Convergence: Aquaman #2

I'm pretty good at the draw half of a face game!

Last issue, Deathblow arrived to blow death all over Aquaman's face. You have to admit that Deathblow is a creative name. Then you'd have to admit that you're an ignorant moron for believing that. Then you'd have to admit that Image nearly ruined comic books on every conceivable level. Then you'd have to admit that you're so young, you think I'm an asshole for saying how Image comics ruined the comic book market because you're judging Image based on the terrific shit they're currently publishing as opposed to the horrible offal they published in the nineties because 95% of comic book readers were fucking idiots who bought into the Wizard propaganda that the Image style was the greatest art to grace a comic book page in fifty years. Then I'd have to admit that while it was, in general, awful art (I don't have a problem admitting that part! It's the next part that I have to cop to), the old art standard deserved to be shit upon in many different ways.

While I can definitely see why fans of the Image style (which, of course, was developed at Marvel for a few years before becoming the basis for most of the lines at Image) continue to defend it as dynamic (especially compared to what "proper" artists were putting out on a regular basis), I don't know how that's the standard defense for somebody like Liefeld whose art hasn't improved in twenty years (if it has, it's barely perceptible). Pick up Rob's New 52 run on Deathstroke. Most of it looks like half-melted action figures standing in poses which he copied onto the page. Dynamic isn't within miles of that comic book. But then check out Jim Lee's stuff twenty years later. Even though I still don't care for all the lines he scribbles on every face and arm and chest and wall and dog and whatever, I can see twenty years of improvement in his work. I might not be a fan of his art but I'd also never say his art is bad.

I was always a proponent of independent comic books and creator owned titles without really being conscious of it for many years. Along with the DC books I read, I enjoyed Cerebus and Elfquest and Strangers in Paradise. So I was pro-Image in theory. But I never bought a single one of their comics because the art just didn't interest me. I suppose I could have given Spawn a chance back then but I didn't. Whatever they did wrong or right, they helped change the landscape in necessary ways. Of course they (with Wizard's help) created that whole bubble that almost destroyed the business. But it recovered and has limped along ever since. And Image? They currently publish the best titles on a monthly basis. If the big two really want to see money pour in, they need to figure out a way to make creator owned heroes as lucrative for artists as they can be for the company. Writers and artists for the Big Two are always going to keep their best ideas off the company table until they get a healthy piece of the pie. Who's going to give DC and Marvel rights to their favorite ideas when Image is just a phone call and no editorial interference away?!

Anyway, currently STAR Labs is trying to defend against Deathblow! They don't know it's Deathblow coming for them yet or else they'd all be snickering at his name.

Atlantis has a sewage system?! I thought Atlanteans just wandered around trailing big long stringy poops behind them.

I really wish I owned most of those comics from Image's early days now. Mostly so I could do commentaries on them. I'm certain they're all horrible. Doom Bunny has read parts of WildCATS #1 to me! So bad! Also, Doom Bunny owns WildCATS #1! Ha ha! He fell for the hype!

Aquaman leads the STAR Labs technicians and scientists into battle against Deathblow because Aquaman doesn't care about saving people. He could have told them all to hide under their desks but instead he gave them guns and told them to follow him into battle. To be fair, Aquaman didn't know the guy they were facing was a 90s Image character named Deathblow. He couldn't know he'd just crossed the boundary between DC Comics and Wildstorm where the death toll increases exponentially.

Deathblow can't stop with the fish jokes and the shooting bullets. He's annoying! I mean, if his fish jokes were decent, I would probably root for him. But he just says things like "fish sticks!" and "chum!" and "big fish!" and "small fry!" And he does most of it in his Narration Boxes which is a complete waste. Is he just entertaining himself? Hmm, you know what? I can respect that. That's pretty much all I'm doing here on this blog.

Finally Aquaman faces an opponent with a less creative super power than his own!

I bet Aquaman feeds him to piranhas! Would Jim Lee give the go ahead to kill Deathblow forever? I mean, he won't be forever dead, right? He'll reform after the piranha swim around for awhile trailing big long stringy Deathblow poops!

Aquaman seals himself in the lower level with Deathblow. I bet it's a big fish tank and Dane the Sea Devil will know exactly what to do! Flood it with piranha!

Aquaman does that thing where the hero fires a weapon at the bad guy (in this case, his hook) which misses the bad guy and the bad guy is all, "You suck!" But then the hero is all, "I hit exactly what I was aiming at!" And the bad guy is all, "I've never seen that move before ever!"

Aquaman punctures a coolant pipe and rolls around in the leaking water to get extra strong. Deathblow decides he should probably run away to find a secret weapon he secretly knows about.

Why would the DEO have a file on a Sea Devil?! Did the file simply read, "You can only tell them apart by their hair color. And sometimes the color goes wonky in the book and then you can't tell any of them apart at all."

Deathblow breaks into the computer system and activates an Aquaman Failsafe called Drydock. It shuts down all water systems and cranks up the heat. Aquaman is all, "Fuck you, Sea Devil!" And Sea Devil is all, "No! You!" And Deathblow is all, "Let's blow some death in here!"

I don't know. I've kind of lost interest in this comic book.

Deathblow begins counting his chickens because the eggs are everywhere. But Sea Devil is all, "Arthur! Deathblow is full of blood and blood is practically water!" And Deathblow is all, "What is he blabbing about?" And Arthur is all, "I'm going to die!" And Sea Devil is all, "Stab him in the throat and drench yourself in his blood! It'll be a crimson shower!" And Deathblow is all, "Why is he talking nonsense?" And Arthur is all, "I think I might know what he's getting at if only he'd say it more clearly!" And Sea Devil is all, "I can't say it any more clearly!" And Deathblow is all, "Gibberish? Is he speaking gibberish?" But then Aquaman flails around in frustration and accidentally stabs Deathblow in the throat and life-giving blood sprays out all across Aquaman's face! He could have also been rejuvenated by piss or semen.

