The Man of Steel #2

"Happy birthday, son! We got you an alienating back story!"

Over the years, I've had a lot of responses to my comic book reviews. While a few of them were "Why do you hate my I mean Cullen Bunn's writing so much?", most of them were a version of "So I just finished your review and I was wondering what you really think of the comic book." This has always intrigued me. Why would somebody actually want to know a stranger's opinion on what was almost certainly a shitty comic book? Maybe ten of my four thousand reviews were actually meant to encourage people to read the comic book I was reviewing. Most of the reviews were an experience unto themselves. Whenever somebody would ask what I really thought, I realized that person didn't read the review correctly and probably had a learning disability. I mean, it was a Batman comic book! You already know what 95% of that experience is going to be! And if you need the other five percent to be whether some terrible writer on the Internet liked or disliked it, maybe you've got issues trusting your own judgment.

What's even worse is when people argue with me. There was that one guy who totally wasn't Cullen Bunn or his wife who argued incessantly with my Twat Lobo reviews. He then went on to argue with my Not-Twat Lobo-centric Justice League of America reviews. On a number of occasions, I simply responded, "You don't understand this blog." He would invariably answer, "What's to understand?!" which he probably meant as an insult, right? "Your opinions are so simple-minded and biased! Sorry not sorry!" But I refused to explain the magic trick and instead just continued to boggle at his inability to understand exaggeration for effect and obvious bias disguised as impartial critique.

Not that I should be surprised by that response and then insult their learning disability that I'm sure they've been struggling with for years when the whole point of my reviews is that they're supposed to sound like an arrogant yet somewhat stupid asshole who doesn't know how to write reviews! Did that sound convincing? Do you now believe that it was a purposeful fictional voice created all those years ago? I finally fired my therapist and I'm trying a new strategy to get people to like me. Right now I'm trying "Oh, you thought that was my real personality? Silly!" My previous attempt to get people to like me was to not care if they really thought I believed the horrible things I said. Spoiler alert: they all thought I really believed the things I said and hated me for it!

That last statement isn't entirely true. That one time when some petitioner on the street asked me if I wanted to save the pandas and I said, "I hate pandas," she flirtatiously stuck her tongue out at me and I'm fairly certain I only imagined her mutter "Cunt" from behind my back as I walked on.

"So, um, Man of Steel #2?" you might be asking. "Yeah, yeah!" I say charismatically. "I'm getting to that!" That's the segue into the actual review part (which, as I pointed out so that you don't retain any high expectations, will barely be a review).

These four panels basically explain the premise of the entire series. My review of them? "If I have to read this many words in every panel, I'm going to kill myself publicly."

Let's pretend that Rogol Zaar is Bendis's Mary Sue and Krypton is America so that we can theorize how Bendis is anti-America. Who else is on board with that interpretation? To completely understand it, you might have to remember how Rogol Zaar's reasons for destroying Krypton was that Krypton was a threat to the entire fabric of DC continuity. Just like how Bendis thinks America is a threat to world peace. In Bendis's mind, America must be destroyed if we're to save the rest of the world.

Not that I'm saying I agree with Bendis because I live in America and please don't destroy me but it's a compelling theory, right?!

But that whole Rogol Zaar crap doesn't matter yet! The thing that matters is that Lois Lane an Jon are missing and everybody is all, "Did Clark Kent murder them?" Even Hal Jordan was all, "So, I heard from Oberon that things in the Kent-Lane home aren't so great?" But instead of telling Hal, "Well, maybe I could use the Justice League's help because there was this incident last week where this thing appeared in our kitchen and then I was on the moon and...well, I'll tell you more as the story unravels across six issues. For now, that's all you need to know." Then Hal could have been, "Oh, um, excuse me. I need to be on Planet I'm-Not-Making-Up-This-Name in like a nanosecond. Thanks for whatever!"

I wasn't sure how I felt about Bendis and then I got to this page:

He's the greatest comic book writer of our generation!

Ambush Bug is saying, "Dsagfds! Jgfh hgfdhdfg gfsdd." I guess he can only speak using letters in the home row. In the next panel, he exclaims, "Ljkl!" as he drops the items he's juggling. I guess "Ljkl!" is Homerowese for "FUCK!"

In the galactic bar where Ambush Bug has declared his DC continence (don't argue with me. That wording works better than you think!), Rogol Zaar wanders in to have his once yearly drink. I guess he's been slumbering for thirty something years and only wakes up once a week or something. While there, he sees the symbol of the House of El and learns that there's still a Kryptonian out there. Apparently his rage wasn't that the race of Kryptonians would destroy the universe but that they existed at all. Because he's still super angry about one superman left in the galaxy. His racial animosity flares and, I'm pretty certain, he's planning a trip to Earth. Or what are the other four issues going to be about? Superman looking for Lois and Jon? How much punching will be in that story? Boring!

