Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #6

That pussy can lick itself! Rimjob shot! If you like those jokes, you'll love this comic book.

Rating: -2 Ranking. Enough Harley Quinn! Enough! It's too much! Especially when it's six issues of the same joke over and over again! Go back to publishing four issue miniseries! Creators obviously don't have enough ideas to fill six issues! Examples: This! Bat-mite! Bizarro! Lost Army! Doomed! Okay, those last two were never meant to be six issue miniseries. But that's even worse! They were supposed to be ongoing titles and they didn't have enough ideas for six issues! Of course Prez could have kept going because the writer of that book, old what's-his-name, actually had shit to say! Here's what Scott Lobdell might as well have written for the script of Doomed: "Is this where I endorse my paycheck? How about here? Is the money in my account now? I'm a comic book writer! Whee!" And here's Cullen Bunn's DC scripts: "Work for hire so I don't care! Work for hire so I don't care! Wipe my dick on the script and nobody notices it's the most interesting part of the story!" That's sung to the tune of Fascination Street by The Cure. Maybe.

If I have to read one more joke about a woman's vagina and what it does when the woman is aroused that isn't written by me, I'm going to, well, probably get aroused myself. Enough Harley Quinn already!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #5

Time for another sexy chapter!

Once upon a time, a full month passed since the last chapter of this sexy story. Back then, it was a time of not knowing where the story was headed or how the penultimate chapter might end! "Penultimate" is a word that everybody knows because it is one of those long words that sound important and are easy to remember the definition of. I also like it because this is a sexy story and it has "pen" in it and you know what other word has "pen" in it, right? Wink, wink!

But now a month has passed! Vartox is not longer a Puritron so you can bet there will be plenty of sexy scenes today! I hope you already have you pants around your ankles and are sitting on a plastic sheet! Or at least, if you're male, have the plastic sheet a number of inches in front of you depending on the last time you had an orgasm. Keep it close if you have had one recently! But if you are all backed up because nobody will have sex with you and maybe your mother has been keeping a close eye on you and the amount of time you spend in the shower, you'd better put that plastic sheet like a foot or two away because you are going to go off like a messy bottle rocket!

But before everybody does it to everybody else (and you do it to yourself), they're probably going to have to battle some cockblocker named The Harvester of Sorrow. He's a great big handsome head with a beard made of sewer pipes because things are going to get super filthy in and around his face. If you're an adult, you totally know what I'm talking about. If you are a child, you should be thinking about cupcakes. Also maybe you shouldn't be reading this. Instead you should go tell your parents that they are not good at their job.

Mister Sorrow spreads madness all across the universe destroying star systems. If you want to know more about him, you should listen to Metallica's "Harvester of Sorrow." That should explain everything. I suppose I could explain it here but I don't want to repeat any of Metallica's lyrics because Lars Ulrich will sue me. So don't worry, Lars! This is a sex story and bringing up something like infanticide would just kill all of the boners.

The Harvester of Sorrow attacks but nobody's clothes fall off in the way that horny teenagers love clothes to fall off. Horny adults also like for that to happen. Sometimes adults and teenagers who aren't horny don't know that they want clothes to fall off until the clothes fall off and then the horniness sets in. Some good advice when you want to do it with somebody is to just get naked in a room full of people and ask if anybody is horny. Some gross people will say that they are horny but then you should just put your clothes back on and say you are no longer horny instead of saying that they are gross because that's mean. Even gross people don't want to be rejected harshly. Believe me, I know that because a gross friend of mine told me how my feelings were hurt every time somebody told me they didn't want to do it with me because I was gross.

This story is getting less and less sexy every page!

Inside the Cockblocker's head, Harley discovers some berry stickers with bubble gum guns. Those sound like the kinds of things that children would be into! I guess adults that want to appear youthful and whimsical and carefree would also be into bubble gum guns and berry sticker security guards. But us adults who like to do it do not have time for kiddie things! Although I would love to earn a Scratch-n-Sniff banana sticker for being good at doing it to a lady!

Oh wait! I found a sexy part!

And that's about it for the sexy part so you might want to finish while looking at Harley kissing Ivy. I'll wait.

Okay, so the men are back now! You guys missed the part where the giant head caught a Joker virus from Harley and then exploded. I suppose there was another slightly sexy part when you could see Harley's Butt Window but it was really small and not worth mentioning in the story. Also I forgot I was writing a sexy story because this comic book wasn't sexy at all. That feels like a bait and switch because all of the other issues were very sexy and this one was just weird. I didn't even mention the people with billiard balls for heads!

