Michael Cray #2

You can tell the twenty tens are better than the nineties because Wildstorm chose not to call this book Deathblow.

This book has sat on my stack for longer than it should have because I've been separating my weekly comics into two piles: one for reading and one for commenting on. If not for this comic book having the greatest plot of any comic book I've ever read (the assassination of Green Arrow), it would probably have been read weeks ago without any discussion. Most comic books are read and forgotten in five to fifteen minutes so I want to savor every word leading up to Green Arrow's death by commenting on it as I read it. I mean, after the whole lead up and this being a different Universe than the DC Universe, it has to end in Green Arrow's death, right? Maybe I should email Bryan Hill and ask if I'm wasting my time and money on this Green Arrow Snuff Comic?

This issue begins with some Michael Cray Steampunk Fiction. That seems odd because I thought he was hunting down a John Donne spouting, sister abusing, farcical facial hair wearing, homeless veteran hunting nutjob? When did he slip into an alternate version of the past composed of 40% Victorian and/or Edwardian costumes, 30% steam powered inventions, 15% goggles, 10% steepling hands over tea and evil machinations, and 5% blimps?

Those are the kinds of useless questions I ask during my commentaries. They're useless because the comic book usually answers the question in subsequent pages. Although they're not useless if you consider all art worthy of contemplation. Don't you fucking smirk at me calling my blog art, you piece of shit!

See? It has all the Steampunk components in probably the right percentages!

It turns out Michael Cray and his new Death Squad are just doing some virtual reality training. I guess since they're going up against Green Arrow, they're training with obsolete weapons against old fashioned foes. I hope Michael Cray has warned them about the boxing glove arrow. That's probably the main thing they should be concerned about. Also the arrow that turns into a net which nobody can ever get out of. I've never been caught in a net but I'm fairly certain I could extricate myself fairly quickly. I know I can get out from under a blanket in like ten seconds and what is a net except one of my blankets with less moth-eaten holes in it?

Cray ditches his Death Squad because, like Deathstork, he prefers to work alone. Also like Deathstork, he has "death" in his super-person name. It's these kinds of observations that led professors in college to respond to my papers with praise like "Gee. You really read the shit out of this book, didn't you?" and "With every paper you turn in, my consternation toward the levels of your academic enthusiasm grows ever greater."

Before Cray kills Green Arrow (look, this is only issue #2 of a twelve issue series. It's possible Green Arrow's murder is just the first story in a longer arc about Deathblow's new Wildstorm origin but I'm not getting my hopes up that I'll see Green Arrow's death any sooner than maybe Issue #11), he visits his doctor to find out if the thing in his brain is still killing him.

This is just the kind of existential and philosophical banter patients crave from their doctors when worried about their health.

After finding out he isn't in any danger from a brain tumor, Michael Cray rushes out to get kidnapped by Green Arrow to be hunted as the ultimate prey. I guess it's important to know you're healthy when going to your death.

Ha ha! Just kidding! Michael Cray isn't going to die! His name is on the cover and the cover shows the story will go for twelve issues. It's more likely — and I don't mean to go on and on about how big my boner is for this event — Green Arrow will die!

Cray wakes up in Green Arrow's hunting dome where Green Arrow has been watching him lie there unconscious. Green Arrow makes sure Cray knows that he's discovered that Cray is an assassin. He gives him a gun because some hunters like to hunt animals that can fight back, like other hunters and...well, that's the only example I could come up with. I mean, sure, sometimes hunters are killed by wild boar or some large predator they should never have been hunting in the first place, but that's not usually because the animal knew it was participating in a fight for survival. It's usually because the hunter fucked up in some arrogant way and the animal was all, "You kidding me? I'll fuck you up, you defenseless pink piece of shit!" And then right before the hunter is killed, he thinks, "I deserved to die like this!"

Was that giving the hunter too much credit? Maybe the hunter's actual last thought was, "Oh no! Whoever finds my body will realize I shit myself!" Or maybe, "This isn't fair!" Or perhaps, "I regret not having beaten my loved ones more!"

