Catwoman #40

Another poster I knew close enough to get partial credit, rounded up, leaving my guessing the movie poster streak at 100%!

After walking to the comic book store a week and a half ago, I stopped by The Pied Cow to meet the Non-Certified Spouse and a couple of friends. I brought out the movie poster covers from that week to see if everybody recognized them. Catwoman was the only one nobody was sure about. But I said I was pretty sure it was a Steve McQueen movie and that the title of the movie was a single name. But I just couldn't remember the fucking name. So I asked Lord Google to give me some "Steve McQueen movie posters" and there it was: Bullitt. And then I had to watch the San Francisco car chase from the movie on YouTube. And I'm nauseated! Not just from the footage being shot from the inside of a muscle car driving fast on the hills of San Francisco but from the memories of being a passenger in my cousin's monster truck driving on those hills. Holy fuck I don't think I've ever been more scared then when he parked sideways on one of those steep hills in a fucking truck cab raised four feet off the ground. I thought for sure we were going to roll sideways down the hill.

I used to have nightmares about driving the hills in San Francisco. For whatever reason, I was terrified to drive up those steep hills. I didn't mind coming down them but going up completely freaked me out.

Who wants to bet the issue begins with some historical correspondence?!

"And I was all, 'Cleo's kid ain't even Caesers, ya know? Know how I know? Cuz he's jus' inta rim jobs, get me? That kid? That's Titus Pullo's kid fer sure cause ya know Pullo donna pullout! Har!'" -- Antony

Selina is beginning to see too many similarities between herself and Cleopatra. She's probably hoping that before she loses everything to a Roman, she can pull her asp out of the fire. Oh!

Holding one of Falcone's men hostage, Selina is hoping to put the Black Mask in the same position he tried to put her in with Nick and his betrayal. She's forcing his hand by asking that he send Mason to speak with her or the Falcone man dies. That puts pressure on Black Mask to cave to her demands or face the wrath of the Falcone family because he's putting their man in danger just to avoid dealing with Selina. She's already been threatened with a gang war so she doesn't have anything to lose. If the war starts this way, at least she knows Black Mask will have as many enemies as she does with the added benefit that she gets to make the first move.

Nobody is quite sure who the Forster Lane Book Club will side with, so Selina, having gotten in good with Lewis, one of its members, decides to pay their leader a visit.

Penguin is probably still angry that Catwoman dragged him into an Ann Nocenti story.

Penguin and Catwoman part company with some kind of respect for each other and the way the other does business. And since The Penguin's goals are loftier than any other crime boss can possibly imagine, he acts like he doesn't really care what happens during this turf war. As long as he gains the right turf and the right allies, he seems content to let the others bicker for scraps. I think he's just an arrogant, uninteresting jerk who's giving penguins a bad name!

Selina's people kick off some minor skirmishes on Hasigawa's docks to lure out Black Mask. Selina lets the Falcones have their man back. The cops get involved and somebody sets off the Bat-signal when the Egyptian Club is hit by another group. And Alvarez and Keyes are still trying to figure out why they're still in this comic book and whose side they're on and whether or not they trust each other or anybody at all.

They might as well be Laurel and Hardy.

Selina beats Alvarez and Keyes to their stool pigeons (or their wannabe rats?). Mason tries to take Antonia hostage because taking hostages is the cool thing to do. But Selina slices him open and sends him on his way. Although he does manage to shoot Antonia in the knee before skulking out of Gotham with some juicy family history that Selina will probably want to learn. Eventually. Now Selina will probably tell Antonia that she's an idiot for not following orders and staying away for the night.

Just like that!

Then Catwoman waves at Batman and the gang war takes a break for a couple of months.

Catwoman #40 Rating: No change. I really need the Cliff's Notes version of this story! Or some kind of relationship flow chart so I know who is in bed with who and who trusts what and which gang is besties with which other gang and who keeps tattling to Alvarez and Keyes and how often Eiko and Selina have sex. I'm just so confused! I think I kind of know what's going on but I don't really trust my memory to keep it all straight. And maybe dumb down some of that historical context for me, Genevieve! Sheesh! Who knows anything about the relationship between Caeser and Cleopatra! Did they know each other? Didn't they live on different continents? How did ancient people travel very far when they only had camels and jogging briskly as traveling options? Also weren't they just fictional characters invented by Christopher Marlowe under a pseudonym?! How about using some letters from Kurt Vonnegut or Ernest Hemingway next time. They're writing style is easily comprehended by seventh graders! I think I could handle that.

