Convergence: Justice Society of America #2

Judging by the first half of the picture I drew on my old laptop (the right side!), you'd never guess that I'm finding it really difficult to draw with my new laptop's touchpad.

This morning I had a dream that I wrote a pilot for a Vixen television show for the CW. The cold open had Vixen tailing some presumable evildoer for unknown reasons. She realizes she needs to get closer and thus she needs to move more silently, so she takes on the power of a cat. But this version of Vixen borrows the powers of not just any cat but of the cat nearest her location, so she, unknowingly, grabs up the powers of an alley cat in heat. Also, this Vixen, for added television humorous entanglements, cannot just readily switch from power to power either. So she's following this guy silently but getting more and more horny as she goes. Eventually, she's so distracted, she rounds a corner, runs into the guy, and just starts kissing him. Cut to another scene where they're fucking. The camera pans around until it rests on Vixen's beautiful, dark-skinned face with a look of annoyed frustration instead of passion.

That was it. The scene could probably use a major rewrite but my dream brain doesn't have an editor. Although my brain editor would probably just channel Judd Winick and point out that she should say, "Not again!" Ha ha! Again! Always funny! Right, Judd?

Last issue, the old guys in the Justice Society of America became the young guys in the Justice Society of America. The women of Justice Society of America were probably in the kitchen. That wasn't my sexist statement! That's their sexism showing because they're old! They have old values! Also, how many women were even in this group? According to the one shot of the full team in last issue, I think there was one: Wonder Woman. Maybe the guys in the group thought she was "Oneder Woman" and figured she'd be outraged if they accepted a second woman onto the team.

Also, they were attacked by a robot of Qward because that's super not interesting at all. That makes it a lot more like a Golden Age Comic Book!

The issue is narrated by Doctor Fate. He keeps reminding the reader that the Justice Society are old men that aren't used to fighting in youthful bodies full of testosterone and vim and vigor and feelings of lust and boners and thoughts of just enough butt play to make the orgasm really intense. Those thoughts and feelings can really be distracting in battle especially after spending the last year just hoping when you go to the bathroom to urinate, you're able to actually get the flow going. I'm surprised that their battle repartee isn't all based around old episodes of Perry Mason and Murder She Wrote.

These guys are depressing the shit out of me. Being old must suck!

Of course this is only Dan Abnett's version of old people and he's only about fifty years old. So this is probably just him projecting his fears onto the Justice Society. I bet being old is equal parts liberating and terrifying! I bet super old people in their nineties or older think about death 95% of their waking lives. Kent Nelson's coma was probably a relief compared to what the other guys were going through.

I think Jay Garrick mentioned that last issue! I should think up my own thoughts!

The Justice Society revel in the feeling of being a hero. For once in their lives, they are not taking the power and the responsibility for granted. Unlike those young punks who don't know how good they've got it!

I heard "Jack and Diane" on the radio last week and it made me angry! That fucking lyric about holding on to fifteen as long as you can is bullshit! I get as an older person the fervent nostalgia for being in that youthful place but what kind of ridiculous advice is it to hang on to something over which you have no control! I guess Mellencamp just means it philosophically! Don't yearn for grown up things when you're that young because you'll be dealing with them soon enough and you'll wish you were young and irresponsible and glorious all over again. But even that makes me angry! Stupid time! Fuck you!

I hate this comic book! I'm throwing it away now! Here are some pictures from the rest of it. Try to figure out the story yourself! I'm too busy crying to type!

I don't know if they're planning battle strategy or they've called in a hooker.

They continue to battle the Qwardian Deathbot or fuck the hooker. I'm still not sure which they're doing because the only thing currently swimming before my eyes is the deep, dark blackness of non-existence.

Still not sure if it's a hooker or a Deathbot.

And then it's over.

I really hope they're talking about a Deathbot.

After the battle, the Justice Society return to old men. Their time is over and they go back to reminiscing about the good old days and pointing out how Infinity Inc. isn't doing super-heroing the way it's supposed to be done. Because back in their day...!

Convergence: Justice Society of America #2 Rating: Nine Colonoscopies out of Ten. This was, pure and simple, a love letter to the Justice Society, and to super heroes, and to savoring life. It was sweet. I hate sweet! I much prefer sour!

Divergence: Superman Loves Wonder Woman
"The epic new storyline 'TRUTH' continues! As the pressure mounts, a relationship is tested!"

I bet this comic book will now be twenty pages of Wonder Woman saying things like, "Why do you care so much about what Lois did?" And Superman saying, "It was my choice! She took it away! I hate her!" And Wonder Woman going, "I think you love her!" And Superman going, "If I love her so much, why don't I marry her?!" And Wonder Woman rejoindering, "Why don't you then?!" And Superman matter of facting, "I will!" And Wonder Woman screaming, "So do it!" And Superman replying, "I will! I'm going! Right now!" Then the title will be changed to Superman Is An Idiot.

Superman is still having trouble with every DNA scanning security device not recognizing him as Superman. He's also bleeding to death. So he's stealing a shuttle to fly out to the sun for a little spa retreat. Wonder Woman follows him because she's following her heart more than her brain.

Good one, Diana. Just follow him to your death. No big deal!

Was I supposed to read all of these "TRUTH" Sneak Peeks in a particular order? Because I'm completely confused by them. I should probably look them up and read them online so I understand what's going on before I begin reading June's comic books.

Hey! How can he be pushing a jump-light prototype shuttle too hard? It's supposed to jump to light speed! How do you push that too hard?!

The Sneak Peek ends with Superman telling Wonder Woman that he doesn't love her anymore. Classic ploy to push somebody away because you don't think they can deal with the shit you're dealing with! I hope Clark pushes Diana into Lex's arms!

I don't know what's going on with Tomasi on this book. I loved his Batman and Robin but he's been kind of crap on this title. Hopefully he'll turn it around and make this whole Superman losing his powers and his identity shit interesting.

Convergence #8

I actually made it to the final issue without anybody spoiling it for me!

The cover must portray the end of the book when Telos delivers all of the heroes to their new worlds in The New 52. Hopefully those new worlds include the entire universe they came from as well. The Multiversity Guidebook listed seven unknown dimensions. Hopefully those will be converted into old DC Universes that will subsequently be ignored for years. Except for the new Earth-2. After what DC did to it, Earth-2 needs a serious reboot. And probably a long shower too.

