Batman Loves Superman #20

This was the first movie poster cover so far that I didn't recognize. At least not consciously!

Since I didn't know what movie this was parodying, I decided to ask Lord Google. First because of the speed line crap (and because I didn't seem to recognize it), my brain was telling me it might be from The Fast and The Furious. Some of those posters do have an inordinate amount of speed lines but that wasn't right. So then I checked Speed just in case. Superman could have been the bus and Batman Keanu, right? But on that poster, the bus is exploding instead of driving sort of fast. But then my brain proved that it did know this movie poster. I knew I recognized it but just couldn't come up with the movie. But my brain was telling me that it was a movie with Harrison Ford. So I asked Lord Google to look up Harrison Ford movie posters and there it was: The Fugitive. Good job, brain. That was sarcastic. You really shouldn't have to rely on Lord Google, you stupid organ of a bitch.

Oh wait. Did I just hurt my own feelings twice?

Also, I was joking when I captioned the Bill and Ted's cover of Action Comics with "Party time. Excellent." It's been hard not pointing out that I was joking with that caption and I finally cracked! Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure is one of the few movies that you'd be really annoyed watching with me since I know all the fucking lines. It's that, Heathers, and Young Guns, both the first and the second one! That's not counting musicals because aren't we all annoying assholes when watching musicals we love? Just shut up and let me watch it without having to hear you sing over my singing!

Previously in Batman Loves Superman, Superman, Supergirl, and Batman have stormed the Bottled City of Kandor because Xa-du the Phantom King had taken it over and was feeding them horrible anti-Superman propaganda. He probably made them read all of Scott Lobdell's run on Superman until they couldn't fucking stand to look at Kal-el anymore. Also, Superman just found out that he was going to have to kick his Nana's ass to keep Xa-du and his tiny Kandorian army from taking over the world.

Superman's Nana explains why she's about to whoop his stanky ass. It turns out the people of Kandor were not completely in stasis. They could hear and see what was going on around them. And every time Superman would blow a masturbatory load into the side of the Bottled City, she grew more and more ashamed that he was kin. Now she's going to put him down! And his cousin too because she's no relation of hers! She's an El! *ptui!*

But why do you hate Supergirl's bum so much? Look at it! It just wants to love and be loved!

I bet Superman is all, "Nana! Stop! Your little Kal-el loves you so much! I can't hit you, Nana!" And then Batman will drop from the cork and say, "I can!" and BLAMMO! Nana takes an uppercut right to the kryptonian dentures!

The scene shifts to Ray Palmer and Hiro in the Ant Farm except it's not Hiro at all like I thought (again!) when I glanced at the page. It's Lois Lane still in her Hiro undercover disguise. Lois has been receiving a Morse Code message from Batman about what's going on and that they could use some help. Maybe. It's also possible she's lying and she just wants to get into the middle of the action so she can write a story about it.

Supergirl also refuses to fight back because it's her best friend Tali she's up against. So she and Superman stand around taking shots of heat vision to the face trying to convince a bunch of brainwashed people that love conquers all and hugs could go a long way to ending this mess. But the Kandorians don't agree and continue to beat the crap out of Superman and Supergirl. Who will save them now?!

Who didn't call this? Not me! I mean, I didn't not call it! You read that I called it a few paragraphs ago, right?!

Now I'm angry! Batman has some red sun right there on the end of his Whomping Stick! It's obviously been shrunk down by Ray Palmer Shrink Ray technology. How about making it the size of a cork and exchanging the normal cork on the Bottled City of Kandor with that bit of red sun? Problem solved without having to hit somebody's Nana in the face! I think Batman just likes beating up old women.

How did J'onn manage that? Aren't suns made out of fire?

Is that how Batman and Ray Palmer also developed Batman's Mini-Red-Sun Gauntlets for his Hellbat costume?

Aunt Mara flies in and disintegrates Batman with her heat vision. Superman screams, "Batman!", forgetting that he has microscopic vision and could see that Batman just pulled the old Ray Palmer Shrinkadoo (or Supes is just acting which is probably not the case because Batman, after the last time he tried to get Superman to ad lib on the "in love with Lois" bluff, wouldn't trust Superman to act his way out of an interview with James Lipton). I bet Batman even planned the whole thing in his Morse Code message to Lois Lane. He's like a genius or something. I bet his IQ is way over 90.

Since Batman isn't around now to fight Superman's battle, he's forced to slam his Aunt's face into the ground and freeze his Nana's head. Supergirl knocks out Tali and the fight is over. I bet their friends and family never forgive them for this! How dare they defend themselves against brainwashed loved ones trying to kill them?! Couldn't they have found a better way?! Couldn't they, at least one more time, have tried making them remember love?

After the battle, Xa-du shatters the Bottled City of Kandor as if the bottle wasn't made from super duper unbreakable Brainiac glass! Pshaw! Comic books are so unrealistic sometimes.

Now Superman has to battle hundreds of tiny little super Kandorians. Maybe it's time to revert back to normal size and suck them all up with his superbreath and then by turning tiny again and spitting them out into a coke can inside a special red sun gerbil cage on board the Ant Farm! If they didn't think up that plan, they're not trying very hard.

Superman blows up Batman's Red Sun Generator and everybody loses their powers. Superman and Supergirl are okay because they're full of Vitamin D. Now all they have to deal with is Xa-du! I say grab one end of his bandages and fly around him super fast so that he spins around so quickly that he gets sick. Then he has to stand there dizzy and naked covering his genitals! I'm pretty sure that's how Scooby Doo and Shaggy always catch the mummy.

