Secret Six #3

Maybe this is the issue we find out if The Ventriloquist can make Ferdie talk while performing anilingus! What is the secret?!

I'm going to be magnanimous and not mention how long it's taken for three issues of this comic book to appear on the stands. I'm not going to be magnanimous enough not to mention how magnanimous I'm being though! I'm only human!

When we last saw the Secret Six, they were standing around patting themselves on the back congratulating themselves on having escaped the death box from the bottom of the sea. What they weren't doing was going their separate ways and ruining Project: Mockingbird. No, they decided they should probably stick together to protect each other from Project: Mockingbird. I have a secret six suspicion that the whole point of Project: Mockingbird is to get these stupid assholes working together. And they fell for it! Which is why I referred to them as "stupid assholes". That's not the secret! That's obvious!

This issue begins with a Pocket Aphorism I guess you're supposed to cut out so you can take it with you and read it just before all of the critical decisions you make in your life.

Don't try to cut this one out!

I don't know what it means but it feels so much like an old school comic book with the newsprint pages that I can't help but love it. Also, don't you hate when people Limbo like they don't mean it? It's like, "Get out of the line, jerko! You're bringing the party to a grinding halt with your half-hearted Limbo skills! If you're going to bend over backwards, bend the fuck over backfuckingwards, fuckfucker!" How many times have you found yourself yelling that at a party, amirite?

Do young people today even know what the Limbo is? Why would they ever learn when their parties are full of girls rubbing their asses on guys' crotches?! Remember when we thought Twister was a sneaky sexy party game?! The kids today just have to dance and they're already dry humping on the first date! What is the secret?!

This issue is called "The Nine Levels of Suburbia" so I guess that's what the Limbo reference was for although I still don't get it. Is "Limbo like you mean it" akin to "Dance like nobody is watching"? I can't decide if it's better to masturbate like nobody is watching or to masturbate like everybody is watching. Maybe it depends on where you choose to masturbate?

Catman is currently cruising Suburbia topless when he comes across a big jerk beating his dog for not obeying him. You can tell the man is a big jerk because he is wearing funky sunglasses or maybe because he's got a crew cut or possibly because he's wearing a track suit or maybe because he's beating his dog. I forget which one of those made me realize he was a jerk. It could also have been his thick neck or his gaudy tennis shoes.

After humans are long gone, raccoons will become the next sentient species at the top of the food chain. Unless they also destroy themselves with diabetes.

If I had to guess, I'd say raccoons are already smarter than about thirty percent of the humans on this planet.

Catman threatens the guy who turns out to be a cop. Oh! That's what makes him a jerk!

The next removable aphorism is "The lust that lingers" which may not actually be an aphorism. I don't know what it is! But it has "lust" in it so it sets up the next level of Suburbia! Apparently the Secret Six are now living in a house in the suburbs to hide from Project: Mockingbird. None of them were made to live in the suburbs. They're not married. They have no children They're not excited about lawn care. They don't gossip about their neighbors unkempt yard. They probably won't participate in the Block Party which will cause the entire neighborhood to view them with suspicion. The suburbs are boring them to death. It's worse than the box (probably).

Okay, maybe they enjoy block parties and the whole hating spending time outside with the neighbors is just me.

What constitutes weird sex? I think weird sex is that sex where you get really close to your partner and maybe entangle your legs a bit so your genitals aren't quite touching and instead are just sort of staring at each other and then you both just kind of get off somehow by being close but not touching? Is that a thing? It's weird if it's a thing! What is the secret?!

Everybody currently on the couch admits to having engaged in the weird sex on the couch. Especially Ferdie. Ferdie especially admits to it. He also has drills in the palms of his hands so my guess is at least two of the Secret Six are now bleeding from their assholes.

Big Shot, P.I., lectures the group on maintaining a more child-friendly atmosphere in front of closed doors since they have a child in the house (Black Alice!) whom he wants to protect. So the group has the father figure taken care of. Now they just need a mother! That will probably be Strix.

The third act's aphorism is "Gluttony becomes you." So true!

The house belongs to Big Shot, P.I. He used to live there with the love of his life so I guess the neighbors are cool with his guests visiting him for awhile. He's normal enough to suddenly have five other people and a puppet with a dirty mouth move in with him to fill the empty space of his lost love.

Although he's really just doing it for Black Alice. And maybe a little bit because he secretly likes Ferdie's dumb dirty jokes. That's not the secret.

The next chapter's aphorism is "Greed is the word" because it's the word that you've heard. It's got groove. It's got meaning. In this chapter, The Ventriloquist offers to go shopping with Porcelain because she probably wants to kill Porcelain in a simulated shopping cart accident since Porcelain has been flirting with Catman. But since Shauna is into Catman, Ferdie will probably have to kill Catman. Eventually they're all just going to have to stop trying to possess each other and just all fuck whoever wants to fuck whenever they want to fuck with whomever. Or something.

The next chapter's aphorism is "Anger is the sea that never ebbs." That's because it doesn't have a moon. And is on a planet with no rotation. And doesn't exist? I don't have a science degree so I'm really out of my element here. The literature degree just means I've read lots and lots of things that will never enable me to connect with the world because I'm too busy connecting with dead people who also couldn't connect with the world. So, you know, it's not a useless degree at all!

See? Porcelain doesn't seem to be too hung up on possessing Catman. She's cool in the way all the Millennials grandparents were cool in the seventies.

Porcelain beats the shit out of two jerks on the way to the store. You can tell they're jerks because they're white and they're male and they have loads and loads of muscles. I know that also describes Catman but he's not a jerk for some reason. I think because he's into man-butt.

The next chapter's aphorism is "The trouble with heresy." I think part of that aphorism is missing because I don't know why heresy is troubling after reading that and now I might accidentally engage in some because I don't know why I shouldn't. This chapter has Ferdie sitting in front of the television and then proclaiming "Television is the devil" because Ferdie is a dumb lying puppet whom I won't like anymore if he keeps dissing my surrogate mom.

The next chapter's aphorism is "Violence wears a man like a weapon" which totally makes sense if you're nutso cuckoo. This chapter stars the Secret Six's mother, Strix! This issue has yet to establish Strix as the mother figure but I'm sure it will come with time. Right now, she's a bit lost.

Don't worry, Strix. Most of us don't know how to home. We're just all doing our best. My mother wasn't very good at it either until she was attached to a cable box.

