Justice League #34

Meet your Early Autumn 2014 Justice League! *Are You Ready For This begins playing*

Ten members of the Justice League and only 1/2 of one of them is black? That's fucked up, DC. At least Power Ring has upped the female to male ratio to "not even close to adequate." It's also upped the number of members deemed way too dangerous to be on the team to three! I think Batman needs to perfect his interview process. Currently it amounts to this:

Batman: "Everybody who knows my secret identity, you're hired!"

Although for a guy worried about his secret identity getting out, what was he thinking telling Green Lantern his real identity when he first met him during the invasion of Darkseid? No wonder the Bat-Family was so concerned that he told The Joker their secrets. Which he actually did! Kind of! You know, that one time he visited him in Arkham as Bruce Wayne! Batman is an asshole.

Captain Cold has taken a job with Lexcorps as some kind of head of security or threat assessment manager or something. Also, he sleeps in his glasses. Also also, he thinks he's smarter than Lex Luthor.

Oh Leonard. Too bad The Calculator wasn't a Rogue. He'd help you do the math. About three and a half billion people are smarter than you, Lenny. And only one of those people is smarter than Lex Luthor. It's Niles Caulder, by the way.

This issue is the epilogue to "Injustice League" which was the story of Lex, Power Ring, and Captain Cold joining the Justice League. It was also the story of The Doom Patrol but since their story involved so much abuse at the hands of that asshole Niles Caulder, it wasn't worth mentioning in the title.

This issue begins with unlikely teammates Superman and Lex Luthor battling a lactating Grodd.

Gross.

Lex, being the smartest person on Earth, begins committing logical fallacies all over the place. Superman, being the dopiest guy on Earth, begins spouting trite cliches he probably heard Ma use every weekend.

Ma Kent: "Why son, if I had a nickel for every time you locked that bathroom door saying you were reading only to have to get Pa to fix what looked like a shotgun blast in the sheet rock, I'd be richer than a possum's lawyer on Labor Day."

While Lex and Supes bicker, Grodd coughs up semen and lactates. He probably just got done masturbating into his own mouth because, even though he's sentient, he's still a Goddamned ape!

Not that apes are the only creatures that masturbate into their own mouths!

I wonder if Salmon try to spawn on their friends? Imagine spending one of your final acts on Earth spraying your best friend in the face with your semen. Leave this earth on a hearty belly laugh!

Stop thinking about Batman and how rich he is! You're fighting a telepath, jerko!

Here I've been calling Lex Luthor the smartest man on Earth and he doesn't understand Batman's role on the Justice League? Batman plays the most important role of all! He plays the part of the angry, silent father that everybody tiptoes around because they're afraid he's going to blow up and start beating everyone with a two by four! I think that's important to promote ambition and to keep members of the team focused! Unless the most important role is played by Superman. That's the role of the loving, inclusive mother that makes sure all of her children feel special and capable of going out into the world and doing whatever they want. Wonder Woman plays the role of older sister that nobody knows what to do with so she re-imagines herself every few years trying to find a personality that other people will flock to. Aquaman plays the role of Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch or Scrappy Doo from Scooby Doo or Sam from Diff'rent Strokes; a character that never needed to be added to the story and everybody hated except for contrarian assholes that have to point out how Aquaman is hyper-cool, thus ignoring his best and silliest aspects in favor of grimnity and strengthcity.

Superman decides to quote Albert Einstein because it's always impressive to be able to tell somebody what somebody else once said so that your opinion sounds important even though people would rather have your own honest opinion in your own words over some quote by some dead guy that is only known for having crazy hair and selling lots of posters to college kids of himself with his tongue stuck out.

I once interfaced with a ring that played havoc with my programming too! But that was college so it was well within the parameters of acceptable aberrant behavior!

Aberrant is a dangerous word to use! I bet I caused a lot of mouths to froth with that statement! But I wasn't using "aberrant" in a collective sense! I was using it in a personal sense! Like in "I did something that strayed from the pattern of behavior I had established in the previous twenty years of my life!" But nobody wants to hear that story! It's boring!

Okay, okay! I'll tell it! I realized that I'd been ordering my fast food meals all wrong! Onion rings over french fries was totally the way to go!

Ha ha! Oh, Arnold Drummond! What a cut-up!

While Cyborg thinks up a reason to quote B.A. Baracus next, The Flash informs Power Ring's host that she's in a shit bunch of trouble.

Fuck the Timbers!