The issue begins with Doctor Fate speechifying and explicating up a storm. He explains how the death of Deimos has released the powers of all of the time travelers and has turned Planet Brainiac into "a proverbial bullet that will shatter the multiverse." Is this the Doctor Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs Doctor Fate because he's talking Madame Xanaduian nonsense! Nobody listen to Doctor Fate! I've never heard of this proverbial bullet that will shatter the multiverse! What proverb was that in?

The point to be taken from Doctor Barn Owl's words is that they're all going to die now. Everybody thank Uncle Parallax!

Hal Jordan is all, "No, no! Hold on! I wasn't finished yet! You can't critique my work until you've seen it to its end!" Then he quickly writes a script that portrays Starfire as something more than a cosmic cum dumpster and points out how everybody was completely wrong when they criticized him. No wait. That wasn't Hal Jordan! That was Scott Lobdell. Hal Jordan's lie to save face is just that he can stop the planet from becoming this mysterious proverb.

Hal's new plan is to gather up all of the Green Lanterns on the planet so that he can kill them and take their rings. Then he'll say, "Voila!" And nothing will be fixed but Hal will be even more powerful and might even survive the new crisis. But nobody trusts Hal probably because he actually vocalized that ridiculous plan. The Flashes begin to feel the world coming apart and Telos says, "The Countdown to Final Zero Infinite Crisis Point Hour Redux has begun!"

Great, Booster. You just had to bring Waverider into this. Can I get a refund now?

How long will this fight to survive go on before Booster Gold mentions that he comes from a universe that isn't represented by any cities on this planet which probably means that it has never been destroyed in a crisis! I bet he remembers when Waverider screams, "Booster! Only one chance left! You have to suck my cock!"

Waverider tells everybody his plan and then acts on it before anybody can chime in with a "Bad idea!" or a "Are you fucking nuts?" or "Where did Ambush Bug and Cheeks go?" His plan is to bring Mega-Brainiac back to the planet because Mega-Brainiac is the only being that can absorb all of the chronal energy threatening to destroy the multiverse. But the heroes pretend like they didn't hear Waverider's plan because they didn't come up with it, and they attack Brainiac.

You're the asshole who screamed attack, Superman. If this was your stance, why did you provoke him?

Superman's speech reminds Brainiac how he just wanted to be known as the most intelligent person in all of existence. Oh, poor boy! He's just suffering from low self-esteem. I think all he needs are billions and billions of tiny hugs.

Brainiac explains how he's experienced every single version of the DC Universe and survived them all. But the exposure to all of the nonsense left him riddled with Cosmic Time Cancer. Now he just wants to go back to being Brainiac from Colu. And he asks the super heroes for their help.

Meanwhile in The New 52 universe, the heroes have given up hope and gone home to wait for nonexistence to creep in. Superman holds Supergirl's hand and says, "Well, we did our best! We all gathered here by this strange anomaly, watched it for a bit, got hit by exploding chronomatter, and realized we couldn't do anything. Nobody can say we didn't try our hardest to save the universe!"

"Although," begins Kara, "If we really do believe this is the end of everything, shouldn't we have laid down our lives trying to stop it instead of just twiddling our thumbs?" Superman smiles a smile that he'd be surprised to learn made him look exactly like Ma Kent. And he says the last words he figures he'll ever say: "What are you? Dumb?"

Back on Planet Brainiac, Brainiac begins sending everybody back to their cities so he can return them to their original universes. He mentions something about resetting the Multiverse because it's been over three years without a universe changing crisis. But then something goes horribly wrong!

I don't get it.

So Brainiac says if the First Crisis isn't changed, the multiverse will once again collapse into one universe. So he wants the First Crisis to maintain a multiverse instead of it happening and destroying infinite Earths. But then he sends The Flash and Supergirl back in time so that they can die in the Crisis just the way it happened the first time. Wouldn't that result in the First Crisis not being changed and exactly what Brainiac doesn't want to happen to happen?

Maybe he'll explain it better if I keep reading.

Before Mega-Brainiac sends everybody back in time, the heroes form teams and decide to go back to different parts of the past to help defend against the various crises. Parallax wants to go back to Crisis on Infinite Earths to try to save The Flash and Supergirl. That means he won't be around to become The Spectre. I think DC has gone mad! After decades of trying to make their entire library of stories more coherent, they're now on the verge of making them incomprehensible!

I love it! Tear it all down! Blow it all up! DC Comics does like this theme of "52" so this must be their version of playing 52 Pick-up with their universe.

Who wants to be DC Comics does "Crisis On Infinite Earths Redux" with the new ending? Then they'll set up a few comics that continue from that version of the DC Universe. Dan Jurgens can write it since it'll have to take place in 1985.

Mega-Brainiac informs everyone that the heroes were successful. Crisis on Infinite Earths now happened differently! Now they'll have to deal with Zero Hour! Or have all the other crises just been wiped out by the change of the first one?

Apparently it changes everything. All of the worlds that were destroyed by Crisis on Infinite Earths actually survived. They've changed and evolved now because it's thirty years later and we don't want stories about a bunch of planets from 1985. Mega-Brainiac declares he's returning to Earth-0. But first he must cleanse Planet Brainiac. Too bad the Twofers and Telos are still on the surface! If Alan Scott can't save them with his Rainbow Energy power, they'll all be doomed!

Alan Scott converts Planet Brainiac to the new Earth-2 and Telos transports it back to Universe-2 where the survivors of World's End are still looking for a new home. Green Lantern sends out a Green Spectrum Flare for them to follow back to Earth. Hopefully when Dick is reunited with his son, he won't ever ditch him again for his son's own good.

At least the kid had the sense to ditch Barda!

Convergence #8 Rating: -1 Crisis on Infinite Earths out of 1 Crisis on Infinite Earths. Oh, DC Comics! Why can't y'all just be content with the universe as it is. It's not a puzzle that has to be solved. It's just a bunch of stories. This feels like the powers that be got together and asked, "When did our universe get so fucked up?" And what they came up with was that everything started getting screwed up after Crisis on Infinite Earths which was supposed to be their big fix. So what the current people in charge of DC Comics think is that more variety and insanity is good for comics. This was something that DC tried to quash for years. My question is this: how long before a new set of people in charge decide things should be more like the universe after Crisis?

