Saturday, October 18, 2014

World's End #1

Is The Huntress going to recognize Replacement Grandfather?

World's End begins with Alan Scott getting all of his facts wrong. He thinks that the DC Multiverse consists of an infinite amount of Earths created by every single decision that every single person makes on a daily basis. The reality of the DC Multiverse is that the only actions that mattered were the ones by Mr. Mind and they all had to do with his diet. Except I think everything is different now because Superboy punched reality and then Flash went back in time to keep his mom alive and then Pandora opened her box and Wildstorm lost their lease and had to move in with Vertigo but Vertigo was having problems too and had to let some people go and so they all crowded into Batman's house and that's why there are only 52 Universes in the DC Universe. Plus there's whatever dimension Darkseid lives in. And there are all the other universes that are alternate futures of the current 52 universes. Plus a lot of pocket dimensions created by crap writers like you know who and the other one.

Fuck it. Maybe Alan Scott is right! DC has never had a very good handle on their multiverses!

This issue is very creatively called "Apokolips Now." I'm sure that's never been used before. I wish I had the creative genius to have come up with that title! I would have probably called this issue "Tales From The Darkseid" or "Parademons Beats Paradise."

There are a lot of credits to get through but here's the one that I'm most interested in:

Oh look! Special Thanks to the other one!

Alan Scott remembers when he was gay before his fiance was refrigerated and he became Green Lantern and he lost all hint of his sexuality. But the flashback shows Alan and his partner having a rational discussion which isn't gay at all! Shouldn't there be lots of leather and ball gags and penises? This is confusing! According to these three panels of Alan and Sam, I could be gay! Am I gay?! They're not even discussing how oppressed they are which is a total cop out! Instead, Sam is telling Alan that he shouldn't be working on BOOM Tube technology with that asshole slimeball Sloan and Alan is telling Sam he's stupid and he should shut up. I'm paraphrasing!

In other news and panels, other people on Earth-2 once had loved ones as well! Clark had parents before Flip-the-Fuck-Out Superman killed his father (although Clark was already dead by then so I guess the panel is showing how happy Ma was before all this shit went down), Helena had non-dead (as opposed to undead) parents, Jay Garrick had a mother, Dick Grayson and Barbara Gordon were having a baby (wait. What?), and Kendra and Khalid were friends or something. Earth-2 was fine and dandy and beautiful to behold! I think I'm supposed to have feelings but I stopped having those somewhere in my mid-twenties.

Terry Sloan (the original Mister Terrific! Now Mister DV8 or something) is shown not having family at all. Ha ha! Loser! That must be why he's searching other worlds for people to kidnap. Like Michael Holt (the new Mister Terrific!). He just wants a friend.

I think this scene is just showing how straights and gays have a lot in common. Being a straight, I put on my shirt one arm at a time after having sex with men too.

Over (or under?) in the 9th Dimension, Steppenwolf explains why he's keeping Mister Miracle and Big Barda alive. I don't know where the 9th Dimension is located or who in the DC Universe normally lives there but it looks like it smells like poo. Sorry for the extreme language and irrational judgements. I know I am better than that. You don't know I'm better than that because that's all I do in my commentaries. But I know I am! And that's all that matters because you're just a figment of my imagination.

Back in Gotham, Batman arrests Jimmy Olsen just before Jimmy Olsen saves the world. But Jimmy Olsen makes a mistake that will doom Earth-2 forever: he calls Batman "Bruce." No way is Jimmy Olsen getting a fair trial now! It's right into the stasis chamber with that know-it-all brat before he can blab his secret all over Earth-2's internet. Too bad Earth-2 doesn't have a Justice League because Jimmy Olsen just nailed the interview.

And then the invasion began!

Worst rallying cry ever.

The battle begins with Superman and Batman receiving lots and lots of character development and motivation when Lois and Selina are packed tight into an Earth-2 Frigidaire. Wonder Woman must not be currently fucking a woman because she doesn't get any character development at all. Maybe that's why her comic book has never been as popular. She needs more female lovers in her life so they can be killed and she can experience some character building.