Big Shot decides to have a bit of a house meeting over breakfast only to discover that everybody hates the suburbs which, you know, isn't that surprising. Don't we all hate the suburbs? Is that a thing people actually like? I guess the thirty percent of people dumber than raccoons probably like it.

Porcelain mentions seeing a guy beating a dog while he was out so now Catman needs to go kill a cop and ruin their hideout. Well, he doesn't go that far. But he does kick some ass and Daddy Big Shot has to pull his ass out of the fire.

Now the Secret Six has a dog and a cat and a child and a father and a zombie assassin and a foul mouthed puppet. Awww! They really are a family!

The last chapter's aphorism is "Treachery among friends" and it explains why Big Shot has a sensitive fucking nose and my mind is reeling and I think I might have passed out for just a second. You see, it might not explain what the secret secret is but holy fuck me in every holey, it sure drops a big one. And the surprise secret isn't that The Riddler is Mockingbird. It's that Big Shot is Ralph Dibny, the Elongated Man! (Although "Dibny" was spelled "Dibney" in the issue which almost threw me off because I'm so picky about everything! (not really))

Oh! That was a spoiler! SPOILER WARNING! I think my entire blog has a spoiler warning so I'm not really too concerned. Plus I'm still reeling from the revelation because all that shit with pictures of Sue Dibny everywhere is hurting my heart now. And his whole concern over the couch being ruined by weird sex due to his sensitive nose? Totally should have realized it was Ralph at that point! So on character! Great fucking job, Gail Simone.

Oh, also, just to make it clear: Ralph "Big Shot" Dibny is working for Mockingbird and, as I pointed out earlier, the whole Project was to get these stupid assholes to work together.

Secret Six #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. So worth the wait. I was never a huge fan of Gail Simone's New 52 Batgirl. But her team comics are impeccable. She knows how to develop interesting scenes that bring out bits of every character so that you really begin to know them in short order. The Movement only lasted ten or twelve issues but it had more character development packed into it than most of the titles that have been focusing on a single character for nearly four years. And this issue was just brilliant! I love issues where we get to see the characters just spending some down time with each other and this was completely that. But not only was it that, it was also relevant to the overarching plot of the series. It was needed to bond these characters together. I'm a fan. And I'm so glad this is how The Elongated Man was reintroduced into The New 52 even if it means Sue is still dead.

Sinestro #12

I'd rather have had a Joker Variant.

This is really important work I'm doing. In the future, historians are going to want an unbiased opinion of the material published by DC Comics. They'll stumble upon my site and think, "Enh. Good enough." And that's ignoring all the good I'm doing for the present as well! Keeping my hatred laser-focused on DC Comics keeps me from blowing up bridges and punching every fucking asshole blocking the sidewalk while standing outside of a bar smoking and talking and not realizing how even their friends probably don't really like them very much.

The issue begins with Sinestro and Soranik standing above the reactor at the core of New Korugar. A traitor among the Yellow Lanterns has triggered it to meltdown which will destroy the new home for Sinestro's people. They waste three pages having a useless conversation.

Soranik: "We must evacuate the Korugarians!"
Sinestro: "No need. I will stop the meltdown."
Soranik: "But what if you can't?!"
Sinestro: "I will."
Soranik: "But you might not!"
Sinestro: "But I will."
Soranik: "But just in case you fail..."
Sinestro: "I won't."
Soranik: "You'd put your people at risk...?"
Sinestro: "There is no risk. I will save them."
Soranik: "But just in case you can't!"
Sinestro: "But I can!"
Soranik: "You dick! I hate you! Why am I even here?!"

So now new readers understand that Sinestro is an arrogant bastard who doesn't feel he needs to listen to anybody's advice. Why should he? They're all more incompetent than he is. If he left anything up to anybody else, it would all get done wrong. So he does things his way (which is obviously the best way) and everybody will be happy, dammit. The reader also learns that Soranik is a useless chump who is only hanging around to help her people but just winds up being told, over and over, to shut up by her father.

Of course, if you didn't want to read the first few pages in the most unflattering way possible, you might see it as a moment where Sinestro is having a bit of self-doubt about whether or not he'll ever truly be able to help the Korugarians. He's promised to keep them safe and now he's ashamed that he's placed them in greater danger. He cannot face his own errors so he decides not to tell anybody about the meltdown. If he can take care of it himself, nobody will know he isn't completely in control at all times. And Soranik is just a daughter desperate to get her father to see things differently than he normally does. Saving the Korugarians should not be about him and his shame! It should be about the Korugarians.

After Sorankik storms off, Lyssa remembers that this is the point in time that she is supposed to have a conversation with Sinestro.

Since Lyssa can see the future, the only reason she knows what Sinestro's Plan B is is because Plan A fails. Right?

Soranik heads off to help out the Korugarians without her father's approval. Umaraal, an elder among the Korugarians (maybe. I don't really know who she is!), informs Soranik that Sinestro has never changed and she was a fool to ever think he had. So I think my flattering way of reading the first few pages was me just being fooled into thinking that Cullen Bunn's writing had changed. Apparently Sinestro is just preparing to become a God or something, and he's just waiting for the Green Lanterns to disappear from the universe.

Meanwhile some yellow space sperm named Ranx breaks its way into Warworld to fertilize it.

Afterward, Sinestro goads Soranik into a battle which ends with her becoming a Yellow Lantern. Sinestro's just trying to save her because the Green Lanterns are about to disappear. I think that means he loves his daughter and he should have a Violet Ring now! And since this entire thing was really just a manipulation to get Soranik closer to fear so she could become a Yellow Lantern, maybe Sinestro is the traitor who set the reactor on its course just to toy with his daughter? That's less farfetched than Tim Drake becoming Harvest, right? And I was right about that one too! I mean, I will have been right given enough time. You'll see!

Sinestro #12 Rating: No change. The best part of this issue was that it was called "Daddy Issues." Although Soranik has less Daddy Issues than every single other character in the DC Universe! She doesn't seem like she needs to prove anything to him at all, or that her life is the way it is due to his abandonment of her. She just wants to help her people and keep her father from harming them due to his arrogance and negligence. Sinestro probably has more daddy issues than Soranik does although I don't know what they are. I'm sure there's a story out there somewhere in which Sinestro has a flashback to his awful father which made Sinestro declare he would never be like him and then, later, unwittingly became just like him. That's just the kind of story that DC Comics loves for their characters' backstories.