Instead the Ant Farm explodes out of Xa-du's bandaged head. It sounds gory but it wasn't as bad as it seems. I'll let Batman explain the technological mumbo-jumbo.

He's also learning how to act! I'm surprised he didn't go, "Batman! Oh my god! Did you see him die like I saw him die? Totally dead, he is! Oh sorrow!"

And, of course, after Xa-du's influence has been removed from everybody's minds, the Kandorians are all appreciative of being saved by Superman and Supergirl! Except Nana, Aunt Mara, and Tali because manufactured drama is so much better than hugs!

Apparently a few Kandorians are stuck in their Xa-du induced madness. It just happens, coincidentally, that Tali and Nana and Aunt Mara are part of that group. But someday they'll be free! Maybe! But now the citizens of Kandor get to be awake and live exciting bottled lives in their newly built bottled city because, I'm guessing, Ray Palmer doesn't want to share his Shrink Ray technology with them so that they can become normal sized and live amongst the humans? No? We can't have that? They'd rather be trapped in their bottle? I think somebody would at least give them a choice, no? What a bunch of dicks.

For a second, I thought Hiro Lois Lane was wearing the Non-Compliant symbol.

And that's pretty much the end except for Superman once more learning that he can't save everyone but everyone thinks that's okay because they know he's doing his best. Okay, not everybody thinks that. Some people think he's a dick. And some people right before they die think, "Fucking great. I'm the person Superman doesn't save! Just my...."

Batman Loves Superman #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. This was a much better Batman Loves Superman than most of the previous ones. Although I don't like the idea of Xa-du being "Batman's Joker." Such a Batman thing to do! Trying to make everything about him. Xa-du is just some guy who hates Jor-el and wants to see his son pay. That's not a Joker at all! That's a guy with a motive and a reason to do what he's doing. It might be insane and it might be targeting the wrong problem but when has that ever been an issue with anybody? Even in The Bible, God was constantly punishing the wrong people simply because he allowed himself to be swayed by his favorite of his Chosen people! Most of his favorites were problematic dickholes, by the way.

Supergirl #40

I forget. Which one of these characters was looking for a dick? I mean besides Dorothy.

I probably should have saved my story about the fire on stage while working for a junior theater production of The Wizard of Oz for this issue! But since I already told that story in my Batgirl #22 Review, I'll just mention that I got to play the Great and Powerful Oz in that production! I didn't play the wizard or have any lines or anything. But I did get to be on stage behind the big head running the smoke machine! So I was kind of the wizard. And then when all the kids (I was barely in my twenties and they were all seventeen or eighteen so "kids" is just the technical term) were pretending to search for Toto, they kept looking behind the giant head at me and screaming "Toto?!" in my face.

I mentioned this last time as well but I think it's worth repeating: the Scarecrow from that production went on to star in Julie and Jack, the first film by director James Nguyen of Birdemic! fame. That would be at the top of my resume forever.

Last issue, Supergirl learned the terrible secret of her new college: CLONING! All colleges have terrible secrets but they usually involve hazing and the faculty's penchant for covering up rape charges. I hope The Crucible Academy doesn't allow the Clones to have their own Greek House or this college will also soon have the other usual secrets as well.

I don't understand what makes clones so obedient. Wouldn't they just be a pain in the ass? After their creation, you'd still have to teach them to speak your language and how to use the toilet and how to fire a gun and how most people frown on exposing their genitals to other people in public places. Just hire some mercenaries.

Supergirl's friends Tsavo and Comet teleport into the room and begin kicking ass. Comet sure recovered quickly! How did Tsavo know where to find him? Does Supergirl just give out Mike-hole's address to everybody she meets? "Oh, if you need me, you can probably find me here not sucking Mike's dick at all. Ever." Maybe I wasn't supposed to remember that Kara left Comet snoring in Mike's bed last issue. It's also possible I'm not remembering a scene where Tsavo goes back to get him and Mike's parents are all, "What the fuck is this gigantic, humanoid, feral cat doing in our living room?!"

Tsavo breaks Amata and Maxima out of their pods so that they can help rescue all of the other students. They have to stop the cloning process but Supergirl warns the others to be careful since all the other pods are connected to Kon's pod. But since they just broke Amata and Maxima out of their pods without any problem, why can't they just break open all of the other pods as well? Then nobody will be connected to Kon and they can smash his too! Maybe. I might be making it easier than it really is because comic book logic is anything but logical.

Whoa! Watch the bum, Korstus!

It's never too late to stop the future! It's usually too late to stop the present. And it's always too late to stop the past! That's just how time works! This guy is the worst teacher in the school. I should also be upset that they, once again, made the gay guy the bad guy but I'm not. Also, Korstus might not be gay.

Everybody in the fight is perfectly matched! Teacher battles teacher! Giant humanoid feline battles giant humanoid feline while nearby, beautiful, nearly naked Maxima performs split kicks and boob butt showcases! Comet has nobody to battle because Tsavo pointed out he should be fighting the other cat person so Comet just goes off to think about the hand job he received from Mike. Supergirl is paired with Kon but not in battle. She's busy extricating himself from the cloning machine.

What happens when you clone a clone? Doesn't the product degrade every time you copy anything from another copy of the original source? Maybe they should have just used Supergirl to make their clones. I don't think Korstus thought this through very well. Although he does call them "clonelings." Maybe Clonelings are easier to control than normal clones. And they have the kind of name where you'd expect them not to understand language or toilets.

