Doctor Fate #16

This had better be the last Goddamned issue! We've got a Rebirth happening, Dr. Late!

The Commentary!
• This issue begins with the sun not rising when it's supposed to rise. At least not in New York. I'm assuming the other side of the world has the opposite problem because I'm quite the scientific-minded person. I know how all of that sky garbage works and shit. Except this comic book is based on magic and not science so maybe the Earth didn't stop revolving since that would cause a whole host of other problems that might interfere with life on Earth. Like how everybody would fly against every wall as the Earth stopped, even if their mothers put out their arms to keep them from smashing their face into whatever she was also smashing her face into. Perhaps the magic antagonist just pulled down some space blinds. I'm sure Doctor Fate will sort it all out before the comic book is over.

• I wish this comic book were over! It hasn't been very good except for the few times it's been sort of not bad.

For some reason, Alan Moore makes a cameo. Those other people might be caricatures of famous people as well but I don't recognize them.

• The real Doctor Fate, Kent Nelson, and not the reluctant Doctor Fate who still probably thinks somebody slipped some acid in his tea, heads off to investigate a setting sun in a nearby park. It's probably a waste of time because if it were the Earth's missing sun, it would be too big to fit in a park. So it's probably somebody else's lost sun. Best to not get involved.

• It turns out Osiris is in the park and he wants his helmet back. But when he goes to get it, he finds Khalid has powerful friends like Bastet and I think Coyote and I think the Archangel Gabriel and I think Mohammad except there's no way it could be Mohammad because he was drawn on paper and everything. So it was probably a different prophet who really shouldn't have been drawn either. I mean, I'm sure Sonny Liew isn't Muslim so it's not like there's any reason he can't draw an image of a prophet of Allah! I mean, except for the reason that he probably doesn't want to be killed by some asshole who thinks everybody needs to follow the tenets of a religion they're not a part of.

• Anyway, Osiris lets Khalid live. Khalid is all, "I didn't even have to do anything! This gig is great!" But the readers are all, "Dude, Doctor Fate didn't even do anything! This comic book is terrible!"

The Ranking!
-1! And I'm going easy on it! Especially since this isn't even the final issue! I can't understand how this thing made it sixteen issues! I mean, even Ann Nocenti's Katana went six issues. So I guess compared to that pile of dog vomit, this one deserves ten more issues.

Doctor Fate #15

The Review!
This issue begins by making the reader think the real threat is a bunch of mummies. But in actuality, it is woman who is the enemy! I suppose "mummy" is a play on "fucking bitches, amirite?"

Exhibit A: Khalid believes women are mind-controlling manipulators who demand constant attention!


Exhibit B: Kent believes they are fearful, wrath-filled monsters who will make your life hell if you fail them.

Now that readers unambiguously understand the metaphor at play in this issue, I will assume that any comment about mummies is simply Paul Levitz and Sonny Liew's thoughts on women. Khalid first describes them as inarticulate. Just a bunch of blabbering monsters with nothing important to say! I mean, I suppose if Khalid would open up his male ears and really give what they were saying a listen instead of listening to the women around him while his mind screams "Blah blah blah blah blah!", maybe he wouldn't think women were just stumbling around the city going, "Unnnnnhhhhhhhhhh!" Maybe if their mouths weren't wrapped up and gagged by the bandages of the Patriarchy, Khalid would be able to hear what they were saying! Maybe they're the most articulate and men are just cavemen who language not good for. Oops! Sorry! I didn't mean to swing the pendulum that far to the other side and begin bashing men just to uplift women. We're all in this together! We need to lift everybody up together! You know what they say: A rising tide lifts all boats! Except, of course, for the boats with really short chains on their anchors. Those boats just get swamped by the rising tide and sink. I don't think you're supposed to think about that though when you hear the rising tide advice.

Khalid does mention that the "mummies" are "not ineffective." That's a compliment, right? I should use that one next time I see a woman accomplish something great. I'll be all, "Wow! You're totally not ineffective!"

Exhibit C: Just in case you didn't get the analogy from Exhibits A and Exhibits B! We can't all be Grandmaster Comic Book Readers! And by "we," I mean "you."

The women are completely overrunning the park while Dr. Fate tries to find Shaya, his girlfriend who won't have sex with him. That might be why he's so angry at women. She's all, "We need to be responsible and concentrate on medical school and we don't want any life choice mistakes messing up our plans!" And Khalid is all, "Come on. Just touch it!"

Meanwhile his neighbor Akila who can't think of anything but touching it is worming her way into his parents' hearts. So manipulative! She's pretending to be concerned about racism and organizing a march which she wants Khalid's parents to be involved in but it's so transparent that she's just trying to get Khalid's parents to like her so that they convince their son that she's the one he should marry. These mummies are so inarticulate and manipulative and frigid and whores too! Um, is what, um, Paul Levitz probably thinks based on what I'm reading here.

See? "Very adult work!" That's porn! Also note how sexist Mohammad Nassour is: "In these difficult times, we must be grateful to you women! Even if we don't want to be! Ptui!" He, um, was probably thinking.

Khalid, as Doctor Fate, saves Shaya and she's completely ungrateful. Not that she needs to be grateful or owes Doctor Fate anything like sex or whatever else women have of value. But it certainly shows Khalid's attitude toward Shaya. She treats him like shit during the entire rescue (perhaps because she finds him a bit presumptuous? And who needs to have some guy presuming shit right after you almost had your head ripped off by a mummy (or another woman, if I keep to the metaphor? Analogy? Transposition?) and all he can think after dropping her off is, "Well, she would have been sweet and not a total dick if she'd known it was me!"

The real Dr. Fate arrives to turn the women into dust which seems really misogynistic so maybe they were just mummies all along. Maybe I was just reading this story through the lens of my own sexism. Maybe I should work on my flaws instead of trying to point out those same flaws in other people. Maybe I should...what am I saying?! I'm an Internet denizen! The main reason to be on the Internet is to ignore your own flaws while pointing out or just plain making up flaws in other people! I'm fine!

And speaking of fine, this comic book has gotten way better than when it began although I still wouldn't really recommend it. Maybe if you're into Dr. Fate or you hate women. If you are, this comic book still hasn't ended. It's totally defying Rebirth!

Doctor Fate #12

Deez nuts!

