Batman Eternal #25

Does Batman ever have a battle with a super villain nowadays that doesn't destroy most of Gotham?

After each episode of Gotham (meaning a whole two times so far), when the show ends and the word "GOTHAM" shrinks down to fit the parameters of your television screen, do you also say, out loud, "Got Ham?" If you do, we're like total samesies!

What do you think was going on in Jason Fabok's head (I wanted to call it a stupid head for no reason except that I have an inherent dislike for all humanity) when he decided Hush needed a little cell phone pouch on the sleeve of each arm of his leather trench coat? I can't think of a worse design! I mean, I can think of a worse design since I have like the best imagination that totally allows me to think up stuff whenever I want to think up stuff. And not just dumb stuff like, well, you know, stuff that is dumb! But awesome stuff like stuff that is awesome! Like unihorns and painbows! And doughnut pancakes! Anyway, I bet Jason Fabok was thinking, "You know what I've never fucking thought in my entire life while out clubbing or razing a city? I've never thought, 'Boy, this trench coat would make connecting to friends, family, and international arms dealers much more convenient if it had little carrying cases for multiple cell phones right on the biceps! And being that hardly anybody is actually ambidextrous (although a lot of internet nerds will tell you they are even if, in reality, they can't even skip rope up to the point where Cinderella kisses the snake), trying to unsnap that case with their non-dominant hand would be really super funny to watch! Plus if somebody can only afford one phone, they can keep pills and condoms in the other one.' Yep, I've convinced myself. Pouches on the sleeves of the trench coat is far cooler than no pouches on the sleeves!" I'm sure that's exactly what Mr. Fabok was thinking.

I have no idea what the DC art editors were thinking by not saying, "That is the stupidest fucking thing we have ever seen since Rob Liefeld walked off the job." But I can imagine what I'd like to imagine they were thinking which was, "I sure wish Hush was female so we could slap some goldarned cleavage on this cover."

The issue begins with Vicki Vale showing more journalistic integrity than Lois Lane has all New 52.

I actually have no idea what "journalistic integrity" actually means. I just thought it sounded like a decent slam of Lois Lane who only cares about stories that will make her more and more popular.

Speaking of journalism because I haven't slammed it in quite some time now, guess what the big news story was yesterday? Unless it was the day before. Oh, time. Why must you be such a harsh mistress of non-stop buttplay? Um, anyway, the big news story was about a couple that gave a one hundred dollar tip to a waiter that was giving bad service because they understood and wanted to "pay it forward," whatever the fuck that means. That's a worse phrase than "journalistic integrity!"

Here's a tip, you lousy-at-your-jobs, fucked up, stupid-as-shit local broadcasters: just because some "thing" or "event" happens and it happens to be liked over a million times by fucking morons that think generosity is the grandest idea since Jesus decided not to fuck Magdalene, that does not make it a news story. That makes it some idiotic thing to pass the time awkwardly with a co-worker when you both wind up digging for change by the candy machine. "Oh, um, hey, uh, did you see that thing on Facebook where the shitty server got tipped money by a couple of people that think they're going to inspire the world with their excessive generosity and kindness?" "What? Stop talking to me. I'm getting Human Resources."

I hope you readers are enjoying this commentary so far because it's the last one you're going to see for a week! Denver, here I come! Also, Doom Bunny, here I come! Um, I mean, to visit.

Let's get back to Jason Bard wanting to post this story about terror attacks (oh fuck me. That phrase is even worse than any of the other phrases that have irked me so far! "Terror attack." Shut the fuck up, you stupid fucking morons! Why am I on this planet? Stop adding the word "terror" to everything! It doesn't mean anything! I mean, it does mean something but it does not mean the same something that the people saying it think it means. What "terror attack" means now, at this moment, in this specific time in our modern era, is "a violent act by brown people with a religion that doesn't follow Jesus." No, wait. I should correct myself instead of just letting myself ramble while spouting incorrect facts. That's what terror attack used to mean. So it was meant the way I defined it during the Bush years (nothing against Bush; just trying to get this all straight in time (although there is a lot to hate about Bush but this isn't anything derogatory towards him specifically)). It had a very specific meaning to propel this nation toward war and then to keep this nation accepting of the war. Now, newscasters generally just call any violent act an "act of terror" because they have forgotten how language works. They're more like parrots than thinking humanoids). Fuck. I'm going to start this paragraph over.

Let's get back to Jason Bard wanting to post this story about terror attacks. As we saw last issue, Cluemaster and Hush have a plan to ramp up the tension of all the citizens in Gotham. Ratcatcher spreading rat feces in local salad bars. Signalman speeding up the traffic signals so they now change at an accelerated rate, forcing all the cars to stop every one or two lights instead of driving steadily through all the traffic lights on one long street like they used to. And now Jason Bard is using the media to fear up the city.

Anybody still living in Gotham after the last six years gets what they deserve. Yeah, I'm victim blaming! Don't tell me you haven't thought the same exact thought from time to time! "Why do people still live in Gotham?" If that thought has ever crossed your mind--and if you've been a fan of Batman for any length of time, it has--then you're a victim blamer! Asshole.