Kara frees Kon and saves the day. Everybody rejoices except Korstus and Roho because their day was not saved at all. But now the cloneling facility needs to be destroyed so Kara and Kon send everybody away while they blow it up with their non-ridiculous heat vision. If it were cold vision though...so stupid!

Amata promotes herself to the High Council of Whatever and gives her job as Preceptor to Tsavo. He takes on Maxima as Vice Preceptor and the rest of his friends decide to abandon him and the school.

Tsavo and Superboy sitting in a tree!

Hopefully Kara heads back to Earth to live with Silver Banshee and not get an apartment with that awful Mike-hole. How can she not see that he's pure evil?! But before Kara can leave, Maxima tells her that she wants to put her tongue in Kara's butthole. Kara is flattered and happy that she has friends and a place that accepts her for who she is. And Maxima probably won't use her mind powers to put naughty suggestions into Kara's head when they have sleepovers.

Kara returns to her job where Mike stops by for some banana bread and showboating. Go to hell, you asshole! Nobody needs you in this comic book trying to put your wiener in my girlfriend! Go take a long roll down a short pier, fuckface! After taking her break to speak with Mike-hole, Kara goes back to work and pricks her finger while putting her nametag back on. Either the pin on her nametag is made of kryptonite or Mike-hole's fiendish plan has begun! I knew that guy was bad news!

Supergirl #40 Rating: +1 Ranking. It feels like they're beginning a story arc to tone down Supergirl's powers but then I don't know how super Supergirl is going to be if her skin can be pierced by a tiny little needle! It could be some villainous plan or it could just be trying to make her more relatable than her little cousin Superman. I just hope she meets back up with Silver Banshee so she can have a best friend on Earth who isn't trying to bang her. Although the Silver Banshee may have been gay. I forget! If she is, she's better stay away from my Supergirl too!

Teen Titans #8

Lost Boys movie pitch: "Imagine The Outsiders...as vampires!"

When I notice a person on Twitter who follows more than three figures worth of people, I assume they don't read their Twitter feed at all. They probably only read replies and direct messages. I only follow people on Twitter whose tweets I'm interested in reading and at forty-seven people, it's too much. I suppose if I stop following Gail Simone, my Twitter feed would be cut in half. That's an option I'm considering because I can't seem to not read all the new posts from the day before when I first get online. I'm too interested in everything the people I follow have to say and it takes too much time which usually means I need to drop people from my feed. It's all or nothing for me, I suppose.

I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm using social media haphazardly and incorrectly. I've got the wrong attitude when I think it's about the other people. It's actually about me, isn't it? I'm supposed to make it completely about me! It's the way I approach my comic book blog which is the lamest "social media" experience there is! It's all about the tweets and the status updates and the animated gifs! If I can't boil my comic book commentary down to 140 characters or one hilarious reaction gif then I must be a long-winded witless bore and not very internet savvy. Fucking blogosphere. More like lame-ass-curmudgeon-sphere, amirite?

I think staring at these Teen Titans Lost Boys has gotten my old man dander up! "I don't fit into this world anymore! What's happening?! Why is everything moving so fast?!" Last year was the first year I finally felt like video games have begun to leave me behind. I'm forty-three and I've been gaming since whenever Stunt Cycle came out. Princess Wikipedia says Atari released home console versions of it in 1976.

Here is Stunt Cycle for all y'all that have never even heard of the fucking thing. As Princess Wikipedia notes, these were the years when Evel Knievel was everywhere jumping canyons and Las Vegas fountains and whatever the fuck he could find. I had an Evel Knievel doll with a motorcycle that you placed in this gizmo which you cranked up really quickly and then hit a button to release the motorcycle and he'd fly off whatever huge drop you could find to launch him over. That's probably the toy I most wish I still had.

Anyway, last November the new Call of Duty came out and it's so fucking twitchy that I can't stand it. It's the first video game I've played that I can tell was made for a generation that has completely different attitudes toward gaming. Titanfall had jump jets as well but the pacing and play was smoother and more streamlined. But the Call of Duty jump jets just make everything erratic and insane. But the kids seem to love it, I guess. I'm not horrible at it, so at least I know I still have my gaming skills at middle age. But I just don't like it. It's like trying to kill mosquitoes with a water pistol. I'm assuming. I've never tried that but that feels like it would be as annoying as the new Call of Duty gameplay.

I long for the days of print pornography! End old man rant.

Who's ready to find out what Manchester Black and his buddies are up to?! Yeah, I'm not really that excited either. But I'm sure Kenneth Rocafort's crazy ass lines drawn all over the comic book page will get me pumped up for it! It's like reading a High School year book from the eighties! "We're wild and we're young and we've got zig zaggy neon pink lines all over the place to prove it!"

Why is Bunker declaring New York the greatest city on Earth? He must have discovered Chelsea.

Manchester Black continues to evade actually answering any of Red Robin or Raven's questions so they shrug their shoulders and continue to trust him. Why not? He has a Union Jack tattoo covering his always bare chest, he smokes constantly, he's a tomato goblin, he's purposefully mysterious, and he tells half-truths in a fancy accent. If you can't trust a guy like that, who can you trust?

Manchester Black asks Raven to transport them to a surprise location where the Titans totally won't regret having trusted him at all.

