Scooby Apocalypse #9

They're either looking at Scooby's latest shit or Scrappy Doo.

In this issue, Velma decides to ditch the rest of the Scooby Gang because she's feeling guilty for her part in ruining the world. She can't face them so she just leaves the computer open to her report to The Four on The Elysium Project. That's the project that probably ruined the world although, I'm sure, it'll turn out that The Four modified Velma's nanites so she doesn't have to live with the responsibility. Aside from that, nothing much happened. The characters in this comic book have a habit of repeating the same conversations over and over again. I don't think it's their fault. It's Keith and J.M.'s fault! They love to write the same jokes over and over again and since most of the conversations they write are "jokey," things tend to get repeated over and over again. So Daphne and Velma are still bickering but then pointing out that they're getting closer while punctuating that statement with more bickering and mistrust. Fred is still useless. Shaggy is always hungry and usually talking about bodily functions. And Scooby Doo says "Ruh-uh!" and "Ruh-huh!" a lot. No monsters appeared in this one.

No wait! There was one monster: Scrappy Doo! But he was in the back-up story and not the main story. In this issue, he murders a starving puppy. Sure, it's more like the murder of Lenny in Of Mice and Men than the murder of Tommy Devito in Goodfellas. So while Scrappy Doo moans about how he's become a monster, this terrible act of compassion seemingly proves otherwise. Except that he still killed a fucking puppy. What kind of Puppy Power is that? What a piece of shit.

What Did We Learn?
Post-apocalyptic stories can get pretty boring when there isn't any sex. It's just monster killing and foraging for food! These are four young people in a desperately scary situation, spending every single minute with each other. They've got to release the stress and tension in some fashion. And since nobody is hooking up, I suspect there's probably been a lot of sneaking away to masturbate.

The Ranking!
No change!

Scooby Apocalypse #8

Now that's a thigh gap! Ooh la la!

I see "Wagner" there on the cover and now the only thing I'm thinking is, "I fucking hope Matt Wagner is writing the Scrappy Doo back-up story!"

It's not. It's some jerko named Ron Wagner who probably changed his name to sell a few more comic books to overly excited Matt Wagner fans who pick up every Wagner book, just in case.

Last issue, Scooby Doo had run off, leading a bunch of monsters down a hallway lined with doors while some wanna-be Monkees music played. The rest of the gang drove off to the hospital, leaving him behind. This is the first page of this issue:

I guess somebody realized Scooby's name was in the title so maybe it wasn't such a good idea to have him run off.

Scooby Doo found his way back to the Gang because he's loaded down with Smart Dog technology and also he can smell Velma's ass from like five miles away. Lucky dog.

This episode begins with the formulaic bit where Scooby and Shaggy go off on their own to shit themselves. Also, they're looking for medical supplies. I imagine they'll also find the ingredients to make a five foot tall sandwich. And Scooby will say, "Roh boy!" And Shaggy will prepare to eat it and then look away and Scooby will eat it one bite and go, "Reee reee reee reee!" I think that's the way he laughs.

Daphne joins up with Shaggy and Scooby because this comic book doesn't know how the cartoon works. I guess it's okay this time because Fred is unconscious and Daphne usually fucks Fred while everybody else is busy investigating the haunted circus tent. Also it's okay because Daphne is a cold stone killer. She's also probably a lesbian since she keeps rebuffing Fred's advances. Also because this is a modern take on an old cartoon. You can't have everybody in the group be white and heterosexual! This is 2017! And Velma being the lesbian is too obvious. Also Fred being gay is too obvious. I mean, an ascot? What is that? Seriously. What is an ascot?

While Fred and Velma disappear into the Mystery Machine to do mysterious things like rest and celebrate life the only way they know how in the face of terrifying oblivion, Scooby, Shaggy, and Daphne explore the hospital looking for survivors.

This comic book is nothing like the cartoon! This should be a kitchen full of stuff to make sandwiches and also olives and toothpicks! I guess there is a ham hock on the floor.

Shaggy, Scooby, and Daphne discover a monstrous doctor torturing a human being unaffected by the nanites. I don't think the human being is famous so he'll probably die. The Scooby Gang only allows famous people to pal around with them in the Mystery Machine.

I suppose that might be Matt Leblanc. Maybe he could join up and drive the Mystery Machine! As long as he keeps from doing donuts around war memorials.

Daphne shoots off the demon doctor's arm but that doesn't help save the patient because the bed eats him. It's death bed! The bed that eats people! Actually, it's Death Hospital, the Hospital That Eats People. Because the entire hospital begins transforming with Scooby, Shaggy, and Dapne inside. For some reason, Fred and Velma don't drive away to live a life of bliss as the last man and woman on Earth. Instead they wait for the others like I probably wouldn't do. Especially since Velma isn't one of the ones in trouble.

Surprisingly, everybody survives the Death Hospital and they drive off on another adventure. Hopefully a sexy adventure that will force me to look up the meaning of the phrase "double penetration".

What Did We Learn?
Hospitals are the worst places in the world. Why don't hospital dramas ever portray hospitals as they really are? This Scooby Doo comic book came closer than shows like Grey's Anatomy or Chicago Hope or Doctors Fucking Like Rabbits. They're grisly and terrifying and the doctors are all a lot more monstrous than they look. The doctor in this comic book looked monstrous but that just meant he was even worse than real doctors like House or Trapper John. Hospitals would go a long way in not being creepy death vaults by changing up the architecture and minimalist hospital style they all like to stick to. Nobody wants to walk down an echoey hallway with stark florescent lighting and fuzzy beige walls because we all know that a madman lurks around the corner at the approaching T-intersection. If you never want to be completely sane again, get a file cabinet and a hand-truck and go to a nearby hospital. Tell them you're there to deliver it to whatever part of the hospital is located in the basement. Then go down there alone and walk those fucking empty halls until you shit yourself. Fucking hospitals are the worst.