Michael Cray and Oliver Queen battle for a few pages until I finally get my wish. First, Cray disintegrates Green Arrow's right arm with his deathblow power. Then one of Michael Cray's coworkers (who isn't supposed to be coworking this event) shoots Oliver Queen through the head. And just like that, Green Arrow is dead. It's not as satisfying as I was hoping it would be. That's probably a good lesson for me to learn through literature. Now I know that I probably would be left unsatisfied and possibly live to regret killing the vet who euthanized my cat. Sure, sure. She had my blessing because he was in pain and just getting worse. But she still murdered him! I should probably let her out of the Death Dome now that I've learned my lesson.

Now that Michael Cray has killed Green Arrow in just Issue #2, I guess I don't need to write a commentary on the next issue.

Oh fuck it. I guess I'll keep it up. I'm going to pretend that this is The Flash as written by Joshua Williamson! Just like I was pretending that the Green Arrow killed was the one written by J.T. Krul and Ann Nocenti and also the one from the television show!

Convergence: Aquaman #2

I'm pretty good at the draw half of a face game!

Last issue, Deathblow arrived to blow death all over Aquaman's face. You have to admit that Deathblow is a creative name. Then you'd have to admit that you're an ignorant moron for believing that. Then you'd have to admit that Image nearly ruined comic books on every conceivable level. Then you'd have to admit that you're so young, you think I'm an asshole for saying how Image comics ruined the comic book market because you're judging Image based on the terrific shit they're currently publishing as opposed to the horrible offal they published in the nineties because 95% of comic book readers were fucking idiots who bought into the Wizard propaganda that the Image style was the greatest art to grace a comic book page in fifty years. Then I'd have to admit that while it was, in general, awful art (I don't have a problem admitting that part! It's the next part that I have to cop to), the old art standard deserved to be shit upon in many different ways.

While I can definitely see why fans of the Image style (which, of course, was developed at Marvel for a few years before becoming the basis for most of the lines at Image) continue to defend it as dynamic (especially compared to what "proper" artists were putting out on a regular basis), I don't know how that's the standard defense for somebody like Liefeld whose art hasn't improved in twenty years (if it has, it's barely perceptible). Pick up Rob's New 52 run on Deathstroke. Most of it looks like half-melted action figures standing in poses which he copied onto the page. Dynamic isn't within miles of that comic book. But then check out Jim Lee's stuff twenty years later. Even though I still don't care for all the lines he scribbles on every face and arm and chest and wall and dog and whatever, I can see twenty years of improvement in his work. I might not be a fan of his art but I'd also never say his art is bad.

I was always a proponent of independent comic books and creator owned titles without really being conscious of it for many years. Along with the DC books I read, I enjoyed Cerebus and Elfquest and Strangers in Paradise. So I was pro-Image in theory. But I never bought a single one of their comics because the art just didn't interest me. I suppose I could have given Spawn a chance back then but I didn't. Whatever they did wrong or right, they helped change the landscape in necessary ways. Of course they (with Wizard's help) created that whole bubble that almost destroyed the business. But it recovered and has limped along ever since. And Image? They currently publish the best titles on a monthly basis. If the big two really want to see money pour in, they need to figure out a way to make creator owned heroes as lucrative for artists as they can be for the company. Writers and artists for the Big Two are always going to keep their best ideas off the company table until they get a healthy piece of the pie. Who's going to give DC and Marvel rights to their favorite ideas when Image is just a phone call and no editorial interference away?!

Anyway, currently STAR Labs is trying to defend against Deathblow! They don't know it's Deathblow coming for them yet or else they'd all be snickering at his name.

Atlantis has a sewage system?! I thought Atlanteans just wandered around trailing big long stringy poops behind them.

I really wish I owned most of those comics from Image's early days now. Mostly so I could do commentaries on them. I'm certain they're all horrible. Doom Bunny has read parts of WildCATS #1 to me! So bad! Also, Doom Bunny owns WildCATS #1! Ha ha! He fell for the hype!

Aquaman leads the STAR Labs technicians and scientists into battle against Deathblow because Aquaman doesn't care about saving people. He could have told them all to hide under their desks but instead he gave them guns and told them to follow him into battle. To be fair, Aquaman didn't know the guy they were facing was a 90s Image character named Deathblow. He couldn't know he'd just crossed the boundary between DC Comics and Wildstorm where the death toll increases exponentially.