The location winds up being a celebration in honor of the Teen Titans having saved New York City. Manchester Black's proof that the citizens of New York love the Teen Titans is that they made signs. And who bothers making anything in this digital age, amirite?! The art of sign making went out with dot matrix printers and Print Shop, right? Please! Of course it didn't. What does Manchester Black think people do at rallies or concerts or behind the Good Morning America studio? Hold up their iPads with dumb messages typed out on them? Pshaw!

Manchester Black calls Red Robin "Tim" which seems like a bad idea. Tim Drake is supposed to be super smart so why is he being so carefree about his secret identity which can be traced back to Bruce Wayne by anybody that has been paying attention to any news out of Gotham City. Doesn't he know he has a responsibility not to tie Red Robin and Batman to Bruce Wayne? What a jerk.

Although, I suppose only Lex Luthor is smart enough to make the connection.

After the celebration the main characters of the Teen Titans (Josiah Power and Manchester Black), investigate Brooks' (the bad guy the Titans supposedly just beat but if you ask Brooks about it, he'd say it was "all part of the plan") escape on his way to prison.

Oh yeah! Because a maniacal genius that managed to live to 104 years of age wouldn't have the ability to fake his own death to this degree. Start thinking like you guys are in a comic book, guys! Because you are! Sheesh.

Of course the fame begins going to the heads of certain Teen Titans. That plot point is as expected as the power corrupts absolutely plot that constantly creeps back over and over and over again. Besides, these are the Teen Titans of the Me Generation! I'm not sure it's particularly fair to label this generation the Me Generation when the Baby Boomers did everything for their own selfish desires first. I mean, who doesn't? But still, they protested Vietnam because it was the right thing to do and, oh, by the way, they didn't want to die either. That's not a criticism! That's a good reason to protest war especially when the war is bullshit. But then they abandoned all of those hippie philosophies that paid dividends in their youth for wall street and high paying corporate gigs which could pay dividends in their old age. They were the assholes that thought up that fucked up slogan about not having a heart if you're not liberal when young and not having a brain if you're not conservative when older. Fuck you assholes. But labeling the current generation the Me Generation does fit in the social media and fame context. Every generation has been obsessed with fame, the famous, and becoming famous. But this is the first generation that has been told anybody can become famous for way longer than fifteen minutes and for no particular reason at all and with barely any effort. You just need the right people to see what you can do or film the stupidest fucking thing for the internet or steal just the right jokes on Twitter to amass a huge following. And corporations make so much money on finding "talent" that they keep broadcasting the message that fame is the greatest thing a person can strive for and that the only way to get it is by being discovered on national television.

Um, anyway, Garfield Logan has been tapped to host Saturday Night Live (or whatever the stupid fucking DC Comics version of it is. Just use the real world names of things, you assholes) and he's getting all kinds of attention from stupid fucking pieces of shit that say things like "the business we call show!" I didn't mean to insult Hedwig with that line because I love Hedwig but come on! Just say show business!

Apparently the band based on cosplaying Raven has also become famous overnight. DUE TO A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL!

A riot almost breaks out at the concert but Raven stops it with her Feelies Power. Then the lead singer is all, "And people constantly ask me why we started a tribute band for her. I mean, actually they ask me, 'Who the fuck is Raven?' And I'd be all, 'You don't remember that person with the feathery clam face mask that nobody knew about but we somehow discovered somehow or something?' And they'd be all, 'What the fuck are you talking about?' And I'd be all, 'That night that demon attacked and nobody knew what was going on but the military died and everybody blamed the Teen Titans who nobody had actually heard of before that? You don't remember?' And they'd be all, 'Show me your tits.' And I'd be all, 'Ugh!'"

Later, Wonder Girl deals with a Glasshole.

Where do these superheroes actually keep their phones? For once there's a good reason to have at least one of those pouches from the nineties and they're nowhere to be seen! I guess Power Girl's teensy, tiny jacket probably has at least one teensy, tiny pocket somewhere on it.

If I were Wonder Girl, I'd be a little bit upset after kicking this guy's ass to look over my shoulder and see everybody checking their phones instead of watching my awesome body slamming moves. And they call themselves obsessed stalkers fans! For shame!

Last issue, I was happy that the Teen Titans were being recognized as a team of heroes fighting crime in New York. This issue, I'm saddened by the immediate turn it took into a look at obsessing over fame. Couldn't Pfeifer have dragged this out more? Did everybody have to instantly be skyrocketed into stardom fifteen minutes after saving the city? I suppose that's the way it seems to work nowadays and I'm letting my old man show again. But it's shit like this following panel that just annoys the fuck out of me:

Fuck you and "going viral." Nobody cares about actually creating anything anymore. They just want a million views for any fucking thing.

"Going viral" is a pretty apt term for internet fame. Just like a virus, nobody can guess who it's going to infect. And once infected, a person passes it on to everybody they come in contact with for a few days. Then they shake it off and forget about it and go on with their lives. I think the term should be called "shooting up." Because it shoots a person's fame into the stratosphere and makes them feel like they're on heroin. But the high only lasts so long before they need another hit.

And this idiot that is going to "become famous" for being a guy that ran up on stage and was beaten by Beast Boy? How does that fame work? Is he going to get future jobs where he gets beaten down by famous super heroes? Or is he just happy to be recognized on the street? The only thing this guy makes me want to do is to stop being lazy and shave. You now how fucking horrifying it is to walk around Portland with a huge beard? It's embarrassing! I haven't shaved since my cat Judas died. Not for any particular reason but I could barely be bothered to shave before he died and fuck if I care at all now. But when people see me and think my beard is an aesthetic choice as opposed to just not being able to bring myself to shave? Ugh. I feel like a creep!

