Green Lantern Corps #35

Call him a Black Lantern just because he's black. Comic books are racist.

I wish I was constantly angry over stupid shit just so it looked like I was intelligent and full of passion. Instead, I just get angry over comic books. And even then, the anger is just for show so it looks like I care about something. What I'm really doing is just killing time. Should I be doing something more important with my life? No, probably not. Who cares?! It's not like I feel the need to prove myself to some authoritative father figure! I don't need constant love and attention and cookies from some all-encompassing mother figure! Well, maybe the cookies. But Oreo supplies those, so I save my love for the Oreo Corporation. And most people are tyrannical assholes who think the way they live their life is the way everybody else should live theirs, thereby ensuring that mainstream society sucks fucking ass and is hardly worth participating in.

Oh wait! I just remembered something I want to be angry about which I've been angry about before but who's stopping me from ranting about it again? Certainly not some dictatorial dad-monster that raised me to GO GO GO and MAKE THAT MONEY, SONNY! Here's what I want to hate on now: Paying It Forward! The whole concept of "Paying It Forward" is bullshit. Stop being stupid, dumb, motherfucking bullshit assholes. Oh yeah, I'm the one being tyrannical now! But I'm being tyrannical with good advice! Paying It Forward might make you feel philanthropic because you bought some stupid twat their coffee, but what you're really doing is trying to oblige that stupid twat to also Pay It Forward. And if everybody is constantly Paying It Forward, YOU AREN'T FUCKING DOING ANYTHING, YOU DUMB NITWITS! Why doesn't everyone just pay for their own fucking coffee?! It's practically the same thing! When a Pay It Forward chain begins, you know what gets accomplished?! One fucking person gets their coffee for free and it's the asshole that finally thinks, "Fuck that. I ain't paying for the next guy's shit." So that dick gets all the benefit while the person who began it is just out an extra few bucks. Oh, sure! You all feel so fucking giddily happy with yourselves for participating in Paying It Forward. Look at you! Patting yourself on the back for doing an inconsequentially decent thing. Such a maverick! Just changing the world one stupid decision at a time! You go, moron!

Fucking dicks. Now your Paying It Forward bullshit has ruined my day. Stop playing your stupid Paying It Forward games and actually help people in need if you feel the need to partake in some form of charity. Except that actually takes thought and time, doesn't it? It's much easier to wait until somebody else pays for your lunch to remind you that you want to feel like you're accomplishing something so you pay for somebody else's lunch! And, well, you just happened to have an extra few bucks that you didn't spend on your own lunch, so why not pay for somebody else's lunch?! Oh, you kind, giving, charitable, gracious, happy-go-lucky rebel, you. Fuck you.

I wish I could feel things more often! Angry, mean-spirited, horrible, abusive things! Yes! It feels so good to ruin some nicety nice nicerton's day! Suck it, you Pay It Forward monsters!

Hopefully, for Van Jensen's sake, I've successfully vented my rage and my system is no longer threatening to blow every gasket. Let's see if John Stewart can keep from reigniting my boilers.

Ha ha! Oh yes, that helps calm the nerves. Seeing John Stewart getting his ass kicked. So relaxing.

This issue is called "Reckoning" because things are going to get wrecked on in here, y'all!

The Green Lantern Corps are investigating the planet Aydin which The New Gods transformed into Paradise. Except a few things went wrong because The New Gods aren't infallible. They may be more powerful than everything else in the DC Universe but they're not smarter. They're just power hungry assholes with an Apokolips obsession. And they've never heard about the Emotional Spectrum because they're all unfeeling bastards that probably think Paying It Forward is the height of human evolution.

Especially maybe in the window where the other one came from? Who left these braindead fucknuts in charge of the universe?

It's nice of those other lanterns (Vash, Isamot, and Arisia) to just hang around floating in the sky while John was savaged and knocked eighty feet to the ground to disappear in a heap of rubble. But what more can they do? They already yelled, "STEWART!" Green Lantern Protocol, I suppose, forces them to float in the sky staring down at the hole in the rubble to wait and see if Stewart can help himself. Or, and this is quite probable, they're just afraid that if they fly down to help John, he'll wind up killing them. You can't be too careful around that incompetent, planet-destroying, teammate-murdering buffoon!

The Green Lanterns cage the Evolved Aydinians except they manage to break out of the light construct cages. Isamot exclaims, "How could it break through--?" Seriously, Isamot? Haven't you been paying attention to recent Green Lantern history? Your Green Lantern Rings are not the most powerful weapon in the universe anymore! They fucking eat dicks! And not in a good way! They eat them in that German Craigslist cannibalistic hook-up kind of way! What were once weapons that could subdue any creature in the universe are now about as useful as the machinery in the planetarium used to run the Pink Floyd laser light shows. Every Goddamned creature in the universe seems to be stronger than the constructs or completely immune or able to absorb the spectrum energy and use it against the Lanterns themselves. The Green Lantern Corps are fucking dinosaurs, man! They're dinosaurs!

Uggha the New God shows up to teach the Green Lanterns that wooden sticks and metal maces are more useful than their rings. They're even better than sticks and maces made out of light! Because physical, real weapons can kill these creatures even when the most powerful weapons in the universe cannot.

I think the Green Lantern's main problem is the same problem Earth is having with Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus! The Green Lanterns have been killing and subduing different weak willed species across the universe for billions of years. Which means the stronger willed species they haven't been able to kill or subdue with their rings have continued to propagate and evolve, creating more and more creatures resistant to the light of Willpower. So now billions of years later, the universe is awash in strong willed creatures that the rings have no power over. The Green Lanterns have basically fucked themselves by the overuse of antibacterial emotional spectrum.

Oh John! You hypocrite!

John realizes that the New Gods are behind what happened to this planet just as Uggha demands that he and his friends turn over their rings. They're just too dangerous to be used by a bunch of species that aren't smart enough to realize how truly powerful they are. Unless those are the exact types of species that should be using the rings! The species that have learned to utilize them just enough to not be too dangerous!

John, Isamot, Vash, and Arisia battle with Uggha and his minions. If the definition of battle is "get your ass kicked and then flee as fast as you can." They escape with the teleportation help of an Indigo Lantern.

Meanwhile Highfather and Metron discover the location of Kyle Rayner, White Lantern, and head off to relieve him of his burden.

The White Lantern's Burden? Is that a thing?

Green Lantern Corps #35 Rating: No change. Currently, the Green Lanterns can't stand against The New Gods. Their rings are useless against them. All they can do is run. I suppose they'll have to use the entire spectrum together to put any hurt on The New Gods. I'm sure at some point, Highfather will be surprised that they made him bleed, or he'll say something comic booky like, "That actually hurt!" But it'll take every color of the rainbow (and probably white as well (although minus orange unless Larfleeze's orange constructs can still use their orange construct rings)) used together to defeat The New Gods. And then the universe will collapse due to The Relic Inevitability Equation!