The Review or Whatever!
All of Khalid's dreams (and mine!) are about to come true by the end of this issue as Kent Nelson arrives to take back the Helm of Fate! For twelve issues, Khalid has questioned his sanity and refused to be the hero Nabu was looking for. For twelve issues, he also refused to have sex with his neighbor, Akila. Constantly she was coming over and saying things like, "Khalid! Do you have time to plumb my gantry?" And Khalid would be all, "What? No? What are you talking about?" And she would be all, "Khalid! Could you come help me! My fertile crescent is flooding!" And Khalid would be all, "Maybe you're hallucinating. Leave me alone!" And she would be all, "Khalid! I have three fingers in and have started without you!" And Khalid would be all, "Do you have a concussion? What do I care about your fingers?" And she would be all, "Khalid! Put your cock inside my asshole!" And Khalid would be all, "I must be dreaming because I thought you just asked me to perform sodomy on you. Now stop calling me!"

You know what? Don't listen to anything in that last paragraph because I actually made this comic book sound way more interesting than it actually is. The reluctant hero bit can work but I think the hero has to realize that the things happening around them are really happening. The whole denial angle got old fast because how many times can you deny your sultry neighbor's sexual advances before the whole comic book just becomes totally unrealistic? Once only, I would think! Maybe Akila will have better luck getting Ken Nelson's pants off!

Doctor Fate #11

Where's Perry White when you need him?

The Review!
I accidentally purchased two copies of this issue because my local comic book store is either full of sadists or smart ass practical jokers. Last week, I didn't consult my list of new comics closely enough and just made sure the number of comic books was the same as the number I was expecting. Lo and behold, it was! But I should have known something was up because Black Canary came out that week and my comic book store never fucking puts Black Canary into my subscription box. Instead they put in another copy of this fucking book. I don't mind taking the $2.24 (after discount!) hit. What I'm really worried about is that DC will think that this book sold more copies than it really should have and think that it's gaining in popularity! I suppose that won't happen since the book was already purchased by my book store and that's all that matters. Fuckers just figured out a way to get this shit out of their inventory by pawning it off on me! Bastards. Do I really need a proper review after the previous statements? I believe I've made my opinion on this book clear.

Doctor Fate #10

Doctor Fate isn't quite as imposing as he used to be.

Rating: Still ranked at 43 out of 51 DC Comics. This is one of those DC Comics where I'm just waiting for it to end. The entire premise seems to be "What if Doctor Fate were a boring, risk-averse medical student who lived at home with his parents?" It seems strange that nobody could have answered that question with "everybody would be bored" before putting out ten issues of this slog. How does DC not know that what sells is adorableness? You know the kinds of characters people wind up thoroughly loving? The kind who they either want to be or want to fuck (sometimes both!). And I don't mean "fuck" literally. I suppose I could have said "have some kind of weird crush on" but then I'd still have to explain further that the crush doesn't necessarily have to be romantic either and that sometimes it's just a strange longing to be near the character that you don't quite understand. I figured it would be easier to just say fuck.

• I couldn't remember what was happening in this comic book until I turned to the first page. And then I only vaguely remembered what the current plot was. The things I remember are these: Khalid won't fuck the neighbor who desperately wants to fuck him; Khalid won't fuck his girlfriend who desperately wants to fuck him; Khalid didn't really give a fuck about his cat drowning in the flood. Those are also three reasons why I don't like this Doctor Fate.

• Doctor Fate has discovered that Egyptian ghosts are keeping people prisoner beneath the Egyptian Consulate. Although the way the comic has been going, maybe "discovered" is too strong a word. It's more likely that he believes he's hallucinating the ghosts and the prisoners and the helmet and his entire life. Also he might believe he's dreaming it or he's gone insane. Accepting reality isn't one of his strong suits.

See? Insanity! While I've got a few people's attention, I'd like to point out that color fade in the Narration Boxes of DC Comics? It might be my own ego and narcissistic tendencies but I'm fairly certain DC made that change during The New 52 because they got tired of my photoshopped Narration Boxes making their way around the internet and making their characters look like idiots. Not that it's stopped me. It's just more difficult to swap letters around when the background is a gradient and not a solid color.

• Doctor Fate is battling the ghosts in the basement of the Egyptian Consulate. So when he brings the roof down to crush some ghosts, it shows he hasn't thought about a single aspect of this battle.

• While Doctor Fate battles ghosts to save some protesters, the two women who want to be in his bed are desperately trying to find him. Maybe the earlier flood was a metaphor for the desire of these women? Have I been missing the entire subtext of this comic book?! Is it more fascinating than I realized? Is everything Khalid going through a metaphor for becoming an adult with responsibilities and sexual partners and leaving the toys of childhood behind? Probably not.

• Doctor Fate frees the protesters but is then caught by Roman ghosts and taken before Caeser's Ghost to be punished. I suppose this is probably just another dream.

• I would go back through this series and read it as a young man navigating the path to adulthood but I found it too boring to read the first time through. At one point in this issue, his father says, "[Khalid] is much too busy changing...becoming American...a doctor...whatever he'll be." Later he goes within himself, seeing glimpses of his family's past, and thinks, "But I'm mom too...why isn't any of that in me...or any of my own time, my own world...America...". So see? There's evidence that this is all a metaphorical trip into adulthood and one's own sense of self. I suppose if I were getting paid for this, I'd spend a few work days rereading Doctor Fate and writing about it from this angle. But I'm not so I'll just go back to waiting for this comic book to end.

Doctor Fate #6

I can't believe this many previous Doctor Fates were less capable than the reluctant tool currently wearing the helmet.

I know I'm going to be so bored reading this comic book that I should probably read something even more boring beforehand so it feels exciting and fresh. Come here, poetry of Rudyard Kipling! Let's see..."The Nurses" seems to be a salute to the ten thousand hours principle where the nurse, engineer, and ship's captain all use only forty percent of their brain when performing their tasks, saving the entire brain power for when things really get out of control, like when the nurse has to shake the baby to be quiet or the engineer is being screamed at by his boss and runs the train off the rails, or when the ship's captain is shitting himself because he hit that iceberg and his stupid fucking brain is expending 100% of its power screaming, "Captains go down with their ships! Captains go down with their ships! Captains go down with their ships!"