The Ranking!
No change.

Convergence: World's Finest #2

"To save the world, Scribbly Jibbet, you must man this "Victory" hole for 24 hours! God speed, brave hero!"

I wish more people reading my blog would ask me questions the way they ask other celebrities questions (shut up! My mother says I'll always be a celebrity to her!). Why isn't my Inbox full of questions like, "I think this thing very strongly (which is the completely right way to think which is why I thunked it up) and was wondering if I'm right to believe this thing because nobody knows right and wrong better than a celebrity!" Or "I want to do a thing very badly and need a celebrity to tell me it's okay to do this thing so here are all the reasons why you should probably agree with me and I loved that thing you did that time before you became washed up!" Or "You made a joke about a thing that was very funny and now I'm sending you this joke that is basically your joke again but I'm repeating it back to you which is so funny because I totally get the joke and I'm probably making it funnier unlike the other five thousand people who probably sent this same exact message to your Inbox because average people are so totally hilarious and not famous like you but they could be if only people noticed them." Or "I love you so much that I want to sex you in the baddest way possible all the time! And for free even!" Or "I would like to give you a lot of money so give me your bank account number and I will deposit loads of money into it and I promise this is not a scam at all."

Boy! I can't wait to be a big celebrity! I wish more people acted the way Raegan and Lexie and Sarah acted when I followed them on Twitter! Why can't more people be as enthusiastic as junior high school girls?! The world would be so much more fun! I wish I had more than three fans! Poo!

I'm going to contact my agent and tell him to get me published already! I'm tired of him lollygagging on penises instead of sending my fantastic Great American Novels to publishers! I'll never hire an agent from an ad in a comic book ever again!

Speaking of segues, here is a comic book I am reading: Convergence: World's Finest starring Scribbly Jibbet, Sir Justin (the nick of time! Har!), and Victory the Winged Horse! They all went on an adventure together. I think Scribbly was allowed to accompany the heroic knight because he's kind of like a bard except more lame seeing that he's an editorial cartoonist. Even the people who wipe down porn actors between takes have a more respectable job. That actually sounds like a good job! You get to grope women and get paid to do it! You also have to grope men half the time as well (or more than half depending on the film!) but it would totally be worth it. I wonder how you get into the business of jizz mopping?

The action begins with a Weaponer of Qward attacking The Shining Knight and Scribbly Jibbet. Mostly he's attacking The Shining Knight while Scribbly Jibbet pees his pants.

Journalists are such selfish narcissists! "I'm going to became famous by publishing a story about observing the same thing everybody else can observe! Only I can put things into a profound perspective that nobody else can! I will be a celebrity! People will send me messages! I will have sex for the first time!"

Sir Justin ditches Scribbly because Sir Justin is trying to save the world while Scribbly is just trying to write an article to win a Pulitzer. Among journalists, the Pulitzer is referred to as "The Panty Dropper." Maybe only among male journalists. And lesbian journalists. And not gay male journalists. How many more exceptions do I have to mention before I can be assured that nobody will accuse me of erasing somebody?!

Meanwhile, Vigilante drives into a Qwardian Dance Off.

And I'm fairly certain Crimson Avenger engages in a hate crime.

I wonder if Crimson Avenger finds it annoying that Vigilante never gets off his stupid motorcycle. Is he jealous that the other two soldiers still standing aren't actually standing? How come he doesn't get a vehicle? Or pants?

I guess Sir Justin doesn't have pants either. But he gets to wear a skirt so only pervs on the subway get to look at his underwear.

Telos transports The Shining Knight and the Weaponer of Qward to an old fashioned medieval arena. I guess Telos wants to give Sir Justin the advantage! He's playing favorites! I guess I would be too. If Qward wins, that means the most boring place in this whole competition will get to win! After 30th Century Metropolis, I mean!

He's not deserting you! He's just going to write down his brilliant idea for a new editorial cartoon! And by brilliant I mean the exact opposite of brilliant with a load of boring thrown in! Scribbly is the worst!

I don't know if Sir Justin is winning his fight because the action keeps following Vigilante, Crimson Avenger, and the Qwardian Dance Parties.

Vigilante and Crimson Avenger just dropped some ecstasy and are ready to groove.

Scribbly Jibbet has left Metropolis to hunt down Sir Justin. As he climbs a cliff to get to the battlefield, he thinks about the best times of his life: drawing cartoons; kissing one girl; creepily watching children in the park; talking with babies. Wow. I thought my life was boring! At least I got to excitedly use semi-colons incorrectly! Oh! And have sex with loads and loads of hot women who all practically begged for more!

Scribbly Jibbet arrives just in time to see Victory save Sir Justin's life! By raping the Weaponer of Qward!

Neigh means neigh!

The Weaponer stabs Victory and I can't say Victory didn't deserve it because that whole ass-rape thing was totally uncool. There's fighting fair and there's fighting dirty and then there's raping the person you're fighting. One of those things is totally wrong! The last one. Also, the second one might not be too cool either, depending on the situation. Like if you're a greaser and you're getting your ass kicked, it's probably okay to pull a switchblade and stab the guy. But if you're a boxer and you're losing, you probably can't just kick your opponent in the crotch.

Before Scribbly can sacrifice himself to save the day, the Qwardians Dance Party breaks up and the Qwardians begin looting the city. First they raid the Farmer's Market and eat up all the vegetables. Then they go have aperitifs down at Le French Place. But before they can really dig into a fancy meal, a cop shows up and begins punching them in the face. He doesn't even read them their rights! Metropolis cops are as dirty as Gotham cops! And all the other cops in fictional and non-fictional cities in the United States!

