Fuck you, The Batman! Take your $4.99 and shove it up your Bat-ass! You fucking thief!
Judas didn't exactly die. He was euthanized. He'd gotten a blood clot that broke loose and lodged in his left hind leg, causing it to swell and produce crazy amounts of pain. He was at the point where he was dragging his hindquarters around while screaming and hissing. He was okay when he was lying down but I think he was a bit tired of pissing all over himself. I knew Tuesday night that he'd had enough. He just kept looking at me as if to say, "Fix it, you stupid monkey." But I couldn't fix it. I would have traded years off of my life to fix it. But we don't get magic and wishes, do we? Stupid world. So we, the Non-Certified Spouse and I, took him to the vet where he got fucked up on opium and finally felt safe and content and free from his pain.
This picture is only fourteen years old even though it's a Polaroid and Judas is on a turntable.
I can't remember the last time I cried as hard or as much as this. He was my best friend for almost fifteen years. We'd tamed each other. He was my familiar. Or I was his. Sometimes it's hard to say. I love you, Jupelo. Go tear ass over the rainbow bridge, buddy.
One last thing! I used to call him Jupelo (as well as about twenty thousand other nicknames. His alias was Franklin Krenshaw). But yesterday, the Non-Certified Spouse reminded me that I used to sing it to the Nick Cave song, "Tupelo." I'd sing, "Jupelo! Big black cat comin' down! Big black cat comin' down! Jupelo!"
This issue of Batman begins with the residents of Gotham, once again, getting fucked up.
Stop saying "literally," people. It doesn't add anything. Unless you're describing something that people would take as a metaphor if you just left it on it's own, it's not needed! It's not making your story any more exciting and it only makes it sound like you're usually lying if you have to add "literally" or "honestly" to every stupid Goddamn mundane sentence you utter.
The gas was Bat-gas (which is harmless but smell's of waffles) and it was released simply to clear downtown Gotham so that Batman could battle with some unseen enemy. Also so he can probably break lots and lots of windows for Wayne Window Repair to come through and rake in the cash later.
Also, the events in this issue take place after Batman Eternal. So Batman lives?! I guess I can stop reading that! I guess the $4.99 cover price was worth it in the long run! It's going to save me $2.99 per week for months!
Alfred lives as well! And Julia! And a new Bat-base! But who's the owl?! I guess I have to keep reading Batman Eternal just to find out about the owl! Also, I said, "Who's the owl?" Get it?!
It turns out the person Batman is fighting when the issue begins is Wonder Woman. I guess that's why he needed his battle armor. She wants to kill him for some reason. I say "for some reason" because I don't know which of the dozens of reasons to kill Bruce she's acting on.
Wonder Woman isn't the only member of the Justice League trying to kill Batman. The Flash tries to run Batman down too. Sorry but you have to mention "running" in some way whenever you talk about The Flash. I suppose Lex Luthor must have drugged their potato salad because why else would the Justice League attack Batman? They know they can't defeat him!
Batman defeats Aquaman with gum. I think tangling him in the plastic rings of a six-pack would have been more fitting.
The cover price means that James Tynion IV wrote a back-up story that I now need to read. It takes place near Arkham Manor which is a new comic book that came out this week which I won't be reading for a few weeks now at the rate I'm falling behind. I guess it's a consequence of Batman Eternal as well and possibly the reason Bruce and Alfred have fled the Batcave to live in the Owl Townhouse. The story is called "The Pale Man" so it must be about Dream of The Endless.
It's about five escaped Arkham inmates that have five different stories that The Joker supposedly told them. And they need to tell the stories to Doctor Zaheer. But only one story is true and the other stories are not! And the stories that aren't true will kill the people that tell them! Or something. I'm sure it will all become clear in about sixteen months.
Batman #35 Rating: +1 Ranking. I liked it even though good guys battled other good guys! And the back-up story was nice and creepy and confusing too! And confusing must mean that it's intellectual, right? So I have to like it or people might think I'm a dumby! Boy, it was super good and I totally understood it and everything!