Young Heroes in Love #4

If Junior hits it off with Zip-Kid, he can stop fucking mice.

I don't want to assume that Junior and Zip-Kid are going to become romantically involved just because she's got the only vagina he won't drown in. Certainly she has her own agency and wasn't specifically created so that Junior can have a romantic love interest, right? Right guys? Tell me I'm right. Please?

I don't really remember Zip-Kid too well because she isn't gay and I didn't have to write a letter to DC that purported to be about her sexual identity but was in fact about me and how lonely I was. But I think she can actually adjust her size which it seems Junior can't. So why would she want to fuck Junior when she can bang Hard Drive? I bet Zip-Kid comes so hard when she's small and wraps herself around a regular sized dick. Now everybody who likes dick is probably thinking about how awesome that would be because it totally would be awesome. I'll let you think about it for a few more seconds.

Okay! That's enough! Get your mind back on comic books, you disgusting perverts!

Everybody is sad because they're being drawn by a guest artist.

Hard Drive has run off crying so Superman is all, "That guy don't seem so hard." Blushing little lightning bolts, Superman clarifies, "In the British sense and not in the erotic sense." I wonder what Superman Red was doing while Superman Blue was fighting Tottenjaeger? That might sound like a stupid question to people who actually knew what was going on with electric Superman after he returned from the dead. I never read any of those comic books. I'm sure one of my friends explained it to me at the time but it must not have been interesting enough for my mind to retain it.

Superman questions Hard Drive's leadership skills because Superman can't remember a single time Batman ran out of the room crying. He never even did that when Kevin Smith was writing him! But Zip-Kid appears for the first time and is all, "I'm Zip-Kid! You don't know me or my huge tits (huge for a tiny woman, that is!) but let me explain what just happened." She then provids a stupid excuse as to why Hard Drive lost his temper and ran away crying which Superman readily accepts because he's a naive and gullible idiot. Unless he's just too kind to question anybody's honesty and simply knows when a person is lying to save face on all sides. Maybe Superman is the opposite of a naive and gullible idiot. Maybe I'm the naive and gullible idiot!

No, no way. My mom certainly would have yelled that at me at least once growing up if I were one.

Zip-Kid heard the mummy was back and figured the Young Heroes would be back too so she thought she'd appear and try to be recruited. She's pretty hot so that means she probably automatically makes the team. Unless she still has to declare which two other members with which she'll become entangled in a romantic triangle and she'll only then be a full-fledged member.

Last issue, Bonfire read a hidden message in Frostbite's ice sculpture so she confronts him about it now.

Pretty sure the filthy message was for Off-ramp and the guest artist wasn't told Frostbite shouldn't look so happy about Bonfire wanting to sit on his dick.

Hard Drive hears Bonfire's lustful words to Frostbite and once again uses his mind powers to get her to forget him. Frostbite doesn't notice and I don't know why. I think when Bonfire said she wanted to dip his icicle in her foundry, he grimaced, awkwardly adjusted his neck tie, and excused himself stage left.

Junior makes a pass at Zip-Girl only to find she not only has huge tits and a gigantic zipper but also a boyfriend. A mouse, watching from under the sofa, tightens its sphincter, squeaks, and runs away.

Frostbite seems upset that Bonfire suddenly wants to fuck Thunderhead again which seems weird because I'm fairly certain he's gay. I suppose I should trust the story I'm reading rather than my memory since the me that made that memory probably hadn't put as much thought into bisexuality as the me that's currently writing this. Although that probably isn't a whole lot more. Me back then probably would have been, "Is that a thing?" And me now is more like, "Oh yeah. That guy fucks chicks and guys. Cool beans." Although by 1997, I'd already been propositioned by my friend Doom Bunny's friend Michael when we were both sleeping in Doom Bunny's living room after a party. Michael climb up from the floor so we were chest to chest and leaned in close and asked, "Have you ever been with a guy?" I said, "No." And then he said, "Do you want to be?" And I said, "No-o-o-o?" Then he said, "Oh, sorry!" Then as I lay there in the dark feeling horny, I thought, "Why aren't I bisexual? I sure wouldn't mind being jerked off right now!" So I totally would have thought about bisexuality by the time I read this!

At some point, Zip-Girl returns to normal size and everybody becomes annoyed with Junior because he doesn't. He then has to confide that he's incapable of changing size. It's so emasculating that I can hardly feel enjoyment in this next scan.

Va-va-va—oh, poor Junior—voom!

Junior almost quits but then he and Frostbite walk in on Thunderhead and Bonfire boning and the intense drama pulls him back into the team. Plus, you know, maybe he still has a chance with Zip-Girl.

Young Heroes in Love #4 Rating: B+. The Teen Titans was never this good. How could it run for 120 or more issues and this comic book only went for 18? Oh wait. I know how. Because comic book fans are idiots who will read any comic book, no matter how shitty, as long as it has a character they love. This comic book only had new characters so it already lost a good portion of its potential audience right out of the gate. Comic books with new heroes are like going to a concert and hearing the band play songs off the new album. Nobody wants that shit! Give us Batman and Free Bird!