Wonder Woman #41

Why is Dick Van Dyke threatening to blow up Wonder Woman?

This issue is called "Balance" because, like all women, Wonder Woman has had to find a balance between her home life and work life. Men never have to figure out that balance because they don't feel guilty about not spending time with their kids or cheating on their wives. Men never think, "Should I be spending this much time at work?" They just think, "Twelve hours at work? I deserve a four hour break at the strip club on the way home!" Balance schmalance! The idea that women need to balance their schedules was created by a bunch of men who feared not having dinner on the table after getting home with cum-stained britches. Play on a woman's guilt and she'll always think she's being selfish when she's actually being codependent! Good work, men! Now even Wonder Woman is confused!

Diana begins by feeling sorry for Donna Troy because Donna Troy wasn't responsible for her actions. She only murdered all of the Amazons' brothers because Derinoe created her to murder all of the Amazons' brothers (and Wonder Woman too, of course!). So Wonder Woman decides to visit Donna Troy and make her feel bad.

"A monster? No! You're just all these other horrible things!"

After chastising Donna Troy for feeling miserable, Diana heads over to visit Zola and Zeke. Zola mentions how she doesn't know how Wonder Woman does it all: superheroing, Godding, Queening, Girlfriending! It's just crazy that she finds the time! All Zola has to do is watch Zeke while lounging safely around Mt. Olympus and, by golly, it's exhausting! Being a non-working mother is the hardest job ever! It sucks spending every single minute with the greatest object of your affection! Sure, she doesn't have anybody adult to talk to but in my book, that's a positive! Besides, I'm sure the Home of the Gods could figure out a way to set up Skype.

"It's so hard being the mother to an immortal God who doesn't need me for anything but hugs and belly raspberries!"

Wonder Woman is also visiting Mt. Olympus because she needs to pick up her new uniform from Hephaestus.

Does the "V" stand for "vagina" so she knows which way to put the suit on?

I don't know how the new outfit helps her embrace the woman she's become. I guess it's like getting her first pant suit?

After her visit to Olympus, Wonder Woman stops by a bridge where some kid is threatening to blow himself up if he doesn't get to meet Wonder Woman. It winds up being some villain who attacks her but she continues to think it's just some kid looking for attention. It's not until the villain calls her The God of War and then escapes does Wonder Woman think that maybe this wasn't some poor kid who just needed a hug. The villain is working with a glowing green pit. Together, they plan on stealing the mantle of the God of War! But the villain doesn't know how to do that. The glowing green pit is all, "Don't worry! I've got just the weapons you need!" Then it spits out a Pegasus and a bow with a few arrows.

Wonder Woman #41 Rating: No change. No wait! -1 Ranking because it was a twenty page comic book for $3.99 in which really not much happened. Sure, we get two pages of sketches of Wonder Woman in her new outfit with commentary by David Finch about how his wife was all, "Stop drawing her with your dick in your hand!"

"But honey! This is hard! I'm just not interested in drawing clothing! I want to draw titties!"

David Finch goes on to explain how difficult it was coming up with a design that made Wonder Woman look tough but feminine. He then quickly adds that "feminine means whatever a woman is, regardless of shape, size or demeanor." So then why was it so hard coming up with the concept if feminine was just an automatic part of the outfit because she was a woman regardless of how she looked?

DC, you owe me about thirty-six cents for the bullshit two extra pages that should have been story! How hard is it for David Finch to fill up two extra pages of story?! He usually wastes at least that many with unnecessary double splash pages! But really, DC. You owe me thirty-six cents. I know the Finches didn't realize they needed a 22 page comic book for the beginning of the DCyou but you had already planned on the price increase so you had to stick these bullshit pages into the back. Fuck you, you monsters! No wait! You aren't monsters. You're just misguided, confused, and self-indulgent.

Robin, Son of Batman #1

Goliath the Werebat is either Bruce Wayne or Alfred's right hand or Tim Drake.

Hopefully Patrick Gleason is a better artist-writer than David Finch and Tony S. Daniel. I'll probably determine that he isn't not out of any objective skill he has but out of my subjective sour, and ever worsening, attitude toward comic books. As art, comic books are the crusty boogers of long grown fifth graders still haunting the underside of elementary school desks. But I'm not sophisticated enough to appreciate art via any other medium because movies are too long, poetry is too individualized, novels have too many fucking words that usually aren't fuck, and television isn't art, according to the Sophomores in my Humanities class in college. I suppose I could get my fix through children's books since everybody at every Portland Wine Tasting always has to mention how their favorite book was always one by Seuss or Sendak or Eastman (probably just to show that they're still full of wonder and childhood goodness and the adult world hasn't crushed their spirit at all although the way they're chugging that fucking wine says otherwise). I also don't go to wine tastings so that last sentence might be bullshit. But I can imagine what it would be like if I went to a wine tasting and in my imagination, it's exactly as I described it!

Okay, so I really don't think comic books are the bottom of the barrel when it comes to art. I think they have an opportunity to tell stories in ways that no other medium is able. So the problem isn't the medium at all; the problem is with the writers and artists within the medium failing to use it to its full advantage. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised when the only comics I'm really reading right now our superhero comics. I have plenty of comic books in trade paperback editions that prove writers and artists know full well how to take advantage of comic books (Chris Ware probably top among them. Get thee to Building Stories or Jimmy Corrigan preposthaste!). But those comic books aren't as fun to comment on as I read them. Those are the kinds of comic books which deserve critical essays written about every aspect of their existence. But those are fucking hard to write, you know?! That's why you won't find me saying anything about them here. But writing about Robin and his gigantic Werebat that makes no goddamned sense at all? Welcome to the funhouse!

And a cowfucker too, unless I'm mistaking the reason for using the word "engorged"!

The Pot calling the Werebat fat is the ruler of Bialya which probably means he's a lover of Black Adam (in the fandom sense, not in the sodomy sense). Robin crashed the Robinwing in this man's country and Goliath fucked this man's cows and now this man wants to make Robin his son. Just to remind everybody what New 52 Damian Wayne comics are all about, a decapitation is depicted seven panels in. Can't have a Damian Wayne comic book without somebody losing their head! Anyway, Robin is going to have to fight the Prince to prove he is worthy to become a prince himself. I think instead of taking this rich guy up on his offer, Damian is just going to beat up a whole mess of people soon. Or very soon. Whichever comes first.

