Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Batman and Robin #35

Why is Batman standing in Kalibak's toilet?

So this reporter on 60 Minutes last Sunday was being a real fucking douchebag to a scientist that was just trying to cure hereditary conditions using genome therapy. But she didn't give a shit about that aspect of the story. She kept grilling him about how this technology is going to be used irresponsibly. "When are you going to use it for superficial changes? I know you will! You're a business! You're going to do it. Just tell me when you're going to do it. Tell me when you're going to play God." But he just kept repeating to this asshole that he's only interested in using the technology for the purposes he already explained to her and that while the technology was under his control, it wouldn't be used to produce made to order babies for super controlling parents.

By the way, why attack the scientist? If this technology exists, people are going to use it however they can. Attack the asshole parents that are going to insist on a straight son with no physical handicaps with blond hair and blue eyes and make sure he's over six feet tall and can you program him to love me and want to be the high school quarterback?! Parents try to force their kids to be what they want them to be after they're born; just imagine how many are going to want to pre-program their children to be exact duplicates of themselves? Leave the scientist alone! He's trying to do good shit! And even if he eventually decides to take money from some control freak parents to produce a baby to their exact specifications, so what? This is America, dammit! And last I checked, we're a capitalist country! So don't tell people that they can't make custom babies just because it weirds you out a little bit!

While I'm pissed off at 60 Minutes because it pretends to be above bullshit journalism but it really only deals in feel good human interest stories, how about we all stop accusing science of "playing God." God isn't a thing! Science is science! And science can do whatever scientists can get it to do and guess what? They're never playing God! They're playing scientist! How come nobody ever accuses parents of playing God? How dare you create life! That's God's job, you arrogant bastards!

Why doesn't somebody (a gathering of religious leaders from various religions, perhaps?) just come up with a list once and for all of things science should never be allowed to do because it would be "playing God." I think performing CPR is too much like what Jesus did for that Lazarus guy, so that should be out. Any resuscitation of any kind should be outlawed as "playing God." Once somebody dies, they're gone! Stop resurrecting people, doctors and scientists and part-time lifeguards! I think breeding dogs is too close to "playing God" as well. Stop with the creating new breeds of dogs, you bastards! You're going to bring God's wrath down on our heads! If he had wanted their to be Labradoodles, they would have been on the ark with Noah. Any kind of orgasm should be right out! No way in hell mankind should have the power to make people feel this good! That has to be a godly power.

There are probably a lot more (like mixing peanut butter with chocolate) but I'll be here all day thinking up things we should stop doing. There's just so many of them!

Um, anyway, Batman is currently on Apokolips looking for his dead, gay son. Whoops. Sorry. Lines from Heathers just constantly leak out of my head. Nothing I can do about it.

The lowlies of Apokolips have one, brief moment of joy as Batman murders their parademon captors.

While Batman searches for Godfrey, the man that stole his son's corpse and once told Earth that super heroes were assholes, Alfred finally does a job I've been asking to see for nearly a year! Peter J. Tomasi must have finally heard my complaints.

Even if Damian hadn't been killed, Alfred always knew this would eventually be his job.

Jason Todd, Barbara Gordon, and Tim Drake return because they thought maybe they heard Dick's voice just now? Wasn't that Dick? Also, they were hoping to catch Batman before he left to make sure he understood what they meant by no secrets. Does he know what a secret is? Does he know what the word "no" means? Also, they've decided that they should get to go to Apokolips too. How come Batman's the only one that gets to risk his life around here?

I like to believe that "Batmam" is not a typo. So cheeky, Batgirl!