Apparently the STAR Labs employees are dumber than everybody else. Twenty-one minutes later and he's still trying to piece together what happened.

Even if blood wasn't the "chemical equivalent of seawater," covering himself in blood should still have worked, right? Coolant worked and that isn't the chemical equivalent of seawater. Aquaman was going to turn on the fire sprinkler and that's not the chemical equivalent of seawater. Really, all Aquaman needs is to be shot in the face by anything! I suppose if it's wet and salty, that just makes it all the better.

Aquaman isn't sure how to kill a guy who can't be killed but in the end it doesn't matter. Telos deems Aquaman the winner and San Diego, along with the old Wildstorm Universe, becomes non-existent. Deathblow slowly fades away and is gone. I guess Gen 13 is doomed whether they beat Steel or not then?!

The earthquake hits and Aquaman marches out of STAR Labs and into Convergence #7. I guess I'll be reading that in a couple of days.

Convergence: Aquaman #2 Rating: This issue scores 4 Starfish out of 10 Octopi. The art was not my cup of tea and the characters weren't a cup or a tea or even a place mat. I think Tony Bedard was phoning in his Convergence scripts because he's usually more entertaining in the dialogue department. I am glad that Deathblow still exists in The New 52 though! And that he's black. I think. Sometimes he's black, anyway!

Divergence: Doctor Fate
"Medical student Khalid 'Kent' Nassour awakens the ancient power of Nabu, transforming him into this generation's Doctor Fate!"

Does this mean I'm going to read my first Earth-2 story on whatever Earth the Twofers eventually wind up?

The comic looks like it was drawn by a comic strip artist. And the lettering is a strange, skinny font that's completely different than I'm used to! I can't believe how the comics I grew up with are being ruined by these fontists! Nobody wanted DC to change fonts! I mean, unless they began using upper and lower case letters. That would, at the very least, help me determine if Batman is calling Dick by name or calling Dick a name.

The issue begins with a scene that feels like they're trying to emulate some of that Ms. Marvel magic! And not simply because they're Muslim! Although part of it is because they're Muslim. Although they're Egyptian, so I really didn't know when I read this scene if they were Muslim or not. They could just as easily have been Christian. Later though, Pops says, "Allah be praised." That kind of gave it away.

Their cat is named Puck! Get it?! They must like hockey!

Apparently this Khalid has nothing to do with Earth-2 Khalid. I guess it's part of DC loosening the continuity belt buckle. This one is kind of dating a woman named Shaya which sounds a lot like Shayera, right? Plus Khalid is kind of a dick even though I don't think he's supposed to be portrayed as a dick. But he runs into his cat in the rain soaked streets and tells it to find its own way home because he has to go accidentally find the Doctor Fate helmet. Lucky for him, the cat can talk and is Bast and can take care of herself. Unlucky for him, the cat is a god and he just ditched it in the rain. I hope it tortures him! I guess giving him the Doctor Fate helmet constitutes torture.

I don't know about this comic. It's going to be a bit hard to read each month when it looks like I'm reading some Comic Strip Treasury.

Convergence: Supergirl Matrix #2

Best cover since The New 52 began!

My elementary school friend Philip Newby introduced me to Ambush Bug. He also introduced me to Monty Python, Bloom County, and The Young Ones. He was the first person, in fifth or sixth grade, who I ever sincerely apologized to of my own volition. He went on to be an actor in Los Angeles. I'm not sure he was ever in anything that anybody reading my blog would have seen except for one episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Way back when I was still getting the DVDs by mail through Netflix, I watched the first few seasons of the show. My jaw hit the floor when I saw him in the show. It was the one where they go to some football game and spend the entire time in the parking lot. He's credited as Nebbish Guy.

Phil was the first guy I ever knew who always seemed to know exactly what he wanted. He had no fear. He's gone now. Killed himself some years back. I mention him because some things will forever remind me of Phil and Ambush Bug is one of them.

This comic book is probably about to get pretty silly so I needed to weight it heavily on the front end.

This issue begins with a date: circa 1994! Gods and Demonic Hellfire bless Keith Giffen! I suppose I could have just looked up Zero Hour on Wikipedia to figure out the date myself. But I like when comic book writers fearlessly flaunt possibly continuity flaws in the face by planting flags in the...sorry. I lost the train of that metaphor. Anyway, Keith did say "circa" so his ass is covered if any Continuity Nerds want to bust his chops.

Green and Silver are killing this shit. Hi-Fi too although I suspect Hi-Fi is a robot and I probably shouldn't be complimenting robots. They'll get all uppity and then WHAMMO! Skynet!

Judging by Ambush Bug's suitcase at the end of last issue, he and Cheeks have been traveling among the domes for the last year. Supergirl's trying to get the lowdown on the layout of the lowlands from this layabout.

I'm glad I'm not playing the Keith Giffen Drinking and Eating Cookies Game this issue because I've laughed out loud more times than the pages I've read. I've read two so far! I might be drunk by now! And my teeth would be caked with Oreos!

Now I have to go hunt down the other 122 issues of Humiliating Romance!

Because Supergirl smells like spackle and she seemingly wants Ambush Bug's teeth, Ambush Bug buggers out of there. Now I guess I have to read through a number of pages not starring Ambush Bug! What a rip off.

Okay, maybe she doesn't smell like spackle. But I'm positive she wanted Ambush Bug's teeth.

