Batman Eternal #28

I have never in my life worn pants this tight.

My days are getting longer and longer. When I'm awake, I don't want to go to sleep. I move from one distraction to another until I just can't keep my eyes open any longer. When I'm sleeping, I don't want to wake up. I crash hard and stay completely out for at least eight hours, sometimes more. But once I do wake up, I just keep rolling over and falling back to sleep because I don't want to drag myself out of bed just to find another distraction. Eventually hunger, thirst, and a straining bladder force me out of bed and I start all over again. I miss my friend.

The sadness is like a low grade fever. I haven't had a runny snot, body hitching, breath coming in gasps cry for a day or two now, and that, in itself, makes me sad. But my eyes are constantly tearing up. I've long ago stopped bothering to wipe tears off of my cheeks. I don't know when I last showered. I don't think I left the house at all yesterday. At least I've experienced loss and mourning so that I am now adequately prepared to properly fake it when my parents die!

Here lies Judas. Oh yeah. For those just tuning in, I'm grieving for a cat. People can suck it.

Okay then! Enough of that shit! Let's see how many dick jokes I can come up with while reading Batman Eternal!

You know, I'm not quite sure why I equate my juvenile humor to dick jokes when I really rarely make any. I guess it's as good a standard as any for immaturity.

Now this first panel? This put a huge smile on my face. Especially after having just read JLA/Hitman.

I'm just thrilled that Noonan's has retained its place in the DC Universe since the reboot. Judging by the pictures on the wall and Hacken with one hand missing (portrayed in an issue of Batman and Two-Face), the entire run of Hitman is probably still canon. Although because of the Reboot, I'm still hoping that the ending was different and Tommy survived somehow. Now somebody just needs to convince Garth Ennis to work for DC again and continue Hitman's story.

Apparently Noonan's is Jason Todd's favorite bar in Gotham. The bartender probably helps him out with his girl troubles and ethical dilemmas. Which might be why Jason Todd's moral compass is so fucked up. You know. Because the bartender is a demon from hell named Baytor.

Jason Todd feels like he needs to do something else before he leaves Gotham. Starfire, having been through this before with Dick Grayson, tells him what to do.

Good thing Starfire has the self-esteem of a warrior space princess or she might begin to wonder what this Batgirl has that she doesn't.

This issue is called "Letting Go" because of course it is. Fuck you, synchronicity.

Currently, Batgirl is scaring the shit out of Commissioner Jason Bard by setting up a falling to his death simulation for him. It's the kind of thing that usually costs five dollars worth of tickets at the yearly fair down by the river. But Batgirl is doing it for free. And if Jason Todd hasn't already fallen in love with her, he will once he sees how ruthless Barbara can be.

Meanwhile, Catwoman shows off what she learned during her pole dancing classes. Enh. I've seen better.

I'm not sure if this is subtle allegory or witty satire. Although I do like that this strip club allows minors and serves popcorn.

Mr. Bonerman has sold tickets to people to come watch Catwoman beaten to death on a stripper's stage. And for those of you thinking that at least the little girl won't see any nudity with her extreme violence, a few panels later we see that naked women are dancing on the other stages. It seems weird to pay lots of money to see Catwoman killed and then to miss the entire show because some naked woman is waving her punani around the room.

For those of you that don't like the slang term "punani," I suggest you read up on its etymology. It's actually quite a lovely compliment.

Too bad for Mr. Bonerman and Dragon Ivantsumbuttsecks, Killer Croc has a vested interest in Jade. And Croc just came up the elevator. He's probably not going to be very happy with Mr. Bonerman exposing his young friend to sex and violence at the same time. One or the other, fine. But both? That's like X Rating territory! Or A Clockwork Orange.

Batman also has a lead that's going to bring him to the most violent, super sexiest show of the decade! With popcorn! He's probably going to be disappointed that Waylon Jones got their first, killed everybody, ate them, ate the popcorn, and impressed Selina far more than Bruce ever could.

Stupid synchronicity is stupid. Also, more Meghan Hetrick, please.

Killer Croc begins teaching thugs how to pole dance while Catwoman uses some of the moves she learned in pole dancing class to break Mr. Bonerman's leg. Although I don't know what kind of pole dancing class she was taking that was tying its students to poles and teaching them how to bust legs from that position. She may have been in a self-defense class with a bunch of other students wondering why she was learning self-defense in her bra and panties.

Over in the Burnside district (unless Barbara hasn't moved yet since she is still wearing her old costume on the cover), Jason Todd breaks into Gordon Barbara Gordon's apartment.

I think that's Alysia. Maybe. It's certainly not Frankie. So this must be her old place.

Back at the violent sex show, Jade is shot and killed (accidentally!) by Dragon Ivantsumbuttsecks. So this wasn't an allegory or satire! It was a morality play! See what happens, kids, when you watch violent and sexual television shows? You fucking die! Unless it was the popcorn that killed her. It's hard to say when a story doesn't just come right out and tell you what it's about.

And over on the rooftops, Jason Bard is learning a lesson about destroying a city. If you run a huge scam to destroy a city for your own ends, you'll wind up with a severely broken leg causing you to have to use a cane in all of your future comic book appearances. It wasn't Babs' fault that he broke his leg. Not entirely. Jason Todd came along and pretended to drop Jason Bard to his death for good, knowing that Barbara would never let it come to that. So she saved Bard but fucked up his leg in the process. It's almost the exact same thing that happened to Gwen Stacy, right?! Fucking DC stealing from Marvel yet again!

Babs, full of adrenaline and not thinking straights, tries to get Jason Todd to make her a woman. A Batwoman! Wait. I didn't mean he'd turn her gay. I meant he'd...never mind! Jason Todd says goodbye and then flounces out of Gotham with a "You said I'll never be Dick Grayson!" Jesus, Jason Todd! You need some lessons in being a warrior space princess. Chill out!

With the death of Jade, Catwoman decides it's time to take her rightful place as ruler of The Gotham Underground (the regular underground and not the stupid Ann Nocenti underground). As the daughter of Rex Calabrese (supposedly?), she's ready to take control of the city and stop the chaos. And not because Batman told her to stop causing chaos. Fuck Batman.

This guy's a dick.

Batman Eternal #28 Rating: +1 Ranking. Why can't Futures End be this entertaining?