Here's a way to tell if your friend on Facebook is racist! Do they post a message about supporting police whenever police get caught on camera for acting like violent monsters? Hmm, I thought I was going to be saying something insightful there but it just came out as painfully obvious!

They're really flying high on that X! And yet Crimson Avenger still wants more!

Up on Battle Mountain, Scribbly saves Sir Justin's life without having to sacrifice his own. I guess he's going to live to draw bad cartoons after all! With the help, Sir Justin beats the Weaponer of Qward. But when Sir Justin shows mercy, Telos arrives to end the competition without a winner. Telos sends them back to their cities to await whatever oblivion shall befall them. Metropolis had better hope that the earthquake hits before they become nonexistent! I don't want a DC Universe without Scribbly Jibbet!

On second though, let him go!

Convergence: World's Finest #2 Rating: Five Crying Eagles out of Ten. I wish this issue had concentrated more on the Qwardian Dance Parties and Vigilante making out with Crimson Avenger in the Chill Room.

Divergence: We Are Robin!
"Spinning out of the pages of BATMAN...a new Robin? No, HUNDREDS of new Robins!"

Do we really need that many Robins? Aren't we good with the half dozen we already have? Although with this many Robins, DC Comics can enjoy their favorite pastime every month and never run out of Robins! Although they might run out of available plots down at Gotham Cemetery.

The story is about a bunch of DCYouths who chat on their phones and fight crime and rebel against authority and give it to the man and show adults how life as a teenager is so hard, you can't even!

I'll probably enjoy it!

Convergence: Green Lantern Loves Parallax #2

This looks like my high school friend I've mentioned multiple times, Soy Rakelson.

All of the Pre-Zero Hour characters from Metropolis have been losing so far this week. But Green Lantern is up against Princess Fern and the people of Electropolis. The only way he's going to lose is if he finds another girlfriend in the freezer and breaks down from guilt. Maybe that's the key to defeating Princess Fern! Kyle can start dating her and then page Major Force to let him know he's cleared some space in the fridge.

The other way that Kyle can win this fight is if Hal Jordan distracts Princess Fern by destroying her city while she's away.

The first twenty pages probably don't even matter. Kyle, like everybody else in Pre-Zero Hour Metropolis, will surrender for the greater good. Then Parallax will freak out and begin destroying any city he can find. Maybe he'll find a version of Coast City so he can relive that triumphant moment.

Or he can come up with a stupid plan like this one.

The Prime Minister contacts Princess Fern and tells her to destroy Metropolis while its hero is distracted killing them. I knew it was a stupid plan! I wasn't just saying it was a stupid plan out of bitterness and spite that he came up with a logical plan that could actually work. Nope! I knew it would fail because it was so obviously stupid. Kyle Rayner is dumb.

Kyle figures his best bet is to try that thing where he tells Parallax that he knows Hal is in there and that, deep down, he still loves Kyle. But Parallax takes some time believing in himself because the comic book can't just be six pages long. Eventually Hal is hit with enough lightning bolts to provide him with electro-shock therapy. His mind is clearer and there's no long term damage at all! Probably!

Hal talks to Kyle instead of fighting him but ultimately comes to the realization (like everybody reading this comic book) that Kyle Rayner comes up with stupid plans and can't be trusted with the responsibility of defeating Telos. So Hal sends him back to Metropolis where he can, maybe at least, win the battle against Princess Fern.

Princess Fern doesn't know what a weasel is.

Princess Fern will never find out what a weasel is. For the first time in Multiversal Thunderdome, a city has been defeated! Parallax destroys Electropolis while Kyle is trying to stop Fern from destroying Metropolis. Telos makes an announcement that Electropolis has lost. Immediately afterward, Princess Fern and her entourage wink out of existence. That's too bad! Princess Fern was probably one person's favorite character! Ha ha! No, no. Just kidding! Nobody cares!

It's too bad for Princess Fern because Kyle was about to surrender. It's especially too bad for Princess Fern because the earthquake that means Telos is done with the game hits only moments after she's erased from all time.

Convergence: Green Lantern Loves Parallax #2 Rating: This issue rates Five Cold Ethyls out of Ten! That means I found no reasons to dislike it but I also found no reasons to enjoy it. I'm like a real comic book reviewer now! I bet in about a week, I completely forget that I've been trying to rate the comic books with a totally arbitrary system that truly means nothing to anybody whose comic book preferences aren't exactly like mine.

Divergence: Twat Lobo
"Cosmic speakeasies, intergalactic drug dens and even exotic alien women can't distract Twat Lobo from his first love: bounty hunting!"

This is why Cullen Bunn writes boring comic books that rely way too heavily on Narration Boxes. It's because he's writing all of the titles! He's on Sinestro and Lobo and Lost Army and Moon Knight and probably more comic books that I don't want to read!

How come Real Deal Lobo wasn't lurking in Pre-Zero Hour Metropolis, hunh?! He needs to come back and eat Twat Lobo's spleen!

Lobo is currently fucking the wife of the guy he's going to kill to lure the guy to him.

That is the same thing. "The way I see it, you do A, you'll get B. But if you do C, you'll get B!"

Standing there naked while the mark's wife stands naked behind him, Lobo lops the guy's head off with a knife. Blood is everywhere. It's quite the graphic panel. So this must be rated Teen Plus, right? Fuck no! It's a guy as the main character fucking some chick and decapitating a person. What's wrong with that? You have to save the Teen Plus ratings for books like Convergence: Catwoman #2 where she keeps her clothes on the entire time while flirting with Batman and then dies from a small bullet wound to the chest with just a small amount of blood.