Ambush Bug winds up in a bar in Kamandi's New York telling an anthropomorphic mouse that he banged Supergirl. I think it's okay to lie about your sexual conquests if you're talking about people from another dimension. I mean, I absolutely had sex with Heathers era Winona Ryder three universes and two timelines over. It ruined her career because I was so good at the doing it. And by "so good," I mean I was super quick. It takes a real pro to sex it up lightning fast! Those guys who do it for hours obviously don't know what they're doing. They don't even know whose thingy you're supposed to stick wherever. But I totally know. Alternate Dimension Winona Ryder showed me! And I'm pretty sure sex is the same in this dimension as in that dimension. She was all, "Oh! Oh! Let me stick my girl doo-dad in your guy pee pot!" And she totally did. Lots of times. It felt the way really awesome doing it feels. You know that feeling! So good!

I should probably stop describing my doing it exploits before you think I'm trying too hard and begin doubting that I've ever done it. You shouldn't doubt it at all because I've done it up lots of times. All the way up and all the way down and all over town and under the table in my living room too! That's where people sometimes do it when they claim they're not virgins anymore. Also all over town. And outside under the full, full moon. I'm so unvirginized, you wouldn't believe.

Supergirl hunts down Ambush Bug to drag back to Lex so he'll stop treating her like garbage. But seeing that he's Lex Luthor, that's probably a pipe dream.

Lady Quark hunts down Supergirl because she still thinks she can save her city. Spoiler: it's already been destroyed by Parallax! Ha ha!

Ambush Bug is scared off by Lady Quark but not before he helps calm her down by confusing her. Supergirl explains to Lady Quark that Ambush Bug's teleportation technology is needed to return the cities to their original universes. And since Lady Quark doesn't yet know that her city is already doomed, she teams up with Supergirl in an attempt to save everybody. I hope it's Ambush Bug's technology that allows the planet to enter The New 52! He needs to be the hero of Convergence!

Ambush Bug heads to thirtieth century Metropolis to try out for the Legion of Super-heroes. Hell, if he doesn't mind changing his name to Ambush Lass, he's a lock for the team! His teleportation power is better than half of the Legion's powers. And that makes him better than like 50,000 Legionnaires!

I wonder if Matter Eater Lad ever worked in gay porn.

Ambush Bug and Supergirl wind up in Futures End New York where Ambush Bug isn't even wanted for conversion. That's probably because Brother Eye doesn't understand whimsy. He knows Ambush Bug would defeat him with pure, unadulterated silliness. I know a lot of people (many of them comic book readers!) who would agree with Brother Eye. Some people would read the list of things Philip Newby introduced me to and believe I'd have been better off not knowing him. To those people, I say, "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!"

Eventually, they all return to Supergirl's Metropolis where it looks like the battle might pick up where it left off before Ambush Bug arrived.

If we'd been playing the Keith Giffen Drinking Game, we'd be drunk on just the repeated spackle joke alone.

Before Lady Quark and Supergirl can finish their fight, Lex Luthor arrives to belittle Supergirl for the final time. Final because she kills him before getting back to her battle against Lady Quark. And Ambush Bug picks up his suitcases and walks off into the sunset. Probably because he's not going to be allowed back in The New 52.

Convergence: Supergirl Matrix #2 Rating: Even though Cheeks the Toy Wonder didn't make an appearance in this issue, it rates 9 Cheeks out of Ten. That's because it was actually entertaining as opposed to so many of these other Convergence comic books that have barely been worth my time.

Divergence: Bat-Mite
"Convinced that he's the imp that put Batman on the map, Bat-Mite is eager to boost the careers of heroes he thinks need his 'help'!"

I'm a little disappointed that Bat-Mite is being written by Dan Jurgens because he'll probably just repeat a bunch of jokes from the eighties like "Television watches you" and "something about a weasal buuuuuuuud-dee! *weasal noises*" Or whatever.

In the Sneak Peek, Batman meets Bat-Mite for the first time. And he doesn't like him. I'm not sure I like him either. I don't think Dan Jurgens has the comedy chops to pull this off. I could see this working if Dan turns Bat-Mite into the Don Rickles of the DC Universe (you kids can look him up on Wikilearnstuff). Bat-Mite is off to bug other heroes besides Batman and it seems like, with his "meta-analysis of Batman, he'll have the ability to comment on the fandom's issues with each of the heroes. If Dan Jurgens can be critical enough and a bit mean-spirited when it comes to critiquing what other writers and artists are doing wrong, Bat-Mite could be a wonderful comic book! But I know that would go against the spirit of feigned comradery at DC Comics! It's probably against the unspoken rules to mention how horrible Ann Nocenti is at writing Catwoman. Although remember when Jeff Lemire, Scott Snyder, Yanick Paquette, and Steve Pugh were doing Rotworld? Remember how they turned all the comic book heroes that were currently being written terribly into all the decaying, disgusting Rotworld "heroes"? That was some divinely subtle commentary, that. And maybe a little playful poking. It's hard to say.

Anyway, if Bat-Mite were just over the line of being mean-spirited, it would be right up my alley! I just don't think Jurgens is going to be successful with it.

This is the final Supergirl's bum for quite some time! Let's hope she gets a new series when the television show begins.

Convergence: Green Lantern Loves Parallax #2

This looks like my high school friend I've mentioned multiple times, Soy Rakelson.

All of the Pre-Zero Hour characters from Metropolis have been losing so far this week. But Green Lantern is up against Princess Fern and the people of Electropolis. The only way he's going to lose is if he finds another girlfriend in the freezer and breaks down from guilt. Maybe that's the key to defeating Princess Fern! Kyle can start dating her and then page Major Force to let him know he's cleared some space in the fridge.