Maybe Bendis is less the greatest writer of our generation and less angry at America's abuse of power on the world stage and more of a MAGA type. Why are all his homeless people minorities?

I apologize if Bendis isn't as racist as that page might seem. It could also be Doc Shaner or Steve Rude or Alex Sinclair who are the racist ones.

So, um, anyway, Rogol Zaar decides to hop on his space motorcycle in an attempt to be even less like Lobo (that was sarcastic because Lobo rides a space motorcycle and is also black and white and also loves genocide!) so he can zip to Earth and kill Superman.

Rating: My interest is still being held! There's a story here which is better than all of those comic books that don't have a story. The only problem is that the antagonist has been seen before in several different versions and parodies of those versions. And there's always a new version of how and why Krypton was destroyed. But at least Lois Lane has been kidnapped so that's, um, not yet the different thing I was looking for. What about the Daily Planet going under or being sold? No, no. Seen that. Anyway, Ambush Bug made an appearance! That's got to count for at least fifty cents of the cover price!

P.S. Subscribe to the E!TACT Newsletter for great poetry and better reviews by people responding to my terrible reviews! It's better than refreshing Twitter constantly!

Convergence: Supergirl Matrix #2

Best cover since The New 52 began!

My elementary school friend Philip Newby introduced me to Ambush Bug. He also introduced me to Monty Python, Bloom County, and The Young Ones. He was the first person, in fifth or sixth grade, who I ever sincerely apologized to of my own volition. He went on to be an actor in Los Angeles. I'm not sure he was ever in anything that anybody reading my blog would have seen except for one episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Way back when I was still getting the DVDs by mail through Netflix, I watched the first few seasons of the show. My jaw hit the floor when I saw him in the show. It was the one where they go to some football game and spend the entire time in the parking lot. He's credited as Nebbish Guy.

Phil was the first guy I ever knew who always seemed to know exactly what he wanted. He had no fear. He's gone now. Killed himself some years back. I mention him because some things will forever remind me of Phil and Ambush Bug is one of them.

This comic book is probably about to get pretty silly so I needed to weight it heavily on the front end.

This issue begins with a date: circa 1994! Gods and Demonic Hellfire bless Keith Giffen! I suppose I could have just looked up Zero Hour on Wikipedia to figure out the date myself. But I like when comic book writers fearlessly flaunt possibly continuity flaws in the face by planting flags in the...sorry. I lost the train of that metaphor. Anyway, Keith did say "circa" so his ass is covered if any Continuity Nerds want to bust his chops.

Green and Silver are killing this shit. Hi-Fi too although I suspect Hi-Fi is a robot and I probably shouldn't be complimenting robots. They'll get all uppity and then WHAMMO! Skynet!

Judging by Ambush Bug's suitcase at the end of last issue, he and Cheeks have been traveling among the domes for the last year. Supergirl's trying to get the lowdown on the layout of the lowlands from this layabout.

I'm glad I'm not playing the Keith Giffen Drinking and Eating Cookies Game this issue because I've laughed out loud more times than the pages I've read. I've read two so far! I might be drunk by now! And my teeth would be caked with Oreos!

Now I have to go hunt down the other 122 issues of Humiliating Romance!

Because Supergirl smells like spackle and she seemingly wants Ambush Bug's teeth, Ambush Bug buggers out of there. Now I guess I have to read through a number of pages not starring Ambush Bug! What a rip off.

Okay, maybe she doesn't smell like spackle. But I'm positive she wanted Ambush Bug's teeth.

Ambush Bug winds up in a bar in Kamandi's New York telling an anthropomorphic mouse that he banged Supergirl. I think it's okay to lie about your sexual conquests if you're talking about people from another dimension. I mean, I absolutely had sex with Heathers era Winona Ryder three universes and two timelines over. It ruined her career because I was so good at the doing it. And by "so good," I mean I was super quick. It takes a real pro to sex it up lightning fast! Those guys who do it for hours obviously don't know what they're doing. They don't even know whose thingy you're supposed to stick wherever. But I totally know. Alternate Dimension Winona Ryder showed me! And I'm pretty sure sex is the same in this dimension as in that dimension. She was all, "Oh! Oh! Let me stick my girl doo-dad in your guy pee pot!" And she totally did. Lots of times. It felt the way really awesome doing it feels. You know that feeling! So good!