Deathblow can't stop with the fish jokes and the shooting bullets. He's annoying! I mean, if his fish jokes were decent, I would probably root for him. But he just says things like "fish sticks!" and "chum!" and "big fish!" and "small fry!" And he does most of it in his Narration Boxes which is a complete waste. Is he just entertaining himself? Hmm, you know what? I can respect that. That's pretty much all I'm doing here on this blog.

Finally Aquaman faces an opponent with a less creative super power than his own!

I bet Aquaman feeds him to piranhas! Would Jim Lee give the go ahead to kill Deathblow forever? I mean, he won't be forever dead, right? He'll reform after the piranha swim around for awhile trailing big long stringy Deathblow poops!

Aquaman seals himself in the lower level with Deathblow. I bet it's a big fish tank and Dane the Sea Devil will know exactly what to do! Flood it with piranha!

Aquaman does that thing where the hero fires a weapon at the bad guy (in this case, his hook) which misses the bad guy and the bad guy is all, "You suck!" But then the hero is all, "I hit exactly what I was aiming at!" And the bad guy is all, "I've never seen that move before ever!"

Aquaman punctures a coolant pipe and rolls around in the leaking water to get extra strong. Deathblow decides he should probably run away to find a secret weapon he secretly knows about.

Why would the DEO have a file on a Sea Devil?! Did the file simply read, "You can only tell them apart by their hair color. And sometimes the color goes wonky in the book and then you can't tell any of them apart at all."

Deathblow breaks into the computer system and activates an Aquaman Failsafe called Drydock. It shuts down all water systems and cranks up the heat. Aquaman is all, "Fuck you, Sea Devil!" And Sea Devil is all, "No! You!" And Deathblow is all, "Let's blow some death in here!"

I don't know. I've kind of lost interest in this comic book.

Deathblow begins counting his chickens because the eggs are everywhere. But Sea Devil is all, "Arthur! Deathblow is full of blood and blood is practically water!" And Deathblow is all, "What is he blabbing about?" And Arthur is all, "I'm going to die!" And Sea Devil is all, "Stab him in the throat and drench yourself in his blood! It'll be a crimson shower!" And Deathblow is all, "Why is he talking nonsense?" And Arthur is all, "I think I might know what he's getting at if only he'd say it more clearly!" And Sea Devil is all, "I can't say it any more clearly!" And Deathblow is all, "Gibberish? Is he speaking gibberish?" But then Aquaman flails around in frustration and accidentally stabs Deathblow in the throat and life-giving blood sprays out all across Aquaman's face! He could have also been rejuvenated by piss or semen.

Apparently the STAR Labs employees are dumber than everybody else. Twenty-one minutes later and he's still trying to piece together what happened.

Even if blood wasn't the "chemical equivalent of seawater," covering himself in blood should still have worked, right? Coolant worked and that isn't the chemical equivalent of seawater. Aquaman was going to turn on the fire sprinkler and that's not the chemical equivalent of seawater. Really, all Aquaman needs is to be shot in the face by anything! I suppose if it's wet and salty, that just makes it all the better.

Aquaman isn't sure how to kill a guy who can't be killed but in the end it doesn't matter. Telos deems Aquaman the winner and San Diego, along with the old Wildstorm Universe, becomes non-existent. Deathblow slowly fades away and is gone. I guess Gen 13 is doomed whether they beat Steel or not then?!

The earthquake hits and Aquaman marches out of STAR Labs and into Convergence #7. I guess I'll be reading that in a couple of days.

Convergence: Aquaman #2 Rating: This issue scores 4 Starfish out of 10 Octopi. The art was not my cup of tea and the characters weren't a cup or a tea or even a place mat. I think Tony Bedard was phoning in his Convergence scripts because he's usually more entertaining in the dialogue department. I am glad that Deathblow still exists in The New 52 though! And that he's black. I think. Sometimes he's black, anyway!

Divergence: Doctor Fate
"Medical student Khalid 'Kent' Nassour awakens the ancient power of Nabu, transforming him into this generation's Doctor Fate!"

Does this mean I'm going to read my first Earth-2 story on whatever Earth the Twofers eventually wind up?

The comic looks like it was drawn by a comic strip artist. And the lettering is a strange, skinny font that's completely different than I'm used to! I can't believe how the comics I grew up with are being ruined by these fontists! Nobody wanted DC to change fonts! I mean, unless they began using upper and lower case letters. That would, at the very least, help me determine if Batman is calling Dick by name or calling Dick a name.

