Robin, Son of Batman #2

How do you not notice the printer put the cover art in upside down? Come on, DC!

I rewatched In Bruges yesterday. It's one of my favorite movies and one piece of entertainment I won't spoil even though it's eight years old. The movie has some problems but I think they're more problems on the way I'd like things to have turned out rather than problems with the film. Intellectually and thematically, I can understand why things happen the way they do. If you haven't seen it and you haven't heard anything about it, just watch it without digging around to see what it's about. It's currently on Netflix. And while it's definitely not the kind of movie that everybody is going to like, I think Colin Farrel and Brendan Gleeson turn in some absolutely spectacular performances. I saw it when it came out (at the Laurelhurst Theater in Portland, Oregon, of course) mainly due to the trailer. That trailer should be studied by most movie studios. It was simultaneously engaging whilst still managing to keep the real plot of the movie a surprise. Highly recommend. Would see again!

That has nothing to do with Robin, Son of Batman. Neither does this: in the two issue miniseries "The Pink Mink" featuring Wolverine and Doop, Doop says, in his secret language, "Gene Simmons is a fag." What the fuck was that about, Peter Milligan?! Maybe Milligan didn't script that at all. Maybe the letterer lost his girlfriend to Gene at a Kiss concert?

This issue begins with Damian Wayne acting cocky and/or arrogant. Whenever I want to add more flare to my writing, I'm going to use synonyms and link them by "and/or"! It'll be my thing! When people discuss Grunion Guy's writing in college classes years from now, students will write essays about me with titles like "Why the Fuck Do I Have To Read This Shit?" and "Grunion Guy is Garbage and/or Shit."

The scene in which Damian is acting arrogant is a practice skirmish with his mother where he believes he's beaten her but then she smacks him in the head and tells him he'll only beat her when she's dead. I mean, he won't whale on her corpse! He'll have defeated her only when she's dead. So that's her main lesson to her son: kill your enemy. And dad's main lesson to Damian is this: "Son, you must beat the ever loving crap out of your enemy but don't kill him because that's even more humiliating and kind of funny too. Especially when they come after you for revenge and you get to humiliate them a second time! So much more satisfying than killing them!"

After the flashback to Damian's initiation into The Year of Blood, the comic continues in South America where Damian is completing the first task of the Year of Atonement.

I hope Robin completes four or five tasks per comic book or else this comic series is going to take thirty years to complete.

The Guardian awakens once it regains its head and flips the fuck out. Since it's now attacking Damian and Goliath while screaming for more bricks for the temple, Damian feels justified in beating the crap out of it. Hopefully he won't take off its head to defeat it. Does the atonement still count if he immediately repeats the sin?

While Robin is being turned into a stone creature by The Guardian's "reality-warping, hypno-hands," he gains the ability to see Nobody Too watching him from atop a bottle cap shaped billboard. She springs into action to save innocent bystanders from being crushed by the buildings being knocked over by Goliath and the Guardian's battle. Once the Guardian's powers knock out Nobody Too's cloaking ability, she decides to abandon secrecy and just dive in to help Damian.

Aw, she's thanking him! They'll be best friends in no time.

Damian, Nobody Too, and Goliath wind up in the grip of the Guardian and can't break free. That means it's time for Damian to remember what happened on the first day of the Year of Blood to get some clues on how to defeat the Guardian. I bet it has to do with bricks!

It doesn't have anything to do with bricks. Damian gained possession of a magic sword protected by the Guardian. With that sword, Damian took the head off of the Guardian. I'm not sure why he needed the head of the Guardian though. I guess it was just a challenge to see if he could survive doing it. While defeating the Guardian, Damian learned from the villagers that they will have no protection against the cartels now. Damian declares that he doesn't care and leaves. That's when he realizes he must defeat the cartels because they're there because of Damian.

Once Damian and Nobody defeat the cartels, the Guardian judges him worthy of living (even if he still has the Guardian's sword). Day One of Atonement is complete! But it'll take more than one day worth of atoning to convince Nobody that Damian has changed. Not that Nobody cares! Nobody wants to see Damian atone for every day in the Year of Blood so that she can kill him then. I bet they become best friends before that day takes place in thirty years!

Like a well? Maybe of souls?!

