Monday, October 20, 2014

Earth 2 #27

The tombstone should read "Husband/Father/Hero." Of course Bruce was somebody's son! The grave should at least acknowledge Selina!

This issue begins like it's trying to be Worlds' Finest because Worlds' Finest has been co-opted by Batman and Superman because DC needs more books starring those idiots. And since Earth 2 spent this week in a double sized issue of World's End, it seems like Worlds' Finest starring The Huntress and Power Girl might as well take over this comic book this month. It works for me!

For a few pages, we get to see some flashbacks to Kara and Helena's past. It feels like a Sailor Moon movie. Except instead of Tuxedo Mask giving the little, lost alien boy a flower, Kara gives the little, lost alien boy an action figure. And instead of everybody remembering how Usagi treated them kindly, Thomas Wayne hangs a mugger from a street light, Spider-man-style. But it's all the same kind of feels, anyway. Hel and Kara love each other. Replacement Grandfather protects his granddaughter. Val-el makes a best friend for life when Kara lies to him and tells him that her parents are dead. Unless they did die while Krypton was still healthy! I guess Krypton-2 had a different history than the Regular Old Krypton. Why wouldn't it when Earth-2's history is so different? Like Thomas Wayne still being alive!

She was never alone in this world! As soon as her dad died, she switched worlds!

Replacement Batman confides in Helena immediately that he uses Earth-2 Viagra to be a decent Batman. He only tells her because, being a Bat-child and thus very observant, she noticed how he "wilted" after the fight. Maybe Replacement Batman needs a tighter set of drawers.

Power Girl and Val-el and Replacement Batman and The Huntress and Tornado Lane find themselves battling some creatures from Apokolips that seem to have been made up just for this bullshit issue of Earth-2. Yes, I'm calling it bullshit now because I took a break and now I'm in a bad mood. A foul mood! A horrendous mood! No wait! An horrendous mood! I forgot to be pretentious!

Okay, so I really don't know a lot about Apokolips and The Fourth World and The New Gods, so maybe these are standard Apokoliptian devil spawn! The only thing I really know about Darkseid is that if you shine a light in his head, his eyes glow simulating his Omega Beams! The only thing I know about Steppenwolf is that he came with an electro-axe connected to a backpack by a string which made him the best figure to use when playing Hot Lava with them in my grandparent's enormous backyard.

Power Girl and her Preschool kissy-baby lover-boy, Val-el, fly around the CERN atom smasher a few times and then slam into each other. They create a new particle called "BRAKATHOOMM." Also, Power Girl is probably now pregnant. The blast destroys all of the Apokoliptian Devil Spawn being that it was equivalent to the explosion of a neutron bomb.

But it stays in the tunnel thanks to Replacement Batman's quick thinking! And his Earth-2 Viagra!

And everybody lived happily ever after! Or would have if they hadn't all signed on to be a part of a comic book called "World's End." Idiots.

Earth 2 #27 Rating: No change. The plot of this issue was stupid because it was really about something other than smashing Apokoliptian Devil Spawn. It had something to do with abstract ideas that I just don't understand. Like family and friendship and love. What's so important about fictional ideas like those? I just want to see two women kiss! I suppose if Hollywood could find two guys that could actually make kissing look sexy, I'd watch two guys kiss as well. Women really enjoy kissing! So two women kissing is sexy! But guys are always distracted when they kiss. You can tell they're already thinking about where their penis is going to go while they kiss. Thus, crappy kissing! I think Val-el and Power Girl having sex in a super collider got me all distracted!

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