The issue begins with a scene that feels like they're trying to emulate some of that Ms. Marvel magic! And not simply because they're Muslim! Although part of it is because they're Muslim. Although they're Egyptian, so I really didn't know when I read this scene if they were Muslim or not. They could just as easily have been Christian. Later though, Pops says, "Allah be praised." That kind of gave it away.

Their cat is named Puck! Get it?! They must like hockey!

Apparently this Khalid has nothing to do with Earth-2 Khalid. I guess it's part of DC loosening the continuity belt buckle. This one is kind of dating a woman named Shaya which sounds a lot like Shayera, right? Plus Khalid is kind of a dick even though I don't think he's supposed to be portrayed as a dick. But he runs into his cat in the rain soaked streets and tells it to find its own way home because he has to go accidentally find the Doctor Fate helmet. Lucky for him, the cat can talk and is Bast and can take care of herself. Unlucky for him, the cat is a god and he just ditched it in the rain. I hope it tortures him! I guess giving him the Doctor Fate helmet constitutes torture.

I don't know about this comic. It's going to be a bit hard to read each month when it looks like I'm reading some Comic Strip Treasury.

Deathstroke #21

Hey DC! We already had Deathstroke #1! This is Issue #21!

I suppose this could be New 52 Deathstroke #1 Volume 2, or New 52 Deathstroke #21 Volume 1, or New 52 Teen Titans 23.2. I've been completely ignoring which series the Villains have been usurping because it hasn't always made sense. Plus I just don't want to put extra periods in the names of my jpg files. You never know what's going to screw up some internet code somewhere down the line! I just try to avoid all punctuation in my file names. I'm going to refer to this issue as Deathstroke #21 even though nobody else will notice after this paragraph in which I had to point it out for no fucking reason at all.

The issue begins with Deathstroke interrupting a group of mercenaries (or soldiers (or Wildstorm goons (or Image jerks (or 90s comic book bad asses)))) as they stand in a line on a roof in a basement for tactical advantageousness.

From right to left, they are: DEATHBLOW!, SPLINTERCELL KILLMURDER!, ASSASSIN'S CREED DEATHMACHINE!, BLOODMUSTACHE (with 80s cellphone accessory)!, MODEL OF GENOCIDE!, BLOODCOAT!, KILLER ENNUI!, and GOGGLES McDEATHHURT!

How ridiculous must both of these guys feel to be calling each other by a "death" name? You can tell Deathblow is more embarrassed by how stupid their names sound when heard one after the other than he is upset that Deathstroke is about to take his job from him. My other favorite moment from this opening page is that one of the writers names is Dooma! Perfect!

I think Anonymous would want me to make a penis joke here even though most penises don't spring directly from the kidney.

Deathstroke: "Come on, Deathblow. You were in fucking Grifter. We both know how this encounter is going to end."
Deathblow: "If you hadn't noticed, Deathstroke, I have seven ridiculously named compatriots to help put you down."
Deathstroke: "I'm not going down. You are going down."
Deathblow: "Really? We're really talking about making each other go down?"
Deathstroke: "Look who's talking, DeathBLOW!"
Deathblow: "As if "stroke" after Death is any better! Where'd we get our names? 'Shittiest Innuendos Я Us'?"
Deathjob: "Ha ha. You were in Grifter."
Deaththroat: "SHUT UP! I'LL FREAKIN' KILL YOU!"

After Deathstroke knocks down Deathblow and his Death Cronies, Slade hops in the elevator and a page of confusing shit takes place. Being that I'm not as dumb as my fourth grade teacher testified to, I know that Deathstroke and Deathblow end up fighting in an elevator shaft. But the whole scene is poorly plotted and drawn since Deathstroke begins in an elevator shaft barely as big as his body which then widens to allow Deathblow to throw a flying kick at him. Also (and I just had this thought), wasn't Deathblow black in Grifter? Now I need to go back and check!

Yep. He definitely was. Maybe this building just has really strange lighting.

Anyway, Deathstork Deathstroke makes it to the roof of the apparently only building in which the target can be sniped from. I'm not sure why Deathblow needed seven other people to come along with him to watch him snipe the target. Those sniper rifles can be pretty big. Perhaps Deathblow needed the extra teammates to carry all the pieces while Deathstroke managed to fit all the pieces of the gun in one parcel on his back.