Nobody lets Damian know that she'll be working with him to help me make amends. But not because she thinks he's cute, tee hee! It's because Damian is an arrogant little punk who needs to see how much damage he's caused. Damian seems to understand that he was a really terrible kid and he doesn't want anybody to see him that way anymore. Intellectually, he understands right versus wrong and how to go about at least trying to fix his reputation so that his father (and his father's Super Friends) will be able to see him as a hero without any caveats. But emotionally, Damian Wayne is a stubborn, arrogant prick. He's calculating and manipulative with his emotions even if he thinks he's being sincere. He's a sociopath doing the things he believes people with emotions would do, like when he gave his father one of the pearls from Martha Wayne's necklace. Now, I don't truly think he's a sociopath because that doesn't make for an interesting character. It's just that he's never known true emotion and can only simulate it through calculated actions. His journey into truly feeling his emotions is what will be interesting. You can see his inability to truly understand the pain he's caused when Nobody confronts him about the murder of her father.

He is lackadaisical in the idea of an apology and simply doesn't care about being forgiven. Right now, he cares for nobody. Before this is over, he'll care for Nobody.

Robin, Son of Batman #2 Rating: No change. Patrick Gleason has a solid framework built to tell the story of Damian's redemption. In atoning for his past crimes, he'll see first hand the repercussions of his actions. He'll meet people he's hurt along the way who will forgive him, and be thankful, even though he was the initial cause of all of their problems. He'll meet people he wants to help who won't give him their forgiveness and, at first, I'm sure he'll brush it off and not care. But it will begin to grate on him that people aren't acknowledging his redemptive actions which will hurt. He'll be doing a lot of self-examination during this comic series although it won't be easy. I'm sure we'll have a lot more arrogant, uncaring Damian before we see much movement toward emotional understanding.

Black Canary #2

Is "Search and Destroy" their next rival band?

When I was sixteen, I attended the Monsters of Rock show at Candlestick Park in San Francisco. The bands playing were Kingdom Come, Metallica, Dokken, Scorpions, and Van Halen. I barely remember Kingdom Come and whatever song they had playing on MTV at the time and I really didn't know much Dokken besides that Dream Warriors song they had for the third A Nightmare on Elm Street movie. I was a fan of Van Halen and the Scorpions, and a passing fan of Metallica, so I wasn't super familiar with the lyrics to their songs. When Metallica played "Seek and Destroy", James Hetfield told fans in the mosh pit to beat the shit out of anybody who wasn't singing along to the song. So I swayed and danced and stomped around making it look like I was singing because I'm a huge pussy who didn't want to get his ass beat. I really enjoyed the parts that went "Searchiiiiiiiiiiing...seek and destroy!" Because that part was easy to pretend to!

Metallica always had a sense of snobbery about their music. It was almost as if the people who knew their music before ...and Justice For All were somehow better than every other fan of music to ever exist. It's also possible they were just angry that they weren't making as much money as they thought they should be making. Judging by their black album, I'd be inclined to say that was the reason for their bad attitude. That album was awful when compared to their previous albums and yet it sold like thrash metal hotcakes (if you ordered them without any thrash metal). I'm not one to argue that they sold out. Bands have a right to evolve and grow and change in their sounds. But fans also have a right to say that their new album didn't sound anything like the band that they loved and to drop them like a hot potato (or maybe, in reality, a luke warm potato with a friendlier edge to it).

This issue begins with the band practicing firing guns instead of practicing riffs and key changes.

Why are so many comic books now using this muted color palette? Is it artsy?

The band Black Canary has a problem. They're being hunted by Alien Scribble Monsters because their underage guitar player named Ditto is a monster from another world. Probably. But Ditto just wants to be human and play music! I bet where Ditto is from they're not allowed to play music or have feelings. But now Black Canary (the band! Not the person!) has to protect Ditto while also trying to fulfill their studio contract by completing a tour to promote their new album. Apparently nobody gets paid by the studio unless they complete the tour which seems like crap since it's their record. Also I might not understand the entire premise of the band on the road plot. I always have to leave enough wiggle room for my poorly rolled 9 intelligence score. Good thing I rolled 18 on Charisma, right?!

Target practice is interrupted by the band feeling weird and sketchy like they're being watched. And they are being watched! By the Alien Scribble Monsters with invisible spaceship technology. Dinah decides they should pack up and head out but not before she discovers Paloma Terrific is a deadeye marksman. I wonder what Lord Byron and Heathcliff's special powers will be? I guess Lord Byron will be the seductive one and Heathcliff can probably do math really well or something.

Meanwhile Burnside Tofu continues to waste precious space in their zine on Black Canary reports. Burnside Tofu is really going all in on Black Canary! If they hit it big, Burnside Tofu can brag all over Burnside about how they discovered them and how they were fans from the start and how nobody else truly gets Black Canary! They're just fans of the band because it's popular to be fans of the band! And even if Black Canary doesn't make it big, Burnside Tofu can point out that they should have made it big but music fans are cretinous weasel porkers who wouldn't know a jammin' riff full of intense passion from an obvious hook chosen purely for how many albums it will sell.