People talk about bullshit sexist stuff all the fucking time on the internet. But the way DC Comics uses their Teen Plus Rating? That's actually sexist (even though the ratings don't mean anything). Seriously. Check it out yourself. The main reason a DC Comics will get a Teen Plus Rating is if it has a female main character who shows interest in sex. Decapitations like in Batwing and Batman and Robin? Doesn't earn a Teen Plus. Batwoman and Catwoman enjoy fucking? Teen Plus. Fuck you, DC.

Lobo blah blah blahs up the pages with Narration Boxes and then ends the story looking at his next bounty: Sinestro. I hope they kill each other.

Convergence: The Titans #2

Dreamslayer does not normally look like a vagina on fire. He usually looks like a vagina leaking Sunny Delight.

I'm a little bit excited to find out how these Convergence two issue mini-series will end! I suppose they'll all end with either the good guys subduing the bad guys but not killing them, or they'll end with the good guys coming to an agreement to work together, both of which are against the rules of Telos's game. Since the Titans are battling The Extremists, this one will end with The Extremists thrown in meta-human jail.

Last issue ended with Roy Harper shooting his friends in the face. This issue begins with the super surprise revelation that he actually didn't aim at their faces at all. But he still did pull the trigger for some reason. It probably bought him enough time to come up with a plan where he can take out Dreamslayer himself since I don't think Donna and Kory can fight very well with their suits full of shit and piss. You know, because he almost shot them in the face! It's not like he worked the plan out with them beforehand. And Kory is surprised to still have a face.

"Tell me you have a plan that doesn't involve me smelling like roses!"

We all know what happens every time a good guy fires a gun or throws a batarang or shoots an arrow at the bad guy and doesn't hit him with the projectile, right? How many times have we read that scene? Well, Fabian Nicieza believes we need to experience that moment at least two more times. And both of them in the same scene! Those cranes that fell in the background and didn't crash into the Extremists? Dreamslayer sees them and says, "Ha ha ha! Missed me! Missed me! Now you have to tongue kiss my Sunny Delight vagina face!" And Roy is all, "I wasn't trying to hit you, twice delicious looking villain!" He then shoots an arrow into the cranes and Dreamslayer is all, "You missed again! I can't believe it! You're the worst!" And Roy Harper is all, "You must be from a dimension that has original writers if you've never seen this move before now!" He then swings by on the rope attached to the arrow stuck in the crane and grabs close enough to the real Lian Harper.

The distraction takes enough time for the other Titans that have not yet been in this comic book to appear.

I bet the cavalry is Aqualad! And he's borrowed Cyborg's fist with the sonic attachment!

It's actually just Cyborg with his own fist and his best friend and booty call, Beast Boy. Apparently Vic was in a coma for the entire year so his story would have been too boring to mention last issue. And Beast Boy was trapped as a green pigeon all year which must have sucked ass. Except for all the pigeon sex and free bread from old people.

Now that the odds are evened up quite a bit, Roy figures nobody will miss a guy that just shoots arrows. He grabs Lian, makes sure it's actually her by activating the parental denial switch, and takes her to safety in the Speedy Cave. Roy thinks he's safe from a guy who just brought Lian back from the past just before she died so he could use her simply to taunt Roy. Or Dreamslayer just made up a fake version of her (which he didn't because we all know that this has to be the real Lian Harper because the fans demanded it. At least until Peter David gets a crack at writing Roy and Lian and decides to make her into a cotton candy figment of everybody's imagination). And if Dreamslayer can do one of those things, it's simple enough for him to enter the Speedy Cave and kidnap Lian again. Now Roy has to get involved in the fight again because his excuse to sit this one out is gone.

Meanwhile at the main event...

Gar's not wrong.

Think of it this way, Gar. Justice League International defeated The Extremists. And they could hardly defeat anybody! Sure, they had some extra help from the Silver Sorceress and some guy named Blue Jay or something. But still! Justice League International beat these jerks! Now pull your monkey head out of your monkey ass, stop thinking about how much monkeys love buttsecks, and transform into something that can squash these jerks!

Ahem. Justice League International!

The Titans are getting their asses beat by the Extremists which is unsurprising and realistic. But Dreamslayer is still harping on Harper to side with the Extremists. If he does, Roy will be reunited with Lian. Dreamslayer must know that if Roy Harper fights against the Extremists, they will lose, which is surprising and unrealistic. But I guess this series is Roy's moment to shine while also taking Lian Harper out of the mini-fridge.

Roy activates his city wide turret system and shoots Kory in the belly with one of his guns. The readers all gasp in horror at Roy's betrayal! How could he turn on his team, even for his little girl's life? I can't believe he shot the one member of the team that can shrug off a blast lke that! How horrible!

Lian reappears near Dreamslayer's side but he threatens to send her back to limbo if Roy doesn't shoot all of the other Titans in the stomach as well. No chance Roy is going to use the guns against the Extremists now! So long, Cyborg! Nice knowing you, Donna! Good riddance, Beast Boy!

Wha-wha-wha-what?!

I guess Dreamslayer and I both fell for Roy Harper's gambit! I thought for sure the Titans were goners this time!

Roy sets off an EMP which causes Dreamslayer to teleport out of the Speedy Cave for scientific and totally believable reasons. Dreamslayer meets with the other Extremists who are tired of being shot by turrets and they all head off to battle the Titans somewhere free of big guns. Now the Titans just have to decide to follow them. Or can't they just declare victory now?

Donna convinces Roy to sit the rest of the fight out and hang with Lian because it's quite possible she might disappear as soon as Dreamslayer is defeated. And Roy should get to spend a little more time safe with his daughter. Then the other Titans fly off to finish the story in Convergence #6.

