Klarion #1

Fuck.

This might be my secret origin. It was bad enough that I had to read Ann Nocenti while writing a character I never cared about, Green Arrow. When DC saw just how awful her Green Arrow stories were, they thought, "Gee! Maybe we can get Ann to ruin Catwoman as well!" And Catwoman fans spent the next two years learning how to shoot heroin because something had to dull the pain. Meanwhile, I sat by and laughed and laughed and poked fun at the horrible plots and crazy characterizations of other people's favorite comic book characters. I sat back and I pointed and I laughed and I pretended to feel sorry for Catwoman fans but I was having so much fun commenting on Ann Nocenti's strange turns of phrase and inexplicable characters that I never gave a thought to the ruin Nocenti was bringing down upon the Green Arrow and Catwoman fandoms. And then I heard Nocenti was going to be writing Katana. That's when I stopped laughing. Not Katana! She had finally extricated herself from that bowel movement that was Swierczynski's Birds of Prey and I was full of hope about her future! One of my favorite characters since I first began reading comic books was suddenly under attack! Maybe I shouldn't have laughed so hard at other people's misfortunes, I thought, uncharacteristically, to myself. Perhaps I should have empathized with their pain and took action to stop this insufferable writer from ruining everybody's good time! But I did not. And so I suffered as the others suffered. Thankfully, Ann Nocenti's Katana did not last long and she went back to exclusively destroying Catwo-man. It was sad but everybody was numb to that travesty by this time (thanks, in large part, to the heroin). And then good news! Catwoman was getting a new creative team! The internet shook with the sighs of the relieved. Rehab centers overflowed as Catwoman fans rushed to get off the dope so that they could experience the new Catwoman with their full ability to feel! Celebrations were celebrated! DC Comics was free of Ann Nocenti!

Except one person still needed to be punished. One supposed fan had sinned a sin greater than Judas Iscariot's! One DC Comics lover had sat back and laughed while Ann Nocenti worked her terrible black magic on other people's favorite characters. Comic book Jesus looked down and shook his majestic lion head and said, "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. Your sins are unforgivable. You shall be punished greatly." The next day, comic book news sites were reporting that Ann Nocenti would be taking over her next project: Klarion the Witchboy.

I was devastated. I was ripped asunder. Okay, okay. It wasn't like she was actually writing Etrigan which would have been just slightly worse. But Klarion?! And Teekl?! She'll probably turn Teekl into some kind of iPad! And if she's writing Klarion, doesn't that mean she'll eventually wind up bringing Etrigan into one of her plots? Was I going to have to endure rhyming dialogue by Ann Nocenti?! I ran to my comic book collection, tears of rage and sadness welling up in my eyes, and I hugged my collection of Klarion comic books.

I may or may not have ruined the value of this issue with untoward stains.

And so, my secret origin begins. I must take up a new name, disguise myself in a gaudy costume, and defend DC Comics from the most despicable evil to ever put pen to paper. I shall do what I've been doing! Only more so! I shall become Super Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, hero of fandoms! Or, at the very least, defender of my own fandoms. With sharp words and indefensible turns of phrase, I shall drive Nocenti from the stewardship of Klarion the Witchboy! She shall flee screaming into the night, my words haunting her dreams until she finally lies down and dreams no more.

I should apologize in advance to the fandom of the character that she winds up writing next. Please don't let it be Black Lightning or Metamorpho or Halo!

An infinity of choice but Klarion is really just considering a few places on Earth. Because it's super special, I'm sure. The only place in the multiverse where people feel love or something.

You know, it's possible I might like this comic book, right? All things are possible in comic book Jesus Christ! RAAWWWRRR!

Klarion thinks back to why he's on this cosmic magical road trip with a kitty cat in his bindle. Turns out he cast a spell on one of his magic teachers and then skipped out on Witchworld. The reason he blasted his teacher was because the teacher told him that if his fingers weren't in the proper positions when casting a spell, the spell could go horribly awry. And to teach Klarion a lesson, the teacher smashed Klarion's hands with a ruler, thus ensuring that Klarion will have no ability to keep his fingers in the correct positions. That teacher deserved to get disintegrated by Klarion.

Klarion hitches a ride to Earth by a demon that says, "Meh." So he's an asshole. He also drives a big American muscle car. So, you know, asshole. Not that American muscle cars don't look great! And they're fun to drive if you've ever wanted to drive a boat really quickly on dry land. Not quite as boatlike an experience as driving a big old Oldsmobile or Buick but more speed boaty! You bounce off speed bumps just like bouncing off the wake! Anyway, Klarion hitches a ride to Earth where he's going to live out his runaway dreams away from Witchworld which is a world full of phoneys! So he's a modern day Holden Caulfield. Probably. Maybe. I'm just projecting that onto him because I don't like Ann Nocenti's writing and I can't stand The Catcher in the Rye.