Harley Quinn Road Trip Special #1

I hope this is more "time spent in motels" than "time spent on the road," if you get my horny meaning!

Amanda and Jimmy pump out so many of these Harley Quinn specials that I usually just treat them as a nice break from writing anything coherent. Shut up! I heard you scoffing your nerdy scoff and snidely saying, "As if anything you write is coherent!", followed by an ebullient snort of laughter!

I don't even know what words are anymore.

See, the thing it starts and then some stuff but then well here and what.

So the lollipop was all and the skirt hitched and the toes and calves were hey.

So then the plot and it's Tony and the sausage dog is back too. A road trip is planned just like the cover says! Oh, hey. I'm getting my words back! Whew. That was close.

Butts butt butt butt butts.

So Poison and Batman but then phone cats and brbble drzzl.

Flaked. Meaty Bits. Saucesations. Tasty Treasures. Rise and Shine. Savory Shreds.

Soon in Los Angeles more low cuts and high hems and towels and underpants.

Typing words here.

Mobile home or whatnot.

spork


guttural noise

Bikininininanas. Hallucinations. Oral sex.

spurt. nap.

What? Hunh? What's going on? Mmm, boobies.

Beaver jokes! The end!

Harley Quinn Road Trip Special #1 Rating: I haven't scanned this much cheesecake since Superboy #3!

Convergence: Justice League International #2

I wonder how quickly I can finish my Convergence commentaries?!

Here's the Justice League International! When they're not joking, they're dying! Boom! Next!

Of course you wouldn't because you're all assholes.

Most heroes in comic books have a kindergarten level understanding of war (in other words, an American citizen understanding of it). They understand it's either me or them and don't mind how many others die as long as they keep the people like them safe. So when they're trying to save a future timeline, they don't mind that they're killing all of the people in all of the alternate timelines. When they need to save Earth, they don't care about the alien citizens relying on the alien army taking over the planet for the race's survival. They just want to punch things and ignore whatever the real problem is. And if they don't have to see the dead bodies piled up due to their involvement in all out war instead of trying to negotiate some kind of diplomatic solution, even better!

I wish Telos's game had simply been a test. All the heroes that chose not to play his game and decided to save everybody would get to live. The others would wind up back in a dome, all together, for the rest of their lives. The whole "violence solves problems" philosophy is the thing I hate most about comic books. Except Scott Lobdell's writing. That's probably slightly worse.

Blue Beetle gives back the gobstopper and wins it all!

Telos would have been better off not having announced his game the way he did. Now he's ensured that at least half of his participants will refuse to fight because they were told they have to. He's supposed to be half-Brainiac, so you'd think he could have come up with a better plan to trick these heroes into battling each other to the death. Or he just should have found more super villains. Super heroes rarely question whether they should punch a bad guy in the throat. But you send Alternate Timeline Wonder Woman to fight with Blue Beetle and he's going to wonder why anybody would think he'd actually punch Wonder Woman in the face.

This issue is called "Punchline" because Justice League International are jokers. But we all know what the real punchline of a Justice League International series is, right? Dead League members!

Blue Beetle can't get Kingdom Come Wonder Woman to lay down her sword but he does at least convince her to have their Heroclix battle on the desert map instead of the Metropolis map. She gathers up her unique Heroclix buddies while common Heroclix Beetle heads back to his mostly common group to give them the bad news. At least they have Martian Manhunter! He's a powerful unique figure!

They fight for awhile until Blue Beetle finds himself thrown off the edge of the map by Wonder Woman where he meets up with other Blue Beetle.

I really don't remember Kingdom Come. I thought Kingdom Come Ted Kord was just a fat old man.

Blue Beetle and Blue Beetle battle Telos battle bots. It's a Telos battle bot beetle battle. Soon they battle in a puddle with paddles and it's a Telos battle bot beetle paddle battle in a puddle. Then Blue Beetle rattles off some riddles and it's a Fight For Home Outside The Dome Double Beetle Telos Battle Bot Paddle Puddle Riddles Rattled Cattle Battle (because some cows wander into the battle). And then there's the earthquake which really causes some confusion.

After the earthquake, it seems Telos's battle bots no longer care about keeping the contestants of Multiversal Thunderdome in the arena. So Blue Beetle and Blue Beetle head back to the Heroclix map where they find Justice League International has been handily defeated. Again. And again. And, also, again.

That means that every Pre-Zero Hour combatant has lost their fight. Pre-Zero Hour is the worst! But once again, they've only surrendered and gone home to wait for Metropolis to stop existing. But they all seem pretty upbeat about it. I suppose Ted is upbeat because he's going to get some birthday sex from Fire!

Or a crappy surprise from Booster. I guess that's just as good.

Convergence: Justice League International #2 Rating: I'm just surprised that nobody died. Five Bwa Ha Has out of Ten.

Divergence: Justice League 3001
"It's one year later as we travel deeper into the future with Justice League 3001!"

Isn't it clever? They added one year to it! Bwa ha ha!