I also use only forty percent of my brain! Some people think that's a lot but then they're idiots who believe all of that shit about people only utilizing twelve percent of their brain power or whatever fucking bullshit number they've heard. It would seem stupid of evolution to continue to expand the powers of our brain while not allowing us to actually access any of that power unless we take a magic fantasy pill. What would be the point?! How would brains that have more abilities that can't be tapped somehow allow for better chances at passing along that person's big, useless brain genes?! Unless it's tied to a genetic marker for big cocks! That would totally be understandable.

Oh shut up, you Coast to Coast AM listeners! I hear you fucking mumbling under your breath at me! Saying stupid shit about how maybe we used to use more of our brain power when we were all magic fairy shaman bastards in touch with the reality that isn't really a reality because just fucking look around you, asshole! Now, I'm certain there is more to this universe than we know. That seems obvious since science still doesn't have answers for everything and mysteries are still all around us. But here's the thing, you illogical rodents. Just because you come up with a theory in your head about why something science doesn't understand is the way it is, that doesn't make your theory true. Or even possibly true. Or even not complete fucking nonsense. Your theories are not scientific theories. Your theories are what is called "idle speculation." I don't listen to Coast to Coast AM anymore because of that "AM" part. My car radio has decided to go with the life philosophy of "What the fuck is AM? That sounds fake." But I still do listen to Art Bell! Recently a woman called up and said something like, "You know how DNA has all those genes that nobody knows what they do and so they're referred to as junk DNA? Well, I have a theory that they house the memories of all of our past lives!" Luckily the guest was Dr. Michio Kaku so he could point out how many fucking neurons and connections in the brain it takes to store memories and how little actual information can be housed on our genes. He was definitely more diplomatic than I would have been since my answer would have been simply laughing for five minutes.

On a related note, I had to ask Lord Google Michio Kaku's name because I'm horrible at remembering names. Luckily Lord Google is just the right percentage of racist that I could simply type in "Japanese physicist" and Lord Google is all, "Oh. You mean Michio! Here's his complete bio since that's obviously the person you were asking about. Tut tut!"

The next Rudyard Kipling poem I'm going to read is called "We and They". But I just had enough minor racism in my night thanks to Lord Google (I'm not owning my own part in figuring "Japanese physicist" would obviously be enough information to get the right name!), so I'd better just set the poetry book down and deal with Kipling's thoughts of "we" and "they" later. For now, Doctor Fate!

Previously, nothing much fucking happened. Khalid got a helmet. Khalid spent five issues thinking his strawberry milk was spiked with LSD. Then he went blind and his nemesis--a stray dog--has gone off to drown the world. I predict Doctor Fate continues to believe he's dreaming and the world will end while the neighbor lady masturbates furiously.

Or did it heal you?! Maybe you just imagined it! Or the injury! Or everything?!

Khalid can't even put the helmet on his head. What this comic book teaches is that you don't have to be a hero to eventually not be a hero. Just fucking give up and remain a weak, boring asshole. But if you choose to do that, I have a suggestion to make! Don't make a comic book about it!

Oh fuck you! Accept your stupid fate, Doctor Dumbfuck!

This guy doesn't deserve to be enrolled in any college which believes in science. I can understand disbelieving some stuff when your world goes completely wonky. But day after day of this bullshit with talking cats and floating helmets and murderous dogs and world ending floods and did I mention the helmet also talks as well as flies? I get it. This is pretty crazy shit. If it were happening in the real world! But this is taking place in the DC Youniverse! I have to imagine that Khalid has heard of a few superheroes over the last eight or nine years, right?! He has to understand that his universe has a place for magic and weirdness! I can't accept a person in the DC Youniverse who is as cynical and stubborn as I am in this, the probably real, universe! It's like zombie movies where everybody is all, "Aaah! What is happening? The dead are walking! What should we call them that isn't the word everybody has been calling them for years?!" At least in Shaun of the Dead, they knew about fucking zombies! I mean, they knew about "fucking as an intensifier" zombies and not "fucking as let's have intimate relationships with these" zombies.

Paul Levitz has no idea what he's doing with this comic book. There. I said it. I have no based-in-evidence faith in him! For five issues, Khalid has refused to recognize what is happening around him. It's the same story over and over again. I feel like I've purchased the same book five times in a row. Just like you're probably thinking, "It feels like I've read the same paragraph five times so far in this commentary!" Well, fuck you! You're going to read that ad nauseam (if that means what I think it means. It could mean "becoming sick over stupid fucking advertisements") until this book changes!

Here's an example of how Levitz just keeps treading water or vamping or buying time or whatever he's doing that keeps him repeating the same shit over and over. On page two, Khalid tries to pick up the helmet and put it on. He fails and falls down in the rain. On page three, Khalid wakes up in the dark, determines maybe he's dreaming or hallucinating (again!), and decides to put on the helmet. He's successful this time although why couldn't he have been successful on page two? Because he was in the wrong location and Levitz merely wanted to mysteriously move him into his bedroom between pages? With the helmet on his head, he can see again. When he takes it off, he's blind. Is that finally going to be the reason Khalid decides to keep the fucking helmet on his head?! Did Paul Levitz finally come up with a way to coerce his main character to be the title superhero?! As opposed to, you know, having Khalid excited about being a superhero?!

If you haven't noticed, I think this book is terrible. Everybody probably thinks this book is terrible. If you don't think it's terrible, you're terrible.

Khalid's dad also finds himself at home because that's where everybody needs to be for the story to not continue to have a plot.

Oh fucking gross. Knock it off! It's not that I'm against old people having sex! Or mixed race intimate relationships (or the type of person who would have even noticed the mixed race aspect of their relationship if...um...my racist neighbor hadn't just come by to borrow a cup of sugar and looked over my shoulder and said that horrible thing he said that I didn't even understand because I'm so not racist!)! But I am against somebody's parents fucking on the couch in the middle of the living room when their son might come down at any moment!

Khalid decides to keep the helmet on so that he can see while he takes a test online. He somehow copes just fine with floating books and magic eyesight. His girlfriend, Soon-to-be-Hawkgirl, continues to try to get him to protest stuff while his neighbor is still trying to fuck him. I understand why he doesn't want to bother with going out in the flood to protest but his neighbor is right down the hall! Someday (like when his girlfriend breaks up with him because he doesn't care enough about the world), Khalid is going to regret never banging the neighbor. She wants it so badly!

Meanwhile, Anubis the Stray Dog continues to destroy the world. He can't do it fast enough, in my opinion (which isn't humble at all because it's the greatest).