Hopefully this revelation isn't treated as a "fix" of the universe. Hopefully DC has the endurance to run with it and just accept that this is their universe now. Every story is now in continuity. Even the ones that happened after Crisis are in continuity because they had to have happened to have the characters meet on Planet Brainiac so that they could eventually beat back the Anti-Monitor. So are y'all satisfied now? While your favorite characters might not be in a current book, their stories exist. They haven't been rebooted into oblivion. They're just part of a wacky-doodle universe that has never made complete logical sense no matter how much the powers that be wanted it to.

For some reason, this entire thing reminds me of Brandi Carlile's song "I Will."

Convergence: Wonder Woman #2

Aha! Now I finally see why vampires are so romantic!

Last issue ended with good old Etta Candy having the blood sucked out of her neck by Vampire Joker. My half-heartedly educated guess (the guess isn't half-hearted; the education is) is that this will be the only "Vampire Clown" story of the 21st Century. That seems more like something that tried to take hold in the Eighties with It and Killer Klowns From Outer Space. Maybe this century we'll get Werewolf Clowns or Mummy Clowns but I'm truly hoping that vampires are nearing their run of popularity. Somebody get Liches trending! Maybe in Pitch Perfect III, Fat Amy can be killed in a really hilarious moment that makes the audience laugh because, hey look! Amy is fat! Ha ha. Then Pitch Perfect IV's movie posters, when Fat Amy returns from the dead, can read, "The Lich is back!" Although I've never seen a fat lich so I don't know where the writers are going to find the humor in the fourth movie.

Remember the days when every fat character in every movie or television show had to be eating something in every scene they were in? Ha ha! Because they were fat! I've been rewatching Leave It To Beaver lately (I seem to do this every few years because it is awesome) and I've noticed in the first season, Larry Mondello is not really that fat. He's kind of the stocky kid that might become fat or could just as easily lose the fat as he gets older. But they have to have him with an apple or a candy bar in his hand in every scene he's in. I think that's the reason he became so much fatter in later seasons. Plus as a young kid, he probably thought his entire worth to the show was that he was fat, so he had to keep it up. Fucking directors made him fat by insisting that the entirety of his character was that he couldn't not eat. Fat people! Can you believe they actually eat food?! Ha ha! Control yourselves already!

I'm kind of like a fat person except instead of not being able to not eat, I'm not able to not write lots and lots of words! My whole premise for this commentary (mostly shtick just to make the commentary easier) was to just make every sentence one or two words. It would be like the notes of the commentary I was going to write. But I couldn't help writing that caption and then talking about vampires and then repeating myself about the way Hollywood treats fat characters which I've written about before but why not repeat material because I can't think up new shit to write about when I'm on nearly my 2401 DC comic book reviews and 17 Marvel comic book reviews and 1 review of an old Shade the Changing Man comic book. That's a lot of talking out of my ass. I think it might be unsustainable and I've reached Peak Ass Words! The whole system is on the verge of collapse! Which is why I was going to try to conserve some but like the old people in a drought who just can't let the fucking lawn go, I failed.

This issue is called "A Fellow of Infinite Jest" because The Joker is an immortal vampire and he loves to pull pranks. Also it's probably trying to sound literary by tying it to that old English Writer who was always one of the answers when I asked my Lit Profs, "If you could have dinner with anybody living or dead, who would you choose?" Last issue Larry Hama made his story more literary by tying it to that blind poet who was always one of the answers when I asked my Lit Profs, "If you could blow anybody living or dead, who would you choose?"

Idiot! You missed the obvious candy joke!

The Joker spends the next three pages not being funny at all. I guess he's making himself laugh though. And what's more important than making oneself laugh? It's all I spend time doing when I'm not eating or standing around with food in my hand or stalking publishers or talking to fish. Have you ever tried to tell a knock knock joke to a fish? They just don't get the premise at all!

Wonder Woman tells The Joker that he isn't funny and then breaks his neck. She's a harsher critic than I am. Then instead of finishing him off which would probably only take another second, she rushes off to save Steve Trevor. Ugh. He's such a princess.

Meanwhile Steve is busy shooting female vampires in the face and calling them sluts. He's such an old school romantic. His ministrations of love attract Poison Ivy and Were-Catwoman who begin trying to sell Steve on their succulent womanly treats. But this Steve Trevor is a man of the eighties! He's a one woman man who doesn't count his secretary and paid escorts as cheating. Also he's probably a bit nervous about having sex with vampires because they're constantly coming into contact with blood and Steve has been hearing an awful lot lately about this thing called AIDS.

Good thing Wonder Woman comes to the rescue!

Holy Cat Boobs, Batman!

Wonder Woman doesn't kill Poison Ivy or Catwoman immediately so they believe she's weak because she won't kill. Wonder Woman seems to confirm that she was trying not to kill them by saying, "That's it, then. No more holding back." But didn't she threaten to end The Joker the way the Batman couldn't? Was Pre-Crisis Wonder Woman also known for not killing, not even monsters like she probably encountered her whole life on Paradise Island? There were monsters there, right? If it has ties to Ancient Greece, it has monsters!

But now that the vampires have taunted her and have explained that they don't fear death, Wonder Woman decides it's okay to kill them all. I didn't realize it was okay to kill somebody who doesn't fear death! I have a new question to ask when interviewing prospective employees for my new business venture, Don't Worry This Is A Real Job And Not A Front For My Human Hunting Hobby, LLC.

You can't even not shit yourself, Steve! Stop acting so macho and ask for help!

Meanwhile The Joker and Etta have a good laugh about The Joker's broken neck. Good times.

Steve Trevor takes care of himself so well that he once again falls into the clutches of Poison Ivy and Catwoman. They bring him to The Joker who gives them permission to eat him. Wonder Woman might have a chance to save him but she's busy crying over spilt vampire everything. But she hallucinates Athena who tells her it was okay to murder these monsters in the same way I hallucinate my grandmother whenever I need to convince myself that I'm not going to hell for masturbating. That never actually helps.

Wonder Woman, having come to terms with killing, destroys Poison Ivy and Catwoman. But not soon enough. Steve Trevor has been turned and now she must destroy him as well to get to The Joker. She'll also have to kill Etta Candy but I have a feeling she'll relish that.

But first the earthquake needs to happen which opens up a chasm between Wonder Woman and her foes. The Joker commands them to jump across and kill her but Steve breaks from his thrall and tackles Etta into the pit while yelling back at Wonder Woman, "I regret nothing! Except maybe that time I told you I could fend for myself!"

