Batman Eternal #26

Oh Red Hood! Batman has had more influence on you than all of the other Bat-children. The only reason you wield two guns is to show how rebellious you are!

For some reason, the Bat Family cares about Batman again! Why? I don't know! Slumber parties at Wayne Manor? You know the kind! The ones where boys and girls mix but they're not quite old enough to want to engage in any kind of sexual behaviour but they still like to lie close to each other, both pretending to sleep, until maybe somebody's arm touches somebody else's leg and they lie there for five hours feeling like their crotches are going to explode! I'm specifically talking about Dick and Babs, of course. Tim Drake was pretending he knew Bruce Wayne was Batman all along and Jason Todd was probably passed out from breaking into the liquor cabinet. Unless these slumber parties took place after Jason Todd was murdered. Those slumber parties were filled with games of "Pin the Crowbar on the Robin" and "Light as a Feather, Stiff as Jason Todd."

Actually, this issue begins with the Bat Family not caring about Batman as much as I thought! They've once again bonded over the need to know what Batman is hiding from them. Once before, they told Bruce "no secrets" and he agreed even though there was that one secret about Dick not being dead but you can't count that one since it was a secret before the "no secret" agreement. But now Red Robin thinks he can waltz into the Batcave at any moment and declare "No secretsies!" and Bruce has to come clean.

Scott Lobdell would probably rewrite this with a ton of Tim Drake Narration Boxes where he thinks, "Now's the part where Bruce tells us all that Hush is behind it. Does he think we're stupid?"

There was a time when I would read a Batman story and I would think every villain he encountered was a challenge. But that was before every villain he encountered was hellbent on breaking Batman. Now every time some villain comes along that's rocking Bruce's world, I just think, "Really? Hush? Why is he so scary?" Or "The Riddler? A guy that tells stupid jokes?" Or "How does The Joker pull off such intricate plans? He's a nutjob!" I think the main thing the Reboot got wrong was that it didn't deescalate the threats to the heroes! Every fucking thing they face is practically the end of the world, if not the omniverse itself!

Also, I can't remember reading any major stories with Hush so he doesn't feel like much of a threat. He just feels like a kid throwing a huge tantrum.

Thanks for asking the only questions that matter, Penny-Two! Especially since I'm incapable of being constructive. I'm better at the other one. The opposite of constructive!

Now is when Bruce tells Julia that Hush is some asshole named Tommy that, strangely enough, led a life that closely mirrored Bruce's. But Tommy turned into a huge dick while Bruce Wayne turned into an obsessive, emotionally closed off asshole who is also a vigilante.

Bruce tells the story of his friendship with Tommy at a young age and it turns out Tommy's life only mirrored Bruce's because Tommy forced his life to mirror Bruce's. Basically it was a tantrum because Bruce's family was important and worth a lot of money and Tommy's family was a disgrace and broke which made Tommy want what Bruce had especially since Bruce didn't seem to want it. Or Tommy just wanted a neat butler with a cool accent that made delicious waffles.

Watch the "Master Bruce" shit, Penny-Two! You're in public and he's in costume!

Jesus Christ. The fact that Lex Luthor is the only person to figure out that Bruce Wayne is The Batman says less about how smart Lex is and more about how fucking stupid the rest of the DC Universe is. Except re-imagined Secret Origins' Tim Drake, of course! That story was a close save, returning Tim Drake to the Preboot genius he was always meant to be!

I'm not a fan of the art in this issue. The bandages stuck all over Bruce Wayne just look like slugs crawling all over his skin. And Bruce himself looks like an over the hill boxer. And The Joker's Daughter on the last page looks like a Garbage Pail Kid. And Alfred, having been transferred to Arkham Asylum to wait on Maxie Zeus, looks like an overweight business man that just woke up after a weekend bender that turned into a thirty-six hour long lemon party.

Batman Eternal #26 Rating: -2 Ranking. Didn't Scott Snyder already write this story except with The Joker playing all the parts? A villain that knows Batman's secrets. Alfred drugged and kidnapped. The Bat-Family worried that Batman has lost control of the city and probably gave away all of their secrets. Oh, sure! A lot more is happening in this than in Death in the Family but I can't help but notice, just under the surface, it's the same fucking story. Maybe I'm just being overly critical right now! It's not like The Ten-Eyed Man made an appearance in Death of the Family! Also, we're twenty-six issues in and not one appearance of Bat-Cow or Titus! Well, maybe Titus. I can't remember. But I don't think so! And definitely no Alfred the Cat!