It's been time for five previous issues! What makes anybody think he's going to rise to the occasion this time?

Khalid chooses to confront Anubis but only after a factory falls on him. I think that finally gets him angry enough to go kick the shit out of that stray dog. Except it doesn't. He does choose to lecture it though. "Why are you being so meeeeeaaaaaan?!" To which Anubis answers, "SUCK EYE LASERS, DOUCHETER FATE!"

Meanwhile Khalid's parents continue to soil the couch. Ugh. At least I know my mother never soiled the couch in this way since I'm not sure she's had sex since I was conceived. Hmm. That's kind of sad. But I bet my sister soiled the couch with one of her gross boyfriends! Ew! Although I guess that's fair because I'm sure I masturbated on it while pausing some titty shot on a VHS copy of The Clan of the Cave Bear. Seriously though, my mom should have been grossed out by that entire house by the time I got through puberty.

The book ends with, at the very least, Doctor Fate trying to defeat Anubis. Of course he fails and the giant stray dog eats him. It's too bad this wasn't a six issue mini-series because I would be satisfied with this comic book ending this way.

Doctor Fate #6 Rating: -2 Ranking. Nobody needs to be reading this comic book. Nothing is happening. Reality is constantly being denied. A stray dog runs amok unhindered. Khalid's neighbor lies in bed throbbing and wet with the anticipation of a cock that is too busy being attached to a loser. I suppose if somebody was a big enough asshole to defend this comic book, they could point out that Doctor Fate and Anubis do finally battle at the end of this issue. But I would answer thus: "Um. what? I wasn't paying attention. You said 'Doctor Fate' and I just tuned out. Sorry." My recommendation to Doctor Fate fans is to stop reading this comic book and just wait until DC decides to reboot Doctor Fate in a more exciting incarnation. At this point, "more exciting" could mean that he simply gets a job delivering pizzas.

Doctor Fate #5

I don't want to read about any of these Doctor Fates. Unless he's breaking up with Shaya in the lower right panel.

Paul Levitz must be really good at pitching comic books to have gotten the green light on this comic book. How did he make a story of a guy who never accepts being a hero, whines constantly about how hard school is, and believes he's been drugged sound interesting? Unless Paul Levitz ended his Doctor Fate pitch meeting with Round Robin Blowjob Time, I don't see how anybody was interested in this story. Although I think Quentin Tarantino has pitched practically the same thing multiple times although he makes it sound exciting by having every character yell "nigger" as many times as possible. Was there some secret Black Panther Illuminati NAACP meeting where Tarantino was given a lifetime pass to use that word that I typed earlier but probably shouldn't type again because I don't have one of those passes?

I'm quite aware of this need that modern comic book writers have to call attention to aspects of comic books that the audience used to just accept. Why would a normal kid with a scientific mind accept a magic helmet at face value? Why would he just suddenly wear it and think, "Cool! I can do neat stuff!" That doesn't make sense, right? So how about four boring as fuck issues of the character failing to cope with his new circumstances? Maybe it's more believable but so is a medical student trusting his observations instead of constantly wondering how he got on so many drugs and who might have clandestinely slipped them into his Yoo-hoo. Plus Doctor Fate's archenemy is a stray dog. Yippee. I'm trembling with excitement! Unless that's syphilis. Does syphilis make you tremble?

And the very worst part? He doesn't fucking care that his cat is dead.

The cat tells him to put the helmet on, shut the fuck up, and save the world. Hopefully that will finally put an end to all the nonsense since this issue is called "Confrontation." I'm pretty sure that by using that word as the title, something exciting has to happen by the end of the issue.

Doctor Fate is still not entirely sure he has the magic figured out so he decides to start his new career slow and boring. He catches some guys looting a television. So now his enemies include not only a stray dog but some looters as well. It's just as boring as it sounds. Although imagine if this scene were written by Tarantino! Heads would be exploding! Time wouldn't flow in chronological order! N-words would be raining down all over the place! Teenaged white male readers would be jerking each other off over that comic book!

This is usually where I'd say some interesting and possibly funny stuff but why bother? Paul Levitz isn't really trying, so why should I? I'm nothing if not petulant!

Oh, by the way, here's where the sex scene would go if this comic book were interesting.

And this scene where nothing happens ends just before she puts her hand down the front of her pants.

Meanwhile, Khalid has made it home from stopping looters and prepares for bed. He gets in his pajamas. He brushes his teeth. He thinks about how he isn't really a hero and can't save the world. He ignores the texts from his horny neighbor. I'm not saying my life is any more exciting than this but at least I'm not charging anybody three dollars to hear about it. Would that work? Would anybody pay three dollars to hear about what I did last night? It's actually more interesting than this comic book and I don't even own a magic helmet.

Luckily before Khalid goes to sleep and dooms the world, the helmet tells Khalid where Anubis is so that a confrontation can take place. Finally! Currently Anubis is threatening Khalid's father. But it's time for the big fight! It's going to be so exciting! Here it comes! The moment this comic book has been building super slowly to! The magic battle of the century!

Goddammit!

Khalid's not sure what to do with his father. I don't think it matters because no matter how many panels Khalid speaks to him and calls him dad, his dad doesn't say a word. But the helmet suggests that Khalid maybe try sticking around and fighting the stray dog. Which, once again, makes Khalid question reality.

I get it, Paul! I fucking get it! He's fucking reluctant and this is too crazy to believe!

The stray dog gets really big and blames all the world's evil on man's love of technology. And then Doctor Fate gives up. He offers to give Anubis the helmet if he'll restore his father's eyes. Anubis decides he'd rather take Khalid's eyes instead.

Doctor Fate #5 Rating: -2 Ranking. So that was the big confrontation with Anubis? Khalid runs, gives up, and then trades away the helmet and his eyesight. You keep saying you're not a hero, Khalid? Well congratulations! You're not! You're a boring piece of shit who really should be fucking his neighbor right now. I suppose if your life is so boring that reading about a boring person's life would actually keep you entertained, maybe you'd like this comic book. But anybody who has Bagel Bites or Tater Tots in the freezer already has more entertainment value ready to go. Just pop those suckers in the oven and stare through the window to watch them cook for forty minutes. Fun! To increase enjoyment, masturbate while watching.

Doctor Fate #4

Symbolism!