Anyway, the planet was saved and everybody decided it was time to sit in hot tub full of orifice massaging tentacles. But before that happens, Vartox decides to propose to Power Girl because he really wants to put his penis into her vagina on a regular basis. The ring is his way of claiming Power Girl as his own so that other men will go, "I really want to put my penis in that lady's vagina but I can see by the ring on the appropriate finger that she has been claimed by somebody already. So instead I will just get a good look at her and masturbate later while thinking about how she might put her mouth on specific parts of my body that normally people don't put their mouths on." But the story ends before Power Girl can say yes or no because that is called the cliffhanger and it is meant to get the reader frothing at the mouth about what will happen next. Here is a clue: Power Girl marries him for the ring to get home! Remember how that clue was given to readers in Harley Quinn #12? In that issue, I predicted this adventure would go something like this:

[T]hen they get teleported back to another world and then return roughly one second after they left for that one. But since the comic book is only twenty pages, that adventure will have to be left to everybody's imagination. It was probably full of hot, steamy showers, lots and lots of orgies, cupcakes and doughnuts, and explicitly drawn oral sex between all manner of genders.

I think that was a pretty accurate prediction!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #5 Rating: No change. This issue did not have enough sex or near sex or hinted at sex or off-color sex jokes or mentions of Harley's beaver or innuendos about sex or anything sexy at all. My pants are full of disappointment.

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #4

I knew it too! Master Comic Book Reader!

This is part two of the sexy story I was writing last time which was wholly original and super sexy. It was full of man parts interacting with lady parts and lady parts interacting with shower nozzles and lady parts being looked at by man parts (the eye parts!) and man parts being hinted about because they're far too gross or sexy to mention completely or to show erect if you want your book to become a movie which can be shown in a theater whose floors are only sticky due to spilled pop. At the conclusion of the first sexy part, Power Girl had just been overcome by Vartox the Puritron's Semen Eye Beams. They were all "SPLOOSH!" and Power Girl's breasts were all "STICKY!" and all the readers were all satisfied. But now the readers have had time to get unsatisfied which is also called horny in less respectable places of soft repute. So I must satisfy them once more with my sexy writing style!

Before I continue with my story, let's play a game! Plumber or Power Girl?!

If you guessed "plumber," you probably forgot which comic book I was "reviewing".

Power Girl and Vartox the Puritron were locked in a vicious battle of punching each other in the faces. I will not describe the battle in detail because this is not a story about kinky behavior. I will not have people who get turned on by violence getting turned on by reading my sexy story for people who get turned on by not-so-subtle innuendo about man rods and pool parties in panties. If you're into violent boners, you should probably be reading Batman. I'm pretty sure he's beating the teeth out of somebody right now in his Annual. You should put your pants on and go to your local comic book store to pick it up. But wear a long coat because nobody wants to see your raging bat boner if you are a guy or your slowly spreading love stain if you are a woman who probably forgot to put on her underwear and is wearing white Capri pants.

Harley Quinn joined the battle riding on the back of her Joker colored Battle Cat which could speak. I don't remember where it came from. Maybe it's Groovicus Mellow's Space Dong? If so, it's bigger than I suspected! And I was suspecting a pretty big Space Dong based on Groovicus Mellow's look by which I mean skin color unless even stereotypes that I would like to be typed with are bad and then I meant because he just sounds like the type of guy who would own a big Space Dong. And also it's probably a rescue because that's the cool way to get a Space Dong. You don't want to support greedy Space Dong Mills. Although I don't actually think Harley is riding Groovicus's Space Dong into battle at all. Obviously this is Harley's Space Pussy.

Vartox the Puritron began to choke Harley Quinn to death because he was exhausted by her eyeballs trying to look up his loin cloth. But then Harley's Space Pussy began to purr and Vartox was all, "Why am I so calm and happy now?! Only true monsters do not love Space Pussy! You can tell the character of a person by their love of Space Pussy! When a person sees a Space Pussy and is all, 'Argh! Get that awful thing away from me! It is so selfish and doesn't approve of me at all and it has hurt me feelings! I wish it were a Space Dong because they will love anything! They will even love things that have just beaten them with a miniature Spaceball Bat!', you know that person is not a person to be liked at all and is probably a big jerko!" Also in the background which I should probably describe so I could fill a few hundred pages like that Tolkien guy, some mushrooms were growing and looking like stumpy penises which means normal sized.

