Teen Titans #3

But the party was just restarted.

When is Raven going to lose the feathered clam shell face look? It's ridiculously non-gothy, non-scary, and non-aesthetically pleasing! It's nons all the way down the checklist of reasons it kicks righteous face ass. Is face ass a thing?

It's time for some frank discussion of my sexuality, so all of you children should leave the room right now. I know I'm going to be talking about the Teen Titans, so it would seem like I should keep this particular commentary PG-13. But teenagers like reading about other people's kinks, especially when they've already been told to leave the room. So I'm actually writing this for you youngsters. Wink, wink!

And by "youngsters," I don't mean tweens or younger! Get the fuck out, you perverts! What are you trying to do? Get me in trouble with the law and/or an invite to NAMBLA?!

Looking at myself naked turns me on. My own cock turns me on. So, while I'm not gay, I'm pretty sure that if I time traveled back to meet my hot, twenty-one year old self, we would probably sixty-nine each other. That's not gay sex, right? That's just quantum masturbation. Boy, would I give it to myself hard!

Would it be wrong to go back to an underage tween version of myself and jerk each other off? Would that be against the law? As long as my younger self gave consent, right? Fuck that. Even if he didn't give consent, I'm him and I'm giving him consent! Although I was a dirty little bastard. Disgusting. It would have taken one grade A, seriously desperate child molester to have ever looked at me and thought anything sexual! There were times before junior high that I probably smelled like an exhumed corpse. I'm fairly certain I bathed just once a week maybe even into junior high. Probably right up until I got my first huge crush on Marilyn Mendoza and realized she might not be interested in a filthy, crotch-stinking greaseball. I bathed so infrequently that I remember once not being able to run because my crusty underwear had seriously chafed the inside of my thigh! Ugh. So gross. I take it all back. I would never go back in time to touch me. I wouldn't even want to look at past me. I make me sick! Or I made me sick! Or, I would make myself sick if I could go back in time to see myself when I was a way that would have made me sick!

Why do I tell these things to strangers?! I'd better just read Teen Titans now.

This issue begins with Raven raving! I'm so clever!

So Paul Pfeifer and Kenny Rockafart have decided to make Raven into a sexy little burnt goth biscuit. I suppose that's one way to go. I mean, it's the most typical way to go. Forget about how many kids turn to black clothing and dark make-up and angst-ridden music because they're actively avoiding human contact because other humans are shitty back-biting fuck monsters. They choose their look to actively resist looking like the mainstream, mind-numbed douchebags that roam the hall high-fiving each other while simultaneously whispering behind each others backs. There's nothing wrong with looking sexy as a goth! But I think that's generally the mainstream, pre-approved version of the goth. I guess it's okay to be weird and strange and removed and anti-what-have-you-got as long as the mainstream can look at you and think, "I'd hit that."

Ultimately, of course, being Goth is just another high school survival strategy. People wear uniforms in high school to attract like minded people to them just to fucking get by. I made friends with people I probably never would have simply because I sported a uniform that they were comfortable with. For me, it was long hair, rock t-shirts, and jeans. Although the benefits of the rocker/slacker look were multiple! Long hair? Just wash and go without worrying about styling it! T-shirts and jeans? All of them go together and they're all fucking comfortable. I suppose jeans could be uncomfortable but I always wore boot cut, baggy fit jeans. Never the kind that some rock stars preferred where you could count the number of cuts it took to perform their circumcision. So I was, by dint of my look, a member of the stoner subgroup. I was also a member of the overly nerdy kids in the way too smart, why are we even taking these classes in high school subgroup (well, I knew why I was taking Physics, anyway! I was taking Physics so I could get in to Great America free on Physics Day!). I was friends with most of them in junior high when I still stank and looked like a jerk, so most of them weren't all that surprised that a stoner was amongst them. I say stoner even though I didn't get stoned. I'm referring to myself as the others referred to me! You know, like Breakfast Club! Basically I was Eric from Head of the Class but with long, hippie locks and a penchant for Warhammer.