Wonder Woman can't save him because she has to battle The Joker now. She knocks him in the pit but he comes back and then she stakes him and then she wins! She also has some thoughts during the battle.

No, they just forget the story because it makes no sense. What was hope doing in a box full of the world's evils? Did the person putting the package together decide that hope was no longer needed when the world had no evil to deal with? And did hope come out of the box or did Pandora shut the box with hope still left in it? And in that version of the story, is that a bad thing? Did hope not get restored to the world or did man retain hope? Why didn't somebody put a fucking lock on the box if they didn't want some curious asshole coming by and letting everything out? It's a dumb story and I'm going to go back to forgetting it right now.

To end the story, Wonder Woman quotes the Duke of Wellington for some reason. I guess Larry Hama loves to quote shit. Just look at his stupid titles for this Convergence thing!

Convergence: Wonder Woman #2 Rating: 7.5 Perky Were-Cat Boobs out of 10. If you hate when comic book companies kill characters, then you should probably subtract five points from my rating because this story is really just about killing Etta Candy and Steve Trevor. I guess Pre-Crisis Wonder Woman isn't allowed to have any friends or lovers anymore. Get with the Modern Age, Diana! You have to be lonely and unfulfilled! Every hero must now be Batman because look at how many comic books he sells. Being completely consumed by your superhero identity and crime fighting lifestyle sells books, kids! Unless it's some other reason why people like Batman. Like the cape.

Divergence: Secret Six
"Six outcasts (or seven, if you count the murderous puppet) are thrown together and forced to carry out deadly missions by an anonymous force that hates their guts. They'll have to learn how to become a team pretty quickly, as survival is not guaranteed!"

The anonymous force is Mockingbird! The murderous puppet counts! Survival is, I'm pretty sure, guaranteed for a good majority of them!

I forgot this comic book even existed! I hope this issue reminds me of the characters and what was going on so I'll be up-to-date for when Issue #3 comes out in six months!

This story is about a museum security guard who gets caught up in a heist and a mass murder and the international ethics of stolen antiquities. The Secret Six have been called in to help protect The Eternity Gem while some other group has been hired to steal it. The other group fails. The end!

The Sneak Peek showcases Catman and Big Shot and Black Alice and Strix's battle techniques. It also highlights Ferdie's power of turning everything into a euphemism for sex and his tiny wooden wiener. Porcelain just wears a pink jacket and half a mask and hits a guy in the head with a hammer in one panel. This story was mostly just a reminder to everybody that this comic book hasn't been canceled!

Convergence: The New Teen Titans #2

Yay! This is my last Tangent Universe comic book! I hate those guys!

Hate is such a strong word. Which is why I used it!

The main battle in this comic book is over Cyborg's power source. The Dumb Patrol want it so they can build a time machine and go back home. The New Teen Titans want it because Cyborg can't live without it. And he's so young with so many more boners to give to Changeling.

I hope the battle takes a seat to the real mystery here: is Jericho gay? If Kole were throwing herself at me, the insides of my jeans would be sticky! For some reason that I won't go into although if you're young and you have no idea what I'm talking about, it probably involves a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Last issue ended with Firehawk sending an chat message over her computer to Nightwing. That alone was more unbelievable than a cosmic entity stealing a bunch of cities out of space and time just to make them fight each other. This issue begins with the two of them speaking on their Bluetooth headsets which is only slightly more believable. What kind of roaming charges are they getting?!

I interrupt my commentary for this breaking news! Nightwing has a theory! Repeat! Details at ten! I mean, Nightwing has a theory! Your only news at four AM because no other local channel is fucking insane! Here's a white guy with shiny white teeth with our story!

Shiny White Teeth: "Thanks attractive woman with above average sized breasts! Earlier, Nightwing was seen swinging through Gotham speaking with Firehawk. We overheard his theory about what happened to our city!"

"Holy zip! What a revelation!"

Attractive Woman With Above Average Sized Breasts: "Can you believe that?! He thinks all the cities were transported to this world by who knows who! What a startling revelation! We'll keep you up-to-date on this breaking story! Now weather with either a wacky black male or a sexy Asian female!"

While Nightwing chats up Firehawk because she seems far more controllable than that crazed Tamarranean he's currently married to (and this version of Nightwing is all about control because he's yet to step out from the shadow of Batman's Way), the rest of the Titans are attacked by the rest of the Dumb Patrol.

"Here's the plan! I'll shoot Starfire in the tits while you over-explain your powers! Just ignore the gay guy with the sideburns and don't make eye contact with him! He's creepy!"

The New Teen Titans don't do anything to defend themselves. Kole is the most proactive trying to encase Star Sapphire in her crystal. But Starfire does nothing, probably because Nightwing shamed her so much for using her powers. And Cyborg just gets shot and lies down. Gar turns into a gorilla, runs into Jericho, and nearly kills him. And that's about the extent of the fight.

One interesting note: Kole calls Jericho "Joe." She's not even related to him and she knows his name! Slade and Rose Wilson are assholes over in Deathstroke. They can't even bother to learn a family member's name. But then Marv Wolfman is writing this issue. I'd expect him to know Jericho isn't Joseph Wilson's real name whereas I just figure Tony S. Daniel can't be bothered to learn anything about the characters he's writing. He never has before and DC Comics keeps giving him writing jobs. Somebody needs to realize he should just keep to doing art. But I guess if he's not writing, how can he be assured to have two or three double splash pages in every issue?! Those original sketches can make him beaucoup bucks on the art market!

Tangent Rampage takes off on his Tangent Space Motorcycle with Cyborg over his shoulder as Kory finally gets into a battle frenzy. As she's murdering the Dumb Patrol leader, Firehawk's mom (whatever her name is!), Kole makes a pass at Jericho.

He's signing, "No, I won't fuck you, you ignorant slut."

Tangent Star Sapphire returns and calls Firehawk's mom "Doomsday," so that mystery is solved! They fly off while Starfire kneels on the ground watching and saying, "I should have killed her! Now there is no way I can follow her with the rest of the team because fuck Vic! We're a little bit sore after that tussle!" Nightwing and Wonder Girl arrive to shake their heads at the room full of failure.