Oh! It was very soon!

Patrick Gleason Artist-Writer Update!
His storytelling is clear and concise. He sets up action so that it makes sense as it takes place. Just in this first meeting, he gives the reader a clear feel for the size of the room, the location of Damian and those within it, and makes sure that the background adds additional information about the owner of the location. I'm only four pages into the comic book so I might be optimistic. Maybe Patrick Gleason spent three weeks doing these four pages and the rest of the comic book is going to be a mess! But after these four pages, I trust that Gleason knows how to write, draw, and pace an intelligible story. That might seem like low hanging fruit but after some of the shit Artist-Writers have published, I'll be ecstatic with simply intelligible!

The story flashes back to Damian back at Wayne Manor. When it takes place is anybody's guess because Damian himself is the cause of much consternation to the continuity purists. Did Batman's search for Damian take place after Batman Eternal and Endgame? If not, where was Damian? How could Batman have searched for Damian after Endgame if he was dead?! Perhaps this will explain how Damian was running around the world on his own during Endgame. Perhaps Gleason won't even deal with it. As for me, I only care up until the end of this paragraph.

Meanwhile in Gotham Harbor, somebody is recovering the mask of Nobody. The mask has file footage on it revealing the identities of Batman and Robin. And the certain somebody recovering the mask is Nobody's daughter, Whats-her-name Ducard.

While Robin is left at home because Batman wanted to patrol on his own, Damian gets a message from somebody that Goliath has escaped so Damian has to sneak out to go take care of his pet Werebat. Apparently he's got an Alfred on Al Ghul Island who takes care of the pets he doesn't have time for just like the Alfred back in Gotham taking care of Alfred II, Titus, and Batcow.

Some consider it a privilege, not a job, to tend to their pet's every need!

Damian has to fetch a whistle on a submarine from the "Year of Blood" which I know nothing about either because it's something new Gleason has come up with or it's something that happened during the years I wasn't reading comic books or it's that thing where Damian killed lots of assassins while Talia trained him that I can barely remember. I've been playing too much Nethack again so I'm totally into this pet/whistle connection thing going on. While Damian is down in the sub, something from behind a sealed door calls out his name. It makes Damian sweat so it must be super scary. Like Japanese Urban Legends scary!

Damian uses the magic whistle to control Goliath and they beat up a few more guards before escaping. But Goliath flies too high so that Damian passes out to have a nice dream with Dick in it. Although it quickly goes from a pleasant dream where Damian is treating Dick like crap to a nightmare where Batman is interrogating Damian about "The Year of Blood."

Damian wakes up screaming the way he never does because it would indicate he isn't in as much control as he wants everybody to believe. He finds he's still on Al Ghul Island because he told Goliath to take him home and that's Goliath's home. It also gives Damian another opportunity to call something stupid. But after his dream, Damian figures he should probably stay on the island until he's dealt with The Year of Blood. So he heads back into the submarine to take a sneak peek at whatever was calling him from behind the door.

Was Damian working for Planetary that year?

On board the submarine are all the trophies Damian kept after concluding every mission during the Year of Blood. One trophy per day. Now Damian wants to begin the Year of Atonement where he redeems himself for every trophy he took during the Year of Blood. So "Robin, Son of Batman" is a bit like the comic book version of "Friday the 13th" the television show. And I bet the final day of Damian's atonement will be when he partakes of a Couples' Skate with Nobody Jr. and then they kiss while sharing some nachos in the snack room. So cute!

Meanwhile in Nanda Parbat, Talia al Ghul climbs out of a crevice where she was dropped way back during Batman's search for Damian's corpse. She confronts a creature called the Lu'un Darga which bears nearly the same symbol as the symbol on the object Damian chose to atone for first. Damian's object was connected to something called "The Guardian" and had six little whisker arrow things pointing up. Lu'un Darga's symbol has six little whisker arrow things pointing down! I bet the Guardian was supposed to have kept Lu'un Darga in its pit but Damian killed the Guardian! Or, you know, something vaguely like that or something.

Robin, Son of Batman #1 Rating: This feels like a near seamless continuation of Batman and Robin because, obviously, the art is exactly the same. But I feel like Gleason and Tomasi must have shared ideas on who Damian is and how he acts. Some might be thinking how wrong can somebody really write the little prick, right? But seriously, I can see Damian Wayne being written horribly. We need to share some kind of compassionate link with him. Early in the comic book when Damian is training alone in the Batcave, he stumbles over Alfred II and falls into a pit. He finds himself lying next to the skeleton of a bat. Now, I'm sure bats die and decay all the time in the cave, and this is probably one of them. But the way Damian looks at it, you can tell he's already realizing how much he has to atone for, even the smallest things he did like killing a bat in the batcave. He'll always have reminders of the person he used to be and he needs to find a way to set that boat sailing away as his father once, I guess, said. And Gleason sets it up nicely to have the daughter of Nobody as Damian's foil for the series. I would probably give this start an A+ if I wasn't such a monstrous asshole. Instead it gets a C- because I have a reputation to uphold!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #1

Is this comic going to tell the tales of their alternate dimension shenanigans where Power Girl winds up married?

I think this is going to be one of those comic books that I don't need to write much about because I don't really need to remember what's going on from month to month. And everybody pretty much knows what they're going to get with an Amanda Conner/Jimmy Palmiotti slashfic by this point. Although throwing Justin Gray into the mix is kind of kinky.

The issue begins with Harley Quinn and Power Girl having been teleported to La Galaxia del Sombrero by The Clock King. Harley and Kara run into a horny Yoda dude. Then they encounter an eight-headed hydra thing which swallows Power Girl much the way the horny Yoda dude wanted to do. But playa didn't have no game. He was all, "There's a party in my pants and I already came. Oh. I said that wrong. Meet my hydra!" And then the hydra was all, "Roar! Gulp! Boing!" And Harley was all, "Holee holee holee holee!" And DC Comics was, "Is this check big enough, Mister and Missus Amanda Conner?!" And Justin Gray was all, "Can't we do a waaaAAAaaaaAAAaaar stoooOOOooooOOOOoOOOoooreeeeEEEEeEEEeee?" And I was all, "No way in hell am I going to take this commentary seriously."

Eventually, a massive robot head lying in an overgrown jungle welcomes Kara back and initiates the Love Nest Protocol. I think that means she's going to have to slip into something more comfortable! Which, judging by her regular costume, will turn this into a Mature-rated comic book.