Oh! Oh! Who is Heathcliff sending this too? Pomeline or Olive?! Or Miss MacPherson?

Maeve (or Bo), the ex-lead singer of Ashes on Sunday (now Black Canary!), appears just as I was thinking the comic book didn't have enough characters in it. Sure, it's got a four piece band and a merch table guy. But Dinah can't be in most conversations about how Dinah is ruining the band and Ditto doesn't speak. So that leaves a lot of interactions between Paloma and Lord Byron with Heathcliff saying things that nobody cares about because he's not actually part of the band. I think Bo should be asked to join the band because she's totally my favorite character ever and always has been and always will be forever! Maybe she can drive the bus at least since the band probably doesn't need two singers. It's more probable that she'll become Dinah's Nemesis.

The story is interrupted by a pull-out insert describing the band on one side with the poster that is in the background of every other DC Comic on the other side. I'm going to hang it on my wall right now!

Bo runs off before she and Dinah can get into a physical altercation for practically no reason at all and then the bandmates argue about whose past is more secret. Dinah decides maybe shopping will sort it all out.

While out shopping, Ditto and Dinah perform some kind of sound voodoo which reveals one of the people following them in the invisible spaceship. Dinah kicks the stalker's ass and then takes off the helmet to reveal it is Kurt, her husband. That probably means that the band is being pursued by both Alien Scribble Monsters and the government's new version of Team 7. Ultimately that means more venues are going to be destroyed in the near future.

Black Canary #2 Rating: No change. This is a competently written and beautifully drawn book that's telling an actual story. Having an actual story being told in a comic book is always a plus. You might think that every comic book on the racks is telling a story but you'd be mistaken. Some of them are just using the pages as places to store the characters while they're not really doing anything in the comic book lives. They just kind of do the same thing over and over again while readers yawn but continue to buy the placeholder comic books because their favorite characters aren't currently being used in an actual story anywhere else. Having characters with motivations who are dealing with impediments to their goals? That's always a plus! You would think that most comic books would be capable of this, especially in the first few issues. Some story idea had to be pitched to get the comic book out the door, right? Wrong! Apparently you can just pitch an idea as vague as "Jason Todd and Roy Harper hang out together and fight bad guys." Black Canary isn't that. It has groove, it has meaning. Or something.

Harley Quinn #18

Aww! Violence is so cute! I'm going to put on roller blades and go stab somebody!

The worst thing about the internet is not that it allows everybody to have a voice but that it causes people to think that their voice is somehow too important not to be expressed. I mean other people! Obviously I'm above that criticism because I made the criticism! But even if I have to wade through endless pictures of bullshit from people who have dropped writing in complete sentences in favor of only speaking in hashtags in the wild chance that somebody on Instagram will look up "#kickinitcalistyle" and find their picture of them doing the most mundane bullshit, the internet is worth it. Because many voices that are worth hearing would never before have had a chance at such a wide circulation if they had to rely on traditional media and old fashioned outlets. The internet is simply millions of zines with the potential of a much wider audience than the customers at Tower Records or the local comic book shop. Mainstream culture often looked down on zines as people self-publishing because what they had to say wasn't worth being said in a professional magazine. But the best part about zines is that they are filled with passionate voices that needed a means to express those voices. Instead of a bunch of faceless managers and accountants trying to figure out what kinds of articles will make them the most money and then have a dispassionate writer work on that idea, zines simply exist because the writer had an idea or a humorous thought or a raging hate-boner which couldn't be contained anymore. The writer was enough in love with what was in their head to go through the trouble of printing and stapling and copying and graphic design, not to mention the torture of asking businesses if they'd carry their zine. The internet makes this process much easier (which is why so much of the web is shit) and expands the potential audience for voices that have something important or interesting or funny to say (which is why so much of the web is glorious).

If I had to honestly assess my little part of the internet, I'd say it's just slightly above "shit" because--I mean, I just have to face the facts--I don't really have anything important to say. And even if I did, it's about comic books! And nobody should care about comic books when we have out of control police officers believing they're all goddamned Judge Dredd, and old white men believing woman's bodies should be legislated, and an increasing number of bigoted assholes hiding behind their religion to treat other people like shit. How poorly Scott Lobdell is writing Jason Todd should be the least of our worries.

I think that's as close to a compliment as I'll ever give Scott Lobdell!

At the end of the last issue of Harley Quinn, Popeye was beating up a couple of the Harleys. Now Harley and the rest of the Gang need to swoop in and beat the living shit out of Popeye the way Bluto never could.

