Wonder Woman #34

Seriously, DC Comics? This is the worst Monster Month Variant yet! Misogyny!

Wonder Woman's monthly is late! I blame Cliff Chiang! But who can stay mad at Cliff Chiang? He can take as much time as needed so I don't have to look at Goran Sudzuka's sub-par imitations of his work!

Now I feel bad because Goran Sudzuka's work is anything but sub-par, especially when Goran is trying to maintain the look of this comic book. I, for one, appreciate when an artist decides that the consistent look of a book is worth more than their individuality. Tony Akins should be commended as well on his work on this book. Cliff Chiang brought a truly distinct look to this comic book that modern readers don't see very often and I loved it from the first cover of Issue #1. And I've probably shoved my tongue up Chiang's ass on dozens of occasions, so let me give some of that tongue love to Goran Sudzuka and Tony Akins now. Thank you for maintaining the look on this book and trying your best to rival Cliff Chiang's cocky-ass work. All the artists on this book have just done a great job. I figure I should say that now before the book takes a huge nose dive into Shitsville (I think that's a trademark of Zynga) with the upcoming change in creators.

I should probably also thank the editors because I'm sure they had a hand in maintaining the consistently beautiful look of this comic book but fuck them. They're editors! Editors are the worst!

This is what was happening when the last issue left off two or three months ago.

Wonder Woman has been stabbed in the kidney up on Mount Olympus with the only person left to help her being Strife. So she's fucked. Except her name is on the cover of the comic book, so it'll probably all work out. Although Diana would probably be better off dying than being drawn by David Finch. Every time I read it, I'm going to be wondering, "Is this Wonder Girl? Why is Wonder Girl in this? What happened to Wonder Woman?!"

Zola is still trying to protect Zeke because she's the only one that didn't immediately realize Zeke was Zeus.

Hera is no longer pouting because her immortality was returned to her when Apollo was killed. Now she's back to not caring about anything but herself.

And Strife is celebrating because Wonder Woman has failed. But Wonder Woman has a plan to shit all over that party.

I guess Strife is hardwired to prevent peace. Gods tend to have less free will than mortals. That's what happens when your name is also your job and your motive for everything you do.

Wesley Willis still hasn't saved everybody but I'm sure it's coming soon.

Oh shit! Look at that! He was just two pages away!

Have I mentioned I've seen Wesley Willis perform before? Of course I have! Why wouldn't I have mentioned that every time he appeared in this comic book! And also in my commentary for Grifter #1 where I wrote my own Wesley Willis song! And every time I meet a person for the first time, I say, "Hello, asshole. I am Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. I once saw Wesley Willis perform in a small club in Portland, Oregon. He sang about his roommate fucking him in the ass. I did not head butt him at all."

Wesley only saves Orion and Moon for now. He also mentions how he's going to whoop The First Born's ass like Saddam Hussein. I really wish he would have said he'd whoop The First Born's ass like he whooped Batman's ass.

Strife brings Diana back to Paradise Island where the whole gang can be reunited. Also where Diana almost calls Strife a bitch so that long time Wonder Woman fans can gasp in horror. You know, if any are even left after Issue #7.

Throughout this series, Strife and Wonder Woman have constantly been at each others' throats. I'm pleased that Hippolyta says, "It's in strife that Amazon mettle is honed." It shows that Strife always had her proper place in Wonder Woman's group even though she was so antagonistic towards them. And Strife always seemed to help out even when she was trying to undercut their plans.

Thank the New Gods for their miracle New God technology that falls from BOOM Tubes at just the right moment! Somebody should think up a clever way to say that!

Hephaestus and Dio arrive on the backs of steampunk, two-tusked mûmakil. Oh, maybe they're just elephants! But elephants with flails on their trunks! And Gatling guns for tusks! And lasers for buttholes! But that's just the final battle against The First Born and that's less important than what's happening with Zola and Zeke.

Cassandra has gone after Zola and Zeke because she didn't realize that Hera was actually going to form some kind of attachment to the woman and her child. Hera protects Zola from Cassandra long enough for Diana to arrive in time to protect Cassandra from Hera. And then it's off to Olympus to fulfill the prophecy Apollo's back-up singers prophesied way back in the first issue. And maybe also First Born #1?

Once in Olympus, before Zeke can take (retake?) the throne, Poseidon appears to block the way. So one last obstacle for one last issue before Zeus is restored and everything goes back to normal and Wonder Woman can begin battling Circe or something in Issue #36.

Wonder Woman #34 Rating: No change. I've enjoyed this entire series so far although you have to admit that it isn't really much about Diana. It's more of a comparison and contrast sort of thing. Seeing who Diana has become due to and in spite of the influences she's had in her life. And throughout the series, we've seen how she's been able to influence those influences to question themselves and to become better people. Although I have a feeling her desegregation policy for Paradise Island won't stand the test of time. Or, you know, future writers on this book.