Oh fuck off of my lawn already!

Everything that I find the Batgirl crew are doing right in their comic book by letting Batgirl interact with an actual modern Gotham City as she tries to find herself outside of the Batfamily and amongst the people of her generation, I find being used like a hammer here. I get it! People want fame! People want to exploit other people's need for fame for money! Beast Boy and Bunker are fame whores and idiots! People want to get beat up by Wonder Girl on camera for their YouTube Channel! Red Robin is probably going to start a podcast which will be an instant hit! I think I really am more interested in Josiah Power and Manchester Black now!

Speaking of Manchester Black, he's decided to go point out to Red Robin that all of Red Robin's friends have become instant celebrities and are enjoying their fame because they're stupid fucking assholes. And now he's wondering why Red Robin isn't having fun being a stupid fucking asshole too!

Red Robin, being a genius, is busy trying to fight crime and uncover secrets to stop future crime! He doesn't care about internet fame. But just wait until Trigon releases the Red Robin sex tapes he filmed while possessing him! Everybody will want an interview with Red Robin after that. But since iPhones have taken the place of the ubiquitous televisions in the background playing the news, Manchester Black has a new plot thread right in his hand!

To be fair to cell phones, finding out about plot threads via cell phones is way more believable than those fucking televisions constantly on everywhere reporting exactly the news that the heroes need to hear.

Teen Titans #8 Rating: No change. I actually want to drop this a few ranks but I think I'm too close to it! My bias is a radioactive cloud turning me into a sort of rampaging, half-hearted Hulk. Other people can determine if they enjoy this kind of portrayal of the Teen Titans. Power Girl, Wonder Girl, and Raven really didn't get enough attention this issue but I think they'll be more on Red Robin's side about all this fame being a distraction. But I can't stand to see Miguel and Gar treated like stupidly shallow, fame-obsessed assholes. Especially since their friendship is supposed to be a shining light in this comic book. But now Pfeifer is putting them at odds on their quest for fame. Bah. I don't need more friendships falling apart in comic books! I need more friends in comics backing each other up and always being their for one another and showing that their love for each other exceeds all other bullshit! Ugh. Whatever! I'm off to make a viral video that involves Star Wars figures and my asshole.

One last thing that pissed me off was the closing blurb: "Continued in the Teen Titans Annual!" Fuck. I was hoping with all this Convergence stuff that we wouldn't get fucking annuals in April.

World's End #24

This could be a beautiful cover except my eyes keep getting drawn back to Power Girl's impending wedgie.

I kept asking myself, "What does World's End need to make it successful?"

I'm still asking myself, "What does World's End need to make it successful?"

Maybe if Daniel H. Wilson revealed that the culprit behind the destruction of Earth-2 wasn't Darkseid at all but Cluemaster! What a twist!

This issue begins with Darkseid and some of those inconsequential Lords of Apokolips assessing the situation.

Darkseid isn't allowed to finish because even the writers aren't really sure what his ultimate motivation was.

The rumble is Val-el, Power Girl, and Tornado Lane breaking into Darkseid's thinking out loud chamber. "Earth still has some fight left in it, monster!" screams Val-el, which is untrue and also not very threatening coming from a pacifist who refuses to resort to violence. Except occasionally when the writer and/or artist have forgotten that he's a pacifist. I have a feeling the next page is going to be a pair of Omega Beams bouncing around the room and three whiffs of non-existence.

Back on Earth where the evacuees are finally being shoved into the ships that will transport them to safety, Hawkcop decides to turn on The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick.

Jay: "Okay! Everybody on board! Mothers and their super hero sons first!"
Kendra: "You don't run! You flee!"
Jay: "What?"
Kendra: "You have to stay on Earth and sacrifice yourself while the ships fly up into space because they need protecting!"
Jay: "But what can I do once they lift off?"
Kendra: "You're being such a selfish prick! You should remain helpless inside Atom Shaven instead of escaping certain doom!"
Jay: "I don't get why you're being so...oh, I see. I get it. Manufactured drama to fill pages! Good job, Kendra, but really, I'll see you later on Earth-Main-Earth. We can continue this feud in Futures End."

Aquawoman busts through the floor riding a massive Moray Eel and declares some new boarding rules: Atlanteans then mothers and then their superhero sons!

The eel is waiting to hear when Giant Moray Eels get to board.

Barda isn't recognized by any of the humans even though she's over seven feet tall. But she is noticed by War who managed to find an identical disguise. I don't remember Evil Starfire in any of the Futures End comic books, so my guess is she tries something evil and Barda stops her which is when Barda's heart grows three sizes or something.

Meanwhile Dick Grayson apparently, once again, found Tommy or Johnny or whatever the little shitbag's name is between comic books. But guess what he does once more? He gives him away to somebody else for no reason! I mean, he kind of has a better reason this time, at least, than last time. Apparently there aren't enough seats on the escape ships for everybody since dozens of them have been given up to Atlanteans and a gigantic eel. All the men and children without mothers will now have to be left behind! It's not my rule! The guards said, "Women with children only!" That's why Dick gave Tohnny to a couple of women to take care of them. I don't know who they are because they're in such fabulous disguises but the really tall one says her name is "Barda." Johmmy never says a word because that would bump up his Actor's Union paycheck.

