Batman Loves Superman #14

One second after this picture was taken, Superman "accidentally" ripped Batman's face off.

Last issue, Batman and Superman suffered a case of spontaneous amnesia. Too bad for me, neither one of them is the Narrator. That would have saved me from having to read this story! Instead, I'm going to finish reading this story and then promptly come down with my own case of spontaneous amnesia (it'll be prompt because it's spontaneous!). That sounds so relaxing! Why don't humans have reset buttons on their brains? I think that's proof against Intelligent Design because any intelligent designer would have enabled humans to reboot without a third party power surge. That's a reference to electroshock therapy!

I wonder if I should begin using footnotes? That would make my blog edgy and postal modern!

I learned today that my non-certified step in-laws think they should get me drunk more often because I'm more fun that way, that when I come to visit I usually just hide myself away and read a book, and that I kept whining one Thanksgiving because my non-certified father-in-law put chicken broth in the vegetables! I have to say the first two things are absolutely true. Although, as an addendum, I'm a lot of fun when I'm not drunk and when I'm actually interested in being around the people I'm hanging around. As for the last one, it pisses me off. I hate when people believe something that isn't true and now have based an opinion on you off of that "fact." What happened was, when it became common knowledge that the vegetables were tainted with chicken stink, I said, "Don't worry about it." So my step-brother-in-law either wants to believe that vegetarians are all whiny assholes that can't deal with a family member's mistake, or, and this is entirely probable and most likely possible, I kept faking like it ruined the whole night and he, not knowing me very well because I'm always in the other room reading books, took my comments at face value. What a jerk!

Don't worry! The above won't cause any family drama because it'll probably be a cold day in a fictional place (that isn't Narnia) before they read anything written by me! They're into art you can look at and oooh and aaahhh over amongst other people. What I'm saying is that they're actually into impressing other people with their reactions to art rather than the art itself! Unless they're reading this for some reason and then, ha ha! It was all a big joke and in good fun! What good sports you are!

Oh my god! I have a new hobby! I'm going to pitch one comic book idea to DC's Twitter account every day until they let me write all of their titles! Or at least let me replace Greg Pak! I can come up with ideas twice as good as his stuff! Here's one I just thought up off the top of my head: Superman and Batman go to Subway and order identical sandwiches. Chaos ensues!

So this is the premise of this story? Will Superman and Batman still be heroes without their memories?! That's Remedial Plot Writing 101, Greg Pak! I'd rather read my Subway story!

Bruce Wayne, having forgotten that his parents weren't supposed to die in vain, has been living it up playboy billionaire bachelor style! He's banging Mayor Hady's wife (unless it's a different Mayor) and taking away Alfred's health insurance. Without the memory of his parents, he's forgotten how to be a hero! Well played, Kaiyo! And Greg Pak! Except I have a feeling Batman's personality is going to win out somehow. Maybe a poor child will give Bruce a flower and then hug him, and Bruce will be all, "She must have had an extra flower and then wiped her hands on me."

That last sentence would have a footnote telling you to read my Justice League #34 commentary but I'm not hip and portmanteau enough to have footnotes or meandering texts or webpages that can only be read when you spin your monitor around.

If I were Superman, I'd probably begin unbuckling my pants at this point. "Ladies, ladies! There's enough super cock to go around!"

While Catwoman rubs her crotch on the back of Superman's neck (That's how I first fell in love!), Lois tries to explain to Superman that he's lost his memories. But not having any memories, Superman finds it hard to believe that he's lost his memories. Doesn't everybody just go around naked and confused? That Lois Lane isn't going to fool him into betraying his new cat girlfriend! She'll have to rub a lot more than her crotch on him to convince him she's the one to trust!

Superman leaves with the correct woman, leaving Lois Lane all alone when Batman arrives. I don't mean to offend any robots with that last statement since Lois is left with some robots. But robots, no matter how intensely they vibrate and how smoothly they slide into nether orifices, can never replace the company of another human being. Oh, they can totally replace other human beings' usually negligible sexual skills! But they can't replace their company!

I think when she said "stupid," she meant to say "upbeat."

Superman decides he should probably figure out who he is and what motivates him so that he can start pretending to be himself. And who better to tell him who he is than Toymaster!

That could use a footnote too! And then it would list about fifty different people who would be better suited to explain to Superman what Superman means. But since this is Greg Pak's comic book, I guess we'll let him have New 52 characters he's developed explain to Superman what makes him so super and inspiring. I bet it's the bright, primary colors.

Batman goes through his own trial of remembrance with Lois Lane and The Scarecrow. But Batman's going to have to remember the death of his parents before he becomes a hero again, so that's going to be sad. Unless Greg Pak finds the hilarity in it! I hope he goes that way with the story.

"Okay, Master Bruce. But first, your Rohypnol Tea!"

Alfred tells Bruce about his parents and Bruce is all, "Yeah, yeah. I already know that! Tell me how to be Batman already!" And Alfred is all, "Well, first you have to suck this."

Meanwhile, Superman teams up with Toymaster and Catwoman to become Judge Dredd.

Batman Loves Superman #14 Rating: -1 Ranking. Next issue, Batmite and Mr. Mxyzptlk arrive to kick Kaiyo and Lord Satanus's asses for taking their jobs. Goddamned scabs.