finally meet Brainiac.

This is where I would normally scan the picture of their meeting but it's a double page splash and I hate scanning those. So just imagine a big green penis that kind of looks like Brainiac staring down at the new Stormwatch and telling them that they're on The Blood Moon. So apparently Brainiac gets his power from menstruation now? But before anything really interesting can happen, something interesting happens. Ray Palmer (in costume) and Black Adam appear to rescue the new Stormwatch team!

Futures End #22 Rating: +1 Ranking. I think I liked this issue better than subsequent issues. I think. Maybe. Anyway, I like Bangers and Mash because now I'm hungry again. I wonder if they'll battle Captain Broccoli Head next issue?