Justice League Dark #40

This movie variant is a bad idea because there is no way this issue will be as entertaining as Beetlejuice.

So far I've tried to pick up every movie poster variant cover available but my comic book store just randomly chooses between the regular cover and variant when they shove them in my box. So I looked up the issues that I knew I wasn't able to grab to see if I recognized them. So far on the covers I've gotten, I've recognized them all except Batman Loves Superman's The Fugitive poster. Although I did know it was a Harrison Ford movie and found the poster by asking Lord Google to find me a "Harrison Ford movie poster." I missed Sinestro which was a Westworld variant and I would have recognized that one. I also missed Batman and Robin which was a Harry Potter poster and I would have guessed that one. I also missed Green Lantern Corps which was for Forbidden Planet and I'm not so sure I would have recognized that one. When I looked it up via Lord Google, the real movie poster popped up side by side with the Green Lantern Corps cover so I didn't get a chance to guess it. But since the poster relies so heavily on Robbie the Robot and he's been replaced by Kilowog, I'm not sure I would have placed the rest of it. Probably though! I'll just give myself a pass for all the covers I missed and give my self partial credit, rounded up, for Batman Loves Superman. Which means I'm 100% on guessing the correct movie so far!

The last five issues of this comic book dealt with Justice League Dark trying to save themselves and stop the universe from ending all at the same time. But I guess they failed because last issue ended with all of them being sucked up into Pralaya's vagina. But immediately after that happened, John Constantine inside the House of Mystery was expelled from Pralaya's goose stretcher. I ran out of things to call a vagina so I need to start making up some new ones. That's what happens after you've written around 2100 commentaries on comic books and you enjoy mentioning certain parts of the female anatomy. I've probably also run out of words for penis as well but I can call a penis anything and there isn't a guy on Earth who will take offense to whatever euphemism I choose. But I have to dance delicately around the vagina! Boy, if I had a barn owl for every time I've uttered that phrase!

This issue is called Ouroboros because it's going to make me want to consume myself.

Oh bullshit! Love is less real than anything else in this comic book!

Love is only real when you don't have it! Having love is just allowing yourself the chance to not contemplate how truly despicable and unlovable you truly are. You don't have to feel the pain of loneliness and the ultimate inability to connect with any other human being if you have somebody nearby telling you how much they love you. Love is just freedom from your insecurity and self-doubt! When love is gone, you hunger for it because you can't stand who you are when you're alone and you realize just how hard it will be to get somebody to not think you're completely disgusting. People don't love each other because of their flaws or despite their flaws. They love each other because it's a contract to completely ignore the other person's flaws so that you can also completely ignore your own flaws. You can revel in your bitterness and resentment in the rest of the world and you have somebody who has to agree with you because you've seen them, on a near daily basis, stick their fingers into their buttcrack and then casually sniff them as if they were in the room alone. That's love! Oh, and it isn't real was my point. So I probably shouldn't have tried to end it with "That's love!" as if it exists because it doesn't! Nevermind.

Fake Constantine and Fake Zatanna and the real (I guess?) House of Mystery create a fake Alec Holland because The Green still kind of exists since the House of Mystery has its own greenhouse. They're still desperately trying to save the universe even though it's long gone baby! Forget about it! It's over! Kaput! The opposite of extant! And they aren't even real people anyway! Why should they care? Oh, that's right. Love! I forgot about fucking love! The power of love will keep the universe alive tonight! That's the power of love.

Alec Holland needs to rebirth Yggdrasil which will bring back the universe which has ended because that's how things go, guys. Everything dies. Except God, of course! God has always been and can't die because he (or she) was never born! She (or he) has existed forever because that totally makes more sense than a universe that has existed forever. Or else God was spontaneously created at some point which totally makes more sense than a universe spontaneously coming into creation. Wait. Now I'm confused. How is replacing "the universe" with "God" a better answer? It still doesn't make any sense a human can wrap their minds around, you whackos.