The other way that Kyle can win this fight is if Hal Jordan distracts Princess Fern by destroying her city while she's away.

The first twenty pages probably don't even matter. Kyle, like everybody else in Pre-Zero Hour Metropolis, will surrender for the greater good. Then Parallax will freak out and begin destroying any city he can find. Maybe he'll find a version of Coast City so he can relive that triumphant moment.

Or he can come up with a stupid plan like this one.

The Prime Minister contacts Princess Fern and tells her to destroy Metropolis while its hero is distracted killing them. I knew it was a stupid plan! I wasn't just saying it was a stupid plan out of bitterness and spite that he came up with a logical plan that could actually work. Nope! I knew it would fail because it was so obviously stupid. Kyle Rayner is dumb.

Kyle figures his best bet is to try that thing where he tells Parallax that he knows Hal is in there and that, deep down, he still loves Kyle. But Parallax takes some time believing in himself because the comic book can't just be six pages long. Eventually Hal is hit with enough lightning bolts to provide him with electro-shock therapy. His mind is clearer and there's no long term damage at all! Probably!

Hal talks to Kyle instead of fighting him but ultimately comes to the realization (like everybody reading this comic book) that Kyle Rayner comes up with stupid plans and can't be trusted with the responsibility of defeating Telos. So Hal sends him back to Metropolis where he can, maybe at least, win the battle against Princess Fern.

Princess Fern doesn't know what a weasel is.

Princess Fern will never find out what a weasel is. For the first time in Multiversal Thunderdome, a city has been defeated! Parallax destroys Electropolis while Kyle is trying to stop Fern from destroying Metropolis. Telos makes an announcement that Electropolis has lost. Immediately afterward, Princess Fern and her entourage wink out of existence. That's too bad! Princess Fern was probably one person's favorite character! Ha ha! No, no. Just kidding! Nobody cares!

It's too bad for Princess Fern because Kyle was about to surrender. It's especially too bad for Princess Fern because the earthquake that means Telos is done with the game hits only moments after she's erased from all time.

Convergence: Green Lantern Loves Parallax #2 Rating: This issue rates Five Cold Ethyls out of Ten! That means I found no reasons to dislike it but I also found no reasons to enjoy it. I'm like a real comic book reviewer now! I bet in about a week, I completely forget that I've been trying to rate the comic books with a totally arbitrary system that truly means nothing to anybody whose comic book preferences aren't exactly like mine.

Divergence: Twat Lobo
"Cosmic speakeasies, intergalactic drug dens and even exotic alien women can't distract Twat Lobo from his first love: bounty hunting!"

This is why Cullen Bunn writes boring comic books that rely way too heavily on Narration Boxes. It's because he's writing all of the titles! He's on Sinestro and Lobo and Lost Army and Moon Knight and probably more comic books that I don't want to read!

How come Real Deal Lobo wasn't lurking in Pre-Zero Hour Metropolis, hunh?! He needs to come back and eat Twat Lobo's spleen!

Lobo is currently fucking the wife of the guy he's going to kill to lure the guy to him.

That is the same thing. "The way I see it, you do A, you'll get B. But if you do C, you'll get B!"

Standing there naked while the mark's wife stands naked behind him, Lobo lops the guy's head off with a knife. Blood is everywhere. It's quite the graphic panel. So this must be rated Teen Plus, right? Fuck no! It's a guy as the main character fucking some chick and decapitating a person. What's wrong with that? You have to save the Teen Plus ratings for books like Convergence: Catwoman #2 where she keeps her clothes on the entire time while flirting with Batman and then dies from a small bullet wound to the chest with just a small amount of blood.

People talk about bullshit sexist stuff all the fucking time on the internet. But the way DC Comics uses their Teen Plus Rating? That's actually sexist (even though the ratings don't mean anything). Seriously. Check it out yourself. The main reason a DC Comics will get a Teen Plus Rating is if it has a female main character who shows interest in sex. Decapitations like in Batwing and Batman and Robin? Doesn't earn a Teen Plus. Batwoman and Catwoman enjoy fucking? Teen Plus. Fuck you, DC.

Lobo blah blah blahs up the pages with Narration Boxes and then ends the story looking at his next bounty: Sinestro. I hope they kill each other.

Convergence: Justice League International #2

I wonder how quickly I can finish my Convergence commentaries?!

Here's the Justice League International! When they're not joking, they're dying! Boom! Next!

Of course you wouldn't because you're all assholes.

Most heroes in comic books have a kindergarten level understanding of war (in other words, an American citizen understanding of it). They understand it's either me or them and don't mind how many others die as long as they keep the people like them safe. So when they're trying to save a future timeline, they don't mind that they're killing all of the people in all of the alternate timelines. When they need to save Earth, they don't care about the alien citizens relying on the alien army taking over the planet for the race's survival. They just want to punch things and ignore whatever the real problem is. And if they don't have to see the dead bodies piled up due to their involvement in all out war instead of trying to negotiate some kind of diplomatic solution, even better!

I wish Telos's game had simply been a test. All the heroes that chose not to play his game and decided to save everybody would get to live. The others would wind up back in a dome, all together, for the rest of their lives. The whole "violence solves problems" philosophy is the thing I hate most about comic books. Except Scott Lobdell's writing. That's probably slightly worse.

Blue Beetle gives back the gobstopper and wins it all!

Telos would have been better off not having announced his game the way he did. Now he's ensured that at least half of his participants will refuse to fight because they were told they have to. He's supposed to be half-Brainiac, so you'd think he could have come up with a better plan to trick these heroes into battling each other to the death. Or he just should have found more super villains. Super heroes rarely question whether they should punch a bad guy in the throat. But you send Alternate Timeline Wonder Woman to fight with Blue Beetle and he's going to wonder why anybody would think he'd actually punch Wonder Woman in the face.