Harley Quinn's Space Pussy convinced Vartrox to stop being a Puritron because it was so soothing to look at and to listen to as well if you're into that sort of thing. So Vartox was all, "Hey! I am myself again. Let us shagadelic, baby!" And then somebody probably said "That's what he said!" because Michael Scott was quoting Austin Powers but now everybody is just quoting Michael Scott. "That's what he said," everybody probably just said.

If anybody was wondering where Harley Quinn got her Space Pussy, I have decided, of my own free will and from my own imagination, to come up with Harley's Space Pussy's Origin Story.

And then the giant Space Pussy licked itself.

Vartox the No Longer Puritron grabbed up Power Girl in his arms and kissed her which gave him the feelings inside that one gets when one kisses a person whom a person wants to kiss. Good feelings, probably, since I see people kissing all over the place and it seems like they like it. Sometimes it seems like they really like it if they are wearing jogging pants or white Capri pants! Usually when I see people kissing at the mall, I think of saying something super witty like "Get a room!" but then forget to say it because some butt touching happens and then I just think "I hope they don't get a room at all and just do it right here in public!" It's about that time that I start to get really uncomfortable eating my hot dog on a stick.

Power Girl threw Vartox against a mountain because she still has Puritron feelings having been raised on Krypton where nobody ever put ding dongs in hoo-has because they had a really excellent Test Tube Baby program. Jor-el was the only Kryptonian that was curious about sticking his ding dong in a hoo-ha instead of in a test tube. And Lara was totally into giving it a go too because she was a total slut. I wish I would meet a total slut! Where does one go to meet one? The zoo? An arcade? The Hallmark Store?

Thanks to the magic of Harley Quinn's Space Pussy, Vartox was once again his normal self and the fighting stopped for all time. At least between the the heroes of the story! More fighting will take place later against Oreo the Buzzkill.

If Earth is where all of the sluts are, how come I can't find any?!

Oreo the Buzzkill attacked with his army of Sex Nuns. Not that they're nuns that like to have sex but they're nuns who think the number of sexual partners a person should have is none. It's a pun or something. Whatever it is, it isn't very erotic at all! I thought this story was supposed to be full of sentences that make your stomach feel like you have diarrhea but in a good way. I guess I'll have to pad it with some of those moments so everybody gets their money's worth (even if no money was spent to get this worth).

The explosion exploded Harley Quinn across the barren landscape that was not completely barren due to all of the penis-shaped mushrooms growing in the background. As Harley flew through the air, her thong underwear that she had put on backwards disappeared for mysterious reasons that probably won't be explained later since that part doesn't matter. The part that matters is that her lady parts were now flapping and flopping all over the place. Unless lady parts do something else when exposed to the air. Perhaps expand and throb? If you've seen lady parts before in real life, just picture them doing whatever they were doing that time you saw them. Also if you are the type of lady who isn't turned on by lady parts, just wait until the next sentence! Harley thought she was dead for sure but she was caught in the arms of Vartox whose loin cloth had fallen to the side exposing his penis which looked like a mushroom. But it looked like a huge mushroom that had veins in it and was probably throbbing too. It was either circumcised or uncircumcised depending on which one you find more attractive although since it was erect, it probably didn't matter. It was the exact right size to not be intimidating at all and looked like the kind of thing you would want to put in your mouth, like a Popsicle or a retainer. It was super hot to look at especially since it was now so close to Harley's exposed lady parts which were probably dripping or erect or whatever they do when they're in proximity to a penis. The readers probably had to take a break now to go masturbate because this scene was so exciting.

But then Oreo the Buzzkill turned his gaze on the naked flesh of his enemies and was perturbed! Wait a second. Let me check the dictionary. Yes, yes. He was perturbed verily much!

So the whole world conquering thing was due to having a small penis? Now we all know what Mongul's Dong looks like! What's the smallest mushroom? That's what it looks like!

Power Girl defeats Oreo the Buzzkill while he's distracted by Vartox's Massive Space Dong (not the pet kind of Space Dong this time but actually his penis). But that's not the end of the story! The end of the story will only take place after Power Girl and Harley Quinn defeat Oreo's boss: The Harvester of Sorrow! I bet he was cheated of his youth. I bet somebody turned some lie to truth.