That is a big fucking gun though. Don't feel bad, Deathblow. I'd probably need a few extra people to help carry it as well.

Unless Deathblow and his buddies have been paid to keep Deathstroke from killing the target! That might be why Deathblow was a little bit pissed when he realized he'd have to defend against Deathstroke. I guess with a name like "Deathblow," my first reaction isn't that he's going to be some guy's bodyguard.

While Deathstroke's bullet is traveling through the air, Slade has enough time to think about his first mission with Deathblow before they were super-heroes. He remembers delivering an Atari Jaguar to a children's hospital during a battle only to find out that the Atari Jaguar was a bomb. The children were heartbroken although if he'd have delivered Aliens vs Predator at the same time, they probably would have forgotten all about the war as they battled each other endlessly. Instead, Slade quit the Army vowing never again to cause children pain. Or maybe he just didn't like taking orders.

After that memory, while the bullet is still flying because Slade uses 90% of his brainpower and can think almost as fast as a regular person, Deathstroke thinks about his son Grant being born. Slade begins to remember how he needs to forget what Liefeld did to him and begin to remember some new stuff that makes more sense.

Like how Grant was killed in North Korea at the same time Slade lost his eye.

It's not just Liefeld's stuff that's being rewritten; DC apparently didn't like what Kyle Higgins did either. Because here Slade is treating Grant as if he was the best that ever was and did everything for his son because he loved him so much. As opposed to the way Higgins wrote the relationship where Slade treated Grant like a coach constantly berating the best kid on the team for not being better than the best. Also Ravager was killed by Midnighter in a an explosion instead of being gunned down by North Korean soldiers while Slade lost his eye. Oh well. It's not like I didn't expect Deathstroke's history to completely change seeing as how DC gave the character to Liefeld to sodomize as he pleased.

Slade realized that the soldiers knew where to find him because Adeline let them know so that she and Joseph could be safe. Still no sign of Rose Wilson though. She must be a clone of Deathstroke or Ravager since her history was never told in Superboy or Team 7 or Deathstork Deathstroke. Except the rest of the family recognize her back in Team 7 when they have to fight Majestic. Maybe her story will be told next while the bullet still hasn't exploded the target's head.

Except it isn't because the bullet finally hits the target and blows off his arm. Close enough. Immediately after, Slade stands up and a man in a suit hands him a briefcase. Really? The guy was just hanging out on the roof waiting to pay the killer? The man escapes by helicopter just as Deathstroke has to fight Deathblow and the Murdernauts once again.

"Noooooo! Why am I fucking white?! I'll be baaaaaaaaaaaa--!"

And finally, after two years of mostly shitty Deathstroke comic books, DC decides to introduce a little bit of Rose Wilson back story.

Although there's still a lot to be told. Like who is the mother? And how does Rose share so many memories with Joseph and Grant if she was raised separately and was so much younger? I suppose that's not really much of a question since this issue was simply to show that Deathstroke is getting a Rebooted Reboot.

Deathstork Deathstroke #21 Rating: I get that Deathstroke's history needed some serious straightening out. But if DC's go-to method is going to be rebooting a character every time they realize editorial didn't think things through enough while a writer was putting some stories together, they're just going to fuck up the whole reason for a Reboot. Yeah, yeah. The Reboot is all about money and getting more people to throw money at their products. Which is also why they Reboot a character that has received shitty treatment since the Big Reboot. Not enough people were paying to read Deathstroke, so DC kept changing the character until nothing made any sense. Although, really, it was just allowing Liefeld to write whatever the fuck he decided to write that really made no sense. When a writer comes onto a series and gives the title character's motivation as something that directly contradicts that character's motivation as seen in the previous issue, you've got a shitty writer that just doesn't fucking care about the characters and his fans. And you've got asshole editors that allow that kind of thing which seems a bit disrespectful of the previous writer (you know, Higgins).

