I'm sorry but does DC have zero employees in the "Please Let A Cynic Look At The Cover Before We Put It On The Stands" Department?
Godhead is a story about the long standing feud between Highfather of New Genesis and Darkseid of Apokolips. It's also a story of what happens when you're a member of a meddling cosmic police force that thinks they need to stick their noses into the business of every species in the known universe. It's what happens when somebody gets their immortal peanut butter into the chocolatey goodness of the most powerful weapon in the universe. That was not a description of Apokoliptian anal sex.
This Cosmic Money Shot begins with an explanation of how the universe was created. It's less about masturbation than previous Green Lantern creation tales though which is disappointing.
No, no. My mistake. God still flung cum all over the darkness to create existence.
Over on Mogo, Saint Walker continues to despair. Or pout. Or shirk his duties. One of those! His ring still hangs out with him because, and this is a huge guess on my part, nobody else in the universe has any hope. Everybody still believes Kyle Rayner is dead but I have a suspicious feeling that he'll reveal himself during this cosmic crisis. Then Saint Walker will get a huge head erection and his ring will finally have him back. Unless Highfather takes Saint Walker's ring first. Isn't it the only Blue Lantern Ring left in the cosmos?
The Council of Elrond.
In other words, one ring down, six to go!
Over on Okaara, Larfleeze is all, "Mine mine mine! I am not a monkey!" But the New God that has paid him a visit is all, "Give me the ring, monkey." And then Larfleeze cries while trying to scoop up each tear, sobbing, "Mine! Mine! Mine!"
In other words, two rings down, whatever seven minus two is to go!
If I may put forward a slight observation from a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader: Lanterns are garbage.
Over on Nok, the nok of the nok noks, another New God (this one with a pig dog and a dwarfish beard braid) takes a ring off of an Indigo Lantern. The Indigo Lantern, proffering the hand with the ring, is all, "Um...no, no! This is me protesting vehemently. Please do not take the ring or I will become a serial killer again and begin drinking the blood of young virgin children and eating the spleens of late night driving teenagers found alone on the highway and cutting off the sexual organs of elderly folks who thought they were just out to get an early bird breakfast. Please do not make me into that glorious creature. Did I say glorious? I meant awful. That awful creature." And the New God is all, "Sorry, Dudebro. But I gots ta do what I gots ta do. Here, take this Grandmaster Magic Sword in trade. But don't use it to go on some killing spree or nuttin, sees?"
In other words, a bunch of rings down, a few more to go.
I don't really know what's going on with the Red Lanterns but apparently one of the humans that earned a ring back when Atrocitus conscripted all the Type A people on Earth into joining the Red Lanterns still has her ring. But that makes sense because to take a Red Lantern's ring is to kill a Red Lantern and Charles Soule just recently killed off all the extra Red Lanterns. This Red Lantern is angry at the sex slave trade for some reason. Doesn't she like illegal free market capitalism which manipulates the lives of powerless people and makes ungodly profits at the expense of the free will of seemingly powerless people? Is she a communist? Anyway, she frees all of the sex slaves ever which is as much resolution for her anger as she's going to get.
Leave it to Charles Soule to be all, "Hey, dickheads! While you're reading your funny book, remember that the world is full of awfulness and misery and people fighting for their lives and their power and their dignity and every fucking thing they have which is hardly anything but is still being taken from them by monsters. And you...look at you. Reading a funny book with one hand down your pants hoping some artist decides to draw a little hint of a nip, you fucking fanperv."
Oh. Oh, Mogo, you big dumb ball of dumb.
Once he has all the rings, Highfather has them fitted into his mace so that he can wield the White Light which, apparently, is the Life Equation. So Kyle has been master of the Life Equation all this time? Which means Nekron or Black Hand wields the Anti-Life Equation? How has Darkseid been so blind? Shouldn't he have smelled the Black Lanterns? He's gotten too distracted searching all over the multiverse for a comfortable chair.
Highfather tests out his new device only to find using all the rings together does not equal the Life Equation. It just equals the ability to destroy a Black Lantern. What he needs is an actual White Lantern Ring. So now he has to find Kyle Rayner and punch him in the balls. Plus, Highfather has decided that all of the other Lanterns are too dangerous to live. That means it's once again that time of year: LANTERN COSMIC CRISIS! At least this time, they all get to fight together.
Godhead #1 Rating: This is just a one-shot! It doesn't get a rating! But as far as cosmic crises go, I have to say it might be my favorite yet of The New 52 because it involves the New Gods and it will involve, hopefully, Darkseid (unless he just misses it all because he's long stopped caring about anything New Genesis gets up to). Plus nobody is being assimilated by anything else!
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