Our economy is like seats on an airliner. The corporations we're all destined to be shackled to throughout our life decide how much leg space we have. We accept or never fly (I've chosen not to fly! For now!). If corporations treat their employees kindly, we have lots and lots of foot room! We don't need to recline our seats or anything. Although if we do choose to recline our seats, it doesn't bother the person behind us because we all have plenty of room. But if corporations are assholes because some old fuckfaced jelly bean lover tore down the tax rates on the upper, upper, upper end of income because he didn't truly believe in "trickle down" economics ("trickle down" was actually already happening because when somebody is getting taxed at a rate of 99% on the upper, upper, upper end of their income, instead of accepting that 1% and giving up 99% to the government, they tend to put it back into the company which means higher wages for employees, better benefits, Beer Fridays, etc.) and actually believed in putting more money into the bank accounts of the already extremely wealthy, then the space between seats is reduced to a really uncomfortable and limited area. Now the only way to feel comfortable is to recline your seat which only makes the person behind you more uncomfortable and forces them to make a decision as to whether or not they're going to recline and continue the cycle. Now the workers are all fighting for scraps. Also the drink service sucks because the flight attendants are rabid dogs who have never learned how to open cans because they can't stop biting people. Also they're afraid of liquids.

I hate analogies no matter how fun they are to use to point out to somebody something which is too complex to state plainly and also might not make your argument look so good. So it's always better to think up a situation that makes your side sound so patently obvious that the other person would be a moron to not agree with you. Then you just change the analogy back to the original situation and yell, "AHA! You do agree with me!" Hopefully the other person says "Yes, I guess I do!" rather than choosing to punch you in the face for being a huge smart ass.

What I'm trying to say is that removing the burden of huge taxes on the extremely wealthy's upper, upper, upper end of their income (and not, as advocates for tax breaks on the wealthy would have you believe, the burden of huge taxes on all of a wealthy person's income. Everybody, rich and poor, are taxed exactly the same amount as everybody else on the money they make (excluding loopholes). Learn how taxes work, assholes) has destroyed the middle class by teaching CEOs and other high ranking corporate bastards that more money is simply more money! So not only did money not get reinvested into corporations by the Trickle Down Myth, CEOs realized they could make even more money (now that it wasn't taxed away to nothing) by lowering wages, removing benefits, taking away Beer Fridays, and et cetera. America!

What does any of that have to do with Doctor Fate? Well, nothing. It's just that I hate people who use umbrellas because they're taking up more space on the streets than they need, sending water that should have gone onto their heads onto me instead, and often don't realize how many times they almost pop open passersby's eyes. Selfish bastards.

Currently, Kent is in class learning about science! I think he's learning about science. I'm not sure I'd stick with this class if my "Medicine, Genes, and Cells" professor told me that "Being a doctor is part science, part theater, and a hint of magician as..." (her dialogue box fades out but I think I got enough). I want a doctor who believes being a doctor is all science! I don't want her reciting Shakespeare or pulling a rabbit out of my colon! Drop the course, Kent!

Holy fuck! His cat died and you're telling him to buck up while misquoting Through the Looking-Glass?! Don't just drop that course! Drop Shaya too!

For most of the rest of the book, Khalid--or Kent, I guess--learns how to use the helmet. He decides to go pray to some ancient Gods at a rebuilt and restored (stolen) temple in some museum in Brooklyn. He seems to finally give in and accept that he needs to learn to use the helmet to save the world. Of course after learning a bit, he tries to give the helmet back and declares he's not strong enough to be Doctor Fate. Then he goes back to believing that the whole fucking thing is a hallucination or some kind of drug-induced paranoia.

The caterpillar never asked Alice to smoke anything. Stop getting Lewis Carroll books wrong.

I get it! Khalid doesn't want to be a hero! He's reluctant! How many issues are we going to waste on this wishy-washy behavior?! Better books than this have gone to their graves dillydallying like this. You've got your point across. Khalid is unsure about his ability! Now just force him into a fight with Anubis already.

Oh hey guys! Khalid doesn't want to be a hero!

The Sphinx tells Khalid that to defeat Anubis, he must give Anubis what he wants most in all the world. Beggin' Strips?

Khalid saves some people on the way home because that's what he should be doing, even if it was a pretty boring rescue and not something I'd want to read about every month. And then he begins to wonder how Anubis is destroying the world when Jesus and Allah have so many people worshiping them. Yeah! And what about Krishna?! And Buddha! And me! We're all way stronger than Anubis! And most of us other gods spend nearly zero percent of our lives licking our balls. It would be exactly zero percent but occasionally Krishna drips some butter on his balls and just goes to town. That guy just can't get enough of that stuff.

Khalid somehow comes to the conclusion that God helps those who help themselves. Which basically means God doesn't do shit. Hey, guess what I do! I help those who help themselves too! Fucking philanthropist right here! After Khalid has this revelation (with the help of remembering Oh God), Bast reappears and tells Khalid it is time to Fate up. And the Next Month Blurb says, "Confrontation". Bullshit! That's what it said at the end of the last issue! I'm not going to wait around for it much longer! It's not like I was promised a blow job!

Doctor Fate #4 Rating: -2 Ranking. Get on with the story, Levitz! So far you've written four issues of Khalid saying dopey shit like "Am I on drugs?" and "This can't be happening!" He's said it many different ways across several different panels throughout all four issues. I'm bored. I'm so fucking bored that I just broke the head off of my Doctor Fate Super Powers figure and screamed, "Do something! Just do something, asshole!" Now I'm sort of bummed that I did that because I don't think the Doctor Fate Super Powers Action Figure can actually do magic to restore itself.

Doctor Fate #3

This issue may as well read, "Young people! Why not pick up one of the comics to the right or left of this one instead?"

If I were to reboot Doctor Fate, it would be about a girl named Nell Kent at a Magic Camp who discovers a helmet in the props room as she digs around for ideas for her end of camp show. When she puts it on, she feels a little bit woozy and imagines she hears snoring somewhere in the distance. Nell ignores it and drags her props to a prep area backstage. Meanwhile, some kid on stage is doing a trick with a guillotine and cuts his hand off. As the kid begins to scream, Nell hears some loud snorting and a confused "What? What? Is someone hurt!" from inside of her head. She's suddenly possessed by an old, drunk doctor who rushes out and sews the kid's hand back on successfully! Nell can only think as the Doctor takes control of her body. But soon the two learn to work together because the old Doctor realizes he can be a glorious, successful surgeon again by using Nell's young body and steady hands! Of course they bicker a lot and Nell develops kidney problems from holding her pee while wearing the helmet because she doesn't want the Doctor to hear her piddling.