The robot head offers to take Harley and Karen to the man behind the Love Den, Lord Vartox. He's currently busy right now with Oreth Odeox.

Judging by his outfit, his facial hair, and an earlier mention of his penchant for free love and a fetish for humans, this is probably the tamest way Lord Vartox could have been introduced.

Holee word that doesn't normally rhyme with holee but Harley makes rhyme with holee by adding "-olee" to it, the ladies' ship gets shot out of the air and crash lands on the planet. I bet Power Girl is going to be angry! And Harley will be somewhat nonplussed and maybe a little bit too excited.

Oreth Odeox has taken it upon himself to rid the universe of hedonism. So he's a bit like the Guardians with their mission to rid the universe of masturbation! That makes Oreth the second worst villain (after the Guardians!) to ever appear in a DC Comic book. Why is the Justice League battling Darkseid and the Anti-Monitor? They should be battling all of these aliens that want to end orgasms.

This guy has a low bar definition for prostitution!

Power Girl decides that lost on an alien planet and surrounded by hostile alien creatures who are comparing her private parts to the feet of alien animals is the best time to lecture Harley about not killing sentient creatures. I suppose there's no better time for it, really, since if she doesn't tell Harley this exact second, a lot more alien creatures are going to die. Harley's defense is that it was a tiny gun and she really didn't expect it to be so powerful. Power Girl should understand that because, let's face it, hasn't Power Girl most likely killed multiple humanoid aliens whose bones just weren't able to take the same amount of beating as a human? She'd only discover that after smashing them into jelly with a punch that should have just knocked them out, right? No way Superman hasn't accidentally killed a human or five dozen in his life just calibrating the right amount of power to put behind his punches. Plus what if it's an extra sunny day and he's got a bit more power than usual so that his usual force is just a bit more lethal than normal?

See? Those guys are in hazmat suits for a reason! I bet those with damaged suits are now dead! Or maybe they just didn't want to get any semen on themselves.

Intermission mit Spoilers: I watched The Babadook last night and lost interest in whether the mother survived the trauma after she killed her dog, whether she was possessed or not! For those two people that didn't notice, Babadook equals A Bad Book. One thing the movie helped me realize is just how terrifying being schizophrenic can be. I'm not saying the mother was schizophrenic; she was just having a severe mental breakdown brought on by years of guilt, grief, stress, and overexertion. But because experiences on LSD are about as close as one can get to schizophrenia, and because I love LSD (although it's been about thirteen years since I last did any hallucinogens (or any drugs stronger than a Vicodin)), I always thought it would be interesting to live with that perspective on a daily basis. I wasn't totally naive though! I knew it would also be exhausting and often confusing in the moments when your perception really skews and you lose all sense of ego or time or place. And it probably wouldn't be as enjoyable without being able to find a peaceful moment where you could reflect on and contemplate your experiences of warped perception. But The Babadook was a well done portrait of just how terrifying madness can be. The end!

That Intermission was brought to you by Power Girl's sound effect (BADABOOOM!) which reminded me of what I watched at three in the morning last night.

Power Girl and Harley Quinn meet up with some residents of Planet Let's Fuck, Baby. They believe Power Girl is "the mother to all." I think that means Vartox has a machine that turns his sperm into people and he extracts his sperm with a special medical device called a "Power Girl Fuck Android."

I bet his teleportation ring is his anal sphincter! Is that too naughty for Amanda, Jimmy, and Justin's little bit naughty book?

Before Power Girl and Harley Quinn can be led to Vartox, they're beset upon by dozens of Odeox's henchmen in hover cycles. Be with us next time when we'll hear Harley say, "Holee Karflippian Toeee, we're skunked!"

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #1 Rating: Let's face it. This feels a little lazy. I'm not sure it was worth paying three writers to produce this story about two female superheroes dealing with a planet full of repressed fascists with an unhealthy obsession with quenching some of the best body fluids evolution ever invented. Stephane Roux is killing it on the art though. She should get the biggest cut of the book. I expect next issue's bawdiness will be funny because it's funny and not just funny because it's bawdy. This issue's jokes were not as well crafted as my $3.99 would have expected. There was a horny Yoda which was funny because he was Yoda but horny. There was a love den which was funny because it had lava lamps and 1970s smells which was funny because this generations' grandparents were swingers. One guy was named Mo'zit Blaqhed which was funny because his entire head was covered in zits and then Harley shot it with a gun and popped it like a big zit. Power Girl's camel toe was mentioned which was totally hilarious because she probably would have one, right?! Stupid comic books not being realistic enough to show camel toe. You know Superman and Flash would have pretty major moose knuckles, right? Then a black guy with an afro named Groovicus Mellow appeared to call Power Girl the "foxiest mama in the universe" which was totally hilarious because black people talked that way in the late sixties and seventies! Plus half of his afro was burnt off and he had a beard like Carl Anderson (and everybody else in Jesus Christ Superstar, really). Am I too grown up for a comic book like this?! No, no. The comic book isn't grown up enough for me to completely support it! It needs to be filthier! It needs to go full on Heavy Metal! Or worse! Although I'm having a hard time thinking what would be worse than Heavy Metal. Maybe a cartoon full of naked people but with a soundtrack by Linkin Park and Coldplay?

Justice League of America #1

What kind of asshole buys every cover of a $5.99 comic book? I mean besides Bryan Hitch's mother.

Is there a reason we need a Justice League affiliated primarily with America? Did the Justice League need a license to keep operating in the United States? Or does the "America" include all of North and South America as opposed to just the United States which is all most Americans think of when they hear gun control. I mean yogurt. I mean America. My mind must be on something else right now! You might want to go read something that's going to make more sense but will probably discuss masturbation way less.

This issue begins with a DC Comics fan asking, "Why do I need another Justice League book with the same characters?" It's followed by DC Comics punching the fan in the stomach and then kicking them in the head after they've fallen to the ground (because they lost their breath after being punched in their big fat gut) and yelling, "Shut the fuck up, loser! You love me! You can't live without me! Now give me your fucking money!" Then DC Comics rips the wallet off the chain it's hooked to, rips out all the cash, throws the wallet on the ground, squats over it, sprays piss all over the fucking place, and then runs off laughing. It's a really aggressive start to a new series! I like it!