You know who was to blame for all of that violence between Bluto and Popeye (and maybe Brutus if he was a third person and not just an alternate name for Bluto)? Olive Oil. I know that wasn't much of a revelation which is why I chose to end it in a period instead of an exclamation point. If she didn't just keep leading them both on and just chose one (since Popeye and Bluto obviously weren't into anything more vanilla than monogamy), they wouldn't have had to beat the shit out of each other for decades. Although I suppose either one of them could have just been an adult about it and moved on with their lives. I suppose it wasn't fair to Olive that she had feelings for both of them and she couldn't decide on which of the violent bastards she wanted to spend her life with. It's also possible that Olive Oil didn't love Bluto at all and he was just a creepy rapist that wouldn't leave her alone. I can't remember the last time I saw a Popeye cartoon. One thing I know for sure! It was bullshit the way everybody decided to call the pacifist "Wimpy." You can always count on the majority to come together on any issue by attacking the pacifists and atheists!

The first few pages are spent on catch up Narration Boxes, some first act Law and Order procedural bullshit, a long comment on gentrification, and then a mugging. I'm sure Popeye will be coming up soon!

I know I shouldn't be judging Harley by her intelligent schemes so I probably shouldn't mention how putting a bomb in a cell phone that explodes when it's out of your vicinity is a bad idea, considering how often people misplace their phones.

Harley and Bolly find Popeye in a tattoo parlor just up the street. They confront him and...wait a second. Is this Popeye fanfic? Did I just pay $3.99 for fan fiction of Popeye the Sailor Man?! I am such an idiot.

Harley steals Popeye's spinach (which is actually irradiated seaweed) and eats it herself so that she can get huge forearms. But instead she just gets a hallucination in which she plays the part of a pirate. Her pirate ship is named Bernie. So I guess she set out to sea in her vagina.

Before the year is out, this hallucination will have its own mini-series.

Harley wakes up in the hospital with Ivy. When did this comic book become an anti-drug pamphlet?! Taking illicit substances that cause you to hallucinate is fun, kids! Don't believe this crap about winding up in a hospital! I've been rereading my X-Statix comics from the early 2000s and they're full of anti-marijuana and anti-smoking ads. I was actually surprised that those ads lasted into the new millennium. The smoking ads proclaim "Tobacco is whacko!" in huge letters with crazy images to go along with them. And then in smaller writing hidden somewhere else on the page, "If you're a teen." Ha ha! Stupid anti-smoking ads put out by cigarette companies! Please tell us why smoking is "whacko" if you're a teen but not if you're an adult? Are you saying it's only wrong to smoke before the law has accepted that you can make rational decisions on your own? I love how they want to make it seem like they're doing a good thing but they don't want to risk alienating the adults who smoke so they add the "if you're a teen" bullshit. And the anti-marijuana ads are no better. They generally end with something like "TRUTH" or "FACT" as being the reason not to do drugs. But the entire ad relies on hyperbolic hypothetical situations. It really would be nice if an ad just pointed out actual dangers to different drugs. But then I guess they really wouldn't have many reasons to tell kids not to smoke pot. They could bring up lung cancer but pot doesn't have to be smoked so their ad would really just be an anti-smoking ad while extolling the virtue of brownie mixes.

While Harley was out of it, the rest of the gang confronted Popeye and were defeated.

Hee hee. Behind! Don't you pervs fap to this image scan! Go out and pay $3.99 to fap to it like the rest of us!

Popeye has taken the Gang of Harleys out to sea and now he's planning on killing them all. It's up to Ivy and Harley to rescue them! But hopefully not all of them because, let's face it, there are way too many characters to care about in this comic book!

Harley Quinn #18 Rating: No change. I'm not entirely sure if this is an anti-drug comic book, an anti-spinach comic book, or an anti-fisherman comic book. I suppose it could be all of them as well as a slight anti-gentrification screed and a bit of a rant against the modern materialist culture. It's also possible it's just a story about a bunch of women kicking ass, taking drugs, and fucking. The fucking part isn't blatant though. It's things like Harley in the hospital with an "IV inside of her" and The Joker's Blunderbuss going "BANG" and how Harley never minded Ivy's "seafood buffet" smell before. It's all really classy!

Doctor Fate #2

I'm not feeling too imaginative today but I've got to keep up a two comics per day pace! So, you know, maybe you should skip this one.

Last issue ended with Khalid's father being attacked by a bald man on his way to the airport. It's probably Wotan because comic book stories constantly repeat themselves and rarely give their readership anything new. Companies think we'll be super excited simply because we're reading something we recognize. I don't blame them because comic book fans are complete assholes when anything they're used to changes in any way. Although those fans probably aren't reading this version of Doctor Fate because it's not Kent Nelson. So if that has changed, I suppose Levitz is free to change whatever he wants! Now I'm excited to find out who Doctor Fate's new nemesis is! I hope it's some character I recognize!

