Friday, October 24, 2014

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #12

Should Strife be hated or admired because she's good at her job?

How does the God of Ineptitude do his job? Doesn't he have to be the embodiment of ineptitude? So how does he make anybody inept if he's no good at his job?! I suppose he could be like that guy Schleprock on The Flintstones and he just strolls around town infecting everybody with his ineptness. What about the God of Impotence? Poor guy couldn't make any demi-gods!

Anyway, Superman is back from, supposedly, a black hole. But I'm not buying that! This might be a comic book but that doesn't mean it can posit completely ridiculous situations! Returning from a Black Hole is something they would have done on Perfect Strangers or The Brady Kids! I thought comic books wanted to be thought of as serious art? Well, you're not going to get any overly serious who-wants-to-hang-around-them-anyways assholes as comic book fans with plots like "Superman survives flying into a black hole!"

Now I have to look up that word! If it's not a real word, I'm going to be pissed that I exerted myself for no reason.

Oh wait! I get it! It's the transformation of a metaphor! I thought maybe it had something to do with the changing hormones of super heroes. Like maybe Wonder Woman was going through the change.

Speaking of The Change, does anybody know if it's okay for a guy to excessively touch his wife's hormone cubes which she takes for her menopause? I'm asking for Doom Bunny because he might be going through a change himself by the way he's constantly fiddling with his wife's cubes of hormones.

Wonder Woman was hanging out in Wembley Stadium because she needed to kick Giganta's ass. I don't know why Giganta was invading a soccer game. I suppose she had nothing better to do after Pandora's comic book was cancelled. Although I'm sure she'll get her job back when The Trinity of Sin begins later this month (actually which began already but I'm nowhere close to reading it yet!).

Earlier in the series, Superman gave Wonder Woman a flower from one of the creatures in his menagerie. I can't believe I didn't say how irresponsible and dangerous that was back in Issue #1! I was really off my game that day! Or I was concentrating on making a stupid joke that even I didn't understand when I reread the commentary later. But I should have been suspicious because as Wonder Woman was off fighting things and beating up The First Born and kicking Superdoomiac's ass, the flower turned into a betentacled zippered handbag. It sure is cute! I guess it had to grow its own form of locomotion since Wonder Woman forgot to oil it for months.

Why is Superman suddenly so touchy-feely? I think he got a taste for black holes! Wink wink! Nudge nudge!

Wonder Woman and Superman are immediately greeted by Wonder Woman's out of control flower as they walk in the door.

"...a zippered vagina?" No, seriously. Is that what a vagina looks like?

Audrey III runs away to guzzle gasoline while Superman and Wonder Woman give chase. She escapes into a gas pipeline which is when Superman reveals that the creature is Kryptonian. So he should have known that this would happen! You don't give somebody as busy as Wonder Woman a plant that needs oil on a regular basis or else it will turn into a rampaging monster! And yet, Superman blames Wonder Woman for forgetting to oil his thoughtless gift.

It's at this moment that Wonder Woman remembers she saw Strife on the cover and flies off to beat the fuck out of her.

Superman flies to Louisiana to see if the Swamp Thing can calm down Audrey III. Sheesh. Like every plant just automatically knows every other plant! No wonder Swamp Thing can't stand people. Superman explains how the flower is going to eat up all the oil and send the world back to the dark ages and Swamp Thing says, "Really? That's your argument to get me to stop it?"

But Wonder Woman arrives in time to explain that, as The God of War, she would be forced to send the world into a huge world war if Swamp Thing didn't help. She explains it as if the humans would be behind it themselves due to the chaos of a world changing so drastically but she's the God of War! Take some responsibility for your actions sometime, Diana!

Swamp Thing learns to speak Kryptonian, gets Audrey III to stop sucking down oil, and convinces her to come back to Louisiana to suck down something else. Probably Sweet Tea.

Actually, Superman convinces Wonder Woman to keep the stupid plant in her apartment because he's an asshole. Just accept that your gift sucked and take it back, you jerk! Don't put the onus on Wonder Woman to keep London safe from this stupid plant that shouldn't be out of the Fortress of Solitude even if it wasn't dangerous. You've heard of invasive species, right Superman?! This plant could already have dropped spores all over London! If that's the case, it's all over! I don't think Swamp Thing is going to be your little bitch boy every time these plants get out of control. Not that I don't think Wonder Woman isn't responsible enough to care for it! But she shouldn't have to be responsible! Just give her a gift card to Torrent!

So what was the metamorphic flower a metaphor for? Wonder Woman's angry love making? Superman's inability to give decent gifts? Wonder Woman's insatiable desire for lubricant? Superman's Kryptonian need to feed off of Earth's culture at the expense of Earth itself?! The flower was the metaphor, right? And aren't flowers always metaphors for vaginas?! This one even looked like a vagina! And it was angry! And it wanted oil! OH! So it is about Wonder Woman's need for lubricant to combat the generous amount of friction Superman is capable of making during the hokey poke-it!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #12 Rating: No change. This was a fitting last issue for Charles Soule. Unless it wasn't his last issue. But I think it was his last issue. Stupid Marvel offering him buttloads of cash to only write for them. At least I'll still have She-Hulk!

No comments:

Post a Comment