So that's how these mini-series are going to end?! By leaving the endings in the Convergenc series? I don't think there's enough room in the last three issues of Convergence to end forty other stories, so it's probably a fluke that this one ended that way. Although this issue isn't completely over yet!

Oh wait. Yes it is. It just has a huge sneak peek for Scott Lobdell's soon to be reviled new series, Red Hood Loves Arsenal!

Convergence: The Titans #2 Rating: Well it doesn't get a good rating because it didn't fucking end the story! I guess it kind of did since this was about Roy, and it was mostly about getting Lian Harper back. Whether or not the Titans defeat the Extremists is just incidental to the whole Convergence thing. Especially since Telos's plan is bound to be blown apart when all the heroes decide to stop fighting each other and engage in a sit-in.

I don't know if this Divergence Sneak Peek is taken from the first issue of the new series or if it's a short "Divergence" story, so I guess I'd better read the fucking thing. Just in case.

Divergence: Red Hood Loves Arsenal

It begins with this because Scott Lobdell thinks he's cute and clever. Hint and spoiler warning: he's not. Not at all!

Let me read this in thirteen year old boy and see if it's any better. Let me clear my head, give myself a boner, and start over.

Ha! "Together for the first time: Agains!" Again is always fucking funny! You can add "again" to the end of anything and it's so fucking hysterical! I fucked your mom. Again! I smoked so much fucking pot! Again! I drank until I fucking puked! Again! Ha ha! Awesome.

Wait wait wait! That was my modern day thirteen year old boy voice! If I were doing a thirteen year old boy from when I was thirteen in 1984, it would be quite different. I would have more references to Robotech or GI Joe, and I'd probably mention a few mythological beasts and super radical Dungeons and Dragons modules. I don't know what kind of thirteen year old boy Lobdell is writing to! Although his advice is to write what you know and he was thirteen in 1976, so the kids he's writing to were probably super excited about the Bicentennial.

Okay! Back to being a thirteen year old boy. It will probably be a mash-up of the three I previously described. Or it'll just be in my usual anti-Lobdell voice.

Kobra has been building cities beneath all the cities all over the globe because that's totally cool and radical and groovy and fucking fuck I can't even! Kobra has loads and loads of armies and they're going to take over the world. But guess why they're not going to take over the world?! Guess! Jason fucking Todd and Gosh Darned Speedy have infiltrated! If anybody can take down an army spread all across the globe, it's these two guys!

Jason Todd's plan is to shoot all the people in the face and save the day! Roy Harper's plan is probably to sit on the back of Kobra's huge killer robot and ride it around for fun.

Instead of riding the robot, Speedy just overheats the complex. That should kill all the servers and shit and completely crash the place and probably make all of the soldiers feel uncomfortable in their body armor so they'll have to take it all off and then they can't go to war and that will stop the plan dead in its tracks. Wah-lah!

Speedy says it melts the robot but that's just stupid because he's a genius being written by a stupid writer. You'll get that kind of reaction from Speedy quite a bit. And finally, Kobra and the members of Kobra's army with internal air conditioning attack!

Ha ha! They're so tremendously good at what they do that they don't fear death even in the face of insurmountable odds! Oh, those chuckle-heads!

Boo! Hiss! This will suck many, many bad things that people hate sucking!

Convergence: Green Lantern Loves Parallax #1

Fuck you, Zero Hour!

I've been heavily into reading comic books for thirty years. I began reading comics on a regular monthly basis right around Issue #3 or so of Crisis on Infinite Earths. Before that I had only read comic books that wound up in my hands due to my grandfather who would go to trailer parks in the area and pick up all of the papers to take to the recycling place. He also used to pick up any other recyclable materials like cans or metal. He was an environmentalist way before it was cool. Or a meth addict. Sometimes he would wind up with a shipping box or two of comic books and give them to me. I remember reading a lot of Daredevil, Hulk, and Nick Fury, Agent of SHIELD! I also began reading Elfquest in fifth or sixth grade.

I mention my history because I thought Crisis on Infinite Earths was some spectacular, once-in-a-lifetime event. If I'd known anything about the previous fifty years of DC's history, I might have noted the change from Golden Age to Silver Age but that was just a change due to the popularity of certain types of comics leading to a waning of popularity of super heroes and then, years later, their resurgence. It wasn't a conscious effort by the company to redefine their heroes' universe. So Crisis seemed pretty fucking important.

I was immediately aware of the problems which Crisis created because my cousin Jason was a big Infinity Inc. fan and boy did those characters get fucked balls deep by the event. The thing I wasn't aware of was how much DC Comics cared about fixing the fuck out of everything! For some reason, they seemed to think they could gain complete mastery over the beast they had unleashed. Zero Hour was not so much a fix as DC Comics throwing their hands up in the air and screaming, "OH MY GOD IT'S EATING MY FACE!" But before they screamed that, they really seemed to think that they could tighten every single valve whenever steam shot out of the system so that the whole thing would chug along nicely. Zero Hour proved that every fix just put added pressure on a universe ready to blow at any moment. I thought they were going to walk away from Zero Hour and just go over to Pilate's bowl of water, shove him out of the way, and scrub the fucking fuck out of their bloody, bloody hands.

But apparently they weren't done tweaking because ten years or so later, Final Crisis! See that "final" in the title there? They were convinced that, this time, they'd do it! They'd scrub the universe clean of errors and bullshit! Well, ha ha, guess what? It was still too broken for their liking. DC Comics should have learned to just ignore anybody who ever pointed out anything that didn't fit (especially their own nagging demons). But they couldn't. They just fucking couldn't. It had to be right! And so we got The New 52 which was supposed to completely and utterly fix everything by erasing all seventy years of continuity and just starting over with a bunch of Issue #1s and characters with limited histories.