I should probably stop describing my doing it exploits before you think I'm trying too hard and begin doubting that I've ever done it. You shouldn't doubt it at all because I've done it up lots of times. All the way up and all the way down and all over town and under the table in my living room too! That's where people sometimes do it when they claim they're not virgins anymore. Also all over town. And outside under the full, full moon. I'm so unvirginized, you wouldn't believe.

Supergirl hunts down Ambush Bug to drag back to Lex so he'll stop treating her like garbage. But seeing that he's Lex Luthor, that's probably a pipe dream.

Lady Quark hunts down Supergirl because she still thinks she can save her city. Spoiler: it's already been destroyed by Parallax! Ha ha!

Ambush Bug is scared off by Lady Quark but not before he helps calm her down by confusing her. Supergirl explains to Lady Quark that Ambush Bug's teleportation technology is needed to return the cities to their original universes. And since Lady Quark doesn't yet know that her city is already doomed, she teams up with Supergirl in an attempt to save everybody. I hope it's Ambush Bug's technology that allows the planet to enter The New 52! He needs to be the hero of Convergence!

Ambush Bug heads to thirtieth century Metropolis to try out for the Legion of Super-heroes. Hell, if he doesn't mind changing his name to Ambush Lass, he's a lock for the team! His teleportation power is better than half of the Legion's powers. And that makes him better than like 50,000 Legionnaires!

I wonder if Matter Eater Lad ever worked in gay porn.

Ambush Bug and Supergirl wind up in Futures End New York where Ambush Bug isn't even wanted for conversion. That's probably because Brother Eye doesn't understand whimsy. He knows Ambush Bug would defeat him with pure, unadulterated silliness. I know a lot of people (many of them comic book readers!) who would agree with Brother Eye. Some people would read the list of things Philip Newby introduced me to and believe I'd have been better off not knowing him. To those people, I say, "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!"

Eventually, they all return to Supergirl's Metropolis where it looks like the battle might pick up where it left off before Ambush Bug arrived.

If we'd been playing the Keith Giffen Drinking Game, we'd be drunk on just the repeated spackle joke alone.

Before Lady Quark and Supergirl can finish their fight, Lex Luthor arrives to belittle Supergirl for the final time. Final because she kills him before getting back to her battle against Lady Quark. And Ambush Bug picks up his suitcases and walks off into the sunset. Probably because he's not going to be allowed back in The New 52.

Convergence: Supergirl Matrix #2 Rating: Even though Cheeks the Toy Wonder didn't make an appearance in this issue, it rates 9 Cheeks out of Ten. That's because it was actually entertaining as opposed to so many of these other Convergence comic books that have barely been worth my time.

Divergence: Bat-Mite
"Convinced that he's the imp that put Batman on the map, Bat-Mite is eager to boost the careers of heroes he thinks need his 'help'!"

I'm a little disappointed that Bat-Mite is being written by Dan Jurgens because he'll probably just repeat a bunch of jokes from the eighties like "Television watches you" and "something about a weasal buuuuuuuud-dee! *weasal noises*" Or whatever.

In the Sneak Peek, Batman meets Bat-Mite for the first time. And he doesn't like him. I'm not sure I like him either. I don't think Dan Jurgens has the comedy chops to pull this off. I could see this working if Dan turns Bat-Mite into the Don Rickles of the DC Universe (you kids can look him up on Wikilearnstuff). Bat-Mite is off to bug other heroes besides Batman and it seems like, with his "meta-analysis of Batman, he'll have the ability to comment on the fandom's issues with each of the heroes. If Dan Jurgens can be critical enough and a bit mean-spirited when it comes to critiquing what other writers and artists are doing wrong, Bat-Mite could be a wonderful comic book! But I know that would go against the spirit of feigned comradery at DC Comics! It's probably against the unspoken rules to mention how horrible Ann Nocenti is at writing Catwoman. Although remember when Jeff Lemire, Scott Snyder, Yanick Paquette, and Steve Pugh were doing Rotworld? Remember how they turned all the comic book heroes that were currently being written terribly into all the decaying, disgusting Rotworld "heroes"? That was some divinely subtle commentary, that. And maybe a little playful poking. It's hard to say.

Anyway, if Bat-Mite were just over the line of being mean-spirited, it would be right up my alley! I just don't think Jurgens is going to be successful with it.

This is the final Supergirl's bum for quite some time! Let's hope she gets a new series when the television show begins.

Aquaman #16

I notice Batman has already escaped. Or drowned. I wonder how long Wonder Woman can hold her breath?