Later on the roof of STAR Labs, Kory yells at Dick for keeping her true nature stifled. She's a murderer and he just won't let her murder! What a controlling, sexist pig! How come everything has to be his way? She points out that they're no longer on Earth so maybe there are different laws. Dick doesn't point out that they're still in Gotham so they still have to follow Gotham's laws, if there are any. Although according to Preboot Swamp Thing #52 or something, Gotham has laws against humans having sex outside of their species. So Nightwing is breaking that one two or three times a month. That's a lot of sex, right?

Pretty soon Gar starts crying and everybody gets really uncomfortable and Dick doesn't have the heart to mention that Vic is probably being vivisected right about now so the Dumb Patrol can get at his power source. Instead he wastes more time thinking. Maybe he trusts Firehawk more than he should and he's hoping she solves his problem. She has his phone number! If she's as good a person as she claimed to be, she can call him with directions to Vic's body.

Meanwhile Kole keeps trying to get laid because I guess when somebody signs "no," it doesn't actually mean no!

Firehawk confronts her mother about how she attacked the Titans but Firehawk doesn't pick up a phone or send a message to Nightwing because I guess she's an asshole after all. But Gar figures out where Cyborg is through some technological mumbo jumbo that doesn't really make sense but it allows for the Teen Titans to engage in some drama as they chew the scenery trying to figure out how they'll save Cyborg. What would really make sense is that Cyborg, being over half machine, would have some kind of way to be traced by the others. I guess that's too difficult. But email between different networks from alternate universes is easy.

There's your answer, Kory! Just ditch this prick until he becomes likeable in about ten or twenty years.

The Teen Titans track down Cyborg where Kory gets a rematch against Doomsday where she doesn't kill her again. But this time she gets to act self-righteous and be all, "'m not going to kill you because Dick told me not to kill! I mean, for my own reasons like that one cliche one...what was it again? Oh yeah! I don't want to become you! Burnzinga!"

If you couldn't tell, I sprained my eyes rolling them during that scene.

Starfire turns her back on Doomsday so she can go make out with Dick who can finally love her now that she's declared she won't kill for him. Aww! Young love with conditions! It's so romantic!

Doomsday's heart grows three sizes and she agrees to work with the Titans to save every single life in every single time across all dimensions forever. I don't know how she's going to manage it but I'm sure it will all come together in the end. Nobody any where in any time should ever die. And by working together, we can put an end to the evil of death!

But guys. Let's really get moving on that because I'm forty-three!

The earthquake hits, the Doom Patrol disappears, and a single star lights up the sky. I bet it's Oracle!

Convergence: The New Teen Titans #2 Rating: 7 Kids Signing Cookie out of Ten. This issue was probably enjoyable for uncritical Teen Titans fans. I mean, Starfire and Nightwing kissed! And Kole and Jericho kissed! And Changeling and Cyborg probably kissed when they disappeared in the last act for a few pages. It was full of romance! And ultimatums!

Divergence: Robin: Son of Batman
"Follow the adventures of the most deadly Robin of them all, Damian Wayne, as he travels the world with his pet were-bat!"

This Sneak Peek introduces us to Damian Wayne's friend, Goliath. He's a huge were-bat from who knows where. Bat. Ahem. Pardon.

I guess Damain is traveling the world on the back of a bat? Okay. I hope I still like Damian when he's not written by Peter Tomasi and when he isn't trying to get his father's love and approval. This might just be a rich, dick, snobby asshole traveling the world just like every other twenty-something American that believes they're experiencing life and finding themselves and living life way better than all those other people who aren't doing exactly what they're doing. Obviously if you make a choice to live a certain way, that's the best way possible and anybody not doing the same thing is a stupid moron who is wasting their life away.

Damian probably won't be like that. He'll probably just kill people and find more pets for the Batcave. I guess this is what Damian needs to do while Bruce is on vacation with the Joker?

Finally some guy in a mask with lots of eyes spies on Damian while talking to himself about Years of Blood and Atonement and Heroics and Batmans. It might be Nobody but damned if I can remember what the guy actually looked like. He's supposed to be dead but this is Comic Books! So, you know. Death has no place here! I wish I lived in a comic book.

Convergence: Swamp Thing #2

Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Last issue I began my commentary pointing out how people often lose interest in comic book characters without a sense of continuity in an established universe. This time I want to begin by saying who the fuck cares? Isn't the continuity of a character derived from the stories you've read across the years? Isn't that what binds a reader to the character? Why let a comic book company dictate to you which Batman stories are "true"? Batman is a shared fictional character that will never have a final act. His entire story is the middle act and it's all based on a mostly unchanging first act. As story arcs go, that's a pretty crappy model if you want a character to evolve. But the character has to change for the new audience that continually churns at the shores of fandom. All of those changes from decade to decade form what we think of Batman. The movies and the television shows and the cartoons and the books and the comics...they're all there to be incorporated into this character that people have enjoyed for years. Why let a corporation tell you that any part of the Batman mythos is less important than any other part? The important bits of Batman are the ones that made you love the character. The stories you remember aren't (most likely) the ones by his original creators. They're by a host of writers getting the chance to direct Batman in whatever way they (and the editors and the studios and the networks) see fit. Batman is not who DC Comics tells us he is. Batman is who you've determined Batman is, continuity be damned.

Besides, if you're fans of a comic book character long enough, you'll inevitably do your own editing of their continuity. Who would leave in Ann Nocenti's run of Catwoman in their envisioned history of the character? Fucking nobody! We learn soon enough that some writers will hand us gold and others should never been let near the vault. We learn that if the name of a certain writer (or artist) appears on the cover, we don't need to read that story. It never has to taint our vision of the character. As fans, we've seen dozens and dozens of reboots of our favorite characters over the years. They're called "a change in the writer." Sometimes you get spoiled and a writer remains on a book for so long that you can't help but accept every story as continuity, no matter how bad. And sometimes you get extremely lucky and a writer puts out something like Sandman or Cerebus where the tale is told exactly how one person wants to tell the tale and then the character is put away for good. Well, mostly. But even if you were able to read every copy of Detective Comics, you'd find that the changes in Batman are more drastic across the years in that single run then the changes made to Batman in Detective Comics #1 of The New 52. Although that was written by David Finch and was crap. But that wasn't the fault of The New 52 continuity! It was a crappy writer!

