Except one person still needed to be punished. One supposed fan had sinned a sin greater than Judas Iscariot's! One DC Comics lover had sat back and laughed while Ann Nocenti worked her terrible black magic on other people's favorite characters. Comic book Jesus looked down and shook his majestic lion head and said, "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. Your sins are unforgivable. You shall be punished greatly." The next day, comic book news sites were reporting that Ann Nocenti would be taking over her next project: Klarion the Witchboy.
I was devastated. I was ripped asunder. Okay, okay. It wasn't like she was actually writing Etrigan which would have been just slightly worse. But Klarion?! And Teekl?! She'll probably turn Teekl into some kind of iPad! And if she's writing Klarion, doesn't that mean she'll eventually wind up bringing Etrigan into one of her plots? Was I going to have to endure rhyming dialogue by Ann Nocenti?! I ran to my comic book collection, tears of rage and sadness welling up in my eyes, and I hugged my collection of Klarion comic books.
I may or may not have ruined the value of this issue with untoward stains.
I should apologize in advance to the fandom of the character that she winds up writing next. Please don't let it be Black Lightning or Metamorpho or Halo!
An infinity of choice but Klarion is really just considering a few places on Earth. Because it's super special, I'm sure. The only place in the multiverse where people feel love or something.
Klarion thinks back to why he's on this cosmic magical road trip with a kitty cat in his bindle. Turns out he cast a spell on one of his magic teachers and then skipped out on Witchworld. The reason he blasted his teacher was because the teacher told him that if his fingers weren't in the proper positions when casting a spell, the spell could go horribly awry. And to teach Klarion a lesson, the teacher smashed Klarion's hands with a ruler, thus ensuring that Klarion will have no ability to keep his fingers in the correct positions. That teacher deserved to get disintegrated by Klarion.
Klarion hitches a ride to Earth by a demon that says, "Meh." So he's an asshole. He also drives a big American muscle car. So, you know, asshole. Not that American muscle cars don't look great! And they're fun to drive if you've ever wanted to drive a boat really quickly on dry land. Not quite as boatlike an experience as driving a big old Oldsmobile or Buick but more speed boaty! You bounce off speed bumps just like bouncing off the wake! Anyway, Klarion hitches a ride to Earth where he's going to live out his runaway dreams away from Witchworld which is a world full of phoneys! So he's a modern day Holden Caulfield. Probably. Maybe. I'm just projecting that onto him because I don't like Ann Nocenti's writing and I can't stand The Catcher in the Rye.
From this conversation, I can't tell which one was thinking the other one was going to blow him.
This is all sexual tension, right?
Yep. Sexual tension. Vroom vroomity vroom vroom vroom!
Klarion saves some kid from being beaten up by two other kids. He remarks that his world was like that too. Big guys always beating up little guys. I can see Nocenti is tackling some huge issues here! Jerks should stop being jerks! At least Klarion knows how to scare off bullies!
I don't know what just happened there but it worked! Look at them run!
The kid that just got his ass beat's main concern is that nobody saw him get his ass beat. But Klarion tells him that "just a cute girl in the window" saw and the guy is all, "Oh shit! Zell ain't never gonna touch my penis now!" Cause he knows that women only like penises that are attached to guys that can defend them. Or guys that at least excel in some superior fashion while they're watching. Maybe this guy is a master of falling into the fetal position and covering up his tender bits. She might have swooned over that.
The boy Klarion saved is named Rasp and he's a witch too. His big goal is to become stronger! And for his first feat of mystic strength, he's going to change up the playlist on the "heavy metal tech band" featuring the guys that just kicked his ass. Although he thinks the band is pretty good so he probably won't fuck with them too much. He might even let them finish the ass kicking later because they're the tops.
Rasp asks Klarion to move in with him at a place called The Moody Museum. Eww! That Moody Museum! Always stealing all the new recruits so that The Necropolitan Club doesn't have any fresh blood! Well, that's going to change because Necrot's buddy has a plan that can't fail!
Seriously, Necrot? That's the memory that's at the tip of your tongue and always on your mind? Fucking loser.
Rasp also told Klarion he could crash at The Moody Museum in his room but I understand why Klarion wouldn't want to be associated with that failure.
Teekl has died and been stuffed in a jar of formaldehyde. Whee.
So how else is he supposed to announce his presence when your back is to the door, you stupid cunt. Sorry! Sorry! I should really watch my language. I'm just really upset over Teekl.
Meanwhile at the Neapolitan Club, plans are being laid to seduce more jerks.
He asked what she was ashamed of! Not what she was obsessed with! Besides, who isn't obsessed with ruin porn?
Klarion meets Zell and then discusses karma with her by pointing out it doesn't exist because Jesus Christ fed some people and then died. How does Klarion know so much about Jesus Christ? And American billionaires? And blues!? And gospel?! He must have majored in American Studies back on Witchworld. Zell is really cute though! And no way is she going to fall for Klarion when he answers "Black is slimming. Works for me" when she asks him what she should wear!
At the club, Rasp and Klarion get into a fight over Zell because she's obviously somebody's property. She can't be the reason for her own existence. And while they fight, Noah and Piper (the cook and the landlady!) discuss the probability that Klarion and Zell are going to be a couple because Klarion's name is on the cover of the comic book and Zell is the only female in the book of appropriate age. So it's, you know, inevitable!
Klarion #1 Rating: I hate it. It's stupid. And boring! And it's full of Ann Nocenti dialogue! I wished I'd been murdered in an alley before reading this.