Anyway. I didn't hate this issue or anything. It's just I feel the need to rank it really, really poorly because it's simply here to clean up a character that DC has handled poorly from the beginning. I'm also not a fan of just changing everything about a character with not even an attempt at an explanation. At least Twat Lobo makes sense in the grand scheme of the Reboot. It makes even more sense if Lobo still has his power where he can generate clones of himself from (while maybe not a single drop of blood since that could get too crazy) hemorrhoids or burned off genital warts. And maybe Lobo doesn't realize he has that power, so now Twat Lobo and Magenta Lobo and maybe other Lobos will start crawling out of the Universal Woodwork!

Grifter #12

I would like to see Liefeld's pencils just to see how much work Liefeld puts into his covers and how much work is done by the inker.

Last issue was silly and ridiculous. And not in the good way that I wish more of the New 52 comics would be silly and ridiculous. The issue took its plot far too seriously while Grifter flirted with Deathblow and then was betrayed by Niko. You can really tell Liefeld isn't planning this comic more than one page ahead at any one time. I'm sure as he was plotting page fifteen of last issue, he suddenly thought, "Hey! That would be a pretty major twist if Niko was the mole Grifter suspected was in the group!" It doesn't matter if it doesn't make any sense and all of her actions before she shoots Grifter are totally out of character for a mole. Perhaps she'll explain in this issue why she couldn't help take Grifter out when he was being attacked by Daemonites the four or five times since she began running around with him.

Before I begin to read the comic, let me just point out how Frank Tieri's name was left off of the cover. He's doing the dialogue so I'd expect his name to be pretty high up there in the credits.
This issue opens with the Daemonites beating the shit out of Grifter. They also insult him as they throw him into his cell, saying he was supposed to be the savior but he's really just nothing.

Is that what THEY say? Or is that simply what Cool Hand Luke said? That may have been my mom's favorite movie. Or maybe she just loved everything Robert Redford Paul Newman was in.

Outside of Grifter's cell, Helspont holds a meeting with Synge and Niko. Apparently the Daemonites are about to invade Earth and take-over. Possibly because Grifter is now out of the way? Helspont speaks as if it was somehow his doing that the Daemonite invasion was now possible. But then Helspont plans on destroying the Daemonites afterward and taking over himself. But then he makes a critical Super Villain blunder!

You have prophecies warning you about this guy! He's called the Chosen One. He spells your doom! Just fucking eject him into space. Gas him! Leave him in the cell to starve. But you do not want to meet him!

Grifter and Deathblow get brought before Helspont. Grifter finds the whole thing amusing because he's been playing the long con the whole time! He knew Niko was the mole because she has a tell! Every time he mentioned the mole she would look down. That's how he knew she was the mole! I'm pretty sure it just means she probably has an irrational fear of voles. So when someone says, "Mole!", she's going to look down around her feet because I think mole's don't have wings.

Since Grifter knew she was the mole, he got himself caught by her on purpose. Because he knew when she shot him she wasn't going to shoot to kill, right? He also knew that once he was captured, they wouldn't just execute him or throw him into space, right? Right! Because Super Villains are a predictable, stupid, probably superstitious lot! He knew whoever was in charge was going to want to gloat right in his face!

I bet Joss Whedon wishes he could earn royalties every time some hack uses the term "big bad."

Grifter way too easily throws Synge out of the way and defeats Helspont. Deathblow rigs Helspont's ship to blow up and they skeedaddle in an escape pod just as a giant explosion rocks the ship. But even though Grifter can read everyone like a book and was "playing them like violins," he apparently isn't as good as he thought.

Is everyone going to constantly be one step ahead of everyone else in this comic book? Next issue, will letting Helspont think Grifter didn't know it was a ruse part of the plan? And will Grfiter knowing that Helspont knew that Grifter would know that Helsont's ruse was a ruse be part of Helspont's plan? Or will that be part of Grifter's plan? Can Liefeld just simply not decide on which character he wants to be the smartest?

Grifter #12 Rating: No change. I'm really sick and tired of plans. Everybody in the New 52 has a really complicated plan! And most everybody has a plan that involves failing so they can say, "That was just part of my plan!" and not look stupid when they've had their faces bashed in. Maybe I'm just starting to appreciate Justice League International since they never had any plans ever! I just wish more plots developed organically rather than so many poorly contrived contrivances!