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #4 Rating: +2 Ranking or something, I guess. I mean, this comic book is fun and enjoyable but it shouldn't be read by anybody because it is full of sexy things which Americans are not allowed to read. They are sinful and inappropriately fun. As an American, I know I should not be reading this at all. It is my duty to be dour and to tsk tsk anybody that thinks about sex in any way other than for making a baby. When an American has sex, he or she should only be thinking about babies the entire time. Men's sex talk should be things like, "I am going to put my penis inside your vagina in the hopes that I can shoot enough sperm into you so that one of them will swim up your lady parts that I don't know the name of because I never had a proper sex education class and the sperm will fertilize your egg which will immediately become a living being loved by all strangers (at least until it is born and then forget about it)." Then the woman should say, "Oh yes, yes. Make a baby inside of me! But be careful that I do not orgasm because women should not be enjoying sex at all. That is the man's prerogative!" Then nine months later everybody can enjoy the baby until they are shot in a random act of violence that can not be stopped so why even try. America!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #3

Looks like another episode of "This comic book is all about fucking but it's teen rated so we can make a shitload of money which means we had to leave the actual fucking out of it. Sorry!"

Harley Quinn removed the finger (or two?) a woman most commonly puts inside of her pee hole for pleasure and spoke into the ship's microphone which was super close to her mouth and reminded the reader that sometimes women put penises in their mouths. She sexily began to talk like Captain Kirk in those scenes where he would tell the viewers everything they needed to know before watching the rest of the show which would be about the officers risking their life by exploring a strange and dangerous planet when they should probably stay aboard the ship while only lower ranked crew members beamed down to the planet. That Enterprise ship was poorly managed!

"Starbanger twenty-three point five seven point more numbers: today we approach a planet that looks like a butthole. We plan on going in fast so that the Puritrons won't know what hit them. We are on a mission to rescue Sexman the Horny which will probably end in tons of finger tonguing and groin scuffling. We should probably only wear underwear on the mission even though this is just a word story and not a visual story and the horny people reading it will just have to imagine how just a tiny bit of my areola shows over my lacy bra (which is probably see through as well so you can see everything but seeing the bit that is uncovered is a super turn on still so we'll leave it like that). And they'll just have to imagine how my thong underwear was put on backwards because I was in such a hurry this morning so the thin part is hardly covering any of my lady parts at all! And my lady parts are all quivery and excited because I'm going to get to meet, and probably have marital infidelities with, Sexman the Horny!"

"What are you doing?" asked Power Girl as she slowly pulled on her crotchless granny panties. One of her massive boobs had fallen out of the hole in her outfit because that hole was an extremely bad idea with boobs that big. Her Kryptonian nipple was about seven inches long and totally weird but in a way that made people in the movie theater after this story has been adapted into a film scream, "I've got a very erect thingy now!"

Harley Quinn scoffed at Power Girl not sitting on her face. That scene would just have to wait for later unless that's not a sex move and just an accident that sometimes happens to two women who love each other very much or just met even. "I am smarter than you!" The words squelched out of Harley's perfect mouth and penetrated both of Power Girl's ears. Power Girl let out a sigh or a moan and Kryptonian love goop dripped out of the crotchless part of her underwear. "I love it when you talk to me!"

Groovicus Mellow and his probably Massive Space Dong (because he was an African American Spaceman and everybody knows how much they love to bring their pet Space Dongs with them) said, "Ladies! We have arrived at the city which looks like dozens of penises thrusting their engorged veinyness straight into space!"

We all do, Harley. All the time.

"Why are all of those buildings so erect?" Harley queried her lady parts which were smashed up against the window in a very flattering way. "I wish I had brought my beaver into space with me so I could make some very direct and unsubtle jokes about touching it!" Power Girl rolled her eyes and shoved her boobs back into her suit and waved her hands in the air and said, "I'm totally not into sex at all and this story is not making me feel sexy!" Groovicus Mellow winked at his Space Dong which drooled a little bit.

"Sexman the Horny once had to go fifty years without ever having sex," proclaimed Groovicus Mellow which made everybody smirk and titter because we all know how ridiculous it would be for somebody to have to go without sex for fifty years, right?! So crazy! I mean, we get that sometimes people go without sex for say...forty-three years, maybe. But fifty?! That's beyond comprehension! I hope!