Just like that time that giant squid creature exploded in New York, the world banded together when the parademons began invading Earth. See? Ozymandias was right! This comic book plot confirms that his plan to unite the world was a good plan.

Are you kidding? The Joker's motivation is the easiest one of them all to determine! He's fucking in love with The Batman.

Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman gave their lives to end the invasion from Apokolips. After that was five years of peace before Earth 2 #1 began and the shit decided to start rolling downhill once more.

Alan recounts the events of Earth-2. I'm not going to recount my commentaries of the events of Earth-2. So let me skip ahead here. Let's see...dead Sam...Solomon Grundy...Sloan's a dick...World Army hunts people die...Bedlam...Cern...Val-el...Apokolips faux retreat...World Army moves into Wonder Woman's backyard...and that's it! I think we're all caught up! I wonder if I should have read Earth-2 first this week instead of World's End?

That's also twenty-one pages of comic book and, according to the staples, I'm just halfway through it! And all for just $2.99! Suck it, Marvel!

A metaphor for what? A brand new day? That's not a metaphor! That's what's happening! Oh wait. I get it. Never mind.

The members of The Soon To Be Justice Society are busy cleaning up the world. Hawk Cop does it in a sexy Halloween costume that would be showing half of her pubic hair if this were 1974. She's also wearing a top with a nice big pull tab for easy unzipping by those nasty foes she might face. At least it looks like she's wearing proper combat lipstick.

Meanwhile in Chicago, shippers get to enjoy Grayson and Gordon in a long-term, baby-making relationship. Unless they don't care about it because this is just Earth-2 Babs and Dick.

Babs is a Chicago cop and Dick is a (excuse me while I vomit) journalist. Earth-2 should be referred to as the OTP World. It's given people Supes and Lois, Bruce and Selina, and now Dick and Babs! What's next? Barry and Hal? It better since that's my OTP. I mean, just after Jason Blood and Etrigan.

While most of the Soon To Be Justice Society are busy picking up the pieces, Replacement Batman is busy planning how to finish the war. Bedlam escaped with Holt, Sloan, and Mister Miracle. As long as he's still out there, the war isn't over and only Replacement Batman is worried about it (of course!).

I hope Val-el continues to be a pacifist since that's how Kal-el really should act. The only reason he ever needs to punch shit is because writers constantly escalate the threats. But Val-el was facing off against a Bizarro that was destroying the entire world and he didn't have to throw a single punch. All Superman needs to do is walk into a situation, grab people by their scruffs, and restrain them somehow (rope, zip ties, encase them in iron). He can't be hurt so why does he need to behave like the thugs that are attacking him and the world, right?

The World Army is still thinking like Replacement Batman. Commander Khan is working on figuring out how to shut down the fire pits and searching for Bedlam. If he shuts down the fire pits, will it release the Red Lantern?

Hawk Cop and Doctor Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs head off to intercept some new visitor to the world while Helena is reunited with Replacement Grandfather. That takes place in Earth 2 #27 so I guess I'm reading these in the correct order. And Power Girl is reunited with Tornado Lane, her dead, robotic cousin-in-law.

Or mother. Or pseudo-mother. Whatever. Stupid Earth-2 relationships!

And then the Four Horsewomen of Apokolips burst out of the fire pits to begin the ending of the world. Again.

World's End #1 Rating: I've been hoping for more Earth-2 stories, so I should be happy that we've now got a lot more Earth-2 happening to cover all of these characters. But I was kind of hoping to get Earth-2 stories that didn't revolve around more invasions from Apokolips. I know that boat had sunk a long time ago when Futures End began and we were told Earth-2 eventually succumbs to the invasion. I guess we've got a few months more of Earth-2 versus Apokolips before things can settle down and the Justice Society can begin battling Ultra-humanite. Overall, I enjoyed this and look forward to Dick and Babs and little Johnny getting some costumes thrown together. Also I hope some people die since it's only Earth-2 people! Nobody cares about Twofers!

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