Clark and Teri are out on a date. Ariel and Bruce are along as chaperones. Bruce is probably there to tell Clark he's an idiot a few times as well.

Close enough. Drink!

Close enough again! Double drink! And eat a cookie!

The date is going poorly enough (because Giffen and DeMatteis can only write antagonistic, ball-breaking dialogue which isn't the kind of dialogue that helps get a couple into bed at the end of the night) before Diana and the new member of the team crash the restaurant.

Yay! Guy Gardner! With boobs! And...I'm going out on a limb here but I think I'm probably right...a vagina!

Is it wrong that I now have a crush on Guy Gardner?

Oh hey! I'm a woman too now! I get to say sexist stuff too! Hooray!

Men are pigs that pee on everything! Balls are gross! Men and remote controls, amirite?! I wonder how many fingers I can put in my vagina?!

Convergence: Justice League International #1

Grgglplz!

Justice League International only has two speeds: comic relief or horrible tragedy. I wonder which one we'll get this time!

This issue is called "It Only Hurts When I Laugh" which is probably a pretty apt title for the Justice League International I just described in the previous paragraph. It begins with Metallo marching down the street in front of the Daily Planet proclaiming that he shall be the new leader of Metropolis. That sounds like the cue for Booster and Beetle to drop in and make a dumb joke!

Or just Beetle.

So Roy Harper's cybernetic arm didn't work under the Dome but Red Tornado is fully functional. Do Martian Manhunter's powers work since they're part of his physiology and not actually super-powers? He obviously has his shapechanging ability still or else he'd look like a monstrous alien freak. No offense!

Blue Beetle makes sure to mention how they adapted Red Tornado's tech so that he could retain his powers so that fanboys like me can just suck it with our whiny bitching over every little pathetic detail. I get it, Blue Beetle! I'm annoying! I should just sit back and enjoy whatever DC Comics shoves in my face: shoddy characterization; implausible plot points; huge, erect, pre-cum dripping phalluses. I got the message! I need an attitude adjustment.

Blue Beetle has spent the last year working on new technologies to protect Metropolis when he should have been practicing his banter. His witty rejoinders just weren't good enough to balance out whatever tragedy is going to befall them by the end of this issue. After they defeat Metallo, Blue Beetle is already left with a broken arm with the owner of a nearby store taking him to task for destroying his restaurant in the melee. At the point the guy says Blue Beetle isn't a real hero is when, if I were Blue Beetle, I'd decide to fix up Metallo and set him loose on the streets of Metropolis. Fuck that ungrateful asshole. He's lucky he's not currently being used as a flesh socket for a robot dongle.

Later at Justice League International Headquarters, Beetle debriefs his team.

You traitor to the robot race, Tornado.

After the meeting, Fire tells Beetle that she wants to fuck but he's all, "No, I need to tend to my bug." Nobody makes a masturbation joke because they are all apparently from Mars.

That's funny. According to The New 52 Teen Titans, the Martians were all about justice and no mercy. You'd think a race that revered poets would be all up inside mercy.

J'onn has a sense of humor, Ted, it's just too subtle for fucking slap-monkeys like you and Booster. J'onn was also making a joke about joining you and Bea in bed, idiot. Or maybe it was a serious suggestion? If he still has his shapeshifting ability (which he must because look at him being all shapeshifted to look human!), he can fill all of their holes!

If Martian Manhunter ever makes it onto one of the new DC Comics television shows, he needs to be played by Andre Braugher.

Ted and J'onn have a boring conversation about the state of their world and their place in trying to keep it from falling apart. Thankfully they're interrupted by Planet Brainiac's Battle Games announcement.

The team congregates on the roof to listen to Planet Brainiac's message. When it's over and the dome is gone, they all discover that their powers have returned. Red Tornado observes silently and then the sad Charlie Brown music plays and he walks off to go sit back in the storage closet and turn himself off.

Justice League International's opponents arrive in a crack of thunder and flash of lightning. They are Wonder Woman, Captain Marvel, and a bunch of other Kingdom Come versions of characters like Obsidian, Jade, Blue Beetle, and others. Suffice to say with just Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel, I think they're powerful enough to destroy Justice League International. I know the JLI has Martian Manhunter and Captain Atom on their team, so they've got some pretty major fire power as well. But judging from their history? Half of them will be dead by the end of the next issue which might actually be cancelled halfway through the book.

Convergence: Justice League International #1 Rating: After Ambush Bug and Cheek's appearance at the end of Supergirl: Matrix #1, everything else is just going to be disappointing! Not to mention most of the stuff written by Ron Marz is also going to be disappointing. So this issue was doubly disappointing! I wish it would have concentrated on J'onn's search for just one more fucking Oreo left in the city. Or Blue Beetle talking to a Booster Gold hand puppet that he keeps strapped to the copilot's seat in the Bug. Even if the whimsical Justice League International can be a little much with the constant banter, the endless bickering, and the constant breaking of each other's balls, I still found it preferable to the Justice League International in which half of the members were constantly being hospitalized or killed. Maybe it's just time to forget this team ever existed.