Sunday, October 26, 2014

Futures End #24

Looks like Futures End Brainiac has collected the Preboot Universe.

Last issue, Ray Palmer ejaculated his getaway ship and the New Stormwatch climbed stickily on board to escape Brainiac World. But his ultimate escape plan relies on Black Adam to watch his back without changing sides or betraying him. It also relies on The Engineer fixing The Carrier which will only happen if The Engineer doesn't betray him and changes sides. Meanwhile, Frankenstein suffers from indigestion and Amethyst can't get the image of The Atom's penis out of her mind.

I've read Futures End #0 so I'm pretty sure this whole escape thing is futile and the New Stormwatch is about to join Team Brainiac whether they like it or not.

Well, they just lost Hawkman! His Nth Metal is now infected with Brainiac Simplex X.

Eventually everybody makes it back to the Carrier in one piece, including thousands of Brainiac drones. I wonder if each drone houses exactly one bit of random trivia? Every time Brainiac learns something new, he gives birth to another drone. That's why he enjoys collecting new species, pub trivia night, and enslaving worlds.

Back on Cadmus Island, Big Barda might be surprised to find Mister Miracle pitching woo with Fury.

They woo pitch differently on Apokolips.

Scott and Fury decide they're going to rid Cadmus Island of Brother Eye's influence. They can probably do it too! Especially if Green Arrow's army lands on the island to help out! And by "Green Arrow's army," I mean Big Barda.

Also, apparently Harley Quinn Annual #1 smells like pot.

Back at Columbia University, Tim Drake's ex, Madison, has been palling around with Jason Rusch's ex, Ronnie Raymond. It's nothing romantic or anything! They just need shoulders to cry on and a sexually non-threatening friend to confide in.

Unless I'm wrong and this is how Ronnie thinks heterosexuals do it.

Meanwhile in Africa, the center doesn't hold and the gyre widens and some horrible beast takes apart Constantine's friends, Tommy and Annika. But Superfarmer arrives before John can be killed because Constantine doesn't often die. Just the people that get close to him.

Speaking of John, I enjoyed his new television show. It went far more into horror than I thought it would and I hope it keeps that aspect of the show at the forefront. I think they told Matt Ryan, the actor who is playing Constantine, to tone down his accent because American audiences are fucking wimps when it comes to understanding any English spoken with a non-American accent. Or it could just be that Ryan has a natural Welsh accent and he's trying to change it up to whatever Constantine's accent actually is. Scouse? Cockney? Chutney?!

One thing's for sure though! Constantine better stay away from Pandora's Skull in that mill's basement! Put on Doctor Fate's mask, sure. But don't touch that stupid skull! Or wait! Maybe he should touch it since he's going to act more like New 52 Constantine being that he's on network television. Maybe if he fucks with the skull, he'll fix the universe and turn into good old Hellblazer Constantine! Then he'll be able to say cunt on network television!

Futures End #24 Rating: No change. Why is DC doing this comic book again? Is it just to get Terry McBatman into regular continuity?! Or is this their failsafe back to the Preboot universe? They'll keep this comic book running right up until the point that they think reverting back to the old universe will earn the company more money than they're currently making. At that point, Brainiac will flip some switch, causing his black hole to invert, spitting out his old Preboot collection and turning The New 52 universe into his new collection, safe and secure in his big black hole.

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