Grifter #11

"The Hipsters don’t know what to do when I draw feet. It confuses them." -- Rob Liefeld

I've always thought Liefeld's inability to draw feet was the least of his problems. He usually does draw some weird, tiny, pointy things but mostly I always felt he just tried to hide them because it was easier. I also didn't realize that one of the definitions of Hipster was "making fun of Liefeld's inability to draw feet." Rob, if I may take on the mantle of Hipster for a second since I do live in Portland and the only beer in my fridge is Hamms, let me point out the things the Hipsters can make fun of when you actually do draw feet.

1. Pouches. Lots and lots of pouches. Oh, but look here! You've toned down the amount and made them smaller! I'm not sure what to do?!
2. Wrist guards. Everybody owns a pair. Even characters that never wore them before in their lives like Lobo. Although if you had the ability to draw a chain and a hook, you could have hidden one of Lobo's wrists in a canonical way! Oh, and if you point out you drew a wrist, I'll point out that the hand on the end of any wrist you draw will have pointy fingers and a misshapen hand.
3. The potatoes skewered on Niko's swords. Was she in the kitchen preparing a meal when Synge attacked? And look at the way the blade in her left hand is off-center.
4. Faces that rarely have two eyes. Liefeld creates a character? You can bet he'll have a mask or an eyepatch or one laser eye or one smoking eye or one cyborg eye. And when you do draw two eyes like on Niko here, one always kind of wanders away from symmetry.
5. Guns. Your guns are always squared off and rectangular. Oh! Except here you've made one somewhat round! Good for you!
6. The awkward way everybody holds their weapons. There's always something so unnatural about your angles and handholds. I'm never surprised when you add a guard to the hilt of a blade to hide the way the hand holds the weapon. Look at Grifter's sword hand. It's as if you drew a template to guide you on perspective but then just used that perspective for the hand and dagger and said "Fuck all" to how it relates to the arm and the rest of the cover.

Some of these things I normally wouldn't complain about. You've actually done a far better job on the things I complain about here on this cover than other recent work you've done (interior of Deathstroke #11!). Also, I really don't mind your feet. They're the least of your worries, buddy.
On with the comic!

So, remember how at the end of the last issue, Synge broke through the wall and exploded the room and knocked out everyone?

Okay, maybe Grifter is a little bit conscious!

As I open this issue, I get the feeling that never actually happened.

You realize, Liefeld and company, if these issues are collected in a trade, that transition is going to be glaringly awful.

Look at Synge in the panel above. Is that a goofy overbite or merely his bottom teeth? I, of course, would like to believe it's an overbite.

"Hey, guyph! I'm Phynge! You phuckerph are fucked! And by phuckerph I mean phuckerphs. As in phomeone who phuckphs phomophing. Like a lollipop!"

By the way, the name of this issue is, "Forgive us our Synge." No, no, don't groan. It's not even worth that.

I just looked at Liefeld's Twitter feed because I was considering following him. And I did for a few seconds before I realized he's just going to spoil any comic he's writing by posting pictures featuring teaser art from upcoming story lines. In one of his more current Tweets he says, "I consume mature entertainment...HBO, Starz, Showtime, basically indie tv. Need to pour that into mature comics". I think by pour he means plagiarize but Twitter has that pesky character limit so he had to find a short synonym.

Grifter is a pretty awful comic (and I say pretty too often!) and it was before Liefeld ever put his golden touch on it. It really makes me want to talk about so many other things besides the story within its pages. It definitely makes me think about the way artists and writers put a comic book together. Take Page Four of Grifter #11 here:

I'm going to ignore the amazing dialogue for now.

The first panel shows Grifter dropping from the ceiling while shooting at Synge and telling jokes. Well, he tells one joke. But then he gets fucking serious, dudes. Straight up. I'm only guessing that Grifter climbed the wall and got in the rafters so he could drop down on Synge. The other option is that Grifter just did a flip about six feet over Synge's eight foot tall frame. Or maybe he's using is Telekinesis to float himself over Synge. That's actually a good explanation but I don't want to be accused of defending this comic at any cost! And I shouldn't be helping fanboys defend this shit either! Anyway, that's the least of my visual problems with this page.

The second panel shows Deathblow knocked to the ground while firing on Synge at point blank range. Which leads directly to the third panel where everything is completely different! Now Deathblow is standing behind Grifter and luckily not blowing Grifter's brains out.