After that scene, we get fifteen pages of just Bryan Hitch's name printed over and over and over again. That should get the blood pumping in all the labias and penises of even the fans who were fairly disinterested in this title to begin with. After reading Bryan Hitch's name that many times in a row, their private parts will be practically frothing and/or quite moist and/or ready to explode, depending on certain factors that I'm unable to fully explain having never had a decent sexual education class in my life. Although at San Jose State University, a sexual education class was mandatory. The only thing I remember from that class is that on the last day, we watched a half hour porn of two old people fucking. I think it was supposed to be enlightening and heartening that people are fully sexual beings until the day they die but being that the room was mostly full of twenty year olds, it was received with dry heaves and lots of "Like, this is totally like gross and like disgusting, for sure! This is like not tubular like at all!" That's my best California accent.

Did you all I know I was a Valley Girl? Well, actually a boy but that wasn't the name of the movie. I just lived in the wrong valley! I grew up in Silicon Valley so I know all the super secret secrets of the technology biz. Like how they call it "biz" instead of "business." And how Atari cartridges weren't just plastic boxes with magic mysteries inside; they contained computer "chips" with programs etched into them by Druids. I should know because my mother worked at Signetics in the late seventies and early eighties. She was laid off when all of you assholes stopped buying Atari Video Game Consoles. Dicks. It's your fault I know what Food Stamps are!

The issue actually begins worse than I pretended it began. It shows Superman failing to save the world from a circle of lights and then floating off into space defeated. Oh no! Another threat that can defeat Superman and cause lots of destruction?! That's so fucking exciting that my dick just flew around the room! Thanks a lot, Bryan Hitch! The only way to catch it is to drop my pants and bend over. Fuck.

So after a few wasted pages of ultimate destruction and Superman failing to save anybody, we finally get to something I want to read about!

I'm glad I scanned this because my dick stopped by to check it out and I was able to grab it.

What I didn't scan was how everybody else in the office of the Daily Bugle were dressed as if work was not a cocktail party. But I guess if you're Lois Lane, life is your cocktail party (emphasis on the "cock"! And possibly the "tail" too!). And don't worry about Lois's right leg in the above scan. I'm pretty sure Bryan Hitch was using the Deformed Leg Filter.

I do have a reason to scan the entire page now so you can check out the non-cocktail garb on everybody but Lois!

Presumably she's at her old desk now waiting for Clark to get in. How the fuck does the sun get in your eyes all the time at a desk in the middle of the building? If only the writer and the artist had better communication!

Meanwhile at The Maw (that's the prison in Metropolis where super villains constantly break out), a super villain is breaking out.

Superman flies to New York to attend that important event put on by The Infinity Corporation. Oh, they must be the geniuses of all geniuses because their name is Infinity. They may as well have called themselves the Big Brained Smarty-Pantses That Are Way Smarter Than Everybody Else and We Know Who Superman Is Too Corporation. You see, the "dress appropriately" bit was a clue because beneath the main part of the invite was Superman's shield reproduced in lead foil. You know, so that he would see it when he used his Magic Vision to check for anthrax. Is it common knowledge that Superman can't see through lead? Or is that just Infinity Corporation knowledge because they're so fucking smart?

This story takes place on Earth-Hitch.

This scene is evidence that really good comic book writers should head back to DC to write comic books again! Look at how Editorial didn't force Bryan Hitch to rewrite his entire concept just because it takes place in a world where nobody knows Superman's secret identity! During the first year or two of The New 52, this would have been thrown back in Hitch's face and he would have been ordered to do a rewrite of months of work and he would have refused and walked off the project and DC would have brought in Scott Lobdell to completely ruin the story. But now DC just shrugs their shoulders and turns over while putting the ball gag in their mouth.

What Superman discovers is that the Infinity Corporation's name is a little too on the nose and not about being arrogant at all. That Superman at the beginning? Not the one from Earth-Hitch. He's just one of many pulled in through some Multiversal Superman Collector built by the Infinity Corporation.

The alternate name for Infinity Corporation was Dead Superman Storage but it was deemed even more too on the nose than Infinity Corporation.

Superman is acting a little bit more aggressive than I'd like in my Superman but since he never explodes into punches and violence, it's fine with me. He's being threatening because he's not being told the whole truth. But when he sees the pile of Superman corpses, he still doesn't fly into a tornado of kicks and punches which is a good sign. I like a Superman with patience! When you're invulnerable to nearly everything, you can afford to hear what other people have to say before knocking them unconscious. Although another Superman is about to arrive at Earth-Hitch and this one is alive! So Superman might have to punch himself since most Supermen have no patience at all.

Helpful hint for anybody ever finding themselves in this situation in the future: stay away from pronouns when delivering desperate, last words. Unless, of course, you're trying to sow confusion and chaos.

After Vincent smashes his lab because he failed to keep an alternate version of Superman alive for the 61st time in a row, he introduces himself to Superman as the man who is trying to save Superman's life. But should Clark trust him?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Meanwhile at the New Metropolis Clean Energy Power Plant (that's the power plant that super villains totally want to destroy for kicks), a super villain is setting a plan in motion to destroy it for kicks.

Aquaman is currently busy quelling the fears of the United Nations by not quelling the fears of the United Nations. They're all, "How do we know you won't destroy us landlubbers if you won't sign this horrible treaty that doesn't benefit you at all and gives us all the power?" And Aquaman is all, "Fuck your treaties, you manipulative bastards! Y'all are too used to thinking everybody wants to give up all of their power seeing as how they sign fucked up contracts with cable television providers and cell phone companies." And the United Nations is all, "But we're scared of you! Let us dominate and subjugate you so that we can sleep soundly!" And Aquaman is all, "Not my problem, biznitches! Aquaman out!"

On Earth-Hitch, Aquaman is still on good terms with Atlantis.

Back to Superman and Vincent, Vincent is a genius so of course he's rude and doesn't have time to actually explain anything to Superman. That's really convenient...for the writer! What Vincent does manage to say is no surprise to anybody reading comic books: the whole future is about to end. Fuck you, Bryan Hitch. Fuck you right in your pretty mouth! You know the day comic books began to bore me? The day writers reached the point where they couldn't produce any kind of tension in a story unless the fate of everything was on the line. Comic Book Writers escalated themselves right into Boresville. First the Fate of Lois Lane. Then the Fate of the Daily Planet. Then the Fate of Metropolis. Then the Fate of America. Then the Fate of the World. Then the Fate of the Universe. Then the Fate of the Multiverse. Then the Fate of All Time. Then the Fate of Every Fucking Thing Ever To Exist Ever. And that's where things have been for about ten to fifteen years now. Everything is always at stake. No wonder people like Batman. At least he generally just sticks to keeping Gotham safe. But even his world escalated to the end of the line around Knightfall.