From this conversation, I can't tell which one was thinking the other one was going to blow him.

The "meh" demon introduces himself as Beelzebub the barber. He might not actually be a barber. He offers to shave Klarion because that's weird. He gives Klarion his card when Klarion tells him he doesn't shave and says, "You will."

This is all sexual tension, right?

Yep. Sexual tension. Vroom vroomity vroom vroom vroom!

Hey! Remember when Selina Kyle said somebody stank like burnt rubber? Maybe she was talking about her suit. It was something! I think Ann Nocenti has a neurological problem that causes her to continuously smell burning rubber.

Klarion saves some kid from being beaten up by two other kids. He remarks that his world was like that too. Big guys always beating up little guys. I can see Nocenti is tackling some huge issues here! Jerks should stop being jerks! At least Klarion knows how to scare off bullies!

I don't know what just happened there but it worked! Look at them run!

I guess turning blue and making something you're holding glow while staring up at a damsel in a tower is just about the scariest thing a couple of bullies can witness. Isn't this how the bullies were defeated in A Christmas Story?

The kid that just got his ass beat's main concern is that nobody saw him get his ass beat. But Klarion tells him that "just a cute girl in the window" saw and the guy is all, "Oh shit! Zell ain't never gonna touch my penis now!" Cause he knows that women only like penises that are attached to guys that can defend them. Or guys that at least excel in some superior fashion while they're watching. Maybe this guy is a master of falling into the fetal position and covering up his tender bits. She might have swooned over that.

The boy Klarion saved is named Rasp and he's a witch too. His big goal is to become stronger! And for his first feat of mystic strength, he's going to change up the playlist on the "heavy metal tech band" featuring the guys that just kicked his ass. Although he thinks the band is pretty good so he probably won't fuck with them too much. He might even let them finish the ass kicking later because they're the tops.

Rasp asks Klarion to move in with him at a place called The Moody Museum. Eww! That Moody Museum! Always stealing all the new recruits so that The Necropolitan Club doesn't have any fresh blood! Well, that's going to change because Necrot's buddy has a plan that can't fail!

Seriously, Necrot? That's the memory that's at the tip of your tongue and always on your mind? Fucking loser.

I guess the story is all set up now? Klarion has fallen into the middle of a witch rivalry between some old Gothic place full of magic witches versus a bunch of loser asshole technomancers that are trying to fill their ranks with even bigger losers? Why aren't they trying to recruit the kid that can turn blue and make street signs glow? Oh yeah. Because The Necropolitan Club is full of members that are limited by the humiliating moments in their lives.

Rasp also told Klarion he could crash at The Moody Museum in his room but I understand why Klarion wouldn't want to be associated with that failure.

So Klarion has now run away from the excitement of Witchworld and now has an apartment and a job as a chef on Earth. Oh god, this is so fucking exciting.

Teekl has died and been stuffed in a jar of formaldehyde. Whee.

So how else is he supposed to announce his presence when your back is to the door, you stupid cunt. Sorry! Sorry! I should really watch my language. I'm just really upset over Teekl.

Later Klarion learns, from his new landlord, that the first rule of magic is "don't hurt anyone. Not even a bird." Well why bother learning magic then? After learning this important lesson, he follows some hair up into Room 9 of the tower. Unless it's room 6! Or 69! Or 96! "96" is representative of two frat guys sharing a bed and mumbling "no homo" all night.

Meanwhile at the Neapolitan Club, plans are being laid to seduce more jerks.

He asked what she was ashamed of! Not what she was obsessed with! Besides, who isn't obsessed with ruin porn?

Rasp is named Rasp because he's related to Rasputin. He also has a hard time dying! He also eats anything given to him by strange assholes who brag about their illegal retinal implants when the discussion is about earphones. We were talking audio, douchebag! That's like somebody telling you stories about your cat and you deciding it was time to give them the length of your dick.

Klarion meets Zell and then discusses karma with her by pointing out it doesn't exist because Jesus Christ fed some people and then died. How does Klarion know so much about Jesus Christ? And American billionaires? And blues!? And gospel?! He must have majored in American Studies back on Witchworld. Zell is really cute though! And no way is she going to fall for Klarion when he answers "Black is slimming. Works for me" when she asks him what she should wear!

At the club, Rasp and Klarion get into a fight over Zell because she's obviously somebody's property. She can't be the reason for her own existence. And while they fight, Noah and Piper (the cook and the landlady!) discuss the probability that Klarion and Zell are going to be a couple because Klarion's name is on the cover of the comic book and Zell is the only female in the book of appropriate age. So it's, you know, inevitable!

Klarion #1 Rating: I hate it. It's stupid. And boring! And it's full of Ann Nocenti dialogue! I wished I'd been murdered in an alley before reading this.