Harley Quinn lifted her stinky finger into the air and said, "One time in high school when I was super horny but not allowed to act on it because the society I'm from frowns on women enjoying sex and also thinks that young women should deprive themselves of the pleasure of sex because they have these laws where young women can't have sex with guys if they're too old which means they have to have sex with guys their own age who don't know how to give good sex yet and are always disappointing in the sack for the ten seconds of wasted time you spend in the sack with them, I drew lots of erect thingies on my Pee-Chee folder during Algebra. Now whenever I think of the Quadratic Equation, my panties fill up with love minestrone." If a sexier soup is invented by the time this story becomes a movie, it should replace "minestrone" in the script. Also in the Indian translation of this story, that should probably read "my panties fill up with love vindaloo."

Harley's speech was interrupted by a fleet of fighters attacking their ship and the way too accurate uncircumcised penis shaped ship of the Extreme Girlfriends Fighting and "The Other F-Word" Force. The battle would surely be super exciting but in a different way from the kind of exciting this story is supposed to incite, so it should be over quickly. Boners mixed with aggression should probably be limited to just fifteen or twenty pages.

Harley Quinn abandoned the ship because she's practically a Green Lantern now that she found some Hard Light Gloves in a previous episode. "I want to have all the sex but I can't so I will destroy things," she screamed as she flew spread-eagled into battle. "I hope nobody gets a peak at my undercarriage as I fly about murdering Puritrons! And I probably should have put my underwear on correctly because it is really uncomfortable probably because it's smooshing my lady thing or riding up it or getting tangled up in it or something. It would be easier to describe if I knew what one looked like! I mean a thong and not a lady's thingy, of course, since I am a lady and I look at my thingy nearly every day," explained Harley in a way that made the readers nod appropriately and maybe put a hand down their pants.

Power Girl followed Harley Quinn into the battle because Power Girl knew she could enjoy beating people up and forget about all the fun, bawdy sex stuff that is subtly happening in the background which I'm mentioning just in case you didn't notice any of it. Go back and reread it with that in mind and you'll see how I've been inserting lots of sexy parts into the story! The battle was also joined by Cherub, Sexman the Horny's fling from college. Cherub is a male which shows just how much Sexman the Horny is into sex that he'll sex up men and women. He probably even sexily stroked Groovicus Mellow's Massive Dong once!

Is the portal line a sex joke or just an observation? Is everything in this book a sex joke? Am I a sex joke?

Cherub set his ship to self-pleasure and ejaculated out of it and into Power Girl's arms. His ship entered the massive portal and exploded. With the violent part of the story over, Harley Quinn and Power Girl and Cherub returned to their ship to shower together for five or six descriptive pages. But they're distracted by Groovicus Mellow who is partaking in a drug party with drugs so I won't have to do any research on the female anatomy for the shower scene. I'm not even sure how to write an all-female shower sex scene! Can I use words like throbbing and boner and penetration? Or do I have to stick to words like sensuous and open mouthed kissing and erotic friend touching? How do two women have sex with each other? Do they eat salad and talk about boys until they're tuckered out?

Mellow's drugs perforated the entire space ship so everybody got super high and turned into Moritat drawings which meant they were suddenly super cute and reminded me how much I miss Tallulah Black. Power Girl's hand turned into a zebra and said, "I am not Power Girl's hand anymore! I am Marty and I want to tell you where Power Girl has been putting me!" But then Power Girl strangled Marty into speechlessness because she's supposed to be grossed out by sex stuff and she didn't want her zebra telling Harley Quinn how much she actually enjoys finger tooting and shower nozzling. Harley Quinn was all, "Time to write a Hunter S. Thompson story!" And Power Girl sighed and said, "Ugh. I hope you actually know Hunter S. Thompson's voice and how to imitate it when you do the story and you're not just one of those people who once saw Fear and Loathing in New Mexico and decided you were a huge Hunter S. Thompson fan because he did drugs and stuff!" And Harley Quinn put a Quaalude in her butthole and said, "Relax, mon ameeba! I gat dis voice downed pat, true 'nuff!"

So this is where a scene happens that makes the audience go, "Oh yeah! That's totally Hunter S. Thompson but mixed with comic book references and I totally get it all because I'm super up on all that jazz!" Plus Spider Jerusalem makes an appearance but he's missing the tattoo of the spider on his head for some incomprehensible reason that is totally incomprehensible no matter how many people message me saying it isn't and explaining it to me.

Why did all of the drug stuff take precedence over Mr. Mxyzptlk oral sexing Harley?