Yeah! Think up a cool name! Like, um, Red Robin!

Red Robin gets thrown to the ground by Harper because they're still in that early part of the relationship where they're overtaken by public displays of training at the craziest of moments. But Red Robin can't have Harper get the better of him so he retaliates with...um...with one of the stupidest Bat-Gadgets I've seen since Batman tried to use the Bat-Lube on Robin in that episode of Challenge of the Super Friends that should probably never air ever again. The thing Robin uses is the straps on his chest medallion. They shoot off of him and wrap up Harper using, um...I don't know...probably magnetism. And they're probably made out of inertrite.

I wonder if the process which makes inertrite wings and inertrite straps and inertrite condoms causes microscopic particles of the stuff to wind up in the factory workers' lungs? I bet it probably does and I bet Bruce Wayne probably doesn't care because it would cost him too much money to stop developing the stuff. Which I don't think he actually develops much of anyway. Why don't we ever hear about anything being inertrite except Red Robin's wings or things in the future with the Legion of Super-heroes? Could it be I'm wrong and Bruce Wayne refuses to give people Inertrite Lung just to have indestructible toys? More probably, I just haven't read enough DC books in the last fifteen years to have encountered mentions of the stuff.

Meanwhile Penny-Two helps Batman figure out that Jason Bard let The Architect out of Blackgate. And by "helps," I mean does all of the work with the Batcomputer while Batman scowls and growls and pitches multiple fits about Penny-Two not doing things the correct, Alfred way.

Jason Todd and Tim Drake meet up in Alfred's hospital room to mention how The Joker's bullshit in Death of the Family killed the, you know, being that it's right there in the title, Bat-Family. Even though it didn't. I mean, you could tell that that was what it was supposed to do. At least the readers and most of the writers got the idea. But if your name was Scott Lobdell, you had no clue what was really going on and so you fucked it all up in the pages of Red Hood and the Outlaws #17 where you showed the whole family still getting along and seemingly trusting each other. Remember that? Right before Jason Todd put on his Joker trapped mask which made him lose his memories but then he didn't lose his memories at that time because it didn't work out for continuity's sake? That might have fooled the dumber readers who, for some reason, don't want to admit that Scott Lobdell is a horrible writer, so they continued to believe that James Tynion IV was the one that erased Todd's memory. That's what DC wants you to believe. But then why did The Joker's trap tell Jason Todd that he just got Tabula Rasa'd, hunh? Answer me that, dumb dumbs?

Anyway, Todd and Drake decide maybe it's time to act like brothers again because they're the only brothers they have now that Dick and Damian are dead. Supposedly dead. You know, currently, supposedly dead.

And his semen!

Please. Why would Barbara Gordon decide to start hooking up with a guy who is practically The Joker's sidekick? Oh, I know why! For the Degrassi Junior High drama that comic book fans love so much! Oooh! Oooh! Who likes whom? Who is fucking whom? Who? Whom? Whom? Who? Oooh! Oooh!

I think I just wrote a Cure song.

Over in Jason Bard's apartment, Batman has a conversation with a hologram of Hush because comic books.

I've been known to throw insane tantrums my whole life. I just threw one yesterday when my printer stopped doing the thing it's supposed to do (you know, printing!). But I've never decided to destroy an entire city because things didn't go my way. Hmm. Maybe next time!

Hush blows up Batman in Bard's apartment after getting photographic evidence of Batman entering the place to frame him for the explosion later. But Batman has experience being in the center of explosions, so he's okay. And that's when the Bat-Family finally comes together again (minus the dead ones). Batgirl, Red Robin, and Red Hood arrive at the scene to pick Bruce up and dust him off and then ask, "Who the fuck is Penny-Two? Are you still fucking telling people your and our secret identities, you cock bag?"

Batman Eternal #25 Rating: No change. Has it become common practice to refer to "identity theft" as "I.D. theft" or is that just another reason I can call my local newscasters fuckbongs? I thought maybe they were reporting on some junior high school kids having their I.D.s stolen when they put up that graphic. That had nothing to do with Batman Eternal because I don't review comic books, remember? I ramble and rant! I'm also headed to Denver in a few hours so that means this is the last commentary for about a week. Unless, for some silly reason, I decide to read Doomed #2 before going because it's the last non-Futures End book I have to read. The Futures End stuff I'll be wrapping up slowly in the coming month for the one or two of you that were actually interested in the resolution of the story of Goggles. Yes, it has an actual resolution. But I need time to write it so that I'm at least somewhat happy with it how it turned out. I don't have to be ecstatic about it though! It's basically just a first, very rough draft. Not that there will be any other drafts of it! But I do have other ideas for it that will mean real fucking writing work. You know the kind! The kind barely any writers ever get to because, well, look at this place! It's a mess! I should probably be cleaning and maybe exercising and then I need to relax and, of course, I've got the business to attend to and I like to occasionally engage in coitus and, well, eating! So much eating to do! I'm sure I can get some writing shoved in there somewhere, right?