The Bat Kids enjoy some time with Damian's pets while they think up a way to convince Cyborg to BOOM Tube them to Apokolips. Alfred suggests they use Batman's secret Cyborg weapon against Cyborg (or, being that this is Alfred we're talking about, he's just giving it to the Bat Kids to trade it to Cyborg for safe passage). I would just approach Cyborg and say, "Dude! It'd totes rock to take an awesome trip to Apokolips! Let's YOLO this shit, motherfucker! Teens rock!" And Cyborg will be all, "Oh yeah! That's right! I'm practically just a kid too! I forget being that I'm on this totally grown up league and not that little pissant bullshit Teen Titans group! No offense, Tim!" And Tim would be, "Totally offended, dude! Asshole! Metal dick!" And Cyborg will be all, "Not cool! Hey! Want to play some Yu-Gi-Oh later?" And Tim will be all, "Shut the front door! Hells yeah!" And Cyborg will be all, "Tubular! Cat's pajamas! Groovy! Hip to the lingo, buddy-o?!" And Batgirl will be all, "Shaw! Like, gag me with a spoon, all right?" And Jason Todd will be all, "Pip pip!" And Alfred will be all, "Get the fuck out of the cave and go save your father figure already, you dumb cunts!"

I hope I got the teen speak down! I've been taking an online course called "Scott Lobdell Teaches Older Than Fuck People How To Write Realistic Teenagers." I hope I got my money's worth!

But Alfred won't let the kids leave until they've talked to Batwoman to make sure she's protecting the city and not too busy with her lesbian stuff.

Why isn't Tomasi writing all of the Bat Books?!

Meanwhile on Apokolips, it looks like Darkseid has been out for the count ever since the Justice League kicked his ass five or six or seven years ago. Kalibak is in charge of things which must be why nobody has noticed Highfather getting up to no good looking for the Life Equation over in the universe that kicked Kalibak's dad's ass. Kalibak believes the Chaos Crystals Godfrey brought back to Earth will help restore Darkseid to power. But he doesn't realize that the Jeezly Crow Batman is right around the corner!

I only scanned this picture because Alfred and Batcow have not been in enough comics since they were introduced.

Instead of being honest with Cyborg and making friends with him since they're all about the same age, they decide to trick and betray him, ensuring that he'll never feel comfortable around them again. Fucking white assholes. I hope Cyborg kicks each of their asses in their own titles in the next few months.

Maybe next time, feel bad before frying his brains. And then approach him for his help in a friendly manner with lots and lots of hot dogs and root beer.

The Bat Kids suit up in Robin outfits and then Batgirl finishes molesting Cyborg. He BOOOMS and the kids are off to Apokolips! But before they can leave, Cyborg wakes up and charges into the tube after them! Titus hitches a ride on Cyborg's ankle as well. I had a feeling Titus would make the trip. Poor Alfred Pennyworth Cat and Batcow. They never get to go anywhere.

Currently on Apokolips, Batman has finally battled his way to confront Godfrey.

Hey! I said "pissant" earlier too!

Is it just a coincidence that "pissant" and "puissant" are basically antonyms?

During the confrontation with Godfrey, Batman makes it clear that he hasn't been murdering Godfrey's Justifiers. But he still might have been killing the parademons, right? Didn't the Justice League determine it was okay to kill them? Bah, I suppose even if Batman just incapacitated them, Red Hood is right on his heels probably putting bullets in everything's brains.

When Cyborg and Titus arrive just after the Bat Kids, Cyborg says, "Fuck you, dicks. Now let's go save Batman!" And Batgirl is all, "It was Red Hood's idea! He's a huge racist!"

And then Kalibak fires the newly armed Robin Death Beam, blowing up some planet full of people that have never mattered. Unless Grant Morrison decides to write a story from the doomed planet people's point of view that is full of weirdness and angst and more weirdness and some stuff that seems to make sense but probably doesn't but god forbid anybody admits to not understanding the story and looking like a right arsehole.

Batman and Robin #35 Rating: +1 Ranking! Except Batman and Robin is already my favorite comic book. Except it's not my favorite comic book! It just somehow wound up in the #1 spot! I think my favorite comic book is Swamp Thing. Unless it's Red Lanterns. No wait! It's probably...um, no, that's about it. My real favorites were all cancelled ages ago. I MISS YOU ETRIGAN!


  1. I know this is pretty old and all but i just found it, but you are one of my new favorite people.

    1. Thank you, Cat Ninja. You have the best taste.