Look. We have proof of a universe outside of man and his creations. We have no proof of God outside of man and his creations. So how does replacing an infinite universe (or a universe created from nothing) with a sentient, all-knowing, all-powerful infinite being (or one that was created from nothing) make it more palatable? It's definitely not more logical and it takes extra, unneeded steps to explain the universe. I think this is where, if I were one of the youngin's, I'd shake my damn head.

Okay, you know what. I'm the one who used the word "palatable" so I can actually understand it in those terms. I take back my shaking my damn head. I get that the decision to swap out the random and inexplicable creation of the universe with a knowing and loving God offers comfort and meaning. So I get why people believe. And I get why people want to believe. And I get why people, even when they don't really believe, desperately leave the possibility open by not really thinking themselves out of it too much. I get it. Some people need that. I just wish people would understand that some people don't need that and that by not needing it, it doesn't make us arrogant or self-righteous. I think it just makes us stronger!

Was that a little bit arrogant?

Poison ivy! Come creeping up right behind me!

Swamp Thing recovers the real Justice League Dark from oblivion. I guess they were hiding in The Green because The Green was never totally obliterated because plants were still in the House of Mystery. It's all very complex and high-minded!

I currently have half of a chocolate chip cookie. Is there anything more disappointing in life than half a cookie? Okay, maybe sex with a man. But the half a cookie is a close second.

Yggdrasil explodes out of Pralaya who is consumed by her own self or something. She loses because the end of the universe is really just the beginning of the same universe. Duh! It was right there in the title the whole time! "Ouroboros!" Whatever that means.

Whoever created the word "Ourobors" was an idiot because the word should be a palindrome.

"...who'll ever know!" Convenient!

But is the universe restored exactly? How do they know that Yggdrasil didn't decide to throw in a few new flourishes that she had been pining for the last time around to spruce the place up?

Zatanna mentions how Pralaya still exists and she'll be back at the appointed time for the Big Sleep of Brahma. But since Justice League Dark decided that time wasn't now, I guess Pralaya has to slink away and change her calendar. What makes them so special that they can just interfere with the basic cosmic underpinnings of the entire system? And they called Pralaya arrogant.

Justice League Dark and the House of Mystery return to Earth to meet up with John Constantine. Zatanna hands over the keys to the House and quits. Everybody else quits with her because who wants to be on John Constantine's team? That's like signing your own death certificate!

Justice League Dark #40 Rating: No change. This whole story was a major let down. The Justice League Dark were forced into a mission to save the universe and restore it to exactly where it was before they had to save the universe. So it really didn't accomplish anything as a story. But I guess it created a Constantine and a Zatanna that get to live in a magical realm of love and unibunnies. And Yggdrasil is now a character in the DC Universe if she wasn't already. And maybe, if I'd cared more, I might have learned a little something about the strengths and desires of some of the main characters of the book. But who has time to read comic books that closely? I don't need to know more about Nightmare Nurse than that she looks like a sexy Sailor Moon when she's doing her magic. The most important part of the story is that Zatanna still loves Constantine but he doesn't remember her. But that was established before this story began so I'm just going to go with my initial reaction and say this story was bullshit that had no effect on anything or anybody ever.

The Flash #40

Vertigo-go-go!

If you're reading this comic book and not watching the television show of the same name, you should probably rethink your choices. I can't imagine that anybody out there is reading this and not watching the show. That's totally the wrong way around! You watch stuff first and then if you're interested in getting more of the characters from the show, you read the comic books or the sort-of-shitty series of books based on the show or you dig around for some fan-fiction because not enough of the male characters on the show are fucking each other. But who would read this and not watch the show? Watching television is so easy! And The Flash is so fucking good!

I appreciate Arrow for how it set up a really great way to present the DC Universe on television. It did a phenomenal job bringing the DCU to life. But holy shit has it dropped the ball! I'm so sick of characters suddenly despising other characters simply because they found out the other character was keeping a secret! And I'm seriously sick of characters simply looking at another character and realizing something is up. Okay, The Flash does way too much of this as well. Maybe I'm just not social enough but I can't remember the last time I was hanging out with some friends and one of them noticed that I wasn't quite my usual self and so they said, "How are you feeling? Something wrong?" And of course something was wrong and it had to do with them being a total dickhole but I couldn't say anything so I had to put up a strong front and say, "No, no! Of course not!" But really I was thinking, "You fucking dickhole! Stop being such a total dickhole!" I mean, that hardly ever happens to me in real life!

