Batman #35

Fuck you, The Batman! Take your $4.99 and shove it up your Bat-ass! You fucking thief!

I wasn't really hungry yesterday but I figured I should probably go get a burrito from the local cheap Mexican take-out place because I'd probably get hungry during the wee hours of the morning and I didn't want to be stuck having to eat some stupid Munchie Meal from a clown puppet. The clerk that took my order asked me how my day was going, so I lied and told him it was okay. Then he asked if I was staying out of the rain and I smirked and said I was trying. Because when clerks are just trying to be polite and earn their minimum wage, they don't want to hear that your cat died and you got soaked while digging its fucking grave, do they?

Judas didn't exactly die. He was euthanized. He'd gotten a blood clot that broke loose and lodged in his left hind leg, causing it to swell and produce crazy amounts of pain. He was at the point where he was dragging his hindquarters around while screaming and hissing. He was okay when he was lying down but I think he was a bit tired of pissing all over himself. I knew Tuesday night that he'd had enough. He just kept looking at me as if to say, "Fix it, you stupid monkey." But I couldn't fix it. I would have traded years off of my life to fix it. But we don't get magic and wishes, do we? Stupid world. So we, the Non-Certified Spouse and I, took him to the vet where he got fucked up on opium and finally felt safe and content and free from his pain.

This picture is only fourteen years old even though it's a Polaroid and Judas is on a turntable.

Judas was really good with car rides for many years. But then he was in a car accident on the way home from the vet with the Non-Certified Spouse (another occasion, one of about half a dozen, where he was on death's door) and he never took to riding in the car or visiting the vet ever again. But yesterday, he was calm and serene and his old, curious self. He was relaxed and watching the cars and the scenery go by. After getting doped, he lay his head on the edge of the bottom half of the carrier and just drooled. After he had the stint put in his arm (where the euthanasia drugs would finally be administered), he lay on his side with his head in my hand as I scratched his ear. He drooled, and pushed against my hand, and tried to purr but he only produced a slight rumble. And he was kneading bread dough. You know, making biscuits? His big old front paws were just kneading the air like when he was a much younger man. He hadn't done that for years. But now, he was safe, and he was comfortable, and he was content. It was a good death. And then I took him home (even though I wasn't supposed to because he was now filled with poison!) and I buried him in the backyard under an angel statue from my Grandmother, and a peace sign made from concrete and bottle caps from an ex-neighbor, and a giant, colorful fish statue, and a faceless human head. It's a nice, cozy place. And he was buried in a Sailor Moon box my mother made for me along with a tiny alien head necklace I used to wear, which he would constantly chew on, and a handful of sticky toys, which he loved more than anything. Although I think he probably loved opium more, there at the end.

I can't remember the last time I cried as hard or as much as this. He was my best friend for almost fifteen years. We'd tamed each other. He was my familiar. Or I was his. Sometimes it's hard to say. I love you, Jupelo. Go tear ass over the rainbow bridge, buddy.

One last thing! I used to call him Jupelo (as well as about twenty thousand other nicknames. His alias was Franklin Krenshaw). But yesterday, the Non-Certified Spouse reminded me that I used to sing it to the Nick Cave song, "Tupelo." I'd sing, "Jupelo! Big black cat comin' down! Big black cat comin' down! Jupelo!"

This issue of Batman begins with the residents of Gotham, once again, getting fucked up.

Stop saying "literally," people. It doesn't add anything. Unless you're describing something that people would take as a metaphor if you just left it on it's own, it's not needed! It's not making your story any more exciting and it only makes it sound like you're usually lying if you have to add "literally" or "honestly" to every stupid Goddamn mundane sentence you utter.

The gas that everybody flees in terror from is just harmless gas. I don't know what gas is harmless because I only took Chemistry in 11th Grade from a new teacher from Australia named Ms. Quayle. She really tried to teach the class as if we were responsible college students and thus everybody cheated ruthlessly. Not me, of course! I was too smart to need to cheat! Although I guess allowing the seniors who sat near me to copy my answers was cheating as well. But I didn't want them to think I was uncool! I wanted them to think, "That Tess! Boy, is he a great guy or what? We should probably invite him to one of our gigantic senior kegger parties where everybody fucks everybody and we all do tons of blow and play Russian Roulette!" But they never did invite me to their orgies. They never even talked to me in the halls. They just sat in class going, "Psst! Psst! Tess! Tess! What did you get for all of the answers?!" And I would pretend I didn't hear them and hunch over my test so they couldn't see the answers. Oh yeah! I didn't let them cheat off me! That's why I never got the invites to their orgies!

The gas was Bat-gas (which is harmless but smell's of waffles) and it was released simply to clear downtown Gotham so that Batman could battle with some unseen enemy. Also so he can probably break lots and lots of windows for Wayne Window Repair to come through and rake in the cash later.

Also, the events in this issue take place after Batman Eternal. So Batman lives?! I guess I can stop reading that! I guess the $4.99 cover price was worth it in the long run! It's going to save me $2.99 per week for months!

Alfred lives as well! And Julia! And a new Bat-base! But who's the owl?! I guess I have to keep reading Batman Eternal just to find out about the owl! Also, I said, "Who's the owl?" Get it?!

Oh. I guess I don't have to keep reading Batman Eternal! Because the owl is just part of the tawdry decorations from the previous owners, an obscure group called The Court of Owls. After Alfred and Bruce share a laugh the way they always do, Wonder Woman crashes through the window and smashes Bruce's face into the floor. You know, the way she always does. I didn't know one of her super powers was being able to see through the wrong side of one-way glass! I guess she probably heard Bruce laughing. Although I don't know how she would have recognized that sound.

It turns out the person Batman is fighting when the issue begins is Wonder Woman. I guess that's why he needed his battle armor. She wants to kill him for some reason. I say "for some reason" because I don't know which of the dozens of reasons to kill Bruce she's acting on.

Wonder Woman isn't the only member of the Justice League trying to kill Batman. The Flash tries to run Batman down too. Sorry but you have to mention "running" in some way whenever you talk about The Flash. I suppose Lex Luthor must have drugged their potato salad because why else would the Justice League attack Batman? They know they can't defeat him!

Batman defeats Aquaman with gum. I think tangling him in the plastic rings of a six-pack would have been more fitting.

Next, Superman arrives and punches Batman into next issue. But first, he smiles and laughs which means only one person can be behind this: umm, wait. What was his name? You know the guy! The Kidder? Enh, whatever. It's that guy! The jerko or something!

The cover price means that James Tynion IV wrote a back-up story that I now need to read. It takes place near Arkham Manor which is a new comic book that came out this week which I won't be reading for a few weeks now at the rate I'm falling behind. I guess it's a consequence of Batman Eternal as well and possibly the reason Bruce and Alfred have fled the Batcave to live in the Owl Townhouse. The story is called "The Pale Man" so it must be about Dream of The Endless.

It's about five escaped Arkham inmates that have five different stories that The Joker supposedly told them. And they need to tell the stories to Doctor Zaheer. But only one story is true and the other stories are not! And the stories that aren't true will kill the people that tell them! Or something. I'm sure it will all become clear in about sixteen months.

Batman #35 Rating: +1 Ranking. I liked it even though good guys battled other good guys! And the back-up story was nice and creepy and confusing too! And confusing must mean that it's intellectual, right? So I have to like it or people might think I'm a dumby! Boy, it was super good and I totally understood it and everything!