That comic book would probably run four issues before being cancelled and then I'd have to write a final story where Nell, wearing the helmet while the Doctor is completely inebriated, performs abdominal surgery and winds up leaving a sponge and a scalpel and a live dove inside of the patient. Or would it be funnier to leave one of those handkerchiefs that never ends inside? Probably best to just go with both! Anyway, Nell would be sued for malpractice and, because she's a minor, her parents would lose everything and they'd all wind up on the streets and Nell would throw the helmet in a trash can for the next host to find. Although we'd later discover (in a four issue miniseries published a year or two later) Nell would get invited to perform at the Magic Castle because they heard about her live dove in a stomach trick. She'd become wildly successful in the new four-issue Doctor Fate miniseries where the new host, a mentally ill man named Lenny Strauss, begins stalking the now famous Nell Kent due to the helmet's influence and need to be reunited with Nell's magic hands. That series wouldn't end with a good joke like the never-ending handkerchief out of somebody's butthole. Instead, it would be a huge disaster where lots of people die in meaningless ways without ever connecting emotionally with the readers. Everybody reading it would be totally disgusted by the unnecessary gore and violence and the pages infused with a slight scent of putrefaction, perturbed by the sense of hopeless anguish created by characters only motivated by their own deepest, sickest desires, and finally left never wanting to read another Doctor Fate story as long as they live. In other words, I would kill the whole franchise simply because I'm currently bored, three issues in, of Paul Levitz's new take on the character.

After two issues of being unable to figure out what's going on because a talking cat and magic helmet were just too irrational to be believed, Khalid finally comes to the only conclusion anybody ever comes to when the world insists on being a constant obstacle to our own wants and desires: "Fuck it. Whatever."

Don't worry, Khalid. Being a religious man, you already have the tools to deal with and accept the unscientific, the irrational, and the frigging impossible.

Khalid accepts the helmet into his heart and his life is changed forever. Now maybe he can tell everybody he meets, "Something was missing in my life. And that something was a magic helmet from Egypt with a distinct personality that tells me how to live my life. Now shit is totally chill! You really should accept Nabu as your helmet and life coach."

Khalid puts on the Helmet of Thoth and says, "Happy Birthday!" Then he sends all of the flood waters back into the ocean while Anubis sits watching from his lair while stroking a big fluffy cat. Anubis spins his chair away from the monitors on the wall and growls, "Nuts!" That would work better if Anubis were a squirrel. Pretend Anubis is a squirrel and read it again.

It's possible I was completely incorrect about Khalid accepting the helmet wholeheartedly. Seven pages in, after he's declared all of this weird crap began because of the helmet, and after he's flown about, and after he's forced a flood to recede, he still wants to believe he's dreaming. As he saves two people from being crushed by Anubis's Telekinetically Controlled Death Ship, Khalid wishes he were having a wet dream instead. I want that magic helmet! Screw the Doctor Fate and Doctor Chaos helmets! I want a Doctor Love helmet! It might gross everybody else out that I'm walking around constantly having sex fantasies but what do I care? I probably gross out everybody everywhere I go anyway! At least with the Doctor Love helmet, I'd have a boner!

Okay fine. You got me. Even without the helmet, I usually have a boner. But at least the helmet would cover my face so my family doesn't have to be embarrassed of me.

Good one, Khalid! Because The Exorcist and Jonathan Creek contain so many tips on real magic.

Khalid blows up the Death Ship and saves the day. I guess Anubis has run out of ideas for his plan to turn the world back into Ancient Egypt and so he gives up for the day. Khalid is allowed to go home and get some sleep so that he can wake up the next morning and proclaim, "What a crazy dream!"

Akila the neighbor lady who has the sensible hots for Khalid stops by to check on him and his mother the next morning. She asks Khalid if he's ready to dump that whore Shaya and begin dating a proper girl who wears a hijab. But Khalid is more into handjobs than hijabs so he just tells her to grow up and grumps back into his room to study.

Anubis has taken the night to gather together his pack of loyal dogs. He has a mission for them! They must hunt down a cat so that Anubis will have no obstacles before him. The pack of dogs are all, "Yeah! Yeah! We were born for that job!" Then they all rush out to get arrested by the Dog Police for not being on leashes while the cats run around without leashes and tags and lick their butts right in public without any care in the world. Cats must have great lobbyists! Besides, a city that makes a law against cats being part of the community and free to go where they will would be the most soulless city in the entire country. Although those fucking bird-lovers sure would love to put an end to communal cat living, those rat bastards. I don't know why they have a problem with cats being let out in nature. My cat only ever killed maybe ten to twenty birds a week while hanging out outside!

My current solo cat Pelafina doesn't go out much unless somebody is outside with her. She used to be a lot braver and even try to chase the downstairs neighbors' cats off of the property (mostly because I think she was jealous of my Ashley Madison relationship with them). She's fourteen years old and she may have captured one bird in that time? Obviously she may have killed more but since the cats generally bring the birds back into the house for safekeeping, it's a pretty good bet she only caught one bird. She was more of a mouser. Finding a dead mouse behind the couch because you tracked it down by its putrefying smell is no fun. It was Judas who was the one who would occasionally catch a bird. In his fifteen years, he probably caught two per year (again, that I know of). Most of those birds were sent back into the wild to tell their friends about their brush with death. Judas really liked to bring the birds in fresh, I guess. Three years in a row, he brought a bird home on Thanksgiving Day to share with me because the Non-Certified Spouse was away visiting family. One time he brought one into our old apartment and took it into the bathroom where it escaped through the open window above the shower. From that moment until we moved, Judas would occasionally go into the bathtub and yowl his fool head off about that fucker that got away.

Anyway, I get that cats can have a hugely adverse effect on the local bird population. The plan when we got Judas from the Humane Society was to keep him as an indoor cat. But he was picked up as a stray and he had a serious case of wanderlust, especially if the wandering brought him to a dumpster (I think his time as a stray put in his mind the belief that he was constantly on the edge of starvation). He was such a high energy cat that he bounced off the walls all night long. He would get into the headboard of the bed as we were trying to sleep. Then if a hand or piece of hair strayed too near the headboard, a tiny paw would flash up past the mattress and begin lacerating everything within reach. Then he'd do a few sprints back and forth between the mattress and the headboard for ten minutes. Once I began letting him outside, he was much calmer in the house. He'd blow all his energy outside and then sleep through the night. I suppose it was either that or Ritalin, amirite?!