The drug party eventually ended without anybody's nether regions having a fun time (except maybe Harley's which may or may not have orgasmed in the fifth dimension. I bet during oral sex Mr. Mxyzptlk would accidentally say Kltpzyxm! How come Superman never tricked him that way?) and the hog-loving heroes went back on the case which was a rescue mission, remember? They were trying to save Sexman the Horny so he could teach them all the proper way to scream, "HOLY CRAP I'M ENGAGING IN THE BEST SEX EVER AND PROBABLY ORGASMING ACROSS SEVERAL DIMENSIONS!" I'm going to scream that when I have sex. You know, the next time I have sex which will be really soon and, anyway, it wasn't that long ago when I last had sex either.

Groovicus Mellow was so high on the drugs that he wasn't able to react quickly enough to dodge an evil blast from the now evil Sexman the Horny! "Gasp!" says the audience as they realize Sexman the Horny has been turned to the dark side by Oreo the Deliciously Evil! "Now we must fight the person we came to save," screamed Power Girl! "Or we can just have sex with him because he's a bad guy now and bad guys totally know how to sex better than good guys. Let's not waste this opportunity! Right, my lady parts?"

"Goosh!" replied Harley Quinn's lady parts.

First Blumpkin joke ever in a mainstream superhero title?

Harley Quinn's lady parts were soon crying down her legs at the sight of such a manly example of a manly man. But Power Girl was disgusted due to her Kryptonian upbringing which made her brain say the exact opposite of what her vagina was feeling. "He is gross!" screamed Kara as her Vagina said, "GARGLE OOZE GRUMPHLE SQUIRT!"

Sexman the Horny attacked the lusty women by shooting Semen Beams out of his eyes. The curvy heroes hopped out of the way because they weren't ready to take care of baby heroes any time soon. They also may have been doing less dodging and more trying to find a better vantage point to sneak an upskirt peek of Sexman the Horny's missing unmentionables.

Definitely testicles and space dong. And to think, Simon Bizley couldn't even get away with sneaking a penis onto Lobo's arm!

"Please save my friend and probably next lover," begged Groovicus Mellow to Power Girl who was apparently the greatest love of Sexman the Horny but in another universe and time that this Power Girl didn't remember.

"I will not save him because he will probably try to put his tongue into one of my orifices that I usually pretend don't exist," Power Girl lectured. "Grumble mutter hazzafraggin sazz," sputtered Power Girl's butthole.

"Your butthole makes a pretty fair argument," replied Harley sniffing long and deeply.

"Okay, fine! I will speak with him and turn him back into the good Sexman the Horny. Or at least the version of him that is not trying to kill us but trying to have sex with us instead. I do not know why we would want that version though," responded Power Girl heroically as she flew off to save the day like her cousin always does, quickly and nonsexually.

Power Girl flies off and punches Sexman the Horny in the face. But Sexman the Horny does not lose so easily! Instead he says things like, "Your outfit does my penis a service!" and "Your feminist funbags pose a mighty argument which logic cannot counter!" and "Sex is for bad people because I am currently the opposite of Sexman the Horny due to being controlled by that Oreo guy, remember?" Power Girl's brain sort of agrees with that last point but she punches from her vagina and it completely disagrees with Sexman the Horny's philosophy of denying penises and vaginas pleasure. Thus it is understandable when I end my story by using the word "thus" and pointing out how Vartox blasted Power Girl with his Semen Vision while she was distracted by his barely covered jiggly bits. To be continued!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. This comic book is a filthy bit of pornographic swill which will completely offend any sensible comic book fan. But since no sensible comic book fans read my blog, none of you have to worry about being offended by it. It's deliciously bawdy with occasional bits of overly bawdy and too many bits of not bawdy enough. Also, Moritat draws three fucking pages of the most adorable Harley Quinn and Power Girl this side of my wet dreams. This is the issue where the book really finds a comfortable stride. The jokes come together with the story and it just really works. My main complaint is that the rating on the cover wasn't XXX so I still haven't gotten twenty two pages of Power Girl sitting on Harley's face while Poison Ivy orally pleasures her best friend with maybe Batman pounding Ivy in the ass. And not Bruce Wayne Batman! I want Jim while inside the Honey Bunny Bat Armor!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #2

This cover is unrealistic. Harley's left hand should be cupping Power Girl's right boob.

When we last saw Power Girl and Harley Quinn, they were stranded on the planet Let's Fuck, Baby. They needed to find some perv named Lord Vartox so they could borrow his teleportation ring and get back to Earth. But there's an invading force of puritanical acne-faces who want to stop all of the guy boners and lady boners (I can't wait to find out what a lady boner is!) in the universe. Plus a lot of "-olees" were added to the ends of words.