Speaking of Sullivan's Gulch, there is a Fred Meyer in that location. It has two distinct entrances, one from Broadway that's probably the entrance most people not familiar with Sullivan's Gulch use and a side entrance near an overpass over I-84. If you were a dumb guy that wasn't very smart and mostly kind of dumb, you might think that there were two Fred Meyers in Sullivan's Gulch. But there aren't. There's just the one. So next time you're having Thanksgiving with your family, Mr. Hypothetical Guy, and you're thinking about telling a story involving the two different Fred Meyers located in Sullivan's Gulch, you might want to check out a map of the area first.

Jesus Christ, I'm such a patronizing dickhead sometimes! All the time? A good portion of the time!

Jessica the Host realizes she's found a Major Artifact that has a high ego and she doesn't have the strength to not give in to its will. Is there a place in the DC Universe where you can rent a Gollum to bite off ring fingers? Or--I should correct myself--middle fingers wearing power rings? Why do Lanterns always wear rings on their middle fingers? Maybe I haven't been as observant a I should be and only humans wear them on their middle fingers so they don't look like wedding rings purchased by a spouse with no taste. Although since nobody in the DC Universe is allowed to get married, the ring on the ring finger shouldn't cause any confusion. Hell, I don't even know what hand the wedding ring is supposed to be on!

Maybe DC artists just thought they could get away with having Lanterns flip people the bird by sticking it on the middle finger?

Jessica freaks out because Barry isn't the best guy in situations where people have to remain calm. Where's Batman when you need that angry, stoic, inaccessible father figure?!

Later (I guess it's later because Lex is not longer bothering Superman) Lex is bothering Wonder Woman.

Lex answers honestly by saying helping others is a means to a selfish end. Wasn't he paying attention when Superman quoted Einstein earlier?!

After this scene, the comic book has a double page advert for Gotham with lots and lots of rave, one word reviews with the web addresses of the sites that said those one words. Why didn't I rave about Gotham so that I could get some free press just by saying one word about Gotham! I could have done it without being a dick! Here are some quotes from Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea that DC can use in their next advertisement. These are also applicable to The Flash, Arrow, and Constantine (although I haven't seen Constantine yet. I'm sure they'll work. They're just a few words!).

"Watchable!"
"Comic books on the TV?! WHAT?!"
"Remember when James Gordon was in that show where they celebrated Chrismukkah? How dare those Jews take the 't' out of Christ!"
"I bet Selina Kyle is going to be hot when she's older! She's kind of hot now!"
"I bet Bruce Wayne is going to be hot when he's older! He's kind of hot now!"
"Why was that scientist keeping a monkey in a particle accelerator?!"
"It's a tv show! On TV!"
"The show would look better if Jim Lee first scribbled on all of the actors' faces."
"Remember when Harvey Bullock was in Grounded for Life? No? How about The Tao of Steve?"
"Why is Alfred Pennyworth such a stupid, stodgy, cock blockage?"
"I can't wait for Professor Pyg to appear so he can de-sex everything!"
"Where's The Joker? I want to see Baby Joker!"
"How dare you thinwash The Penguin!"
"Not enough blimps! Or spotlights!"
"Why didn't NBC announce John Constantine was bisexual in the first press release?! Fuck this show! How dare they not acknowledge his sexuality immediately! Fuck you, DC!"
"Looking for abdomen muscles? Look no further!" (That one would probably best be used for Arrow!)
"Why isn't this show called 'Captain Cold' for fuck's sake?!"

That's probably more than enough quotable quotes. Now I just have to sit back and reap the benefits! I wish my pal Sterling Gates would point his buddy Geoff Johns this way so he can pick which quote he likes best for his new shows!

Whoops! I completely interrupted a touching moment in the comic book with my need for fame!

Sometimes, I can't tell if I'm dead inside or I'm just immune to sappy bullshit.

What is wrong with the psychiatric community?! This is how you cure sociopaths! Third world children hug and flower therapy! Sociopaths will never not feel again after undergoing months and months of torturous, sappy bullshit!

Lex Luthor, after receiving his 63rd round of Flower/Hug Therapy: "Oh! I get it! I finally get it! She has too many flowers and she needed to wipe her hands on me!"

Batman and Superman plan to bust Lex Luthor for some trumped up charge simply because he does thing differently than they do. Sure, some of those things might be illegal and some might be dangerous to the populace at large and some might be inherently selfish and some might be plans to work with Owlman of the Crime Syndicate in exchange for getting him Superwoman's child...but I don't think any of those things are reasons to jump to the conclusion that he can't be trusted! The Justice League are a bunch of jerks.

Justice League #34 Rating: +4 Ranking. This series has had more misses than hits. But this month was delightful. Or maybe I just really entertained myself during the commentary. One of those.