As Khalid drags his dad from the crashed cab, Anubis shows up to lay claim to his "blood price." I guess there's a cost to wearing the helmet. I think the cat mentioned it last issue after Khalid had already put it on. And since Anubis can't have Khalid's dad, it decides to crash a plane.

Oh, fuck science! Just wave your wand or whatever!

Khalid, being a med student, failed aeronautics and spellcasting so he only manages to land the plane sort of safely. But the Helmet of Thoth reminds Khalid that "It's wind over the wings that helps the plane fly!" Thanks for the science lesson, ancient mystic helmet! How about you just stick to giving people access to the land of the dead and slowly taking over their psyches?

Enough people must have died in the plane crash because Anubis goes away sated. I hope he gets hit by a semi truck as he heads back to the land of the dead.

After Khalid sees his dad safely to the hospital and Khalid's girlfriend Shaya refuses to have sex with him, the Helmet of Thoth transports Khalid to some mystic realm to learn about ancient Egypt from his priest Nabu.

Just accept it and be Doctor Fate already. One and a half issues is enough time wasted for the audience to believe he's having a tough time coping.

Khalid reluctantly puts on the helmet again to go outside and fight some stray dogs. This might be the most exciting Doctor Fate yet! He even manages to defeat the pack of dogs with only a severe laceration to his ankle! He might be ready to face Satan himself now! I mean Anubis! That was probably culturally insensitive of me to use the wrong landlord of hell.

Luckily for Khalid, his ankle heals because of magic! Unless it's because of the wind over his ankle? Biology was my worst course in college because it was so boring. I'd already mastered my body by my twenties! I knew that if you put food in your mouth, you would get energy to do all the really awesome biological stuff your body can do. You know the stuff! The baby stuff! You should describe it in detail in a message to me so I can see if you know what I'm talking about! Don't hold back anything in your description!

After Khalid realizes the helmet has the power of healing without having to study, he becomes the greatest doctor in the world! Doctor Fate! But first he'll have to avoid drowning because Anubis's flood is bearing down on him as the issue ends.

Doctor Fate #2 Rating: No change. I kind of hate that I gave this blog the semblance of a review site by listing DC's comics from best to worst. Because then when I do an entry like this one, it seems like I'm not even trying to do a review! And that's because I'm not trying! This was never meant to be a review site! It's just a place for me to say what happens in each comic so that when the next issue comes out in a month, I can reread the commentary on the previous issue and remember what was happening. This blog is only here because my memory is terrible! So if you want a real review of this mediocre comic book, you should go to Nerds Talk About Comic Books or wherever. They'll probably even tell you what to think of the art. Hell, sometimes they even describe how well the letterer does his or her job! That just seems ludicrous! I figure the letterer is doing a good job if I don't talk about the letterer! If I do mention the letterer in my commentary, it's because the letterer completely fucked something up. Although now that I mentioned the Letterer, the font in Doctor Fate is thin and weak and crappy. I don't like it at all!

Justice League #42

"Only one chance to save Lex! Must...fellate...out...the...bullets!"

In the first part of The Darkseid War, The Justice League were defeated by Grail because they pulled that classic boner where they didn't fight as a team but as individual heroes taking turns. That's always how the bad guy wins in the first round! Now Batman will have to round them all up and give them a speech about how they must work together. An alternative could have been that they all disagreed on how to defeat Grail and approached the battle with different tactics. Then they would have to agree to put aside their differences for round two. "Putting aside their differences" means "listening to Batman."

This issue starts off just like my caption on the cover promised!

Superman's blow job eye contact is intense.

Superman and Lex Luthor are currently on Apokolips because Lena Luthor shot them and sent them there via BOOM Tube. She works for Darkseid now. Soon everybody will work for Darkseid. Or the Anti-Monitor who is currently on Earth-Main-Earth having been summoned by Power Ring and Grail. I might not be very clear on the particulars of the plot but I think Darkseid and the Anti-Monitor want to destroy Earth-Main-Earth simply because it's there. Somehow it's an affront to their greatness.

Oh look! Steppenwolf is as confused as I am! Now we'll get an answer straight from the Geoff Johns' mouth via Darkseid's!

Except Darkseid doesn't answer. Desaad just says, "For him. For Darkseid." Which then leaves me with the only possible reason for this war no matter how cynical: spectacle. It's all just a great big spectacle to have the Justice League battle two of the biggest, baddest villains in the entire DC Youniverse. Although after the Justice League win the war, where do they go from there? Any battle after this one will seem like a delicious piece of cake by comparison. Unless the Justice League loses! That's a possibility because then it will seem normal if they go back to fighting villains sent up from the minors. Darkseid and the Anti-Monitor can defeat each other while the Justice League lie around the battlefield unconscious and nearly dead. Except for Wonder Woman who will be lying about unconscious and nearly dead and in a super sexy position. Mark my words!