None of this has anything to do with Swamp Thing except that it kind of has everything to do with Swamp Thing, doesn't it? I can't think of any greater reboot in the history of DC Comics than when Alan Moore took over scripting on Swamp Thing #21 back in February of 1984. In a way, it began a Reboot of DC Comics that happened parallel to Crisis on Infinite Earths. It was the British Reboot and what would eventually become Vertigo. Those of you who weren't born yet have no idea how much mainstream comic books changed with the British Invasion and Vertigo. Think of what Image Comics is currently doing but realize that nothing like it had ever been seen before. It was revelation. And I kind of wish that DC's New 52 had merged all of their titles into the Vertigo line! Batman needs to cuss more.

I wonder if, as I peter out and slip into my usual voice, I should go back and pepper the previous three paragraphs with dick jokes? I wonder if "peter out and slip into" qualifies?

At the end of last issue, Swamp Thing was beset by vampires. Vegan vampires? No! Just normal vampires. This issue begins with Swamp Thing pointing out how stupid the are.

Swamp Thing is a tactical genius! Plus he knows a lot about vampires for 1984. He must have been a Dungeons & Dragons player. Or a fan of Salems Lot. Fright Night wouldn't come out for another year and that one taught people all the most important rules about fighting vampires! Like not inviting them into your house!

Vampire Batman appears and introduces himself to Swamp Thing. He points out that he's Swamp Thing's real opponent. But first he kills all the nagging vampires so he and Swamp Thing can figure out what to do next. I'm guessing Red Rain Batman is still a good guy? Even if he's a monster? Just like Swamp Thing! I think I discovered the theme! Don't judge a monster by the way it looks because that makes you the real monster!

Most people don't say "To be brutally honest" and then go on to say something that's hard for themselves to hear. But then most people aren't vampire Batman.

To be brutally honest, I'm a horrible writer. I'm just too lazy and unambitious to write any of the things I truly desire to write. So instead, I comment on comic books. I wonder how many great writers history has lost to frivolous pursuits?! I'm not claiming to be a great writer! If you thought I was then you're a lousy reader because I began this paragraph saying I was a horrible writer! The real problem with writing is that it takes more hard work than talent. You can be a hack but if you put your shoulder to the grindstone and just keep working at it, you can be successful. But if you have scads of talent but just can't be bothered with how toilsome writing can actually be? Forget it. You don't deserve to be remembered.

Batman agrees to let Swamp Thing win the battle but first he'd like Swamp Thing's help killing as many vampires as possible. It's basically beating a dead horse but then Batman is a vampire and who can really know what those things are into? Besides drinking blood and seducing stuff. I'd probably be really into video games and not writing.

Batman is searching for the Queen Vampire. I wonder if she'll be somebody important to Batman? Are there any females important to Batman? Oh! That one that he lectures and fucks! What's her name? Feline Lady?

Well. A redhead. Kate or Barbara? Judging by all the women in the room? Kate.

Swamp Thing kills all of the Vampire Queen's attendants with Garlic Gas while Batman goes after the queen. He decapitates her after a short battle in which she claims to have learned a lot of tricks over the centuries but she demonstrates none of them. After she's killed, the vampires that are left revert back into humans. Swamp Thing is all, "What the fuck?" And Batman is all, "Oh yeah. Didn't I mention? When the Queen dies, all of her victims turn back into humans!" And Swamp Thing is all, "So I...I...I just murdered dozens of people?!" Batman is all, "To be brutally honest? Yeah." Then Batman, who was turned by Dracula so he's still a vampire, heads out to watch the sunrise.

Swamp Thing and Abby win the competition and are transported back to Gotham where Len Wein ends his Convergence tale perfectly.

Got the earthquake in, made sure it didn't matter one fuck, and ended with the whole "The End?" thing which I think he absolutely meant. "Really, DC Editors? That's all I get to say about it? The reader doesn't get anything more than a stupid earthquake? Nice resolution, guys."

Convergence: Swamp Thing #2 Rating: 8.5 Hallucinogenic Tubers out of Ten. I think Len Wein did a smart thing with this story. He tried his best to write two stories that just happened to take place in this Convergence framework and I think he pulls it off nicely. The first story is merely a look at the burgeoning love between Swamp Thing and Abby as she takes care of him for a year in Gotham. There is still no romance between them but we see how much they mean to each other. In the second story, we get a heartbreaking tale of a man trying to protect his city not only from others but from himself as well. Swamp Thing is just a bit player in this Batman tale. And then on the final page (in each book, if I'm not mistaken?), Len throws in the editorially mandated things, washes the blood off of his hands, and removes himself from the proceedings.

Divergence: Catwoman
"She's still Gotham's queen of crime -- but now, in order to work all the angles, Selina Kyle is back as Catwoman!"

Well it's about time! I hope she teams up with Other Catwoman! You know, the one whose name I can't remember in that way that I can never remember names? I think it began with an "E"? Two Catwomen running around Gotham together would make Batman's head explode. Eiko! Was it Eiko?!

The preceding paragraph is why I'd suck on Jeopardy. My brain needs more time to process than contestants are allowed!

The most important bit of the Catwoman Sneak Peek that isn't mentioned in the "How Did We Completely Fuck This Title Up" blurb is the bit about how the art looks fantastic now! Did anybody see Catwoman's ass in that dress?! I mean, I can tell people apart! It's some good looking stuff.

Catwoman is still framing her stories around historic epistles. This sneak peek's is from Elizabeth I to her Council in 1585: "From mine enemy let me defend myself...from a pretensed friend, good Lord deliver me." It's fitting because this short story is mostly to get new readers caught up with Selina's position in the crime families of Gotham. Her friends and enemies are introduced and there's a bit of overlap in the categories, of course. Oh, and I said to help "new readers" get caught up but I think some old readers are glad for this summation of the groove in which events have settled. I know I was!

Convergence: Justice League of America #2

The Chip Kidd variant really should have been Martian Manhunter and not secretly a dangerous manhunter Steel.

Last issue, the Tangent Universe Secret Six attacked the Pre-Crisis era Justice League of America. You might not remember that group because you were probably born over ten years after they were destroyed by Despero. You can blame Millennium a little bit too, I think. Also the popularity of Vibe, Steel, and Gypsy which was nearly non-existent. It wasn't the most enthralling group of super heroes to put on the cover of your comic book. When Zatanna, Aquaman, and Martian Manhunter are your most recognizable team members, you've already counted out potential customers that don't have any knowledge of the DC Universe. They might glance at the book and think, "Where's Batman? Or Superman? And why is Wonder Woman talking backwards with a lobster on her head?" The only team member a casual reader of comic books might recognize is Aquaman which would have kept most people from buying the book.