Vincent isn't a genius. He's either a schizophrenic or a character written by somebody with a fairly normal intelligence.

You know who else makes grand statements that they completely believe and expect everybody else to believe as well? Every single looney guest on Coast to Coast AM. So if this genius has just told us that time is not a linear creek but it's a stormy ocean full of fish feces, I suppose that's what it is! And how does that matter at all? Oh yeah! It doesn't because now is all that matters. But if now is all that matters, then can Superman fuck Vincent in the face because it will soon be the past and then Superman can stop feeling guilty about it because the past doesn't matter? And if the past isn't fixed, how come I don't keep not existing and existing and overexisting every second?! If the past isn't fixed, then I never killed that hobo, did I?

Vincent the Genius's plan is for Superman to not die. Easy peasy! But Superman is all, "I don't know if I can do that!" And Vincent is all, "But John Stuart Mill?!" No, no. Actually he mentions Star Trek.

This seems like a confusing example because Spock gave his life for the needs of the many.

Superman is all, "Bah! You're as bad as Madame Xanadu! I won't be tricked into keeping myself alive just because you need your car washed and a pizza delivered!" And Vincent is all, "Wha?!" And Superman is all, "I'll never listen to Madame Xanadu again! End of the world, my ass, if her car isn't freshly waxed and smelling of fresh pepperoni."

Over on Earth-Hitch, Hal Jordan isn't some renegade with a funky ass glove. He's still sporting the power ring and the pilot's haircut. He's arrived to make sure the Clean Energy Power Plant goes online without a...hee hee...hitch! Wonder Woman and The Flash are there and The Flash declares the place is clean. I think that's because he's pretending to run around searching for anything weird because Batman easily spots the Station Wagon sized casket with the blinking green and red lights on the side. I think The Flash was the person Superman was saying not to trust! Careless idiot.

Wait a second! How is this a Clean Energy Power Plant when Green Lantern's invitation to the "major incident" at the plant says "Nuclear Power Facility"? Are we allowed to call Nuclear Power "clean" simply because it doesn't produce air pollutants?! What about all the fucking atomic waste that nobody fucking knows how to dispose of?! I thought this was some kind of comic book solar power factory or some design of Lex Luthor's to turn envy into steam! I hate everything!

The creature in the casket is a guy who's gotten a little bit too much exposure in The New 52: Parasite! He sucks off Hal Jordan until Hal Jordan loses consciousness and then realizes he has to battle Batman. And Batman has nothing The Parasite wants.

Oh Batman. Please do less research and spend more time practicing your one-liners. Also, nice to see you aren't dead on Earth-Hitch!

I'm just having a good time with the Earth-Hitch stuff. I actually like when comics can tell their own stories without being wrapped up in every minor detail of every other current story, like everybody knowing Superman's identity and Atlantis hating Aquaman and Batman being dead and Green Lantern not being a Green Lantern! Such minor quibbles! What I like about it is that it's only bothersome to readers during the months the stories are new. It seems weird to continuity hounds reading this with all that other shit going down. But by next year, people will just remember this story and remember the other story and they'll fit within the timeline in their minds however they need to fit. Obviously this takes place before all that of those other stunts DC is pulling to try to lure in new readers!

Flash and Batman get knocked out because The Flash is dumb and arrogant and doesn't listen to Batman. That leaves Wonder Woman to almost get eaten by The Parasite who has grown to immense proportions. All that's left to save them is Superman but is it worth risking the end of all time and space?! Well, duh! Of course it is! That's his girlfriend!

After Superman leaves, Vincent and his assistant talk about how they didn't tell Superman everything and they can't yet trust him and it's all too risky and nothing we've never heard before in scenes exactly like this one across all the comics always.

Aquaman meets up with a missionary visiting Atlantis bringing the word of the One True God. He was trying to find Olympus so he could tell the Olympians that they weren't real but he missed the left turn at Albuquerque and wound up under the Atlantic Ocean.

The fight at the Energy Plant isn't going so well. Also, in case the invitations weren't a clue, it's revealed that The Infinity Corporation set it up. I guess it's an important part of the plan to save the future (which doesn't matter because it's fluid and not now which is the important thing. No wait! Now is the important thing! I mean the "now" of you reading this not the "now" of me typing this because that's long in the past which doesn't matter or hasn't happened or something).

Jesus Christ. Is the Justice League Book of One-liners literally just one line long?!

The Flash, in order to escape from Parasite, runs around the Earth really fast twelve times but then can't stop because fuck you. So he needs Superman to catch him so he speaks while running faster than the speed of sound which means Superman has no possibility of hearing him before he runs through the power plant again. Of course, being a comic book (and also fuck you), Superman does hear him. But he's unable to stop him because fuck you and comic books. Instead, Barry Allen runs into Hal whose ring is opening a wormhole to Oa (which doesn't exist anymore because fuck you and comic books) and they're both knocked into the wormhole where they disappear in a comic book fuck you. Wonder Woman has disappeared because she was hearing voices so it's up to Superman, Batman, and Cyborg to stop Parasite.

The plan is to hook Parasite up to the power plant and light the entire country drawing power from the Parasite. Now all they have to do is feed him puppies and kittens and America will have free power! If you don't mind the murder of thousands of puppies and kittens. Which I think most people don't mind because hardly anybody donates to developing only no-kill shelters. Vile miscreants! At least now the puppies and kittens will be giving their lives for the greater good. Like Spock!

After Parasite is drained of his power, Batman kicks his teeth out for good measure. Then Superman, being The World's Greatest Detective's Best Friend, realizes that everything is connected because of the invitations. Not worrying about where Diana, Barry, or Hal wound up, Clark asks Victor to BOOOM Tube them to New York so they can confront the Infinity Corporation. The only problem is the Corporation is gone. But an alien ship arrives to greet them! What a coincidence! And the alien ship looks like a crucifix so that must be Double Plus Good, right?!

Christ. Another god with a savior complex.

