Saturday, October 11, 2014

Green Lantern #35

I'm happy to be getting the Monsters of the Month variant covers for October but...WHY AM I GETTING VARIANT COVERS?!

I suppose I shouldn't be asking nobody the question about my Variant Covers. How are you lot of nobodies going to know the answer to it?! I should ask my comic book store owner, Peter, why I'm getting Variant Covers. But I'm not going to because I secretly like getting Variant Covers! Sure, they'll make my entire run of Green Lantern worthless because people will want the original covers for every issue if they're buying the entire run. But I don't have Issue #1 for most of The New 52 comics anyway, so my collection is already worthless! The best part about Variant Covers is that they're spoiler free! Unless Hal Jordan is going to somehow make yellow constructs that eat his own head in this issue.

Last issue was the Godhead issue about God's sucking on the genitals of other Gods. Unless it was about Highfather's jealousy over Darkseid getting all of the action figures and cartoon appearances while he has been relegated to the guy whose name only invokes the question "Who's that?" It also might have been some editors grand idea to subvert the usual universal catastrophe of Darkseid searching for the Anti-Life Equation with the universal catastrophe of Highfather searching for the Life Equation.

Inside A Secret Pitch Meeting At DC Comics
Obnoxious DC Editor: "Listen to this idea I had while taking a shower this morning, you guys! Imagine a story called 'The Phallus of the Gods!' In it, Darkseid will ruin everything while searching for the Anti-Life Equation! It'll be a huge hit just like every other time Darkseid did that!"
Contrariwise DC Editor: "Stop right there! It's perfect! Except we'll call it 'Godhead' and instead of Darkseid searching for the Anti-Life Equation...get this!...we'll have Highfather ruining everything while searching for the Life Equation!"
Kiss Ass DC Editor: "MIND. BLOWN." *mimes his head exploding*
Obnoxious DC Editor: *pouts. Kicks fake rock. Peanuts music begins to play.*

I had to change the names of the editors involved in the meeting or else my Source, which allows me to recreate moments in the DC Office in such near perfect detail, might be uncovered. Don't worry, Sterling! Nobody will ever find out it's you!

Who is Aydin? One of the members of One Direction?

Oh yeah! Aydin is the planet that Highfather just gave Godhead to last issue. He thought he'd pull the old White Lantern trick where you make everybody's decisions for them which makes them much happier and healthier and not full of resentment and anger at all because you also took away their ability to feel anger and resentment. Except Highfather doesn't have the same powers as a White Lantern. He just used the substandard "All Spectrum Light Power" that looks like White Lantern light but isn't really. So he turned everybody on Aydin into Monsters of the Month and then commanded the New Gods to mercy kill them.

Hal, Kilowog, John Stewart, Salaak, and 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 must figure out what to do now before Mogo's atmosphere freezes around them and Mogo becomes a great big ice chunk in deep space. I don't know why 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 is in on a meeting of four of the top Green Lanterns but it's probably because she's my favorite.

Meanwhile, Saint Walker continues to be a huge downer.

Hope is the most powerful light in the spectrum? Fiddle sticks! Hope is pissing in the wind! Hope is for losers! I'd rather have anger than hope! At least anger gets things done and faces punched! You're never going to get your own comic book, Saint Walker, if it's going to be twenty pages of you sitting around saying things like, "I hope every thing will be okay!" Or "I hope giant flying space spiders don't consume the universe!" Or "I hope this constipation doesn't last too long!"

You know what I hope? I hope one of those pacifist Green Lanterns that has been refusing to use his or her ring will give it up to Mogo already to save Green Lantern Headquarters!

Over at the Source Wall, Metron and Highfather recount what happened in Godhead #1, saving savvy readers $4.99! Then Metron decides that the only way to figure out what this "White Lantern" is is to contact the Green Lantern Corps. Too bad these New Gods haven't been paying very close attention to anything in the universe that doesn't directly concern them or Metron would realize this is only a good idea if he was looking to get punched in the jaw by thousands of poorly thought out Green Lantern constructs.

Somebody give Mogo their Gott Damned ring already! Oh! Or just make one the way Sinestro made one for Hal! Big dumb dumbs!

Metron begins hacking the Green Lantern's servers. I just assumed each ring contained all the knowledge of everything inside of it! I can be so naive sometimes! But, as Hal Jordan correctly and smartly and astutely points out, the connection is a two-way street! Because most streets are two ways! Except those ones in little European villages that can barely fit one car down them and wind around like a serpent's penis. Using Mogo's ring, Hal gets a visual of Metron. I bet he's going to see the Source Wall reflected in Metron's eyes to discover where to go to punch Metron in the jaw!

Fuck you, Salaak! Smart ass! Do you want to do these commentaries?

While three whole Green Lanterns head out to deal with twelve unknown aliens (not so highly reasoned, that!), Metron begins analyzing the data he's stolen.

Metron sucks at analyzing data! New Genesis didn't know about any White Lanterns before this. So you can't conclude that only one White Lantern exists when you discover one! What you conclude is that New Genesis sucks at collecting information. Although Metron is probably right. Stupid comic books. Always allowing characters to jump to the right conclusions in the wrong ways.

The Green Lanterns arrive (about eighteen of them, so I, apparently, jump to the wrong conclusions in all ways) just as Metron decides they need to investigate Earth, the home of Kyle Rayner. That's just the kind of thing to cause Hal Jordan to ask questions later. Although Metron and Orion did steal Mogo's ring, so I think Hal already arrived in a non-talking mood.

See? New Genesis sucks at gathering data. They didn't know anything about The Stick™.

Orion and Hal have a bit of a chest puffing moment and, I'm glad to say, Orion is the better chest puffer. Perhaps Hal should employ the "threaten his testicles" measure that worked so well for Wonder Woman to keep him in line.

The Green Lanterns quickly learn about a word called humility before Metron, Orion, and Highfather's guards BOOM Tube back to New Genesis with information about Kyle Rayner. Hal decides the Lanterns need help and since he can't figure out that Mogo just needs a new ring, he decides the Corps will abandon Mogo and go pay a visit to Sinestro. And since Sinestro has a Magic 8 Ball named Lyssa, he's going to have tea and cakes ready for them upon their arrival.

Green Lantern #35 Rating: +1 Ranking. Sure, the whole Mogo thing is one of those comic book moments that don't make any sense if you have any knowledge of past Green Lantern story lines. Even if Mogo needs a very specific ring that can be utilized by a planet (which is highly doubtful seeing as how he just had a regular finger sized ring hanging from a branch), we saw Sinestro, in the beginning of this run of Green Lantern, create a ring for Hal Jordan. So I can only jump to the (wrong) conclusion that the Green Lanterns are selfish jerks that never really liked Mogo anyway and are sincerely glad that he went dormant.

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