Y'all may think I have an irrational hater's hatred for Aquaman but I don't. I merely live in reality. This era of the Justice League of America took place just a few years before DC Comics sat down to retool Aquaman. And the reason they decided he was unpopular? The outfit. When that didn't work (partly because the mini-series which introduced it was an awful story about how Aquaman needed intense psychotherapy to deal with his unrepentant mother boners (I don't know what that means but I'm sure it's a legitimate psychology term)), Peter David walked into DC's offices and said, "I know why people aren't buying Aquaman! His right hand! Lose it and we're golden!" And just like every other time Peter David had something to say about a comic book character, he was right. For some reason. People loved the new hairy, one-handed Aquaman! At least until people began to turn on the whole "gritty superhero" movement while they also decided that horrible art was the new hip thing!

Imagine how much less respect the team would get if Aquaman were free!

Vicki Vale is standing on the edge of the battle doing play-by-play in a smooth, coherent manner the way no on-site local news reporter has ever done in the history of ever. It should actually be more of the camera man filming the battle in a wide angle to get as much as he can cover as Vicki Vale says things like, "Did you see that?!" and "Police are, um, standing behind...err, back, as the combatants engage in, um, combat."

Sue Dibny handles the Narration Boxing because she gets to say things that would seem ridiculous to have Vicki Vale saying. Things like noticing Gypsy even though Gypsy's super power is to not be noticed. But then Sue probably knows what to look for! Or maybe she can smell her patchouli oil.

The Justice League is getting handily beat by Tangent Secret Six when Gypsy throws a belt full of grenades to cover the JLA's retreat. Part of me wishes that she wouldn't have interfered and this comic book could have ended early. I still have a week and a half of Convergence books to get through and they're really beginning to wear me down since they're essentially the same story over and over again. And the worst part is that most of the stories don't have any kind of satisfying conclusion. The battles tend to end, the combatants shrug their shoulders and go back to their lives waiting for the world to end.

Convergence has also made it convenient for me to procrastinate. I'd love to finish these comics up in a long Saturday marathon session but I have so many other more interesting things to do with my time! Especially now that I've invested in such a beautiful, powerful, game-playing laptop! I wish Torment 2 were available already!

Go ahead, believe it. Stop living with lies!

The Secret Six crash through the wall of the storage locker the Justice League of America are cowering in. Since the team didn't have time to come up with a plan, I think this scene was meant to show that they're all self-hating losers with no gumption or tenacity. Those are just two words I picked at random that seemed like traits that a team of winners would possess.

While the Justice League of America gets their asses handed to them a second time, Sue Dibny tries to figure out how to free Zatanna and Martian Manhunter so the team actually stands a chance against Tangent Secret Six.

And Aquaman! I forgot about Aquaman! He'll help by...um...well, by being Aquaman!

Vibe murders Tangent Plastic Man by shaking him into a bunch of plastic gaming pieces. While The Atom is distracted because "Gunther" was apparently his lover, Steel punches him in the face with his super Steely Steel Punch of Steeliness.

Can you get any more cliche, Atom? Can I?!

It's so cliche to point out somebody else's cliches! Especially in that sarcastic Chandler Bing voice. I think "Can you be any more [whatever]" was the biggest joke on Friends for ten years.

Sue Dibny digs up a Mr. Freeze gun to freeze Aquaman, Martian Manhunter, and Zatanna. Since they're currently in stasis which is kind of like being frozen in time, this makes sense somehow. It makes more sense if you pay attention to the comic book explanation instead of ignoring it completely like I'm doing. It works and the Big Two Plus Aquaman are free! Zatanna casts a spell that sends the Tangent Secret Six back home and the fight is over. Presumably she just did them a huge favor and they're now free of Planet Brainiac and back home in the real Tangent Universe*.

*Tangent Universe not really real.

When it's all over, Vicki Vale goes in for an interview and completely ignores Aquaman. That's understandable. Ralph gives some speech about how he's proud to fight alongside this group of barely lovable losers. He probably likes it because he's actually respected by them as opposed to being seen as a joke by Batman and Wonder Woman.

Convergence: Justice League of America #2 Rating: I guess the point of this series was to give the Detroit Justice League a modicum of respect that they really never fucking deserved. Couldn't we have just left this team buried and forgotten about them? Although they may have been an interesting and fun team at the time! But who would know?! We were all looking at the covers going, "Why would I buy this comic book?!" I know, I know. All the weird little Martian Manhunter fans are desperately composing harshly worded emails in their minds right now. Well, I don't need to hear from y'all, okay?! You can keep your arguments to yourself. I already know what lateral lisps sound like!

Divergence: Batman Loves Superman
"The epic new storyline 'TRUTH' continues. In this chapter, what are the consequences of a bond broken?"

Should I remember what this "TRUTH" storyline should be about? Is this the same story that was featured in the Action Comics Sneak Peak?

This story begins with a bunch of gangsters smashing up Wayne Enterprises in Gotham. Superman arrives via motorcycle since he can't fly anymore. He beats them up because he has no powers anymore but he can write articles and bale hay. That's almost like being trained in hand-to-hand combat, right? After he defeats the bad guys because he's Superman even if he has no powers, Commissioner Batman crashes through the wall, sees a guy in a Superman shirt who looks like Superman and says, "Who the hell are you?" It's not like he's wearing glasses, Jim! And he's wearing a Superman shirt! It's not like he's changed it up with one of those Superjew shirts.

Commissioner Batman decides the best course of action is to punch Superman in the face and arrest him. Commissioner Batman obviously doesn't care about killing perps since he punches the guy he apparently doesn't know is Superman full in the face with his power armored fist. Then he tazes him because it's just another average day in the life of a cop. Superman somehow manages to not die after all of this and still get on his motorcycle to drive away. He's chased by Commissioner Batman so he grabs a pole as he speeds past which spins his motorcycle around. He rides toward Commissioner Gordon who then shoots a rocket at him, blows up the motorcycle, and somehow doesn't turn Superman into a stain on the sidewalk.