Justice League of America #1 Rating: It isn't as great as it wants you to think it is. It's a little bit V by way of The New Testament with a detour through a Rube Goldberg device. Why did they have to fight the Parasite? Probably because the plan was to get Hal and Barry and Diana and Arthur out of the picture when Superman first meets Rao. Or the Infinity Corporation are trying to defeat Rao and they needed the Parasite Plot for yet explained reasons. I don't know. What I do know is that I probably would have liked it better without the Infinity Corporation telling Superman that they've seen the end of everything and it all needs to be saved. I would rather have had some mystery people not yet explained setting up the Parasite battle which eventually would be overshadowed by the appearance of Rao. That probably leaves the readers with more questions but at least it drops the fucking plot crutch where some person who knows the future tells the characters about how the future must be stopped which sets them in motion. At least stopping the Parasite is an end unto itself. And then Rao appearing as a savior is just another thing that the heroes need to deal with. Now they can be approached by a mysterious group who would be all, "Dudebro! Rao is bad for everything!" And Superman would be all, "Nuh uh!" And the Infinity Corporation would be, "Yeah hunh!" And Batman would be all, "--tt--." I just think the series is trying to be way bigger than it needs to be. It's like Jazz Hands set to five million RPMs when it really just needed a few good shakes ending with a knee slide.

All Star Section Eight #1

Oh! Oh! I know how this series will end!

Sixpack and the rest of Section Eight are going to be such complete nuisances and waste so much of Batman's time that it'll force Batman to resurrect Tommy Monaghan so that Hitman can keep Section Eight in control! And then Garth Ennis gets to write another run of Hitman!

The first thing I noticed about the cover was that Sixpack was probably fucking the Bat Signal. You just can't see his dick flopped out of his fly because his leg is in the way and he's drunk so little Sixpack isn't really up to the task. The second thing I noted was that the issue number doesn't have the tiny mini-series print "1 of 6" like on Bat-mite and Bizarro. Does that mean Garth Ennis is going to tell this story until he's done telling this story? Or does it just mean DC Comics made a mistake that will dash what little hope I have left against the rocks of ultimate despair? The third thing is I'm not drunk. I think I should be drunk while reading this. But I have to work tonight. I don't mind driving to each store drunk but it might be a little dangerous operating a floor buffer while intoxicated.

All Star Section Eight begins with a flash back to the Preboot Universe. You can tell it's the Preboot Universe because Superman and Batman have their underwear on the outside of their costumes. Plus the Narration Boxes are describing a time when super heroes were heroic and their battles meant more than just protecting their own lives and reputations.

The Narrator must be Sixpack because he goes on to say how the greatest heroes of the time always talked about the greaterest heroes of the time being Section Eight. That seems a bit farfetched! Unless they were constantly talking about them because they couldn't believe Section Eight actually existed. Especially Bueno Excellente.

And his dong! I didn't know you could show dong in a Teen Plus comic book! This is exciting!

The Narrator mentions a battle where Section Eight fell protecting the world and Sixpack sacrificed himself to save that world. But what happened to Sixpack? Where does the story go from there?

The scene opens on an art gallery in New York's Chelsea district where art critic Sidney Speck amuses the crowds with his bon mots and tales of gauche poseurs of the art scene. One of the guests at the opening mixes up the drink orders. Sidney winds up with a rye and coke instead of the diet coke he ordered. You see, Sidney is an alcoholic! He can't touch alcohol or he becomes...he becomes...he becomes an embarrassment.

I have to imagine one thing the Avengers and Defenders never talk about is how Bruce Banner completely shits and pisses himself every time he transforms into The Hulk.

Sidney rushes over to the bar and chugs a pint of whiskey before coming around and finding himself in his Six Pack costume inside Noonan's with Baytor still tending bar. Hacken is hanging out at the bar. He's still missing a hand which he lost during zombie night at the Gotham Zoo. One of the guys in the crowd looks like Nat the Hat but that would be impossible even if this were a comic book where demons tend bar and seals become zombies and drunks dressed in super hero outfits piss themselves during a minor fugue state in the middle of the dance floor.

But Dogwelder was alive in the Sneak Peek! I think Six Pack might have memories of another universe!

Sixpack mentions that Bueno Excellente is still alive. Of course he is! He was part of Matches Malone's gang in Batman Incorporated!

That's semen. It's possibly Lobo's semen. Or, more probably, Bueno's own semen he felched out of Lobo's ass. That's not a joke. It's a more than likely pretty apt description of Lobo's only encounter with Bueno Excllente.

Sixpack goes through his Little Black Book of Potential Superheroes to audition new members for Section Eight. They're all various Bloodlines characters that didn't make the grade. Basically no Bloodlines characters made the grade except Hitman. Okay, maybe a few had some minor appearances here and there. But DC Comic's grab for trademarks disguised as a huge summer annual crossover really didn't create any hit characters. Except for Hitman! Bloodlines was a pretty shit stunt but since I was reading The Demon at the time and Hitman made his first appearance in The Demon annual, I have to credit it for giving me one of my favorite comic books of all time.

Sixpack's new team is composed of Dogwelder (probably Dogwelder II since the first Dogwelder was, you know, white. Also killed), The Grapplah!, Guts, Bueno Excellente, and Powertool. That's six members! Sixpack just needs two more. Baytor seems pretty excited to join which would leave one last open spot for Batman. Probably.

This might be the most disgusting moment in any comic book ever. At least up until Bueno actually sodomizes Guts.

Batman does indeed drive through the neighborhood so Sixpack runs out to ask him to join. Sixpack also shits himself on the way. Batman doesn't really give Sixpack the attention a drunk man in shit and piss stained pants deserves because he has to deal with a meter maid and an ATM and constant costume changes. Plus he needs a really dramatic moment for McCrea to draw and make some extra cash on the original pencils.

Although to get top dollar, it really needs to have the word balloons added.

Batman does not join Section Eight. But now Sixpack is thinking big! Next issue, it's time to recruit Green Lantern!

Section Eight #1 Rating: This comic book gets Batman exactly right. How have all the other comic books been writing him so poorly for so long?! Overdramatic Batman who must deal with all the same problems of being a person living in a city is Real Batman! I know when I hit an ATM and then head back to my car, I whisper dramatically, "Got to move fast!" Sometimes before I use the ATM, I'll whisper loudly, "One. Last. Chance!" I bet this is the Batman that Catwoman fell in love with! And seeing Bueno Excellente back in action is just as disturbing as I'd hoped it would be.