This issue is called "Punchline" because Justice League International are jokers. But we all know what the real punchline of a Justice League International series is, right? Dead League members!

Blue Beetle can't get Kingdom Come Wonder Woman to lay down her sword but he does at least convince her to have their Heroclix battle on the desert map instead of the Metropolis map. She gathers up her unique Heroclix buddies while common Heroclix Beetle heads back to his mostly common group to give them the bad news. At least they have Martian Manhunter! He's a powerful unique figure!

They fight for awhile until Blue Beetle finds himself thrown off the edge of the map by Wonder Woman where he meets up with other Blue Beetle.

I really don't remember Kingdom Come. I thought Kingdom Come Ted Kord was just a fat old man.

Blue Beetle and Blue Beetle battle Telos battle bots. It's a Telos battle bot beetle battle. Soon they battle in a puddle with paddles and it's a Telos battle bot beetle paddle battle in a puddle. Then Blue Beetle rattles off some riddles and it's a Fight For Home Outside The Dome Double Beetle Telos Battle Bot Paddle Puddle Riddles Rattled Cattle Battle (because some cows wander into the battle). And then there's the earthquake which really causes some confusion.

After the earthquake, it seems Telos's battle bots no longer care about keeping the contestants of Multiversal Thunderdome in the arena. So Blue Beetle and Blue Beetle head back to the Heroclix map where they find Justice League International has been handily defeated. Again. And again. And, also, again.

That means that every Pre-Zero Hour combatant has lost their fight. Pre-Zero Hour is the worst! But once again, they've only surrendered and gone home to wait for Metropolis to stop existing. But they all seem pretty upbeat about it. I suppose Ted is upbeat because he's going to get some birthday sex from Fire!

Or a crappy surprise from Booster. I guess that's just as good.

Convergence: Justice League International #2 Rating: I'm just surprised that nobody died. Five Bwa Ha Has out of Ten.

Divergence: Justice League 3001
"It's one year later as we travel deeper into the future with Justice League 3001!"

Isn't it clever? They added one year to it! Bwa ha ha!

Clark and Teri are out on a date. Ariel and Bruce are along as chaperones. Bruce is probably there to tell Clark he's an idiot a few times as well.

Close enough. Drink!

Close enough again! Double drink! And eat a cookie!

The date is going poorly enough (because Giffen and DeMatteis can only write antagonistic, ball-breaking dialogue which isn't the kind of dialogue that helps get a couple into bed at the end of the night) before Diana and the new member of the team crash the restaurant.

Yay! Guy Gardner! With boobs! And...I'm going out on a limb here but I think I'm probably right...a vagina!

Is it wrong that I now have a crush on Guy Gardner?

Oh hey! I'm a woman too now! I get to say sexist stuff too! Hooray!

Men are pigs that pee on everything! Balls are gross! Men and remote controls, amirite?! I wonder how many fingers I can put in my vagina?!

Convergence: Green Arrow #2

I miss Green Arrow's wacky beard. And his personality. And his being well written.

I feel bad way down in my nostalgia organ that I'm not enjoying Christy Marx's Green Arrow story. I really wanted to like it so that I could be an excellent critic and write, "Convergence: Green Arrow is truly, truly, truly outrageous!" Then everybody would golf clap and say, "My, my. How droll. Mmm, these cucumber sandwiches are delicious." But instead I'm bored by the story because it feels more like a GI Joe or He-man story than a Jem and the Holograms story. That's because it's teaching me a story about racism instead of a story about not talking behind my best friend's back.

That might have been a sexist statement but it wasn't sexist because I typed it! It was sexist because the 1980s were sexist!

The issue begins with Kingdom Come: Team Powerless monitoring the Bat-monitors.

Where's Ted Kord? I'm going to assume the bald guy with the whackadoodle facial hair is Kingdom Come Oliver Queen.

I really don't remember Kingdom Come that well. I should probably reread it.

This issue is called "Mother and Daughter" because it stars Black Canary and her daughter Olivia, Younger Black Canary. They're pulled into battle to fight against "Father and Son" team, Green Arrow and Connor Hawke. I hope Connor and Olivia don't have sex because that would be alternate timeline half-incest! It's not quite as bad as regular incest but thinking about it still makes me want to crawl inside my own butthole. That means it gives me the heebie-jeebies and not a hard-on.

Stop joking around and start punching each other! You heard the rules! Sheesh!

Christy Marx nails the interaction of two groups of heroes that have been thrown together to fight with each other. Probably because they're all so closely tied together through doing it and family but it still feels right. The weird thing about heroes being pitted against each other is how often it doesn't break out into conversation. Sure there's usually a misunderstanding so the conflict seems to make some sense. But ultimately the heroes fight because they aren't acting like heroes. They give in to fear and react instead of being courageous and patient and waiting to see how the situation plays out. Christy Marx throws people from different realities together but since they're so familiar with the faces of the others, they naturally react as friends (and family!). It's probably my favorite first encounter between Convergence opponents so far. It's also possible I forgot one that I really liked before this.

Dinah suggests they all work together to figure out what's going on. They all agree. Connor Hawke points out immediately that Olivia is practically his sister, just to kill the awkward sexual tension that all the readers were feeling.

The Arrow/Canary Gang find themselves in an abandoned version of Metropolis. They decide to head to the top of the highest building to get a look around.

I guess their real opponent hasn't shown up yet! And since I forgot what the fight card looked like, I don't remember who it might be. Ultron?