Back on Earth, Wonder Woman meets the Anti-Monitor. But she doesn't get much more than an "I am desperate" out of him before Metron arrives to BOOM Tube the Justice League to safety. Well, good thing they're safe! Just leave the Earth to the Anti-Monitor and Grail though. I'm sure it's in good hands.

Grail and Mobius the Anti-Monitor have their own discussion about the reasons for this war!

That didn't clear up anything either.

I must have just forgotten the reason for the war which was probably in the Free Comic Book Day comic, Divergence #1. So I should probably reread that so I can be reminded that Myrina Black is the Amazon mother of Grail who wanted a war to destroy the father of her child. I guess to protect her child? And why does she want to protect such an evil monster? Just because it's her child? I've heard that the bond between parent and child is usually pretty strong and nonsensical. Maybe I'm not supposed to care why everybody is fighting this war. I think I'm just supposed to be excited about it. For some reason.

Mister Miracle pays a visit to Myrina Black to get the final answer on why this war is happening. It's like this! Myrina Black knew that someday Darkseid would enslave Earth. How she knew who Darkseid was, I don't know! But her plan was to seduce Darkseid, have his child, convince his child to find somebody in the universe who could kill Darkseid, bring that somebody to Earth, lure Darkseid to Earth, and destroy most of the Earth in the ensuing battle that will kill Darkseid so that he can't enslave the Earth. Seems like a great plan!

Metron rescued the Justice League to tell them that they can't save the Earth and that they should flee from it if they want to live. I suppose Metron just likes watching the Justice League in action because why else would he bother to save them? Nobody in the Justice League believes that they can't stop the destruction of the Earth, so Wonder Woman pulls Metron out of his chair so that Batman can sit in it. Once Batman realizes that the chair knows everything, he asks it a question to calibrate it and then asks it the most important question he can think of!

Jesus Christ, you clown obsessed freak! Ask about the cure for cancer! How about a way to stop aging?! Ask it for a foolproof way to keep everybody safe from random violence! At the very least, ask it how to win Selina Kyle's heart without, you know, being sweet and kind and loving to her. Ugh! Too difficult!

After he learns The Joker's secret identity (which we'll probably never see him deal with after this war is over!), Batman declares that he's a god. Well, at least the chair gave him the confidence to vocalize what he already believed.

Justice League #42 Rating: No change. I'd probably enjoy this comic book more if I just sat back and shut up. Who cares why this is all happening? I should just be thankful that Earth is in so much trouble so that I can see the Justice League rise to the challenge! Maybe I'll get really drunk before reading the next issue. That usually helps me to enjoy broad entertainment.

Secret Six #4

Are they living in the suburbs of Grand Theft Auto?

I have a confession to make. When I drive a car around in Grand Theft Auto, I cannot not run directly into anybody riding a motorcycle. It's so satisfying! I think I have some internal rage stemming from all of those bumper stickers telling me to fucking share the road and preemptively blaming me and other car drivers for killing motorcyclists. Hmm. Now that I've typed that sentence, I think a bigger problem with me is that I get angry at stupid bumper stickers! The bumper stickers I get especially angry at are the ones having a dialogue with other bumper stickers! Like that Jesus fish eating the atheist fish! Also the atheist fish alone! It doesn't make sense! And how about those idiots driving around proclaiming their dog is smarter than somebody's kid? And...and...those zombie families that proclaim they've eaten your stick figure family! Maybe I need some immersion therapy! I should get a bumper sticker that says, "My other car was impounded after purposely killing a motorcyclist with it."

Oh! I know! I'll get a sticker across the front of my hood in backwards font that reads SHARE THIS!

That was probably the least interesting confession I could have made. "Hey! I run people over in a video game and I thoroughly enjoy it!" Like, who doesn't? What's the secret?!

Anyway, last issue we learned some pretty interesting tidbits about the Secret Six. They were really important tidbits too! The kind you don't normally discover in Issue #3 of any comic book unless it's a three issue mini-series. I suppose it isn't as surprising when you realize that three issues of Secret Six took about ten years to come out, so something had to be revealed to keep everybody's attention (I only said I was going to be magnanimous and avoid the topic of delays in the last commentary!). Those revelations were (SPOILER WARNING if you haven't read Issue #3 although if you're reading a commentary on Issue #4 before reading Issue #3 than I'm guessing you don't really care. And now I'm soured on Spoiler Warnings and will never use them again because they're never appreciated) that Mockingbird is The Riddler and Big Shot is Ralph Dibny, The Elongated Man. The best part about The Elongated Man secretly being Big Shot is that he won't be wearing that stupid fucking uniform.

