Action Comics #35

That stuff'll kill you, Superman.

I think this cover is supposed to say "DOOMED AFTERMATH" across it. I can't wait to find out if Superman and Brainiac are now collector's items in Preboot Brainiac's collection!

Turns out, just Brainiac (Vril Dox, to be precise) was tossed into the black hole that must not have been a very good black hole because it didn't crush him at all. Superman did wind up far from Earth though. The black hole's gravity well must have slingshot him into deep space. Far enough away that he grew a full beard on the flight back home. Now, up until this point in The New 52, I don't think Superman has done a lot of flying through deep space. He did head to Krypton's solar system on one or two occasions but it never took him sixty days to get there and back. It seemed more instantaneous. But now that he's spent sixty days "tearing non-stop through endless space," I have a few questions.

How did he breathe? We just saw in Superman Unchained that Superman needs to breathe and that he can't hold his breath for very long. I suppose he could hold it longer when a super powerful alien is not punching him in the throat. But sixty days? And did he choose a route that flew close to a bunch of yellow suns while avoiding those asshole red suns? How did he not just run out of energy and lose his power on the way home? And why does he fly straight through the rings of Saturn instead of going around? Stop fucking up our traditional view of the solar system by warping Saturn's rings, you jerk!

Anyway, Superman finally finds his way back to Earth. But is it the Earth he's actually from?! Dun dun DUN!

Well, whatever Earth he's found, Bruce Wayne is still an asshole control freak.

Supergirl meets Superman while he's falling through the sky thanks to Batman's Anti-Superman Satellite systems. Hey, you can never be too careful, right? He might have come back as Doomsday! Which, as we've seen, is only exacerbated by Kryptonite. So, you know, good job, Batman. You fucking moron.

Speaking of Doomsday, does Superman still have his Doomsday Herpes? Luckily Lois Lane was cured of her Brainiachlamydia at the end of Doomed. The Fortress of Solitude has been smashed to pieces (again! Wasn't it destroyed in Superman Unchained as well? I guess it's easy to rebuild. All Superman has to do is plant a crystal from Krypton) which means Krypto is probably running loose around the neighborhood super fucking all of the other dogs. And what must Wonder Woman be thinking? Her boyfriend has been missing for two months! I hope Wonder Woman took possession of Warworld as conciliation!

Ha ha ha! Omni your way out of that one, Shay!

Look, I'm not going to shed a tear about the disappearance of Scott Lobdell's creation, Shay Veritas, from continuity. But it just doesn't make any sense! Why would she be sucked into The Phantom Zone when she was merely a holographic projection inside the Fortress of Solitude? She can't leave The Block in the center of the Earth for comic book reasons! It looks like the editors and Greg Pak are using the aftermath of Doomed to clean house a little bit. No more easy way to shove villains into The Phantom Zone. No more Shay Veritas telling everybody the answers to everything. No more dangerous menagerie of aliens being kept for the fun of it by Superman. And Supergirl isn't done with the bad news! I bet it's that Wonder Woman and Lex Luthor are now dating.

Supergirl points out that Kandor is also missing and wonders if maybe Brainiac took it. Why doesn't she think it is also in The Phantom Zone? Every other disappearance she credits with the implosion of The Phantom Zone projector. And she's only guessing at those because she mentions how she has searched Earth for traces of Non, Mongul, and the Phantom King only to find no trace of them. Therefore, Supergirl concludes, they are in The Phantom Zone. As is Shay since she's missing. And the menagerie since it's missing. But not Kandor! Kandor is special or something.

I guess I should read further before commenting even if Supergirl spends three panels freaking out about where the Bottled City could have gone and speculating on things other than it being in The Phantom Zone. It turns out she seems to think they're inside since she's relieved to find they should be all right since there is no time in The Phantom Zone. Although time passes while inside or else nobody could ever think through a linear thought and would just be frozen in stasis. I think The Phantom Zone just recycles the same second over and over again so that it seems like linear time but nothing ages or changes.

Superman reboots the Fortress of Solitude which should regrow itself in forty days. Until then, we can all rest easy that we won't have to hear from Omniologist Shay Veritas.

Without a Fortress of Solitude, Superman decides to spend some time as Clark Kent, Investigative Journalist! So he heads to Smallville to find some clues. Or closure. Or something.

I'm dead inside so I don't care about Lana and Clark's relationship.

Clark and Lana head down to the Smallville Cemetary [sic] to visit Lana's parents since they died during Doomed. Lana lets Clark know that she resents him for not saving her parents because she knows him personally so, you know, her people are more important than other people's people. Then she takes him to meet her boyfriend. I hope it's Lex Luthor! Or Krypto!

Turns out it's John Henry Irons. It's obvious what she sees in him! He's a steel driving man!

Later Clark visits with Bruce Wayne who informs Clark that he does not have Doomsday Herpes anymore. Clark decides it's because he flew through a bunch of black holes. Bruce figures that Clark is a lying piece of shit. Clark gives Bruce a small melanoma on his scalp because take that, you smug asshole. Bruce puts an untraceable microscopic tracker inside Superman's cup of tea that is programmed to attach to the inside of Superman's urethra. Superman reads all of Bruce's secret papers with his x-ray vision while they talk. Both of them ignore the palpable, overwhelming sexual tension in the room.

Next on the list of people to get reacquainted with before finding his dog: Lois Lane.

More cleanup!

You know Clark wrote the "Who Needs Superman, Anyway?" article just to find out Lois Lane's reaction to Superman! And apparently she still loves him! Clark has a chance! Clark must have blogged the piece on Clarkcatropolis.com because Lois read it. But it only became popular after Lois reblogged it because a bunch of shallow d-bags read Lois's shitty blog but not Clark's massively intellectual and super entertaining and insightful blog! Where's my Lois? Oh! I remember! Gail Simone is my Lois! The only time anybody notices me is when Gail Simone reblogs something! I like when she likes something I've written and doesn't reblog it because then it's like a secret between us that none of her rabid fans get to share in!

Lois Lane writes a retaliatory piece explaining why Superman is needed. Which is exactly what Clark Kent wanted to hear! What a manipulative little drama weasel! What a compliment fisherman! What a great reporter! He tricked Lois into doing all the research in one article that he couldn't be bothered to perform himself! Now he knows where Baka has been and where Metallo (now Metal Zero, hero!) has been and what Martian Manhunter is doing and Supergirl and Ghost Soldier and lots of other stuff! She even tells him where to find Krypto! Clark Kent is so smart! And lazy!

Lois says some stupid shit, you know the kind she usually writes. But then Lana has a rebuttal to Lois! But Lana doesn't have a popular blog so she just stands in the Smallville Cemetary [sic] and speaks her rebuttal into the wind.

You could have asked J'onn J'onzz to save your parents, you know.

It isn't Clark that startles Lana. It's zombies! No, seriously. It's zombies. Her parents are clawing up out of their graves to eat her brains. Hopefully Clark did hear her and now he'll teach her a lesson. Let her save herself! Although recent portrayals of Lana Lang (all by Greg Pak) have led me to believe that she doesn't have a problem fighting monsters and taking care of herself. I guess she's just feeling particularly sorry for herself and mad at Clark because of her parents' deaths. I think this zombie thing will help move her past that.

Action Comics #35 Rating: +1 Ranking. I think a lot of comic books are going to feel like they're the best version of the comic that I've ever read now that Futures End Month is over and these comics can settle into a non-crossover rhythm for a few months.