It's possible that Telos has lifted the city so that the combatants can't escape from the fight. It's hard to say since every writer seems to have been allowed to make up their own rules for the battle. The only thing they're supposed to add to the story is an earthquake. How is Christy going to put in her earthquake if the city is floating above the ground?

Dinah and Ollie finally realize that maybe they're supposed to battle each other and they're not waiting for somebody else. Am I going to have to take back my compliments to Christ Marx now? Is Ollie going to spin around and put an arrow in Dinah's neck now?!

Telos makes an appearance in this issue to let the Arrow/Canary Gang know that both of their cities will die if they don't fight. Which probably means Ollie and Dinah, knowing each other as well as they do even if they're from different timelines, are going to start fighting to protect their own cities. Of course they'll only be doing it for show but they won't be able to tell Connor and Olivia what's going on without alerting Telos to their deception. So Connor and Olivia will be all, "No! No! My sister! My brother! Mom! Dad! I'm rending my garments!"

The duos split up for awhile so that Connor and Oliver can bond as father and son. It's love at first sight! And now that they've spent two pages becoming best friends, they're ready to take on the other half of the family. Although they suck at it and lose almost immediately. At least they found each other!

Sorry they didn't get to have sweet, sweet interdimensional incest.

Green Arrow and Connor Hawke wake up back in their own Metropolis as losers. They don't seem to put out by failing to save their city. Instead they decide to enjoy whatever time they have left with each other. I'm sure the other citizens of Metropolis aren't so upbeat about their imminent extinction! Except, of course, the earthquake hits and Telos cancels the game and Deimos takes over as the enemy.

Convergence: Green Arrow #2 Rating: The meeting of the heroes on the battlefield was handled better than most. And even when they realized they had to battle and gave in to save their respective cities, they fought only to convince Telos they won. They respected each other but still did what they were obligated to do for the existence of their timelines. That's about all I can ask any of the heroes in this thing. Just realize that people from other timelines aren't actually real. Either they aren't or you aren't, so make a choice! Choose life!

Divergence: Green Lantern Corps: Lost Army
"John Stewart, Two-Six, Kilowog and Arisia are among a group of GL's missing in action! It will be a hard road to survival for The Lost Army!"

I think I can review this Sneak Peek without actually reading it because it was written by Cullen Bunn. Here it goes:

It's boring.

Since the writing will probably be mediocre, I'm at least hoping that Jesus Saiz does justice to 2-6-8-1-7-9-5!

As the introduction pointed out, a small group of Green Lanterns have become lost in space! I don't know where they are or how they got there and I bet Cullen Bunn doesn't either since he's always getting his sectors wrong. I bet the last thing Kilowog remembers is being beat up by Hal Jordan.

2-6-8-1-7-9-5 is not a robot. She should cuss in equations not binary. Besides, her binary is nonsense. But she looks cute!

Great! Their first encounter is with aliens who are, once again, immune to the power of the Green Lantern Rings. Typical!

The team also discovers that the enemies they are facing exist only to erase foreign matter from the universe. Typical!

And then they run into the greatest Green Lantern fremesis ever: Krona! Typcial!

I wonder if it's too late to take this off of my pull list?

Convergence: Superboy #2

Who didn't want to do this to 90s Superboy?

Superboy has been sitting on my scanner for about five hours as I keep coming up with other things to do rather than read this comic book. I don't think I'm in the mood for angsty teenage bravado! But I guess I have to get on with it if I want to read Convergence: Green Arrow #2.

Come to think of it, I don't want to read that one either.

Last issue ended with Superman challenging Superboy to act like a Superman. It was completely in character for Superman to act like a gigantic asshole. Actually, being that this is Kingdom Come Superman, it might be! I don't think it is because Magog is the asshole in that comic book. Although wasn't Superman retired because the government frowned on masks? Wait, was that Watchman? And at what point did Parliament blow up?

You know what I should be paying more attention to? The Eisner's! Did you know there was a category for Best Comic Book Journalism? I should have been rallying support for write-ins! Yesterday I heard that I did get one write-in vote! So I'm almost the best comic book journalist!

Currently in this comic book, Superman is hitting Superboy with a plane. It's the kind of image that makes comic book fans go, "Holy heck! Awesome!" But intelligent, pipe smoking, slipper wearing critics like me raise up one finger and say, "A-ha! But how does Kingdom Come Superman, no matter how strong he might be, hold and swing a plane by the tail without throwing out his back? He's an old man, by gum!"

Last issue was narrated in dubious fashion by Dubbilex. This issue continues to be narrated in dubious fashion by Dubbilex! He's some weird Satyr-like being with telepathy who probably has loads and loads of sex. I've read enough ancient literature to know that horns are a symbol for erect penises. If a creature has horns, look out! Mostly look out for its huge erect phallus.

Speaking of huge, erect phalluses, I bet in the time of Benjamin Franklin, men walked around with pitched tents all the time and the ladies just had to shut up about it.

Superman doesn't understand youthful passion, does he? He just hit Superboy with a plane! Why would Superboy care about anything this jerk said?

Superboy uses his tactile telekinesis to throw a plane into Superman. Now that they're even, maybe Superman will be all, "Heh! You got me! Okay, son, let's work together now." And then Superboy will be all "Don't call me son!" and he'll throw the airport at Superman.

Listen to your own stupid advice, Clark! I think this is that "do as I say, not as I do" crap parents love to pull.

I'm all for doing as I do while I say to do differently. It's the cool lifestyle choice of cool people.

