Friday, October 24, 2014

Worlds' Finest #27

Yay! Just what DC's fans have been clamoring for! Another comic book starring Batman and Superman!

Do I really care about the secret history of Earth-2? Maybe if it's all the blood of Charlemagne lizard people and rampant chupacabras, sure! But if it's "Thomas Wayne didn't die in that alley!" and "Superman wasn't the only Superbaby!", I'm not so sure I'm interested. Why can't this be a Man-Thing/Howard the Duck team up?

Hey Marvel and DC! Get your stupid act together and realize that you should be publishing one monthly comic book that mixes your stupid universes. Just tell the lawyers to fuck off and stop trying to stifle everybody's fun. If you have to, just publish it with characters with slightly different names followed by "wink wink" in parentheses. So you'd have Badgerine (wink wink!) and Uberman (wink wink) and Amazing Woman (wink wink plus a nudge nudge) and Arachnid-dude (wink wink) and The Ostentatious Ignoramus (you know, the Hulk! Wink wink!). What's wrong with Marvel and DC? Do they hate money?

This issue begins with Tornado Lane believing that Earth-2 is so fucking special that all of its history and art and knowledge and sexual positions need to be recorded and preserved so that maybe, sometime in the far future when nobody will give a shit about ancient happenings, a society will take up her digital recordings and say, "How am I supposed to access this data in this antiquated storage device?" No wait. What Lois hopes will happen is that they will "rebuild their world if possible." Who is going to want to rebuild an ancient world that doesn't fucking matter anymore? I think the future will be more interested in naked selfies of your robot circuitry than the history of Batman and Superman. So come on, Lois! Remove the metal carapace and show me your chips!

Tornado Lane begins her historical account with the early years of Clark Kent. Who's that? Perhaps she should begin by telling the future that he was Superman! She's assuming her audience knows an awful lot.

"Know this, Future Generations: Superman's father was a huge failure."

While little baby Clark was rocketing to Earth filling his space capsule with loads of green baby turds, Thomas Wayne was busy telling Frankie Falcone that he and Martha are done attending his key parties. But he's Frankie Falcone, baby! If he wants to fuck something, he's going to fuck it! Nobody says "Get your dick out of my face!" to Frankie Falcone! Well, nobody but Thomas Wayne. But he would pay for that transgression! In an alley! Behind a theater! After watching The Mask of Zorro! Um, probably. It happens like that on every Earth, right?

Since Thomas won't play pee-pee games with Falcone anymore, Falcone needs a favor from Thomas Wayne so that Frankie can find someone that can't say no to his fat dick.

Oh yeah. Frankie's gonna get himself a gay baby!

Meanwhile on Krypton, Intri of Apokolips arrives to make Jor-el an offer he'll probably refuse because it's probably about his baby and Darkseid's cock.

There's an awful lot of infant pedophilia happening so far in the secret history of Earth-2.

I'm getting the feeling that Tornado Lane isn't recording the secret history of Earth-2. I think she's just writing her own wank book. A filthy, disgusting, immoral wank book that I completely and totally don't approve of at all! Except I have to admit that it should be published because I'm against censorship even if the material that is being censored involves people having sex with infants. I, for one, would never create horrible material like that! Can you even imagine reading something so ethically disgusting? Baby Alan Scott lying in the crib with a come hither giggle, naked, drooling, and seductive lying in its own filth, while a man...Ugh! So gross! How dare you, Tornado Lane, put those thoughts in anybody's mind! Shame on you, Lois! Shame!

Anyway, Jor-el sends Clark, Kara, Val, and a mystery baby away from Krypton so they could avoid dying and/or being molested.

Yeah! Although the children are being sent to the world with that other monster, Frankie Falcone, on it. So they still might wind up with severe trauma.

Thomas beats down Frankie Falcone which may or may not come back to haunt him later. I guess it depends on whether or not the mugger that kills his wife was a random mugging or a hit put out by Frankie. Will Tornado Lane uncover the truth to that story? You know what? I don't really fucking care. Why am I, once again, rereading Batman and Superman origin stories?! I've had it to the end of my cock with these fucking stories no matter what kind of twist DC puts on them! And I'm talking about my erect cock and not my flaccid cock! So that's like a whole bunch of more inches or centimeters or something worth of exhausted with these stories! Batman and Superman are so over!

Worlds' Finest #27 Rating: -4 Ranking. DC Comics has done a disservice to this title by losing the story of female friendship that had shaped it up until this point. I'm really not interested in a story about Earth-2 Superman and Batman! We already know the end of that story! They die! Oh, sure. Maybe it'll wind up being entertaining and interesting how all the Soon To Be Justice Society Babies' lives will be intricately tied up with one another. But it had better get really interesting really quickly or I'm going to rant and rave and lose my mind every time I have to read this stupid fucking comic book! Or forget making Earth-2's Super Babies interesting and just give me back Huntress and Power Girl, you jerks!

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