Alan Scott busts in on the Mister Misters as they whine about how they don't know how to save two million of Earth-2's last surviving humans, Atlanteans, and giant eels. I guess his new Chromatic Powers will provide life support systems for the millions of evacuees. Sam will provide oxygen and Solomon Grumpy will provide waste disposal and Cthulhu will create water and Yolanda Montez will die on the surface of the Earth but Alan will use the Red power for blood and other medical necessities to help the wounded. Alan Scott's green power will be used to spruce up the place with a few well-placed ferns.

Back in Darkseid's thinking out loud chamber, Val-el decides to end the battle with a really aggressive hug.

Yay! Now Power Girl gets the symbol and Val-el gets the Boob Window! Equality!

The issue ends with Power Girl punching Darkseid in the face and Darkseid going, "What was that? A mosquito? A piece of paper? Somebody threw a piece of paper on me!"

Hmm, does that quote have the taint of rape all over it now?

World's End #24 Rating: No change. This was a fantastic issue of World's End! I mean, at least the plot points all kind of made sense and are leading to the expected conclusion! Which I hope is in next issue although it still feels like it's going to need more than one more week to wrap up. Maybe all the weeklies are going to end on April 1st? Is that a possibility? Maybe I should just stop buying them after April 1st! If I don't acknowledge them, they don't actually exist! Why didn't I think of this earlier?!

Batman Eternal #50

And the evil jerk behind it all was an old man wearing a Jason Bard mask!

Being that this is issue #50, I'm hoping something important is revealed. Like maybe who is behind all of the recent invitations to trash Gotham City? I'm still hoping it's Crime Syndicate Superwoman's baby.

Last issue, Batman flew a jet plane into Bane's chest. But don't worry. Batman doesn't kill. He knew that flying thousands of pounds of metal full of fuel at a high speed directly into Bane's chest wouldn't even knock Bane out. Although did he know that no citizens would be standing nearby who might be hit by shrapnel? What about the fires started from the fuel exploding? How the fuck does Batman take into account all of this shit so that he can strut around declaring that he's never killed anybody?! Bane must have a concussion, at the very least. And that could lead to death! Fucking Batman is an asshole. Maybe that time Nocenti wrote him kicking Catwoman off of her motorcycle where she landed face first into the freeway going sixty miles per hour was a spot on characterization of Batman! I was completely wrong to criticize her.

After kicking Bane in the face for good measure because you can't have too many concussions at once, he informs Pennies-One and Two that he's going to end this bullshit. Does that mean he's finally figured out who's behind it all? It's Catwoman, right? She's just trying to get Bruce tired and confused so he'll finally fuck her out of the Batman suit.

But first Batman needs to get more of his frustrations out.

I'm sure The Scarecrow can survive being thrown off the top of a cathedral.

While Batman gives the Scarecrow the proverbial dose, Firebug or whatever flies around setting buildings on fire. And Rat-Catcher is sending rats all over the city. And Signalman is still fucking with the signals. It seems the Secret Society of Super-Villains have turned their sights on Batman for some reason. There must be secret ancient pirate treasure buried somewhere under the city.

Next on his list of Batkids to help is Bluebird. After crashing a jet into Bane and filling Crane full of heart attack inducing fear toxins, he electrocutes Mr. Freeze with some fallen power lines. Jesus Christ, Batman. What are you going to do to the Joker's Daughter when you help out Batgirl? Crack her skull open with a crowbar?

But first he has to save Red Robin's ass by freezing Clayface solid. That might be the least brutal thing he's done all night and it's still deadly! Although Clayface is a kind of impossible magical golem thing so freezing solid is probably no big deal.

Does Batman trust Batgirl the most or did he realize, like everybody except Amanda Waller, that Joker's Daughter is just a confused kid with no fucking fighting skills at all?

Alfred passes along an invite to Batman to strip naked and sit on the Batsignal to watch the city burn with the culprit behind this entire mess. Batman is flummoxed but apparently all the readers have guessed the twist because they're greater detectives than the World's Greatest Detective! If only I'd finished my Trixie Belden Home Detective Course, I might know who the vile jerk behind it all is as well! Maybe it's Sportsmaster? Or a Sportsmaster that loves to give out clues? Like some sort of a clues master?

I hope it's Superwoman's baby.

Batman reaches the Batsignal and falls into a trap where he's electrocuted. That's when the Evil Mister Smarty Pants reveals himself!

Suprise! It's the guy who drives the zamboni at the Gotham Blades Hockey Arena.

Batman Eternal #50 Rating: -2 Ranking. Somebody go back through all fifty issues of Batman Eternal using the knowledge you've gained from your Trixie Belden Home Detective Course and see if all the clues always led to Cluemaster! I don't buy it. This smacks of a cheat! It feels like the only clues given that Cluemaster was behind it all were all given in the helicopter last issue with Spoiler. Is that why Spoiler told Harper that Bruce Wayne was behind it all? Because she wasn't quite sure that she wanted to out her father yet? Is that why Spoiler used "literally" when she mentioned she wanted nothing to do with him?! That was the biggest clue of them all, I think!

I think sometime around Issue #34, Scott and James were eating cold Pop Tarts while watching porn together when one of them came and the other one said, "What if the person behind it all was the first person the comic book focused on?" Then one of them choked on a Pop Tart and said "Brilliant!" as the other one came. Or it could have all been planned from the beginning. It was always likely to be a shitty fucking villain that nobody would bother to guess because guessing that character would just be too boring. Now I wish it had been Sportsmaster!