How did they even fuck that one up, amirite? Forget the anger of the fans that were sad they lost characters they loved. This should have worked, right? How easy is it to just begin over? Super easy! The problem is DC Comics had no faith in what they were doing. So they kept a lot of history for most of the characters but now it all happened in a five year span. Some characters *COUGH*GREENLANTERN*COUGH* didn't even start over! They threw out the things they didn't like but kept everything else. And that was their problem. They either needed to go whole hog and just start over completely with possible new origins and directions for many of the characters or they were just going to become mired in the same old shit. Guess which they chose?

See, DC? The problem is that you can't keep Green Lantern unchanged without leaving a bunch of threads that lead back to virtually (possibly literally) all of the big events in DC's history. That means in the first five years of The New 52, you have the Death of Superman and Parallax and the destruction of Coast City and...uh oh...Zero Hour which means the revamping of the big characters which leads back to Crisis which...well, you get it all. But now it all happened in five years. FIXED! TA DA!

The preceding wasn't meant to be a history of DC Comics. It's just my reaction to it as it happened. Zero Hour taught me only one thing: DC Comics was fucking obsessed with making itself flawless. It was a sad revelation and I felt bad for pointing at laughing at them constantly.

This issue begins with Kyle Rayner visiting Hal Jordan who has been imprisoned for feeling sorry for himself.

He's also Sinestro's best friend and his worst enemy! He's a full and an empty diaper! He's caffeinated and decaffeinated coffee! He's a dick and a pussy!

Hal Jordan killed the Guardians of the Universe which also makes him a murderer and a hero! He is such an enigma! And a riddle! But he's not a knock knock joke. Kyle Rayner is the knock knock joke.

KNOCK KNOCK!
WHO'S THERE?
GAIL SIMONE'S CAREER!

That's the end of the joke. I didn't say it was a very good Knock Knock joke! But it does end with a refrigerator door being opened. The knocking must have been from a loose limb lying in an off-balance crisper drawer.

Hal Jordan gives us a synopsis of why his life is a complete train wreck and why he deserves to sit in a jail cell even though nobody on Earth has any idea who The Guardians of the Universe were. I think the murders happened out of Earth jurisdiction, Hal. You should just go kill yourself by drinking too many milkshakes. That's how I'd commit suicide.

"Plus I just really, really, really wanted to kill those arrogant fucking blue bastards!"

Hal also murdered the rest of the Green Lantern Corps which seems like a thing he probably shouldn't have done. Kyle leaves and the Metropolis Police Officer remains behind to point out to Hal that murdering in space isn't in Earth's jurisdiction and, besides, Hal was a space cop, right? Cops can kill whoever they want and they don't have to do jail time! So why is Hal throwing out the best perk of being a cop?! But Hal is all, "I murdered my friends. Wah wah wah."

Just before Planet Brainiac makes his announcement and returns Parallax to Hal Jordan's psyche, Kyle thinks about his girlfriend Alex whom he found in the fridge a year ago. At this point, DC Comics can pretty much pick and choose the events they want to keep in the cut off of the arrival of the dome and they choose to keep Alex's murder? I think what they realize is that Kyle Rayner has never developed enough character without that event! It's also possible that the other stories taking place in Pre-Zero Hour don't really make sense unless they've happened after that event but who remembers those kinds of details after all these years anyway? Besides King Beauregard, Keeper of the Histories, of course. Need to know how many different styles of sneakers Jason Todd wore over the years? He's your man!

I just wish I could remember any specifics from all those years I read comic books!

Planet Brainiac drops the handkerchief and everybody is off to the races! Especially Parallax! He's all, "That cop was very convincing. No jury would indict me! Indict. What a weird word. Why is it pronounced that way? The world must die!"

"One of these cities must have access to a universal GPS. Although the initials of such a device would probably be different! Probably UPS!"

Parallax doesn't even consider checking in at STAR Labs. I think he's just looking for an excuse to destroy another city.

Kyle chases after Parallax to talk some sense into Hal. It's time for one of those "I know you're in there!" and "Friendship will win out!" speeches!

You can't even see his eyes, asshole.

And then Kyle is blasted in the back by Lady Quark's Princess Fern's army of lightning tanks. That's convenient! Now Parallax can murder them all without any guilt! Although once all the guilt builds up, won't it cause Hal Jordan to go all Spectre-y?

Apparently Lady Quark is off battling Supergirl right now. Princess Fern is her daughter Liana. Not that any of that matters since Parallax is about to turn Electropolis into a smoking crater. But that will have to wait until next issue which will give Kyle Rayner time to get his wits about him and stop Parallax because nobody must die!

Convergence: Green Lantern Loves Parallax #1 Rating: I don't really give a shit about Kyle Rayner or Parallax so this issue was the equivalent of wiping my ass after a perfect shit. It was, in the strictest sense, unnecessary but I felt compelled to read it anyway. Before this whole Convergence thing is over, I'm going to have to dig out all of my DC Comics Universe Changing Mini-series and give them a read. So far I have to read Flashpoint and Zero Hour. My guess is the third week's books (which I haven't really looked at yet) are Pre-Crisis since one of them is the original Batman and the Outsiders team. So I'll have to dig out Crisis as well. The fourth week's main city will probably take place Pre-Final Crisis but I don't own that. I think it ends in Superboy Prime punching everything in existence or something.

Convergence: The Titans #1

If fans picked this book up hoping Roy Harper would finally be written as a likeable character, then they probably missed the small "Nicieza" down in the lower left.