I wonder if Sue is buried in the garden?

All that paper is doing is getting in the way of Big Shot's mouth! Free hand that feces-covered cock substitute, Dibny!

If Dibny weren't just using his powers to make himself grow bigger (much like Phat from X-Statix. Do I sense a Mavel-DC crossover lawsuit pending?!), he'd probably eat that dog in one bite by wrapping his lips around its thick shaft and swallowing. No wait. That's probably more like something Plastic Man would do.

How embarrassing must it be for Plastic Man to be the "less dignified" stretching super hero? I suppose Jimmy Olsen was even worse though. You know, way back when Ralph would share his Gingold with him.

Big Shot and Catman return to the rest of the six waiting outside Porcelain's apartment in a van.

Especially coming at the end of a right-hand page, this beat is timed perfectly as the reader realizes everybody is accounted for except Ferdie!

I haven't turned the page yet because I'm soaking in the anticipation of whatever great perversion Ferdie is engaged in with Alice. I bet he's tempting her with both sides of the Peanut Butter Twix bar as he declares in two opposing statements that each half is the half he likes best.

Ferdie isn't acting perverse at all! Aside from looking up Alice's skirt which I think is just a natural tendency because glimpses of panties are so exciting! And Alice's are the only panties probably worth looking at because Shauna most assuredly wears only cobwebs down there and Porcelain is currently wearing boxers and Strix will fucking kill you. What's the secret?!

The team realizes they're being followed but Big Shot doesn't make a big deal about it because he's one of the bad guys! Or the good guys? He's straddling both worlds!

Oh! Oh! I know the secret! Project: Mockingird is six secret teams of six villains each! Which means Gail Simone is going to be writing 36 DC characters in this series!

The first half of this secret team is obviously Ragdoll, Scandal, and Scandal's little brother, Randall. I hope one of the teams features Brother Power the Geek and Ambush Bug!

Turning the page, I discover there's more to the scene with Ragdoll and his goggle-eyed buddies which offers more proof for my guess that there are six secret teams! Maybe they don't all have to contain six people though. This three person team could be one team. Maybe they're teams of one, two, three, four, and you get the pattern. Unless you're dumber than a raccoon which is likely in about 30% of you reading this.

I might be one of those thirty percent because I'm not an archaic gangster and had to look up "moll." Although after looking it up, I was all, "Oh yeah! I knew that! One time." And then I punched my brain for being old.

That panel confused me in another way at first too! I was wondering why he was naming birds for his moll's codename. I thought maybe The Riddler had a Robin fetish as well. I thought he should be suggesting names like "Knock Knock" or "Dirty Limerick" or "Fucking Piece of Shit Puzzle Box That Doesn't Fucking Open No Matter What You Fucking Try Goddammit!" Then I realized he's playing off of Mockingbird. I should go live in the garbage and let the raccoons have my apartment.

Back in the suburbs, Big Shot's home is lined with gnomes. Strix falls in love with one and Ferdie takes one on as his wingman so they can go do unspeakable things to the neighborhood children's dolls. I hope Strix's gnome remains part of the team even after they move on from Big Shot's little pink tiny box.

Catman smells the genders of the three people following them and it's two women and one man so I guess Randall didn't make the cut. I guess Vandal's son will have to continue to live in obscurity until I can make believe he exists at another time.

Catman has a problem with his sniffer because, judging by my cats, he should have noticed the cookies first.

Although I don't think they'd be into Pecan Sandies. Although I only eat those by dipping them in milk and the cats go fucking nuts if they hear a milk container being looked at.

The Six decline to go to prison for a year so a battle takes place over cookies. Ragdoll calls out, "Dibs on the living merkin!" Which one is that?! It could be Shauna because she is quite the frumpy disaster, although who would want her near their genitals? But since Ragdoll tackles Catman, I'll assume it was him because Ragdoll figures Catman spends most of his time sitting on genitals.

As the battle progresses, Scandal puts on her claws so everybody knows it's her. And the last of the three mentions banshees and some of her white hair falls out, so I guess that's Jeanette? Did I spell that right? I've never read the first Secret Six because I was on a comic book hiatus when it came out. But I have the first two of the new trades sitting in a pile of things that I'll eventually read if I don't get hit by a bus or arrested for running down people on motorcycles.

We still don't know the most important thing in this comic book! What is the kitten's name?! What is the secret?!