Superboy doesn't give up because Superman tells him to. Why should he? Superman hasn't given him any reason to believe he's a good guy. He began the entire encounter by being a condescending dickhole. And then when Superboy chose not to submit to this asshole, Superman began hitting him with planes. Eventually, Superman escalates things by doing that thing that we all knew wouldn't go well when he finally did it: he calls Superboy "son." Superboy reacts by throwing Superman halfway across Metropolis. That's when Kingdom Come Flash arrives to punch Superboy in the face fifteen thousand times.

How does one know when something "almost" hurts? REM should have called their song "Everybody Almost Hurts".

Dubbilex and Serling run a computer simulation to determine how much of Metropolis will be destroyed if Superboy and Superman continue to fight. The result is "all of it" and "in thirty minutes." Their computer program is as dubious as the narration! Are they taking into account that Superman would never destroy Metropolis by battling for thirty minutes against Zod? I mean Superboy! It's patently ridiculous! And trademarkedly nonsensical!

Red Robin and The Flash evacuate the civilians from around the Superfight which already makes Dubbilex's computer model faulty since they programmed it to include The Flash in the fight. But now he's saving people! That probably means Metropolis has at least fifteen more minutes before it has Superboy-sized holes in the sides of every building. And then that Convergencequake hits which really screws up the computer simulation! Now the city probably only has ten minutes before it's rubble!

If you want to stop fighting, stop fighting! Batman Almighty!

Now that Lois has shown up, I bet they all hold hands and sing "All You Need is Love"! If I had been in The Beatles, I would have gotten laid so many times! But also, I would have called the song "All You Need is Onion Rings."

Lois decides to get an interview with Superman in the middle of the fight so when she gets brained by a piece of rock thrown at Superman by Superboy, I make sure to point out to everybody around me that I have no sympathy for her and she shouldn't have been there and I told you that would happen.

One of my favorite exploitation videos of all time back when Fox loved to air those television shows of people's near deaths caught on tape was one with an Australian school group hiking above a canyon. The teacher is filming and he's got the camera on two girls heading out on a tiny, dangerous looking path. He's yelling at them not to go out there when suddenly the ledge gives way and they begin tumbling into the chasm. He follows them with the camera and as he films it, as they're falling to possible death, he yells, "I told you not to go out there!" What an asshole!

The Flash takes Lois to the hospital where Superman prays they find she has amnesia so he can insinuate himself into her life. After she's gone, he decides to lecture Superboy and point out that if they're going to defeat the mysteryious Telos, they have a better chance if Superman wins this fight than if punk-ass Superboy wins. Superboy doesn't throw himself in front of a bullet like Catwoman does (spoiler if you haven't read Convergence: Catwoman #2 yet! Don't read that previous sentence!) but he does agree to take a few shots from Superman until he's knocked unconscious. According to the cover, Superman strangles him into unconsciousness! Sexy!

Ha ha!

After Superboy is knocked out, Jimmy Olsen steps in to take a humiliating picture of him for the cover of the next edition of The Daily Planet. Is everybody in this comic book a huge asshole?

Convergence: Superboy #2 Rating: I wonder if Justin Gray and Fabian Nicieza read each other's books and were all, "Hey! You got your dick butter in my choco-vagina!" They basically both came up with the same idea. They were given the task to write a match-up where they believed it was more heroic to show their character lose. At least Superboy didn't have to die! Although Lois might still die! I guess Pre-Zero Hour Metropolis is going to be short a few dozen women when this is all said and done. This issue garnered Five Rebellious Attitudes out of Ten because Superman chose to fight but kept blaming the fighting on Superboy. Take responsibility for your actions, Jerko! You could have beat Superboy without ever even throwing a single plane at him!

Divergence: Action Comics
"The epic new storyline 'Truth' begins! For Superman, there's no more holding back!"

Oooh! Doesn't this sound exciting?! A comic book where Superman doesn't hold back? What is this? The nineties?!

Here's the thing, Greg Pak and my good buddy Aaron Kuder whom I once met: I want Superman to hold back more! He should be holding back so much that he never sells another comic book because all of his encounters are so boring! If Superman were written correctly, he'd be a box office disaster! Why can't anybody write the best, most boringest Superman?! Because they're all cowards, that's why! They don't realize that I'd still support a boring Superman. I mean, I wouldn't read or buy any of his comic books or go see any of his movies. But I'd give him good reviews!

This Sneak Peek begins with Superman in Alaska. I guess he's gone to find himself as well? Is he going to drink whisky out of a dead man's anus too?

Superman is probably trying to get home. I guess editorial has decided that the Fortress of Solitude is in the Arctic this month as opposed to the Antarctic. Superman's powers are fading and he can't fly so he's riding a snowmobile. He's also being attacked by Shadow Ninjas!

Ever since Superman discovered his FWASH Power which drains his normal powers, every single writer has decided to write him without powers. And I guess everybody decided that he doesn't just lose his powers for one day. No, now he loses his flight for an unknown amount of time and his other powers have gone completely wonky. I guess DC Comics decided, yet again, that reducing his powers makes him more interesting. Superman's powers are like a sine wave over time. DC will reduce his powers because they think he's too boring when he's all-powerful. Then they realize that he's just not the same striking symbol without being the most powerful hero in all of comics, so they give him back all of his powers. Then they decide that nobody wants to read a guy that can't be beat, and they've all read the guy without powers that still fights the good fight, so they turn him into a stream of electrons or something crazy. I don't know! All I know is that DC Comics truly has no idea what to do with their most iconic character.

Batman is not the most iconic! He's their most popular character! Stop arguing with me, internet!

Superman still has enough power to kill all of the Shadow Ninjas since they must have just been Burnt Stick Golems or something. Then bleeding and freezing, he walks the rest of the way to the Fortress of Solitude.