Futures End #46

So Terry McBatman's upcoming comic book is going to be about a corpse? I'm in!

Last issue ended with Brother Eye having learned petulance which led to Batman learning remorse and led to Mister Terrific learning that some people get off on sticking things into their dickholes. If that synopsis were true, I'd expect every third panel in this issue to cut back to Mister Terrific looking perplexed and going, "Really?!"

If anybody reading this lives in Seattle, I have a great dessert place to recommend to you! I forget the name of it and the name of the neighborhood where it's located but they serve the most fucking delicious desserts I've ever had. You should try it sometime! Tell them I sent you!

See that second panel? Mister Terrific is imagining how he'd go about shoving something into his urethra.

Does anybody remember the episode of "In Search Of" entitled "In Search of The Gaping Dickhole"? Leonard Nimoy at his finest! He had a way of presenting men inserting bigger and bigger rods into their dickholes that kept the subject dignified. My particular favorite episode was the one in search of ancient astronauts from Sirius B but I was always extremely happy if it was the one with the Loch Ness Monster or the dickhole guys.

Terry McBatman introduces himself properly to Batman McBatman so he can warn him about Brother Eye's fucked up future world.

Terry: "Wonder Woman looks like a fucking spider and Frankenstein has Black Canary's face in his chest! It's totally disgusting!"
Batman: "Hey! Aquaman was telling me about that! He said one of The Losers has visions or something and saw some crazy ass shit like that! I totally believe you're from the future!"
Terry: "Wow! I thought it would be hard to convince you! You from the future said that you from the past would be a complete asshole!"
Batman: "What?! Fuck that guy!"

Meanwhile in Upstate New York, Twofer Lana Lang visits Frank Rock while he's sleeping and lays an egg in his chest. So she's just as gross as I suspected. She's perfect for Grifter!

Susan finds the whole thing awesome which is totally adorable.

The Langs relax at a diner with their work in this comic book series finally done. Susan has the vault of Twofer DNA shrunk down to Barbie size and Cadmus knows not to look for them. If the Lang Family shows up again, I figure it'll be in their own comic series.

Batman McBatman and Terry McBatman decide to fix Terry's time belt so that he (or Bruce) can take one last jump and hit the correct target five years in the past. Then they can delete Brother Eye and cause a time paradox which probably won't matter come June.

Terrifitech is being overrun by zombies and/or people still interested in the uSphere. I'm not sure how to tell them apart. But Firestorm is headed over to help save the day and/or become a power source for Brother Eye. Although she doesn't make it in time to save Terry McBatman who dies battling Joker McBatman. That causes Plastique to leak nitroglycerin out of her eyeballs.

So now that Terry's dead, I guess the future remains unchanged. Brother Eye wins!

Futures End #46 Rating: No change. Here's what's going to happen next! With Terry McBatman dead and no record of Tim Drake in the future, Tim Drake is going to use the Time Belt to go further back in time and save the world. But it will glitch and send him one thousand years into the future where he'll be bitten by a vampire! Being the immortal genius he now is, he'll read every book on the history of the last thousand years and research everybody he's interested in saving in the past. Then he'll take the name Harvest, get in a Time Bubble, and travel back in time to the beginning of The New 52! He establishes NOWHERE as a means to stop Brother Eye from destroying the world. And to obfuscate his true plans, he engages in a bunch of various insanely intricate plans that rely on him losing a few times before winning and then losing and then winning and then losing and so on. Every time he tells somebody that it was part of the plan, it's true! It's all part of the plan to stop Brother Eye! But nobody has any idea that that's what he's up to because nobody has figured out his big clue: the name of his organization, NOWHERE! Ninety Obfuscations While Harvest Eradicates Robot Eye.

Detective Comics: Endgame #1

How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One.

I really hope this comic book doesn't spoil the end of Snyder's Endgame. I'm sure it will just be about a bunch of people punching a bunch of other people with Joker grimaces on their faces in their faces. Sometimes my editor thinks I should rework my sentences so that they aren't so convoluted but then I put my finger in her face and scowl, "No! Where is the fun in that?" But then I wish I'd said "Where is the fun in that?" in a more convoluted way. And often I just wind up feeling guilty for talking back to my pretend editor when she's just trying to do her pretend job improving my pretend writing skills.

This issue begins during the Joker Riots of Whatever Year This Is (not to be confused with the Joker Riots of Whatever Year Came Before This and the Joker Riots of Whatever Year Came Before That, et cetera, et cetera (Fun Fact! My pretend editor's name is Et Cetera (I might be stretching the definition of "fact" and "fun" with that fun fact))) before Detective Yip shot Lonnie in the face for being a youth on the street during a time of crisis. No wait! It probably occurs after Lonnie got shot by Yip and was released from the hospital with his Anarky gift mask or else how could Lonnie decide to don a mask he doesn't own and become Anarky to help stop the anarchy caused by The Joker?

You see, The Joker's anarchy is the bad kind of anarchy. It's the kind of anarchy that most people think of when they hear the word. It's the kind that movies and comic books would like you to believe would take the place of civilization if our system of laws were ever to be thrown in the toilet. It's belief in this kind of anarchy that causes an outcry for more control of the populace and encourages fascist regimes to take control. So Anarky has to use the good kind of anarchy (some might say "vigilantism") to stop the spread of the bad kind of anarchy!

