Monday, October 27, 2014

Trinity of Sin #1

Yay! Time for some bad characterizations and pseudo-philosophical bullshit!

As you can tell by the caption above, I'm not exactly hyped about this Trinity of Sin comic book. J.M. DeMatteis had far more misses than hits during his Phantom Stranger run and I don't even remember who was writing Pandora. Was it DeMatteis too? Or Ray Fawkes? Whatever. Unless this comic book comes at these characters from a new angle, I can't be bothered to care about how the Powers That Be are punishing and torturing them for no reason. And none of them are just flipping off God or the Council of Wizards or Whatever Capitalized Name the Manipulator Goes By and just walking the fuck away from it all. Judas did nothing that wasn't expected of him. He has nothing to feel guilty about. Pandora did nothing with any malice or ill will. Punishing curiosity is a dick move, Council of Wizards. And The, well, I don't know about him. He might be a complete asshole. Right now he's a cypher. Which might be a synonym for asshole.

I do have to give Pandora credit for having the best outfit out of everyone in The New 52. Hell, all three of these Sinners are pretty swank! Although I don't like that The Phantom Stranger is encouraging people to wear capes and fedoras. That might be a decent reason to punish him for eternity.

The issue begins with some light sensitive bacteria Narration Boxing about how he lived through a beautiful age of darkness (some call this "night") only to suddenly have his kin wiped out by an eternity of light (some call this "day"). But eventually, after all but he were wiped out (he must be the 0.01% of bacteria that antibacterial soap can't kill), another unending age of darkness was upon him (again, "night")! But this time, the darkness called out to him! Called his name! "Nimraa," it whispered in that sexy, husky voice darkness always uses, "My servant. It's time." And that was when Nimraa climbed up into somebody careless enough to use a public toilet seat without wiping it down or putting down a toilet cover's anal fissure to destroy the world!

Get out your heavy ponchos! Here comes the pseudo-philosophical bullshit!

From now on whenever I'm at a restaurant, I'm going to ask the server, "Who am I?" I guess they'll realize I'm inquiring about the specials by tone and inflection?

The Question has no idea who he is even though he's been asking "Who am I?" for about two thousand years now. Nobody seems to know the answer. Or they keep answering some other question they think he's actually asking.

I suppose this means The Trinity of Sin is going to run fifty-two issues before revealing the identity of The Question? Or will The Question be The New 52's version of the Preboot Phantom Stranger where he had lots of possible origins but they never really nailed down who he was?

Also, there's no way this series will make it to issue #52!

This issue is called "The Wages of Sin, Part One: Nightfall." I would have called it "Sinchronicity!" (with the exclamation point so the reader knows, right off the bat, that it's going to be exciting). Or maybe I'd call it "Sinesthesia." Oh! I know! "Punishment Not Intended!" That's a pun on "pun not intended" and speaks to the punishments given to people that don't deserve them!

Anyway, The Question just found out that his landlady is actually a landfourarmedbullcreature. And rent is due!

A thousand questions that all happen to be the same question: Who am I?!

I guess this kind of thing kept happening to The Phantom Stranger and Pandora, issue after issue, so it's about time The Question had to deal with other worldly entities masquerading as human beings. I just have one question. Who am I?

Meanwhile The Phantom Stranger and Terrance Thirteen are battling a gigantic green poltergeist in Golden Gate Park. Fucking poltergeists ruin the park for everybody. No wait. I'm thinking of teenagers.

Oh! The Phantom Stranger meant teenager as well!

The Stranger sends this kid to heaven where, according to "You Never Give Me Your Money," all children should go. Then Terrence is stabbed through the chest by a flaming sword wielded by a life-sized He-man action figure. It's a serpent headed woman. I know it's a woman because it has boobs even though a female serpent has no use for boobs. They'd just get in the way while slithering about.

While The Question battles the Landminotaur, and The Phantom Stranger battles Snakewoman, Pandora enjoys a day at the beach in Southern India, thanks to a suggestion from her baby lover, Marcus. He's a baby and her lover, not a lover of babies. Unless he's a bit older than that. However old he currently is, it's too young for Pandora! Anyway, I guess she'll be fighting some kind of dolphin king soon. Or a Monkeyphant!

Darn. I was really hoping for the Monkeyphant.

The Trinity are nearly defeated but Pandora does some kind of hocus pocus and all three of them rise up to defeat the monsters attacking them. And then they all appear in Southern India thinking about maybe teaming up for awhile. Three characters in a book triples the amount of fans willing to torrent this book! I mean, buy this book! Just think of all The Question fans that can't wait to...oh wait. I think most of those are Renee Montoya fans. Oh well, The Phantom Stranger and Pandora can probably account for eight thousand books per month. Hopefully The Question can be mysterious enough to cover the rest and keep them out of cancellation territory for longer than eight issues.

I doubt it though.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Jesus died for our sins! He died to prevent suffering! He died because The Stranger betrayed him! Ipso facto addendum: The Phantom Stranger has prevented human suffering! And, well, Pandora gave the world hope. Which, admittedly, The Question hates. And which, admittedly again, probably causes quite a bit of suffering when it dies. So fine. Fuck Pandora.

The Question runs off to pout while The Stranger decides to investigate so that he can rescue Terrance Thirteen's soul. Pandora decides to get into The Phantom Stranger's backseat and jabber incessantly like a raving asshole.

The Damnated Duo follow the mystic clues up into space where they encounter the source of all of their troubles: Quackers the Cosmic Devil Duck.

If I were a cynical person, I'd think this entire comic book had been created to sell action figures.

Trinity of Sin #1 Rating: I guess I'm kind of interested in The Question's background but not enough to continue buying a comic book that will no doubt string the reader along for many, many issues instead of revealing anything about him. And I was interested in The Phantom Stranger but his previous series killed most of my curiosity towards him. But Pandora is cute and dresses nicely and shoots big guns, so I guess I'm still kind of interested in her. But this series doesn't have a lot to offer with its premier issue, so I'm going to rank it down in the forties for now. I do have one question and it isn't any form of "Who am I?" It's how do you pronounce Yvel Guichet's name? Evil Goose shit?

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