But the Fortress doesn't recognize him and steals his clothes to leave him to die naked in the Arctic.

Typical.

Convergence: Catwoman #2

This cover made me Teen Plus in my pants.

DC Comics has decided that all of their stories they've ever created exist in the current continuity. But there's a catch! The New 52 is the cherished, most loved continuity baby of them all and it's that universe that will continue to exist after Darkseid and The Anti-Monitor finally put their penises back in their pants. The New 52 characters are the ones which editorial will treat with kid gloves. Those are the comic books, barring the "big shocker changes" happening between issue #40 and #41 of many of The New 52 issues, where the status quo will continue to be king. But the characters in Convergence don't really matter now. They're ghosts. They are now living the swinging, carefree lifestyle of Elseworlds characters. And you know what that means for Catwoman, right?! She's finally going to get Batman's letterman jacket.

But first she has to have sex with old, stuffy Kingdom Come Batman before she can crack the new spine of pre-Zero Hour Batman. Or post-Zero Hour Batman. I forget what time period these characters are from. I guess it doesn't matter that much if the characters are pre- or post-Zero Hour. Unless that character is Hank Hall.

Kingdom Come Batman has come to Metropolis to fuckfight Catwoman. I hope it winds up being a tie. That would be romantic. And sticky.

No matter how sexy artists try to make Catwoman's black suit, this purple one does something extra special to my Teen Plus.

Catwoman figures the only way this team-up is going to end in sex is if she and Batman work together to defeat Telos. But with all that armor covering up his body, Batman doesn't realize that he's supposed to have a boner right now. Catwoman was sitting right on top of him! That's like the universal signal that somebody thinks you're a compatible sexual partner! Or a chair!

Mannheim, leader of Intergang, shows up to kill Batman since Catwoman seems a bit distracted by Batman's heaping amounts of justice. Mannheim throws armored Batman through a glass window because this Batman's reactions are slower than normal due to being armored and really fucking old. It's also possible that Batman saw a huge, unbroken glass window and couldn't help throwing himself through it. That leaves Catwoman to take down Mannheim alone which is the proper way to write this story. Mannheim is Catwoman's sowing to reap.

"Power Source" is an acceptable answer! I would have also accepted "face."

After defeating Mannheim, the residents of Suicide Slums emerge with more firearms to put Batman in the ground and save the city. Seriously? Now the poor and downtrodden get some initiative! Conservative zing!

Catwoman steps up to deliver her Oscar winning speech where she says, "Wherever there are robotic world conquerors. I'll be there! Wherever there are timelines being written out of existence. I'll be there! Wherever sidekicks aren't allowed to return from the dead after an acceptable amount of time, I'll be there! Wherever a Batman needs a sweaty break from fighting justice, I'll be there! Wherever armed citizens of Suicide Slums threaten my Batman, I'll be there!" Then Batman says, "I thought you were going to go with the 'shoot your own dog' speech!" Then Skartaris blows up and rocks the world.

"An accident"? I think the words you're looking for are "poor aim."

Then Catwoman dies leaving the saving of both cities to Batman. I guess that's supposed to be a heroic death to save everybody. She's a Catmartyr. She's been giving everything she has to help these people and, in the end, she finally runs out of things to give. Or the last thing she has to give is Batman and who wouldn't want a Batman? That's the way I'm sure Justin Gray wants people to read this story. But come on! What Catwoman fan isn't going to read this and throw it against the wall? Why the fuck is Catwoman giving up her life to save Batman in her own comic book?! I know technically she's saving everybody by giving up her life but I'm trying to be angry at how the message of this comic book is blatantly sexist! Especially when Batman peeks under her top after she's dead. Really, DC?!

Convergence: Catwoman #2 Rating: Catwoman and Batman were supposed to fuck in this series. But they didn't so this series failed. But it didn't just fail! It super-failed by killing Catwoman so that Batman can live! What kind of message are you sending to little Catgirls? They're only worthy of elevating a man to a position where he can change the world? They can't do it themselves?

How many Catwomen does it take to change a lightbulb?

One! As long as her death motivates some guy into realizing the room needs a new light source.

Divergence: Gotham By Midnight
"The Midnight Shift is in danger from both its members and the rest of the GCPD! In a deadly new Gotham City, does the paranormal really still pose a threat?"

The Midnight by Gotham Sneak Peek is more like an advertisement for readers that missed the first story arc than it is some short story bridging the big changes happening between the pre-Convergence issue and the post-Convergence issue. We're introduced to Jim Corrigan who keeps the Spectre in check. There's Dinah Drake who's part-Banshee. There's Doctor Tarr who speaks Ancient Gibberish. There's Lieutenant Weaver who keeps the Midnight Shift in check by demanding every receipt. And then there was Sister Justine but I think they need a new nun for Issue #6 because I think Justine died or something. They're the team Batman (Commissioner Gordon in Armor version) calls when Gotham has ghosts! After that, he calls his lawyer to make sure nobody is going to sue over putting "call" and "ghosts" in the same sentence.

The main thing that has changed is the art. Ben Templesmith is gone so the look isn't going to be as creepy and spooky as it was previously. Juan Ferreyra is on both art and color so they'll keeping the same basic painted style. Juan's lines are a lot more slick than Ben's though. And the characters have actual hands instead of everybody having claws, which is kind of a disappointment. Ben's style was a major part of this book but I think Juan's more polished look might actually garner more readers (no matter how wrong and shallow those readers are).

I'm not knocking Juan at all! This stuff really looks gorgeous! I just think Ben Templesmith's style was a huge part of the personality of this book.

And that's my comic book art critique for the year! Coming up next: one thousand commentaries about a visual medium without a single reference to the art!