What I'm saying is that if it's between the birds being alive and happy and the cats being outdoors and happy, I'm Team Cats all the way. Without cats, those birds would get soft! Fucking cherry thieves!

I wish this stupid comic book would stop interrupting my cat stories.

Khalid tries to speak again with Nabu later as he attempts a spell. But Nabu doesn't respond so Khalid calls him an asshole in Old Portugese [sic]. I didn't realize you could swear in comic books as long as you use different symbols than the regular old Latin alphabet. That's pretty sneaky, Sis!

So Khalid tries to clear out more of the flood waters but it's too much for him and he almost causes a National Guard helicopter to crash. But he seems to have enough of a handle on his magic tricks to save the helicopter and to sort of fly. He flies like the Greatest American Hero though so he's probably going to need to find a pile of trash bags every time he wants to land. The issue ends when he realizes he didn't text Shaya goodnight and gets more scared than he's been yet in this comic book. Then the "Next Time On Doctor Fate" box reads, "Confrontation!" And the little Doctor Fate helmet over it is winking. It's all, "Get it?! Girlfriends are the really scary monster! Especially when you don't do something they expect you to do! Hoo boy, is Khalid in for it now! Shaya can't be a proper woman unless she treats her boyfriend like an irresponsible boy and he treats her like his surrogate mother! Wink!"

Also, the Next Month Blurb might not be as cynical as I made it out to be. Maybe it really means Khalid is going to confront a stray dog. That's way more exciting than a fight with his girlfriend! Or is it?

Doctor Fate #3 Rating: No change. I don't think this is a terrible comic book. It has art and dialogue and a story. It's doing all of the things you would expect from a comic book when you pick it up and open the cover. But I don't feel it's a particularly good comic book either. If it were free and I were in the dentist's office waiting for my appointment, I would certainly enjoy reading it. And I'd probably dig around to see if they left the first few issues out for me to read as well. I would also enjoy reading it if it were free in the Sunday papers and I still read newspaper comic strips. But if I were in any other position where fate allowed me to not buy every DC Comic book that came out, I would not continue to pay $2.99 for it. I would just buy a second copy of Ms. Marvel, write "DOCTOR FATE" over the title in thick black Sharpie, and read all of her lines in the Doctor Fate Helmet Voice. The concept of the reluctant hero is one that I might be mostly over at this point in my life. At least get the "reluctant" part over quickly if you're not going to make the character completely cute and adorable. I'm not even sure how old Khalid is! He's a med student but he called himself "just a kid" in this issue. Even though at 43 I still wouldn't refer to myself as a grown ass adult, I can't remember the last time I would have thought of myself as "just a kid." Twelve? I just want this book to be more exciting and less arguing against reality. Also, Doctor Fate's big nemesis is a stray dog.

Doctor Fate #2

I'm not feeling too imaginative today but I've got to keep up a two comics per day pace! So, you know, maybe you should skip this one.

Last issue ended with Khalid's father being attacked by a bald man on his way to the airport. It's probably Wotan because comic book stories constantly repeat themselves and rarely give their readership anything new. Companies think we'll be super excited simply because we're reading something we recognize. I don't blame them because comic book fans are complete assholes when anything they're used to changes in any way. Although those fans probably aren't reading this version of Doctor Fate because it's not Kent Nelson. So if that has changed, I suppose Levitz is free to change whatever he wants! Now I'm excited to find out who Doctor Fate's new nemesis is! I hope it's some character I recognize!

As Khalid drags his dad from the crashed cab, Anubis shows up to lay claim to his "blood price." I guess there's a cost to wearing the helmet. I think the cat mentioned it last issue after Khalid had already put it on. And since Anubis can't have Khalid's dad, it decides to crash a plane.

Oh, fuck science! Just wave your wand or whatever!

Khalid, being a med student, failed aeronautics and spellcasting so he only manages to land the plane sort of safely. But the Helmet of Thoth reminds Khalid that "It's wind over the wings that helps the plane fly!" Thanks for the science lesson, ancient mystic helmet! How about you just stick to giving people access to the land of the dead and slowly taking over their psyches?

Enough people must have died in the plane crash because Anubis goes away sated. I hope he gets hit by a semi truck as he heads back to the land of the dead.

After Khalid sees his dad safely to the hospital and Khalid's girlfriend Shaya refuses to have sex with him, the Helmet of Thoth transports Khalid to some mystic realm to learn about ancient Egypt from his priest Nabu.

Just accept it and be Doctor Fate already. One and a half issues is enough time wasted for the audience to believe he's having a tough time coping.

Khalid reluctantly puts on the helmet again to go outside and fight some stray dogs. This might be the most exciting Doctor Fate yet! He even manages to defeat the pack of dogs with only a severe laceration to his ankle! He might be ready to face Satan himself now! I mean Anubis! That was probably culturally insensitive of me to use the wrong landlord of hell.

Luckily for Khalid, his ankle heals because of magic! Unless it's because of the wind over his ankle? Biology was my worst course in college because it was so boring. I'd already mastered my body by my twenties! I knew that if you put food in your mouth, you would get energy to do all the really awesome biological stuff your body can do. You know the stuff! The baby stuff! You should describe it in detail in a message to me so I can see if you know what I'm talking about! Don't hold back anything in your description!

After Khalid realizes the helmet has the power of healing without having to study, he becomes the greatest doctor in the world! Doctor Fate! But first he'll have to avoid drowning because Anubis's flood is bearing down on him as the issue ends.

Doctor Fate #2 Rating: No change. I kind of hate that I gave this blog the semblance of a review site by listing DC's comics from best to worst. Because then when I do an entry like this one, it seems like I'm not even trying to do a review! And that's because I'm not trying! This was never meant to be a review site! It's just a place for me to say what happens in each comic so that when the next issue comes out in a month, I can reread the commentary on the previous issue and remember what was happening. This blog is only here because my memory is terrible! So if you want a real review of this mediocre comic book, you should go to Nerds Talk About Comic Books or wherever. They'll probably even tell you what to think of the art. Hell, sometimes they even describe how well the letterer does his or her job! That just seems ludicrous! I figure the letterer is doing a good job if I don't talk about the letterer! If I do mention the letterer in my commentary, it's because the letterer completely fucked something up. Although now that I mentioned the Letterer, the font in Doctor Fate is thin and weak and crappy. I don't like it at all!