After some bawdy humor, this "-olee" happens.

The Mechadentist is actually Killy-McHappybot 2.0. It's not as cute as Carl the End-of-Life Bear. Carl gives out drugs and brownies that probably have drugs in them and banana pudding that kills you. Killy-McHappybot 2.0 sews orifices shut. I know which robot I'd rather meet! Although I have a friend who hates bananas so much, she might actually choose to encounter the orifice sewing robot. At least then Carl couldn't shove any banana pudding into her.

While Power Girl battles lots and lots and lots and lots of Puritans on Speeder Bikes, Harley Quinn searches for a weapon to defeat Killy-McHappybot 2.0 before it sews her Holee holee up.

Harley forgot to add "-olee" to something!

Harley makes a hard light sledgehammer of the usual proportions so she can battle Killy-McHappybot 2.0 amid broken sex statues of asses, nipples, and hands with fingers in Standard Fingering Position #1.

Harley takes her hammer and refashions Killy-McHappybot 2.0 to look like her beaver.

On the surface of the planet, Power Girl has been knocked unconscious. But she's rescued by Fuck Me, Baby's protectors, the XXX-Men (who are mostly women although we all understand how "men" can often be used in a way which does not denote gender, right?).

The Triple-X Men are actually the XGF which is probably Ex-Girlfriend Force or just Ex-Girlfriends if you want it to be non-super-heroic sounding. That's probably why they're mostly female. Cherub must be from Lord Vartox's college years.

This is a glimpse into Midnighter's future if he keeps tagging everybody he bangs with communicators.

Harley rejoins the group and they all rush off to the moon of Lustox to rescue Vartox who has become a mindless sex slave of Oreth Odeon!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #2 Rating: No change. This comic book is exactly what you would expect it to be so it really doesn't need to be reviewed by anybody. Everybody will know whether they're going to like it or not as soon as they see it on the shelves. It's silly and bawdy and Harley is Harley and Power Girl could probably loosen up just a tad although I understand that she needs to be the adult in this relationship so I forgive her. I hope next issue somebody fucks somebody else! I'm all worked up from all the bawdiness! I think. When you're stomach growls, it means you're horny, right?

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #1

Is this comic going to tell the tales of their alternate dimension shenanigans where Power Girl winds up married?

I think this is going to be one of those comic books that I don't need to write much about because I don't really need to remember what's going on from month to month. And everybody pretty much knows what they're going to get with an Amanda Conner/Jimmy Palmiotti slashfic by this point. Although throwing Justin Gray into the mix is kind of kinky.

The issue begins with Harley Quinn and Power Girl having been teleported to La Galaxia del Sombrero by The Clock King. Harley and Kara run into a horny Yoda dude. Then they encounter an eight-headed hydra thing which swallows Power Girl much the way the horny Yoda dude wanted to do. But playa didn't have no game. He was all, "There's a party in my pants and I already came. Oh. I said that wrong. Meet my hydra!" And then the hydra was all, "Roar! Gulp! Boing!" And Harley was all, "Holee holee holee holee!" And DC Comics was, "Is this check big enough, Mister and Missus Amanda Conner?!" And Justin Gray was all, "Can't we do a waaaAAAaaaaAAAaaar stoooOOOooooOOOOoOOOoooreeeeEEEEeEEEeee?" And I was all, "No way in hell am I going to take this commentary seriously."

Eventually, a massive robot head lying in an overgrown jungle welcomes Kara back and initiates the Love Nest Protocol. I think that means she's going to have to slip into something more comfortable! Which, judging by her regular costume, will turn this into a Mature-rated comic book.

The robot head offers to take Harley and Karen to the man behind the Love Den, Lord Vartox. He's currently busy right now with Oreth Odeox.

Judging by his outfit, his facial hair, and an earlier mention of his penchant for free love and a fetish for humans, this is probably the tamest way Lord Vartox could have been introduced.

Holee word that doesn't normally rhyme with holee but Harley makes rhyme with holee by adding "-olee" to it, the ladies' ship gets shot out of the air and crash lands on the planet. I bet Power Girl is going to be angry! And Harley will be somewhat nonplussed and maybe a little bit too excited.

Oreth Odeox has taken it upon himself to rid the universe of hedonism. So he's a bit like the Guardians with their mission to rid the universe of masturbation! That makes Oreth the second worst villain (after the Guardians!) to ever appear in a DC Comic book. Why is the Justice League battling Darkseid and the Anti-Monitor? They should be battling all of these aliens that want to end orgasms.