Then the third and fourth panels which are the worst offenders. Grifter and Deathblow are knocked about the room in panel three. Deathblow has lost is footing and I submit there is not way to not end up on his ass from that position in panel three. And Grifter is obviously not flying in an arc that would lead to panel four. I get it, Marat Mychaels. Who wants to be bogged down by realistic physics and motion in a comic book fight? Fuck good storyboarding. That shit is bananas.

On second thought, I'm not going to bother talking about the dialogue. You can read. I think.

At some point during the battle, they end up outside of the cabin. It's hard to pinpoint exactly when this happens since Marat Mychaels avoids drawing backgrounds whenever he can. Instead he just likes to smear color around to imply nothing. I think they end up outside in panel four of that last page I scanned. See how the background becomes bluish? Although if they're outside there, then they're outside here in this panel as well:

Maybe the brown background represents the broken cabin.

It's soon established that the reason Grifter and Deathblow cannot harm Synge is their bullets cannot penetrate his energy field. Grifter also tries throwing rocks and trees and snow at him using his telekinetic powers.

As you can see, part of Liefeld's mature and indie tv watching experience involves lots and lots of Return of the Jedi.

That leads to Niko ghost riding a motorcycle with a leaking gas tank into Synge to blow him up. Of course it doesn't work because of that energy field. And I'm sorely tempted to scan in the three different panels showing the trajectory of the bike because it flies more like a metal boomerang flying about an industrial strength magnet. I don't mind comic books about super heroes being unrealistic. But I would like some care and attention paid to the layout of the comic book so it doesn't look like a motorcycle coming in at one angle doesn't somehow flip both vertically and horizontally as it's coming down from a jump and then mysteriously spin about yet again to nail Synge in the chest head-on before it explodes.

Perhaps if the dialogue were blowing me away, I wouldn't notice the apathy which fills Marat's artwork.

And I don't mean to get too picky, but what the fuck happeend to Buck, the black guy? Did they go through all the trouble of rescuing from the burning wreck last issue to forget about him this issue? Did he run off with the mysteriously missing Batman of Justice League International #11? Is this a new trend in creator apathy? "Which characters were in last issue?" "How the fuck should I know? You actually want me to peel the tape off the baggie and remove the comic from its protective sleeve to check? Fuck that. I'm pretty sure it was just Grifter, Deathblow, and Niko."

A hell of a lot sooner! A couple thousand years trying to conquer Earth isn't so bad, right?

No matter how hard DC tries to do their "world building" experiment where they make sure every reader, no matter how many titles that person reads, feels like each comic is taking place in the same universe as every other comic, the previous panel shows why it ultimately fails. Cole Cash is not the best this world has to offer. Stormwatch is the real threat to the Daemonites. Just like how Justice League International kept insisting that the world needed them when it obviously didn't, words like this don't ring true when you know Superman and Stormwatch and the Green Lantern Corps can step in at any time and help defeat this guy. I'm not sure what's supposed to make Grifter such a bad-ass. Except that ability where he can fire a dozen guns at once! Look out!

Grifter ends up burying Synge beneath a pile of mountains and forests to put an end to the battle. But even that doesn't end up working because Synge has that energy field that protected him from being touched by anything. So he ends up coming back after the big super surprise reveal that their is a mole in their ranks!

Cunt? Bitch? Skeez? Skoont? Dumpleshiv? Pringlestork? Belly Tambourine?

Niko shoots Grifter and Deathblow and puts them down. Maybe she was using tranquilizer bullets. Synge comes back and they cart the two captives off to Helspont's hideaway. Which could be anywhere at this point.

"Oooh. Getting shot in the chest sure gives me a pounding headache."

And still no sign of Buck. I guess he was just left to die out in the cold. Or maybe he died when Synge broke into the house like the Kool Aid Man. Or he was burnt to death when Niko exploded the motorcycle. Whatever the case, he has no part to play in the prophecy of the Chosen One who will destroy Helspont.

Grifter #11 Rating: -1 Ranking. The dialogue was cheesy. The story boarding incomprehensible. The art was bad and, at times, awful. And the story was anything but "mature." I feel bad for any Grifter fans who have to be put through this bullshit. I feel even worse for the fans who defend this tripe because they just can't let accept Grifter in a shitty comic.

P.S. I'm giving Grifter another -1 to the rankings for discarding the character Buck without mention. How many more disappearing characters are you going to give us, DC?