But damn The Flash is so good. It's making up for how horrible the previous Flash television show was! Holy fucking God that series was boring!

But enough about a television show that is so much better than the current story happening in this comic book with characters that are four-fifths legs. I think it's all the time travelling that's fucked up everybody's proportions. But that should all be fixed by the end of this issue! No more Future-Flash! Unless it winds up being no more Present-Flash? Whichever! I don't really care which one survives.

"You're right, Iris! Flash was going to kill that guy that is going to kill everybody else! He's a murderer! Except he didn't kill the guy who's going to kill us all so he's not technically a murderer yet. But that shouldn't stop you from writing an article about how he's a murderer! Because he did say he was going to kill the guy and there's no way that was just hyperbole while trying to scare the crap out of his opponent! Gosh, Iris! Flash is so much worse than this guy threatening all of these innocent people!"

As you can see from the previous caption, I'm currently not too fond of Iris and Patty. Sure, Future-Flash is a murdering sicko bastard psychopath! But they don't actually know that! They're jumping to all sorts of conclusions on the most flimsy evidence and bullshit hunches! Iris and Patty judging Future-Flash like this (even if they're right) is no better in my eyes than all the people that see Superman as a threat (even if they're right. I mean, seriously, Superman. How many times do you have to be mind-controlled before you realize you're a fucking danger to everybody?).

Future-Flash punches Overload in his Atomic Skully, Ghost-Rider-wannabe head but it barely fazes the guy. I'm not sure how it doesn't knock his head completely off. But he doesn't press the attack and put the guy down. No, why would he? Instead he tells Overload all about how he hunted him for years in the hopes of capturing him. Then he taunts him a bit with how his suit is immune to Overload's power instead of punching Overload in the face or picking him up and running him out to the salt flats where he can't pick up anymore power. He does nothing that a hero should do. Probably because he's not a hero! This is the proof that he's a villain! He can't help but tell his plan to Overload which gives Overload enough time to blow up Future-Flash's watch and mangle his hand. Ha ha! Serves you right, Future-Flash!

How about this question: "Why are you telling me all of this shit instead of stopping the maniac that's about to kill everybody?" Jesus fuck me Christ, Patty! Stop telling him stupid questions that you aren't going to ask him and let him save the fucking city already!

Sometimes I wish I were reading Marvel so I can point out how stupid their comic books are too! Fucking assholes that think Marvel shits pearls! I could so make you think otherwise!

Meanwhile in the dumb-dumb world of the Speed Force where Barry Allen has fallen for Hairy Potter's intricate web of lies, Barry is about to lose his power to Selkirk (aka Hairy Potter because he has a lightning bolt scar and a manly chest). He performs the ritual which he learned by wandering the world seeking out Speed Force lore and finding it everywhere he went, naturally! You don't get laughed out of higher learning because of your ridiculous theories and your shitty thesis without heading out into the world and finding proof for your laughable ideas everywhere you look! I mean in a comic book!

Back in the present, only a few people are killed while Patty and Future-Flash discuss how he betrayed her and lied to her and kind of raped her if you really think about it and how he needs to stop Overload without killing him. So Future-Flash runs around at superspeed using everybody's cell phones and it crashes the network. Well, LexCorps has a shitty network if it can't handle that little bit of data from the phones in the crowd which were already pinging the tower as people used them but then Flash like, um, overused them, I guess.

Overload is just happy that the buzzing is gone and he's hauled off by the police to be placed in a mental ward where they probably have lots and lots of buzzing due to the wi-fi and the doctor's cell phones and the florescent lights and the electro-shock therapy machines. And Future-Flash declares that he isn't the same guy that killed that college kid in an earlier issue. Totally different now. He's seen the light! Hopefully he still has time to stop Iris from running her "Killer Flash" story! I still don't see how she can think "Killer Flash" is the headline of the decade. Iris is an idiot.

Back in the Speed Force, Selkirk finishes the ritual and Barry gets his powers back. Selkirk burns off half of his face by getting too close to the lightning. He's already covered in scars. What's one more that takes up most of his head? As The Flash speeds off to leave the Speed Force, he leaves some of his power behind for Selkirk. I guess he'll be the villain after Conversation.

Or sooner!

