Twat Lobo #1

Should I take a sharpie and add "Twat" to all of the Lobo covers?

When a comic book company is launching a new title, you assume they have plenty of time to come up with the perfect font for the title. Something that encapsulates the identity of the title character emblazoned across the front of their comic! Something that screams, "Do you love Lobo? Well then you'll love Lobo!" Or something. This title just looks like the graphic designer couldn't be bothered to put any time into it because she was headed off to lunch. It looks like a kindergartner wrote it and did that thing where they didn't realize they were going to run out of room so they had to make the letters progressively smaller. I'm surprised that last "O" isn't sideways down the right side of the cover. It also could have been designed by a junior high school boy on his Pee Chee folder in the middle of Algebra, adding hooks to make it look more metal. So in conclusion, I think this font design fits Twat Lobo perfectly well. It's all style with no substance. It's a logo that says, "Sorry. Not Sorry."

This might be the only time I'll ever say this but here it goes: "I wish Ann Nocenti were writing this comic book." Cullen Bunn's Sinestro has been a huge snoozefest so far. And even if this is Twat Lobo whom I hate with the hatred of eleven Biblical sons (who would later have to eat tons and tons of crow and probably even learn how to speak Egyptian) towards the twelfth, I still want this book to be entertaining. Maybe Cullen Bunn has the chops to pull it off. I don't know having only read his Sinestro comic book which, I think it bears repeating, is a huge snoozefest. If this were written by Ann Nocenti, at least I'd be entertained by how horribly written it was! Plus I hate Twat Lobo, so I would receive ample amounts of amusement from his being written poorly.

This first page loses a little something when you know Twat Lobo is talking to the decapitated head of Lobo™ due to DC Comics' earlier advertisements for the series.

So Cullen Bunn decides to dispense with the big battle between Twat Lobo and Lobo™ because...I don't know the because of that. Because too many people were looking forward to it? Because he didn't have a clever way of letting Twat Lobo beat the Lobo™ that everybody knows should win the fight? Because it's old history that has nothing to do with his run as a writer of Twat Lobo, so why give it any time? Because doing it this way makes Twat Lobo look like more of a bad-ass because he easily defeated Lobo™ in the negative space between comic books? I guess I don't really care since I hate the whole idea of Twat Lobo anyway.

I suppose Bunn will need to explain all of this eventually (and probably right here very soon in the first issue! To, you know, get it out of the way and all). My guess is that Czarnians have some ability to grow a whole new self from just a piece of their original selves (but probably not a whole new person from every drop of blood like in the Preboot days) and Lobo™ probably grew from Twat Lobo's detached penis or testicles which is why he's such a raging ball of testosterone. Then Lobo™ did all the stuff that we know Lobo™ did, like destroy all the Czarnians and befriend space dolphins and travel around the galaxy on a space hog with his dog and a few scattered penguins. Unless the Czarnians aren't all dead like Hawkman and Liefeld and some other comics would have us believe.

A scene from Titanic. I mean, Twat Lobo's boring origin.

Twat Lobo's dream or remembrance or whatever it is changes from Titanic to Day of the Dead as all the Czarnians melt into zombie plague monsters. Then he wakes up because you can't have all the mysteries solved in the first issue!

Twat Lobo makes a scared face proving he's not the real Lobo™.

After Twat Lobo shits himself from scary dreams, he gets paid a visit from Rhialla, the alien who supplies him with his kill contracts. This time she has an old standby plot ready to get him on his way! It's the old "Thirteen Ghosts of Scooby-Doo Special." Except replace "thirteen" with "eight" and "ghosts" with "assassins." Twat Lobo must kill eight of the universe's most deadly assassins before they can kill one target on Earth that they're all hunting. Rhialla pretends she doesn't know the target and that it doesn't matter. I have a feeling it is going to matter! Maybe the target is Supergirl because Twat Lobo has a history with her.

For hating someplace so vehemently, Twat Lobo sure utilizes a lot of its cliche similes. And, um, a lot of its words!

Twat Lobo begins his hunt with Gus, a mottled blue pornstached Cyclops-glasses wearing tentacle guy. I suppose the next few pages will be filled with lots of gore and "Sorry. Not Sorries."

I think that's a circumcision threat.

Twat Lobo kills a bunch of goons but then tries to surprise everybody by pointing out how he doesn't kill dogs. He also Narration Boxes a bunch of nonsense that reminds me that Sinestro is a huge snoozefest. Finally, he kills Gus and says his catchphrase which I've been waiting on the edge of pins and needles to hear! "Sorry. Not Sorry." So clever!

Remember, kids! If you ever want to make a list of human beings that suck at being human beings, just check the Twitter hashtag "sorrynotsorry". Every name that comes up is a worthless waste of oxygen sucking carbon.

The target is Florida? That's understandable.

I suppose Earth is the actual target so that must mean the Vogons have put up the money for the contract.

Twat Lobo #1 Rating: So far, it's gripped me as well as Sinestro gripped me. So if you want to read a comic book that you'll forget all about as soon as you put it down and were probably thinking about what you were going to do after reading the comic instead of actually paying attention to the comic while reading it, you should read Twat Lobo! Or Sinestro. Whatever.