It's been some time since I truly trashed a comic book. Sure, I have continued to point out how ridiculous Klarion has been or how mind-numbingly boring Sinestro is. But in recent months, I haven't lost my fucking mind over things like mistaking Antarctica for the Arctic. And I didn't just lose my mind once because of that! One writer didn't just one time mistake one of those for the others! It happened on a constant basis during the whole Culling "epic" which is an error so amateurish that I thought I must have been reading fan fiction.

Oh stop it, you fan fiction writers! Stop being so fucking sensitive! I'm not insulting your fucking writing! I'm just pointing out that it's of an amateur variety. If you mistook Antarctica for the Arctic, I would read it and think, "That would probably be corrected on a later draft if this story is even going to get a later draft which it probably isn't because it's not being written with a paycheck in sight but as just a part of the enjoyment of the fandom." Remember a professional piece of fiction has editors and proofreaders and people being paid a lot of money to make sure the fiction they're publishing isn't a complete embarrassment to their company. If you want to write a piece of incestuous fiction about Dream receiving a blow job from Destiny as Destruction licks Destiny's asshole, the only person you're embarrassing is yourself. And me if somebody catches me masturbating while reading it. But probably just you because I have a lock on my door. So when I compare The Culling to fan fiction, I'm just saying that...well shit. I just realized what I did. I owe writers of fan fiction an apology. The Culling was fucking awful.

Anyway, I could chalk up the whole Antarctica/Arctic thing to a couple of idiot writers like Nabian Ficieza or Lott Scobdell or Dom TeFalco (I'm using code so when their mothers Google their son's name to feel pride in their accomplishments, they won't find this bit where I metaphorically shit all over them). But then in Snott Scyder's Superman Unchained, the mistake crops up yet again! Now I've got to believe that all of the editors at DC Comics decided Geography was a bullshit subject so it was the perfect class to ditch so they could smoke dope underneath the bleachers and read Marvel comic books.

I remember Spider-man was my favorite superhero at around six or seven years old (I mentioned Marvel Comic books and now I'm talking about those! Keep up!). But then I tried reading a Spider-man comic book and I had to put it down because even at that age, I was all, "Jesus fucking Christ, Parker! Stop being such a pussy!"

But this is about The Titans! That's a comic book I really liked when I seriously got into comic books at about thirteen or fourteen. Although when I read it, I often thought, "Jesus fucking Christ, Dick Grayson. Stop being such a pussy!"

"You have to grow up or choose not to." Never before has one man so quickly thrown his hat into the ring of philosophy and immediately threw his back out, collapsed in pain, and gave up immediately.

I probably shouldn't make fun of Fabian Nicieza for that bit since it actually kind of makes sense. I have chosen not to grow up. But not in that stupid ass fucking "look at how silly and young I am" kind of way that attention seeking assholes favor. I mean in the way that I simply refuse to participate in the obligations that society tries to inflict upon adults. Yes, I pay rent and bills and have a job. But when I drop off my rent, I leave a flaming bag of dog shit on the property manager's porch. And I piss on all of my checks before sending them to the bill collectors. And I treat my job like an afterthought which is probably a huge mistake because when my business finally crumbles due to my lack of care and maintenance, I'm going to be forced to grow up! Although I have grown up in all the important ways like having had sex at least one time (or close enough to count, probably) and knowing how to turn on an oven.

To get a picture of what a lousy adult I am, here's a recent Google Hangouts conversation I had with my super grown up (or at least faking it really well) friend Doom Bunny:

Doom Bunny: "You hate people more than anyone else I know. How do you go through the day without punching somebody in the face?"
Me: "I don't interact with anybody!"
Doom Bunny: "That seems like cheating" [He didn't use punctuation like a lazy asshole!]
Me: "Refusing to play a game you never wanted to play in the first place is not cheating."
Me: "I'm going to have kimbap for lunch! That means I have to talk to somebody! I hope I don't punch them in the face."
Me: "You know what else keeps me from punching people in the face? I'm a pacifist!"
Me: "Also they're not real so why be bothered by them?"
Doom Bunny: "What's kimbap?"

I'm going to apologize to Fabian Nicieza right now before blasting him for being a shitty writer later because this was actually a good opening. I just realized the Narration Boxing was Roy Harper's. So it's just as inane and irritating as I'm used to after reading three years of Scott Lobdell's Roy Harper. So good job on capturing the shittiness of New 52 Roy Harper, Fabes!

Except this isn't New 52 Roy Harper! This is Preboot Roy! I'm taking back my fucking apology! You're the worst, Fabes!

Hal: "He's abusing heroin, Ollie." Ollie: "What?! Roy! You told me you were diabetic!"

Roy Harper goes over his past as quickly as possible because this series is only going to be two issues which isn't enough to cover his entire history beginning with his heroin use. That happened before I was even born! So he goes over the heroin part and then the recovering addict part by saying, "Heroin addict. Recovering addict." Wow! Kicking heroin is easy! I'm going to try some later.

He left out the most important part: Soulpatch.

The "and then..." bit leads into the part of his story where Lian is crushed by falling rubble. Roy then Narration Boxes: "Is there a word to describe someone who loses a child?" Careless?

At least going over his history this quickly gets him right into the part where the dome covers Gotham. Although in his story, Starfire crashes into the clock face of Barbara's apartment because her flight gets turned off. I guess Kory wasn't actually flying in Nightwing Loves Oracle #1. She must have been leaping off of the roof of a building and catching on to Nightwing's rope. And because of their sexual history, it didn't cause Nightwing to crash out of the sky. They totally know each other's moves.

With all the super powers turned off, crime dropped in Gotham. Although since when was having super powers ever part of Gotham's criminal arsenal? Anyway, things calmed down. That let Roy feel less useless because now super heroes weren't needed and he didn't have to constantly eat his spleen about having given up super heroics. So he got a grant from the Wayne Foundation because, even though everybody is now sharing everything under the dome, Roy still needed money to open up Lian's Place for displaced families.