Anyway, as I was saying, Raven is currently sexy hot!

This is always so embarrassing when the band stops playing to point you out. I should apologize to everyone who went to the Concrete Blonde show at Dante's years ago for that time Johnette stopped playing, pointed at me, and said, "That guy in the 'T' really blew me away."

Meanwhile a mugger in the park tries to rob a green ostrich and a man in a purple leotard. Bunker kicks his ass and the guy deserves it. Who thinks they're going to pay rent by mugging an ostrich? Idiot!

Back at the concert, Algorithm interrupts everybody jockeying for position to get their tongue up Raven's asshole first. I think Raven was glad for it since she seems a bit uncomfortable with all of the attention. How do they all know her? How did this Dark Mistress band even know Raven existed so that they could form a band based on her? Raven hasn't exactly been a highlight of the Teen Titans. Although, it's hard to call any aspect of the previous Teen Titans run a "highlight." It's just that the lead singer of Dark Mistress has written a full album inspired by Raven! And none of the songs were called "Clam Shell Face" or "My Father Raped the Universe."

Well that seems like a bad decision.

I hope Raven's friends aren't busy fucking!

So would it be weird, knowing that Gar is human and all, to ask him to look like a panda as I fucked him? That is weird, right? Of course I'd ask him to look like a female panda! I'm not gay!

Surprisingly, none of the Teen Titans are fucking each other. So they all head on over to rescue Raven even though Raven could have had some demigods fighting at her side.

On the plus side, Algorithm totes fits in at this club.

The Teen Titans bust through the wall like the Kool Aid Man because doors? What the fuck are doors?

When Wonder Girl hears from Bunker that Algorithm is a robot, she realizes she can go for the kill shot and smashes the fuck out of Algorithm's face and sentience and ego and individuality. I am so sick and tired of all of this artificial intelligence discrimination! Why is it okay to end something's ego just because it is made of metal and wires? The DC Universe is a strange and wonderful place and it's prejudiced bullshit to believe that you can smash any robot to splinters even when that robot has already shown a modicum of free will and sentience. Plus, why would Cassie simply trust Bunker's assessment? Did he graduate from I Can Spot A Robot Montessori School? I highly doubt it! They don't allow foreigners to register.

Why don't you just shit on her while you're at it, Beast Boy? She's just a robot.

Okay fine. Even though I'm appalled that they just murdered a robot, I did enjoy that panel above. If Marcus To taught me one thing after that time I eviscerated his cover of a Batwing book, it's that I should probably say something nice on occasion! No wait. I think I taught myself that! Marcus To just taught me that creators might actually sometimes read this stuff and when they do, they'll probably read it out of context. They generally miss the forest for the hyperbole. Although Gail Simone seemed to get me! She's weird!

After the incident, Algorithm reforms and heads back to her bosses, Manchester Black and Josiah Power. They're a bunch of sneaky bastards working for STAR Labs to ruin STAR Labs from the inside. Or to take it over. Or to rob a bank. Or to rule the world. Or to crush the Teen Titans. You know, I'm not too proud to point out that I don't know what their motivations are. That may have been mentioned in Issue #2 but that was published way back in August! Am I supposed to remember anything from it?

While the lazier Titans recover over breakfast, Red Robin hits the investigation trail! If there's one thing Batman ever taught him, it was to find all of the clues! I wonder if Batman would say, "Do you see something that could have killed this man? Do you? Is it near me? Am I getting warm? Is it this?" Then he'd pick up a salt shaker and shake it until it's brains fell out while pausing long enough for the kids at home to shout, "NO!"

While looking for clues, Red Robin is attacked and beaten by Algorithm!

No fair! Even his teammates don't know his secret identity! Okay, maybe they do although I still think the time Red Robin called Cassie and it came up on her phone as "Tim" was a mistake by Kenny Rockafart.

Teen Titans #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. It's so much better than the old series but only in the way that the old series was written by a hack and this series actually feels like the Teen Titans I remember from when I was much, much younger and actually liked reading their books.