Friday, October 17, 2014

Batman Eternal #27

Catwoman's grip is a little too high.

I forget who the new, crazy receptionist is over at Arkham Asylum but she doesn't know how to use a chair. Which is a good thing because she's super sexy sitting on the floor with her business casual skuit (is that the proper name for a skirt suit?) that she shrunk in the laundry. Unless she's wearing a Halloween costume: Sexy Receptionist! I hope Batman fights her later. In a hot tub.

Underneath Arkham are some strange looking inmates that are probably trying to escape from The Joker's Daughter and/or Maxie Zeus's reign of insanity. Oh, I should have said "insane reign!"

These inmates are Coughtopus, The Rude Dinner Guest, and Speckles.

Killer Croc meets up with these inmates and mentions that they have something called "the black-infection." That sounds an awful lot like the reason my racist cousin-in-law gave for selling his house.

I don't use the term racist incorrectly, I don't think. If not racist, what would be the correct term for a person living in a suburban, cul-de-sac neighborhood with dozens of identical houses who sells their house at a loss when a black family moves in nearby? I suppose you could call him a reverse house flipper?

Batgirl, having discovered that her father was still in Blackgate even though she brought evidence that would exonerate him all the way back from South America, has decided that she needs to speak with Commissioner Jason Bard. I don't use the term speak incorrectly, I don't think! Speak means to pummel somebody to within an inch of their lives while they scream in agony, right?

Batman and Catwoman are fighting gangs together for some reason. They must have just met up by accident and Batman decided he needed Catwoman's help more than he needed to lecture her.

Catwoman can handle "most" anything thrown at her? Most? But not all? I think Batman just alluded to Catwoman not being able to handle his cock.

I also don't think Catwoman would have thought pole dancing classes were "a bitch." Is she saying that stripping is harder work than climbing buildings, running around rooftops, sneaking into museums, fighting maniacs, and flirting with Batman? Ridiculous.

Later at Gotham Child Services, there is a revelation that perhaps was revelated earlier but I missed it. Jade, the girl that Killer Croc has been trying to bring back into his people's fold, is a McKillabody. That means she's related to the new Two-Face!

Oh wait! I spoke too soon. Batman has decided Catwoman needs a lecture!

Batman is going to be so angry when Catwoman is finally running Gotham!

Batman, being a gigantic idiot, needs to believe that Catwoman is ultimately a good person who will wait for him until he's ready to settle down and have a Robin with her. But why would Catwoman want to be with a man who only wants her when she acts the way he needs her to act? Batman may be able, one day, to control Gotham so that everybody feels safe. But Catwoman isn't his fucking city.

I really want a monthly title called Batman Loves Catwoman where she has all the power because she just likes fucking him but he's completely in love with her and desperately trying to get her to change her ways. I want a Batman/Catwoman comic that shows Batman doesn't get everything he wants.

Or just continue to have Selina pining for a Batman that isn't emotionally dead inside.

Why is Catwoman bringing home a stray cat? Oh! It's CAT-woman! Not CATWO-man! Goddammit, Ann Nocenti! You've had the character wrong all this time!

Killer Croc realizes Dragos Ibanescu now has Jade McKillagain so he's hunting him. Meanwhile, Dragos has partnered with Mr. Boner to use Jade to lure Catwoman to them because they both want Catwoman dead. That means Dragos and Mr. Boner are probably going to be in the hospital soon and Catwoman will be taking most of their business for herself.

Penny-Two has yet to learn to keep her mouth shut when it comes to Catwoman the way Penny-One has, so she keeps asking Batman intensely personal questions that Batman thought he'd never have to answer again once he got all of the women out of his life. Why do women need to know so many details all of the time?! Can't they be happy with the still waters of a man's expression that give no indication of what he's feeling or thinking or if he's even alive? Why isn't a grunt enough of an answer whenever they ask how a man's day went? Jesus. Do men actually need to participate in relationships?! That's asking way too much.

To keep from answering questions about his relationship (which isn't really a relationship!) with Catwoman, Batman nearly kills a man named Flamingo by forcing him to crash his motorcycle. Even if Flamingo had died from his injuries, it wouldn't have been Batman's fault since Spoiler set up the entire thing just to leave a secret note to Batman.

I first read that as #buttwrecker.

The issue finishes up with Batgirl dropping Jason Bard from a great height (because you can't go wrong with a person falling to their deaths cliffhanger!) and Catwoman about to get a taste of the bat's boner. I mean, Mr. Boner's bat!

Batman Eternal #27 Rating: +1 Ranking. The art was better this issue although Catwoman's butt was wrecked in a few panels. #buttwrecker

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