Justice League United #5

What use are gloves like those?!

Now that Judas has moved from my comic book boxes to a hole in the backyard, I was finally able to put away about six months worth of comic books! I had to buy two new short boxes and I still didn't have enough room to organize all of the comic books I've purchased since The New 52 began. I believe I've filled nearly ten short boxes, not accounting for the extra space I've left in the six boxes that currently contain the continuing titles. My Marvel comics are in a pile waiting for a new box as are all the comic books I've purchased that aren't part of the New 52 and all of the Futures End September One Shots. That's a lot of shitty reading I've had to endure!

Oh, okay! I'll admit that it wasn't all shitty reading! Mostly because I don't want all the New 52 haters to think I'm on their side. As if DC had been shitting gold and frankincense before The New 52 and everything was all newborn messiahs and salvation! Although I do think DC has lost sight of what will truly keep their comic books fresh and interesting: the writers. They seem to not mind keeping shitty writers on staff while letting some of the best writers go sign up exclusively with Marvel. I bet Marvel has less editorial interference! That's probably why they have to constantly explain continuity issues with clones. Although is it better to have a universe riddled with clones or to have a universe that keeps exploding into a brand new universe? That's a philosophical question that isn't meant to have an answer! Like why are nice guys never actually nice, or why are men that think they're smarter than women always angry, virgin monsters that nobody can stand to listen to? And why won't women give them a chance?

I don't have any more unanswerable questions because those two probably already got me in enough trouble with my reading base as it is. How are things going, nice guys? You guys sure are nice!

I bet I actually have more female readers than male readers because, truth of the matter (my truth, anyway!), I don't think I've clearly stated my position on hating women in a way that loathsome male comic book fans can understand. Probably because I don't hate women but I don't want them to know that I don't hate women because then I'd lose a bunch of readers! And I'll say anything not to lose readers!

If anything I said previously makes you want to stop reading, I'm sorry I said it and I totally didn't mean it and I actually meant the complete opposite!

Look at that thigh gap on Stargirl!

This whole thigh gap thing is so out of control. I have a feeling that the thigh gap is going to be something so cherished and expected by Millennials that they're going to create devices that will deform and mutilate their daughters as they grow to force a thigh gap on them. Like binding feet in China! Hmm. If it's something that's probably going to happen anyway, maybe I should invent the device! And sell it to Suzanne Somers to sell during syndicated television programs! "The Thighgapper! Don't mind the screams of your dearest child! That only indicates she's going to be hot!"

It looks like Justice League United has their first mission! Destroy the Canadian Wampa: the White Dago! Those First Nations people are racist!

Also Justice League United has their second mission: locate Hawkman's corpse! For some reason, Hawkman and Green Arrow are still using their JLA Beepers and Green Arrow has received a warning that Hawkman's corpse is in trouble. For some reason, Justice League America was still using beeper technology.

Martian Manhunter splits the team into two groups. Green Arrow, Animal Man, Stargirl, and Supergirl will go into space to find Hawkman's corpse because you always want the people that love to bicker with each other on the same team. In Canada, Alanna Strange, Mii, and Heather will hunt the Whitago. Martian Manhunter is stuck babysitting Ace Ultra. Unless he's going to help with the Yeti (which he probably should since I don't think Heather is really going to be much help unless they need photos of the encounter to put up on the Justice League United Instagram account).

I smell an 80s sitcom in the works! No, seriously though. Why did 80s sitcoms smell so bad?

Miiyahbin goes off to ask her Grandmother about this whole Keewhatin/Whitago business. Her grandmother pretends to tell her the truth but actually just tells her the plot to Star Wars.

Well, I guess it's time to strike down your father in anger!

Mii goes off to confront her father-monster to save Canada! Since it's winter, she has ice powers. I guess in spring she has flower powers and in summer she has heat powers and in fall she has lazy Sunday powers.

Mii meets the Whitago and defeats it by not being scared. It changes back into her father and he's all, "Really? That's it? That was the power of darkness? Why the fuck did I cross over to the bad side?! I thought I was going to be filled with all consuming power?! Stupid lying dark side!" Then he dissipates and floats away to join his ghostly relatives and friends so they can stand around watching the Ewoks party.

Meanwhile, Martian Manhunter teaches one week old Ultra how to speak while babysitting him. That's some babysitter! But then, as usually happens in a story about babysitting but rarely ever happens in actual real babysitting, a man from the future crashes through the ceiling claiming that the baby has to die or one of an infinite amount of futures will be destroyed. Who fucking cares? What's so special about your future, Mon-el?! Get the fuck out and stop trying to wipe out infinity minus one futures by killing Ace Ultra! Selfish prick.

Justice League United #5 Rating: Goddammit! I thought the Legion of Super-heroes were wiped out of existence! No fair that they get to continue to exist in a possible future to come back in time to ensure that their possible future winds up existing! How about billions of other sentient creatures suddenly appear to try to save their futures which Mon-el is going to wipe out?! How about that, Jeff Lemire?! Oh, I forgot to give a ranking because I was so upset! Um, how about -2 Rankings simply because of the stupid time travel story that's about to begin? Also, it might not be stupid but I'm just playing the odds!