I've been avoiding discussing what happened to the economy of these domed cities and I will continue to avoid it even when one of these stories spits it into my face with a moment like this. How many businesses were ruined by loss of contact with the outside world? How are the banks supposed to have access to enough physical funds for everybody now? What would anybody need money for? According to Harley Quinn #1, drugs are running out and people are still working jobs that probably don't fucking matter anymore (for a full year?! What the hell?). According to Nightwing Loves Oracle #1, lots of types of food is running out. According to Superman #1, Lois Lane is still writing articles and Superman is still stopping crime. According to Batman and Robin #1, The Penguin is still trying to make money by controlling the means of production within the city (although isn't everything the city needs provided for by Planet Brainiac?!). According to me, I don't want to think about any of this shit!

Aha! The economy is now based around pornography! I bet Troy Photo Studios now rivals Wayne Enterprises!

I don't know why Donna and Kory can't hear Planet Brainiac's speech. I guess Roy needs them to look outside so they can read his words floating in the air.

Kory and Donna have their powers back. It's a good thing this comic book didn't begin with Donna Troy narrating it because there's no way she'd explain her history in just two pages. The three of them have the most natural conversation Roy, Starfire, or Donna Troy have had since the Reboot. So that's one check in Fabian Nicieza's win column even though the Donna Troy part of that last sentence is a gimme.

Is that a pedophilia joke?

Arsenal heads into his Arsenal Cave which he built using the Wayne Foundation Grant because fucking displaced families can take care of themselves, fucking layabouts. I'm not going to ask any questions about how he accomplished it. Arsenal can build anything and Planet Brainiac provides are the only two comic book things I probably need to know! Roy's computer system rivals the Batcomputer for keeping him abreast of everything going on in the city. Now he sits before it to wait for something awful to happen. Planet Brainiac did mention fighting to survive, after all.

What voice?! You heard it before they did! You might have missed the second half which they apparently heard but asking Donna "What voice?" after hearing the initial proclamation when the dome fell? Stop being an idiot, Roy Harper! Don't forget: you are Preboot Roy Harper! Now act like it!

I hope Troia (does Donna still call herself that? She's got the Troia costume!) and Starfire have to battle Yankee Poodle Dandy and Pig Iron!

Nope. They get to fight more of The Extremists! And they get the more interesting members of The Extremists! Probably because these are the more powerful members with crazier powers that Batman and Robin might have a bit more trouble dealing with.

The Sabretooth ripoff just has to bring gender into it! He should actually point out how the Doc Ock look-a-like is a loser because he's a fucking Doc Ock look-a-like. Who is also fat. Come on! It's pertinent! He makes a bigger starbolt target!

After Lord Havoc incapacitates Kory and Donna with his Doctor Doom Blasts of Doom and Sloppy Vagina Face discusses chess like the pretentious twat he's trying to look like, Gorgon scoops up Kory and Donna in his Octopus arms and makes some more sexist comments. They're really, horribly sexist unlike my sexist comments which are simply sexist-lite, so you should concentrate on how horribly sexist he is and not on anybody else that might seem to be sexist but totally isn't at all. Scout's honor!

Boy scout's honor! Not girl scout's honor! Let's not get crazy! If I want honor, I'll go to the Boy Scouts where they learn how society works like how women in short skirts were asking for it and how to make wooden cars that go fast due to gravity and how gay people are not qualified to keep children safe in the woods. If I want cookies, I'll go to the girl scouts. Actually, I'll just walk past the girl scouts desperately trying to sell me cookies to support their organization so I can enter the store to buy Oreos.

What a pig! Also he's sexist!

Arsenal saves the day because he's a man, natch. But that's when Dreamslayer kicks over the chessboard and tells everybody that they're playing checkers now. Then he realizes that he probably should have just swept the pieces off the board since now he has to pick up the board so he can set up the checkers.

What I'm trying to say is that he brings Lian back to life and offers Roy a choice. If he kills Donna and Kory, Dreamslayer will let him have Lian back. Although that supposes that he can actually kill Kory or Donna with his dumb arrow. Plus he might want to take into account that this guy's name is "Dreamslayer." That doesn't sound like the kind of guy that makes your dreams come true! Plus his face looks like a vagina leaking Sunny Delight.

I've never actually seen a vagina but I have consumed loads of Sunny Delight in my youth, so I think I know what I'm talking about. I used to drink Sunny Delight before all the cool people I know told me that it was gross and then I was all, "Yeah, yeah. Totally. I never drink that shit."

The issue ends with Roy's cybernetic, double-barreled wrist gun's barrels turning, one barrel each, towards Kory and Donna. Then the barrels say, "Kra-KOOM!" and light explodes out of them. But then the page says, "To be continued!" So I don't know if Roy actually shot Kory and Donna's faces off. I'm going to guess not. Plus Lian is probably real and they'll save her anyway because one of the fans' demands was to bring Lian Harper back. And DC Comics was all, "Anything you want, fans! Except all that other stuff you want! Plus all this stuff you hate! But you really want this, right? Well, now you have to shut up and love us!"

Convergence: Teen Titans #1 Rating: You suck, Fabian Nicieza. You especially suck because I wanted to get super duper angry at this comic book and relive my hyperbolic anger days! But instead you went and wrote a story that improved Roy and Starfire and Donna. At least by their New 52 standards! You actually caught, as much as you could in one short issue, the feeling of friendship I remember between these characters back when I was reading The Titans in the nineties. Or late eighties. Whenever! So congratulations, you stupid asshole, on ruining my day by actually writing a decent comic book. Dick.