Doctor Fate #1

DCyou! Where Dr. Fate wears skinny jeans and a hoodie!

Doctor Fate! Doctor Fate! Does whatever a doctor does!
Leaves a sponge! Inside a guy!
Malpractice insurance premiums rise!
Look out! Here comes the Doctor Fate!

Is he smart? Listen jerk!
He does radioactive work!
Can he cure your cancer?
That doesn't even deserve an answer!
Hey, there! At the bar! Doctor Fate's on a break!

In the still of the morgue! He drinks like a fish!
Hates non-paying patients like that kid from Make-a-Wish!

Doctor Fate! Doctor Fate! Friendly neighborhood Doctor Fate!
Bills insurance a three figure sum!
Uninsured? Charge two hundred thousand and one!
Look out! Here comes Doctor Fate's bill!

It was obviously time for another Spider-man song since I perceive everything through the constant tune of that song playing in the back of my brain. Also Doctor Fate is making the THWIP gesture for some reason.

The issue begins with Anubis the Stray Dog running about Brooklyn threatening people with an afterlife. So scary! But then he sees some lightning and realizes Bastet is trying to fuck up his plans. He calls her a bitch but that's okay because he's a dog and he didn't mean it as an insult but simply a descriptor, even if he got it wrong because Bast is a cat. And you don't call a female cat "bitch." You call her Princess Fuzzy Mittens.

Get it? He's a medical student who must accept his fate! That's why he's called Med Student Fate!

Khalid decides not to accept his fate because most people try desperately to avoid their fate. But it's called fate for a reason! Get a dictionary, Khalid! Although if running from your fate and completely avoiding fate is your fate, I guess you can escape your fate!

If I published a dictionary, the entries for "fate" and "destiny" would read "See astrology." And the entry for "astrology" would read "Bullshit." I was destined to have a dumb blog about comic books. Not because when I was born, some god or the stars or fate decreed it would be. It was my destiny because it happened! Destiny can only be proclaimed after the fact. If something happened, it was destined to happen! The proof? Because it happened! But saying that something is your destiny before it happens is just surmising! Also, I think "fate" and "destiny" are supposed to represent some kind of grand design with a bit more import than they're usually given. Stop saying things like "I feel like I was born to do this; this is my destiny!" when you're about to run the obstacle course on American Gladiators. And if you think your fate was to "inspire" or to "raise awareness" of something, go sit the fuck down. I only want to hear about your fate or destiny if you were meant to cure cancer or discovered the greatest sexual position ever. You know, something important. Raising awareness is nothing more than masturbating in people's faces. Good for you. I hope you feel important now because you got your little bit of fame while raising awareness for something that you forgot about as soon people forgot about you.

I should say this blog is meant to inspire people! "If I can be a buzzkill on the internet, anybody can! Go for it! Live your dreams! You can do anything you put your mind to if you're kind of hard working and sort of talented but (most importantly!) super extremely lucky!"

How is Bastet not the most powerful Egyptian god? She's a cat in America! We love cats in America! She's worshiped daily. Every LOLcat meme is an altar to Bastet generating near endless amounts of praise! How is Anubis any more powerful? Do Not Want Dog wasn't any more popular than Invisible Bike Cat!

Khalid calls up Shaya, his girlfriend, to tell her he's freaking out because the Bastet statue at the museum tried to give him a shiny gold helmet. Shaya is all, "Pshaw! That's as silly as a museum statue trying to give me wings and a mace! TTYL!"

On his way home, Khalid stupidly jumps onto the subway tracks to save a young kid. That's when he discovers he has powers! Even without the helmet! Unless the helmet has followed him and it's doing all the magic itself.

Also, the magic could have been provided by Allah. Ha ha! No, that's silly. It was probably the magic helmet.

Puck the Cat (also known as Bastet or Bast or Bastt or Ubaste or "Holy shit the cat is talking!") tells Khalid that he should probably accept his destiny because nobody is going to keep paying $2.99 per month unless he puts on the fucking helmet already.

Meanwhile Anubis stalks the flooded city.

What is an evaculation order? Is that where citizens evacuate the city while jerking off?

Puck the Cat leads Khalid back to the museum to accept the helmet of fate. Right before Khalid puts the helmet on his head, Puck is all, "Did I mention you'll pay a heavy price for wearing that? No? Well, good luck!" Then Puck dies which makes this the saddest first issue of any comic I've ever read. And yet it's drawn like a newspaper comic strip and those aren't supposed to be sad! I mean, sure, occasionally some writer will try to step out of the comic strip box and do something touching but they still need to fill the space with old jokes and supposedly funny non sequiturs! But Puck makes sure to mention that she'll be resurrected in the Wheel of Life so the readers shouldn't feel too bad. She'll be back!

Khalid learns that while wearing the helmet, he's not completely himself. But at least he's not completely Fate either. While he's trying to come to terms with his new self, a tree falls on his father's cab.

Is this guy Anubis's chosen mage, Wotan?

Doctor Fate #1 Ranking: On its own, Doctor Fate is setting up a reasonably interesting world where the main character has a purpose. He also has a normal life he'll need to balance with his new role as magic protector of everything. As another part of the DCyou universe, we have yet another threat to end the world. I wonder how Anubis feels about the Martians trying to conquer the Earth while he's trying to wipe it clean for his own purposes? And do any of these other would-be conquerors realize that everything is going to end anyway if Superman dies, therefore their plans will be for naught? And I'm sure Lobdell's Doomed will bring about another end of the Omniverse disaster looming on the horizon. I also feel like the Powers That Be at DC Comics want every new character to be another Ms. Marvel or Burnside Batgirl. I don't mind characters embracing modernity but these are fictional worlds as well (for example, a magic helmet and talking dog-god) so every character doesn't have to be eternally connected to every other character with their noses in their cell phones. Although I did like how Khalid's mother uses her cell phone to actually call him while Khalid spends his time texting his girlfriend.* And now I won't finish that thought because it turned into an unexpected pun and I refuse to allow puns to have power over me. Instead I'll leave it as a riddle for you to wonder what I would have said after the sentence ending in an asterisk.