This issue begins with Cyborg undergoing surgery inside The Red Room. So The Red Room does exist and it doesn't only store Unknown Known Unknown objects; it also houses a Robotic Hospital. If The Red Room really does exist, then where is The Haunted Tank actually kept? Perhaps it simply teleports itself back and forth between The Black Room and The Red Room since it does have that power. And that's the only explanation that makes sense. Actually other explanations make sense but only if DC editors and writers have made some errors. And I don't want to accuse anyone of making a mistake! Especially when I can do some Fanboy Pretzel Logic and excuse the seeming error with comic book knowledge!

I'm also learning that The Red Room is in Detroit within S.T.A.R. Labs (or relearning if that was mentioned in G.I. Combat). The Black Room is under Washington, DC. I wonder if there are any other color rooms? I would speculate on some possibilities but I'd probably just end up making jokes teetering on the edge of racism. Anyway, I don't see color! The Red Room? The Black Room? They're all just The Room to me!

Speaking of The Room, here's my friend Xan's cat, Truffle Hunter, in his Tommy Wiseau phase. When I saw this picture of Truffle Hunter, I instantly knew where I'd seen that face before. This cat has talent!

While knocked out on the operating room table, Victor (Cyborg!) begins processing security footage from the ship that tried to nuke Atlantis so he can try to figure out who is to blame for this mess. Does anesthesia hamper your ability to dream when it knocks you unconscious? If not, is it possible to have erotic dreams while on the operating table? That could be embarrassing. Or a letter to Penthouse, depending on how the doctors and nurses react.

Let me take a moment to revise my chess analogy from Justice League #16. I think Aquaman is definitely the King. Dr. Shin is simply a pawn. Superman and Vulko are his Bishops. Mera is probably the Queen. Wonder Woman and Batman are knights. And Cyborg is both castles due to his dual nature. On the other side of the board, Orm is the king. Orm is the Queen. Orm is the bishop. Orm is the castle. And Tula and Garth are knights. I don't know many people on the Atlantis side of the board! Maybe it would be easier if I just compared the conflict to checkers! The Justice League is Red and the Atlanteans are Black! Perfect!

Meanwhile at the bottom of the ocean, Aquaman escapes from his Solid Water Casket while Batman begins lasering his way out. Superman and Wonder Woman are even further down in the trench where the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underwater Dwellers live. These are the guys from Aquaman's first story arc, The Trench. They were the most boring part of that story. The best part of the story were the people making Aquaman jokes. And Mera. Mera was a really good part of that story too!

Aquaman and Batman in a Pod swim deeper in search of Wonder Woman and Superman.

Sure, now Batman figures out it was wrong to fight each other. How many times are they going to have this conversation after beating the hell out of each other? This is at least the second time.

Up above, Firstorm, Hawkman, Black Canary, Black Lightning, Element Woman, Vixen, and a tiny person (perhaps Goldrush? I don't know who that is) are battling the Atlantean army to keep them in check. Hawkman gets a couple of mediocre panels that are better than everything in his regular title. And while these pawns are battling at the front line, Cyborg is ready to plunge into the Atlantic with Mera to save the Justice League. Except they don't plunge; they Boom Tube. The arrive at the location of Batman's distress call just in time to save them from being eaten by the Trench Creatures.

Ugh! I know how you feel, Batman. Who wants that guy stinking up your comic book?

Meanwhile two pages of comic book are wasted on a dramatic rendering of the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underwater Dwellers emerging from the ocean. I suppose it's very dramatic. If it were any smaller, I wouldn't take the threat seriously. But since two pages were used to portray the event, I'm really frightened!

Aquaman and Mera come to the conclusion that the Trench Creatures have risen to the surface to help out Orm's army. But he's just as fucking surprised as they are when the creatures appear! His army begins to be torn apart as the reader realizes a third person must be behind it all! And that's when Victor's program finishes processing the security film from the ship that started this all.

Well shit. Chess doesn't have three sides! Maybe this is Chinese Checkers?

Aquaman #16 Rating: No change. This is probably one of those comic books that action-oriented comic book fans love. But it's simply mediocre for an unloved, cynical asshole with a degree in literature. But fuck that. Forget the rankings. I'm done talking about Aquaman. Let's fucking talk about this:

Is this the New 52 version of Jonni DC?

I knew Ambush Bug would find his place outside of continuity somewhere! I guess he'll be commenting on it. I hope whatever this is it isn't just a bullshit rehash of DC Comics All Access or the other lame features they keep trying to shove in the back of the book. Be funny and informative! I just hope sticking Ambush Bug in this News 52 thing doesn't keep him from eventually appearing elsewhere.