The fight ends inconclusively as everybody just winds up being too polite and feeling too awkward to continue. If only Superman and Batman were more like these assholes! Before leaving, Scandal invites everybody to an LGBTQ Mixer and Jeannette tells them that one of them is going to die. See, she's a banshee and I guess she accidentally screamed while baking the cookies and now Strix's time is up but Jeannette didn't want to blame the cookies so she pretended to have some kind of Banshee Death Sense which is totally ludicrous! Except Strix isn't the one I think will die. I have a bad feeling Ferdie is going to be introduced to a woodchipper. But he'll be back in a new body, probably!

Secret Six #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. How is it that DC can publish comic books as good as this and Grayson and Gotham Academy and Batman but they can't figure out how to write Superman?! He's like the superest easiest character to write! How come a perverse talking doll is more fun to read than Superman? Okay, right, I think that's always been the case. Maybe Superman needs to be a bit more perverse? If people were angry at Superman for being an unrepentant perv, at least I'd understand why everybody was turning on him right now in that awful Truth story arc. I'd totally support that story! Maybe when Lois switched desks with Clark without his knowing, she could have found many gigs of upskirt and x-ray vision pics on his Daily Planet computer! That's why she exposed him to the world! Maybe that's how things went down since readers still don't know the whole story and won't until Superman #44 is published in a couple of months. I hope that's what it turns out to be. I probably shouldn't be talking about Superman here. I should probably be saying Secret Six is as good as everybody expected it to be. I would say you should go read it but you're probably already reading it. Who needs me to tell them what to do anyway?!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #19

Apparently Cheetah sprays when she gets scared.

Last issue ended with the Suicide Squad ambushing Superman and Wonder Woman in the Smallville Cemetary [sic (see Superman #4)]. I'm sort of hoping that they manage to kill Clark and put him out of his misery. This whole Truth, Justice, and the American Way story arc is the worst. It's even worse than George Perez's first arc in The New 52 Superman (an arc so bad that he abandoned it himself!).

Judging by the initial dialogue of the Squad members and the fact that Captain Boomerang is using actual boomerangs instead of energy boomerangs (plus he calls them "'rangs" which is just terrible), my guess is that this is a fake Suicide Squad! They're Doublegangers! Even Black Manta doesn't act like himself, standing back and not telling everybody else what to do. And why didn't Deadshot just snipe them from across the cemetary [sic]? Because he's a Doubleganger!

This is going to be a really short commentary because this fight with awful dialogue is taking up a lot of pages. Here's some of the worst stuff:

Ha ha! "But this is!" Classic Wonder Woman.

Can somebody run a brain scan on Peter Tomasi? This can't be the same guy who wrote all of those wonderful issues with Damian and Bruce and Alfred and Dick! I think there's something seriously wrong with him. It's either that or he feels the same way as I do about this shitty Superman story arc. Maybe he's rebelling against it by writing the worst comic books of his life! I can get behind that! Maybe I can enjoy this comic book by realizing that it's exactly as bad as Tomasi wants it to be. It's sabotage!

During the fight, Deadshot shoots up Clark with high-velocity, armor-piercing shells but he manages to take the assault in stride. So he's a lot more invulnerable than he'd like people to think. I have a feeling Superman is currently just strong enough to beat any enemy he needs to beat or just invulnerable enough to survive a battle he has to lose. It's so convenient when the audience has no idea just how much power Superman has lost recently.

The Suicide Squad is beaten and, lucky for them, Superman and Wonder Woman leave without taking them into custody for attempted murder. Why not just leave a bunch of dangerous super villains lying around in Smallville, right? I don't see any reason Superman would care! Nobody loves him anymore anyway. If those old bastards in front of the Barber Shop are murdered by Captain Boomerang seeking revenge for the beating, they probably deserve it.

After Wonder Woman pulls the bullets from Superman's body with her bare fingers, he tells her that he needs to go visit the White House.

I just don't fucking get it. Why is Superman tainted? What the hell happened? He'd better wind up blowing up an orphanage at the end of Superman #44!

As far as I can tell, everybody is angry with Superman for maintaining a secret identity. Are they all characters from Arrow? Their feelings are hurt because Superman lied to them? When did that become such a huge issue in stories? I guess that's how the second act break-up always happens in Rom-Coms, right? "You lied to me! I hate you!" But then they get back together by the third act because of some grand apology or romantic gesture. So is Superman going to have to make a mix tape for the people of Earth? Then will everything be alright?

Superman beats up the Secret Service and walks in on the president. Not in a rude way! He totally knocks and waits to be invited in and all! I bet it's not even the president. I bet Lex Luthor has been hired to take the president's place because he can best negotiate with/threaten Superman.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #19 Rating: No change. The only reason I'm not giving this comic book a whole bunch of negative ratings which it deserves is because it's still better than Batman Loves Superman. But just barely! They can languish together at the bottom of the rankings. I spit on them!