Anarchy is really the most mature of all social philosophies and political ideals. It posits the theory that we are all fucking adults who can take care of ourselves. Most people want a nanny state and a protective father figure ensuring their safety so they can blissfully walk about with their noses stuck in their cell phones. But order and control is just an illusion and we're all in a perpetual state of denial. The law of everybody's neighborhood is actually anarchy. At any moment, if just a tiny fraction of the population decided to do whatever the fuck they felt like it, the system would break down. That means that the system is just an illusion that we have all agreed to for our own selfish reasons. That's anarchy, people! Citizens (white ones, anyway) might feel safer knowing that there is a police force to protect their lives or, more importantly it seems, their property. But even if a neighborhood police force didn't exist, people would still protect themselves. So now you'd have neighbors living in the exact same community but having to maintain their own protection. Basically what you'd have is the same thing you have now but probably more weapons and deadbolts in every single house in your neighborhood. But you'd almost certainly still have the same community. All that road warrior bullshit? It might happen in like Texas or something (not Austin) but most people are still going to be decent people if "the law" were to suddenly not exist. The evidence is all around you every day. Sometimes people do shitty, murderous, nutty things and they'll do it whether laws exist or not. Anarchy is not something to be feared! It's an ideal to be striven for!

Did I use "striven" correctly? Fuck it! Of course I did! I'm an anarchist and I can use it however I want!

He is an anarchist. He does know he doesn't have to sign his name at the end of each text, right?

That's the only page I've read so far but judging by the cover, Lonnie is going to don the Anarky mask and get to work protecting his mother and, I guess, Gotham by whatever means necessary! By the end of the issue, he'll have spray painted the Anarky symbol on the Bat Signal and have jerked off onto the back of a homeless person's head while listening to some radio friendly "punk rock" like Sublime, Green Day, or Blink 182. Anarchy!

Lonnie winds up getting shot at by some Joker cops (or normal cops. Really, what's the difference, amirite?) and meets a guy named Dax. Dax has an "X" in his name, a septum piercing, and a mohawk hairstyle (originally made famous by General Mohawk during the civil war. I think) which instantly identifies him as an anarchist and totally chill dude except when it comes to discussing society at large! Lonnie is about to hear some truth down in here! And probably some really crazy shit about Project Cloverleaf and how AIDS was created to kill black men and was, in the late seventies and early eighties, an actual ingredient of malt liquor.

Who would have guessed?! They're punks!

Dax's friends are Dre and Riko. They're anarchists too! When Lonnie asks if they're heroes, Riko (or Dre) says, "Nah. We're just us." Now that whole "just us/justice" thing might have been clever the first bazillion times people began to use it. But here it's clever again because of the theme of anarchy and how everybody is responsible for their own happiness and safety. And guess what helps make somebody's selfish desire for happy and safety to come about? Keeping your community happy and safe as well! So you see, an anarchist has a truly selfish reason for helping to keep their local community safe. So Dre, Dax, and Riko don't need the cops. They have "just us."

Also, Lonnie turns out to be some genius hacker that goes by the name of Moneyspider. A hacker! Those guys are total anarchists! And his mom is a stripper. Pure anarchy!

I might be shouting "Anarchy!" too much. I think everybody gets what the comic book is about. Sorry.

Does anybody sense a crazy, wacky Anarky title in the style of Burnside Batgirl? Can you say "Anarchy"? Sorry.

Ann Nocenti spent six issues writing dialogue for some truly beautiful characters drawn by Trevor McCarthy and not once made them interesting or gave me any reason to care about them. Dax and his gang look like your average, run-of-the-mill comic book characters and, in just a few pages, Brian Buccellato has created a group of kids whose monthly comic book I would pick up and read.

Trevor McCarthy really did draw an adorable looking Zell. Although she could have been a little chunkier.

Lonnie ditches his new friends to go save his mother as you probably know if you actually read the page I scanned so why am I typing this paragraph? But what you might not have known is that they decide to go after him because he's Moneyspider! Or because they just liked the cut of his jib. Is that sexist?

Oh my god! They fly?! I guess gravity is a law and fuck laws, amirite?! Anarchy!

They're not actually flying. That was just the artist's interpretation of three kids jumping from one roof to another in the most absurd way possible. But if you're going to be a hero in Gotham and have any hope of starring in your own comic book, you've got to be able to jump from one rooftop to the next.

The Anarkids run into the Batfamily in the middle of a Jokerfuffle. They don't have time to help them save a stripper because they judge. So they send Spoiler to help them out.

Since Batman Eternal, Spoiler apparently got her hands on some kind of growth formula.

Spoiler's plan is to shoot a few Joker Citizens with tranq darts but Lonnie has a better plan! Spray paint joker smiles on masks fished out of the strip club's dumpster, spend an inordinate amount of time cleaning the buffalo wing sauce and ranch dressing off of them, put them on, and storm the strip club! Then it's hugs and dollar bills all around! Happy endings for everybody!

Detective Comics: Endgame #1 Rating: Since this issue ended with a "The Beginning..." closer, I'm going to jump off a limb and say this is a pilot for a monthly Anarky series depending on how well it sells. I'm all in for that series as long as Buccellato is writing it. How about instead of teaming Buccellato up with Manapul, give him Justin Gray for awhile! Then Jimmy Palmiotti can use Manapul and we'll see if more magic happens! Or at least maybe some writer's block curing handjobs.