This guy has a low bar definition for prostitution!

Power Girl decides that lost on an alien planet and surrounded by hostile alien creatures who are comparing her private parts to the feet of alien animals is the best time to lecture Harley about not killing sentient creatures. I suppose there's no better time for it, really, since if she doesn't tell Harley this exact second, a lot more alien creatures are going to die. Harley's defense is that it was a tiny gun and she really didn't expect it to be so powerful. Power Girl should understand that because, let's face it, hasn't Power Girl most likely killed multiple humanoid aliens whose bones just weren't able to take the same amount of beating as a human? She'd only discover that after smashing them into jelly with a punch that should have just knocked them out, right? No way Superman hasn't accidentally killed a human or five dozen in his life just calibrating the right amount of power to put behind his punches. Plus what if it's an extra sunny day and he's got a bit more power than usual so that his usual force is just a bit more lethal than normal?

See? Those guys are in hazmat suits for a reason! I bet those with damaged suits are now dead! Or maybe they just didn't want to get any semen on themselves.

Intermission mit Spoilers: I watched The Babadook last night and lost interest in whether the mother survived the trauma after she killed her dog, whether she was possessed or not! For those two people that didn't notice, Babadook equals A Bad Book. One thing the movie helped me realize is just how terrifying being schizophrenic can be. I'm not saying the mother was schizophrenic; she was just having a severe mental breakdown brought on by years of guilt, grief, stress, and overexertion. But because experiences on LSD are about as close as one can get to schizophrenia, and because I love LSD (although it's been about thirteen years since I last did any hallucinogens (or any drugs stronger than a Vicodin)), I always thought it would be interesting to live with that perspective on a daily basis. I wasn't totally naive though! I knew it would also be exhausting and often confusing in the moments when your perception really skews and you lose all sense of ego or time or place. And it probably wouldn't be as enjoyable without being able to find a peaceful moment where you could reflect on and contemplate your experiences of warped perception. But The Babadook was a well done portrait of just how terrifying madness can be. The end!

That Intermission was brought to you by Power Girl's sound effect (BADABOOOM!) which reminded me of what I watched at three in the morning last night.

Power Girl and Harley Quinn meet up with some residents of Planet Let's Fuck, Baby. They believe Power Girl is "the mother to all." I think that means Vartox has a machine that turns his sperm into people and he extracts his sperm with a special medical device called a "Power Girl Fuck Android."

I bet his teleportation ring is his anal sphincter! Is that too naughty for Amanda, Jimmy, and Justin's little bit naughty book?

Before Power Girl and Harley Quinn can be led to Vartox, they're beset upon by dozens of Odeox's henchmen in hover cycles. Be with us next time when we'll hear Harley say, "Holee Karflippian Toeee, we're skunked!"

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #1 Rating: Let's face it. This feels a little lazy. I'm not sure it was worth paying three writers to produce this story about two female superheroes dealing with a planet full of repressed fascists with an unhealthy obsession with quenching some of the best body fluids evolution ever invented. Stephane Roux is killing it on the art though. She should get the biggest cut of the book. I expect next issue's bawdiness will be funny because it's funny and not just funny because it's bawdy. This issue's jokes were not as well crafted as my $3.99 would have expected. There was a horny Yoda which was funny because he was Yoda but horny. There was a love den which was funny because it had lava lamps and 1970s smells which was funny because this generations' grandparents were swingers. One guy was named Mo'zit Blaqhed which was funny because his entire head was covered in zits and then Harley shot it with a gun and popped it like a big zit. Power Girl's camel toe was mentioned which was totally hilarious because she probably would have one, right?! Stupid comic books not being realistic enough to show camel toe. You know Superman and Flash would have pretty major moose knuckles, right? Then a black guy with an afro named Groovicus Mellow appeared to call Power Girl the "foxiest mama in the universe" which was totally hilarious because black people talked that way in the late sixties and seventies! Plus half of his afro was burnt off and he had a beard like Carl Anderson (and everybody else in Jesus Christ Superstar, really). Am I too grown up for a comic book like this?! No, no. The comic book isn't grown up enough for me to completely support it! It needs to be filthier! It needs to go full on Heavy Metal! Or worse! Although I'm having a hard time thinking what would be worse than Heavy Metal. Maybe a cartoon full of naked people but with a soundtrack by Linkin Park and Coldplay?