That's when Lex Luthor arrives on his Tenser's Floating Disc to ask Superman for his hand in hetero-marriage.

The only fucking law Superman broke is resisting arrest. And that's a bullshit, catch-all law to just haul in anybody the cops want to haul in anyway. So fuck you, Lex. Superman hasn't done anything fucking wrong.

Oh wait! I just thought of another law Superman broke: not dying at the hands of a cop that abused every single ounce of his power. The police are going to be pretty pissed about this! Especially if it was caught on camera!

Convergence: Superboy and the Legion of Super-Heroes #2

Chip Kidd needs to work on measuring out half of each cover. It's his fault my lines don't meet up!

Here we go again! I'm about to shit all over Superboy and the Legion of Super-heroes even though I really enjoyed the last issue! I'll never admit to it! Except in that last sentence. So don't read that sentence again! And it would be best for all involved if you forgot all about it.

Last issue ended with 30th Century Metropolis being invaded by Atomic Knights and huge Dalmatians. This issue will probably be 24 pages of Superboy crying about Krypto. I hope it isn't that many. I hope at least a few pages are spent on Superboy and Ayla fucking.

This issue begins quite seriously with the Atomic Knight Gardner reminding his Atomic Wench how the super-heroes failed to save the world from nuclear annihilation and how he huddled in a bunker for 18 whole days waiting for the bombardment to end. Eighteen days?! What a nightmare! I'm not being sarcastic! How did he not go insane? I flip the fuck out when a web page takes a few seconds too long to load! The mood is somber and dark and Gardner accepts that he must go murder these super-heroes to save his world. And the heroes deserve it for failing the world so many years ago. So he dons his armor, marches outside, and climbs onto a gigantic dog.

Why does Stuart Moore hate people who aren't crying?!

This memory of Superboy's will probably tie into the theme later. Or else Stuart Moore is just a jerk and he likes to make readers feel bad. Maybe Ayla's neck will be broken in the upcoming fight and Superman will grab an axe and be all, "We'll, we don't want her to suffer!" WHACK! Then Brainiac 5 will be all, "NO! It's the 30th century, you 4th Level Intellect! Remember what I just told you earlier in the story?! She just needed a Broken Neck Patch!"

Superboy returns from his memory as Gardner the Atomic Knight is all, "Surrender or we release the plague!" And Superboy is all, "We surrender!" But Brainiac 5 is all, "Don't you know anything, you 5th Level Intellect?! They can't kill us with a plague! We've cured everything in the 30th Century!" And Superboy is all, "Those horses remind me of Krypto! Waaaaaah!"

Sunboy or Orange Shirt Lad or Inappropriate Time For Jokes Kid makes a Monty Python crack about the Atomic Knights. That warrants a laser blast to the face and the fight is on!

While the lower level intellects brawl, Brainiac 5 and an Atomic Knight named Sir Smartnerd work together to try to interpret the strange message they both received from Planet Brainiac.

Penetra-vision makes my butt hurt!

The Legion can't figure out how to combine their powers to defeat knights in armor with lasers so they just get their asses handed to them. Gardner threatens to shoot Invisible Kid in the head if Superboy doesn't surrender but Superboy is all, "I don't see any Invisible Kid! Go ahead and pull the trigger! *snicker*" And Invisible Kid is too unconscious to say, "Mon dieu!"

Wildfire shows up to save the day because he's not dead anymore. Once the dome disappeared he was finally able to put his clothes back on so that he can have a human form.

Losing his hostage, Atomic Knight Gardner resorts to a different threat. He's got a jar of Morticoccus! That sounds like a terrible Off-Broadway musical that I really want to go see now.

I make that tough not-killing decision every hour I'm out in the public! I'm a hero!

The Atomic Knights make peace with the Legion of Super-heroes because they're brave or something. Brainiac and Sir Smartnerd arrive to tell everybody that they discovered Planet Brainiac is transitioning from one reality to another. That's when the earthquake hits, signaling the nearing end of this story. And Superboy and Ayla haven't even copulated yet.

Close enough. I guess. I'm so unsatisfied!

Convergence: Superboy and the Legion of Super-heroes #2 Rating: This story was more like the Superboy and Legion of Super-heroes that I'm used to: bland! Even the kiss between Superboy and Ayla was disappointing. They're young! They should be grinding their crotches together as they smooch! I wonder if the Legion Flight Rings come with Chastity Fields? This issue scored Five Horse Dogs out of Ten.

Divergence: Teen Titans
"The Titans must uncover the truth behind Superboy's crimes -- or they all might end up serving time with their former teammate."

This issue begins with the Teen Titans sparring with the STAR Labs All-Star Squadron. Kid Flash is back from the future prison planet he and Solstice had been imprisoned on because that plot was dumb and Scott Lobdell fucked everything up. So now Bart is back and we're all just going to forget about what an awful Marvel character Scott Lobdell turned him into in the last Teen Titans run, aren't we? Just like we're going to try to forget the horror of Ann Nocenti's Klarion since he's joined this comic book. I guess Solstice doesn't get a second chance though? Why would Bart leave her in the future?! Weren't they in love?

Oh wait! I'm probably supposed to think that never happened. I'm probably supposed to be super excited about all the new young characters joining this book and ignore all of the past problems Scott Lobdell created by sodomizing the Teen Titans against their will for three long years. Is this New DC Comics spectacular supposed to freshen up the Titans? Are we pretending Scott Lobdell's run never happened? It'll be hard for me to let it all go because it left scars but I can try!

This short story finally has Red Robin realizing that he made a mistake jumping immediately into bed with Manchester Black. Tim wants nothing to do with STAR Labs now because they want to hunt down Superboy and lock him up. Tim and the other Titans want to help Superboy and figure out what happened with all the murders he's being blamed for. Wonder Girl and Power Girl are siding with Black so they've joined the STAR Labs All-Star Squadron with Kid Flash and Klarion and The Guardian and probably the Legion of Newsboys.

So that's the setup for the Titans near future. Two sets of Titans at odds with each other. Genius Manchester Black facing off against Genius Harvest Red Robin. Kid Flash back from the prison planet of Takron-Galtos without Solstice. Skitters still missing in action because her character was an awful idea. And a whole bunch of crap I'll probably lose interest in rather quickly. Teen Titans, you are on notice! Will you be the first DC Comics book I drop when the universe soft reboots? I hope so!