It sure would be convenient if Selkirk murdered Future-Flash! Isn't it always nice when another villain can kill somebody that the hero doesn't know how to deal with or what to do with? It's always nice when they can have their murder and eat it too.

Or the other way around. Future-Flash, realizing that either he or Barry is going to blow due to some law of time travel or the Speed Force that he made up earlier, offers to sacrifice himself to take out Selkirk. That leaves Barry just swimming in murder which he can both eat and have at the same time!

Before Future-Flash disappears in a paradox, he tells Barry that he found a clue to their mother's murder: Thawne. Of course he doesn't spell that out for Barry so Barry isn't going to have any real idea what the fuck he said.

Oh come on! You never actually proved that he murdered that one kid that showed weird internal damage that could possibly have come from somebody using super speed! This is the weakest break-up of The New 52 so far! Although not the most surprising or the one anybody even fucking cares about. Seriously, Patty. You were a total placeholder.

Finally there's an epilogue where Selkirk, now featuring a broken spine, meets Professor Zoom. Is Flash only going to battle other speedsters in this series?

The Flash #40 Rating: -1 Ranking. How am I supposed to be happy that all of this time travel bullshit is over when the issue ends with the threat of fucking Eobard Thawne?! I'm time traveled out over here! And super-speeded out as well! Can't Barry just have a nice, relaxing battle with Captain Cold? I don't want Flash to return in June to "face his deadliest enemies yet." I want him to face his cuddliest foes! Where are the good-natured antagonists? The criminals with a sense of humor?! When is DC going to put the fun back in this comic book?

Arkham Manor #6

On the trail of Seth Squickem!

At the end of this story, is Batman going to have to pony up a few million dollars to rebuild Arkham Asylum so that he can get his house back? Currently over in Batman, Bruce and Julia and Alfred are working out of an apartment in downtown Gotham. But that might be an imaginary tale, so this story could end differently. If Batman doesn't get his house back, I at least want to see a panel where he's taking a break searching for psychopaths to take a nice relaxing dump in his own toilet.

This issue begins with Harvey Bullock wasting time pretending to help Eric Border hunt down the escaped psychopaths that Batman isn't hunting down. Well, Batman is looking for one of them and he is one of them. So the only one Harvey needs to worry about is Sybil Silverlock. But she'll be dealt with in Gotham Academy so Harvey can just go get a danish and relax. And even though he doesn't know that that's what he can do, that's probably what he's planning on doing anyway. Right after he phones STAR Labs to have them pick up Jokerface.

Here is a page of Alfred eating cookies because awesome eating awesome is awesome.

The above scanned image is also important because Alfred is working on getting Wayne Manor back! I wonder if Alfred can figure out a way to get Arkham rebuilt in Metropolis. Let Superman deal with the psychos for awhile. Although Superman will probably just throw them in the Phantom Zone and Arkham will stand empty in just a few months.

Is anybody else disturbed that Batman and Superman and Green Lantern have places where they can just stick people that they disagree with and nobody will ever hear from them again? Shit, even Wonder Woman has the Labyrinth of monsters where she can shove enemies. I think Aquaman just feeds them to sharks when nobody is looking.

Batman is too busy to talk about real estate with Alfred because he's about to get in a big fight with Seth Wickham. Wickham is just a normal guy with schizophrenia who has recently murdered his parents. He's mentally ill and dangerous which means, I think, it's okay for Batman to send him to the emergency room.

Well shit. Kudos to Gerry Duggan for writing a Batman who actually considers how much force is needed to stop a threat and who thinks about the consequences of his actions.

Seth Wickham is taken back to Arkham where they deny him drugs for his schizophrenia and just let him think that he's dead as Jeremiah Arkham tries other methods of curing him. Probably. I think the only drugs used at Arkham are tranquilizers.

Later, Bruce tells Alfred that he's not going to challenge the city's takeover of Wayne Manor. Until the city can pay for construction of a new asylum, Bruce would rather let Arkham have his house instead of paying for a new asylum out of his own pocket. Besides, Batman has easy access to the new asylum and he probably even thinks it's more secure. At least Batman has the place wired so he can keep his eyes and ears on everything that goes on.

Arkham Manor #6 Rating: -2 Ranking. I'm dropping the ranking on this last issue because it just kind of petered out. Instead of ending with a great big twist or exciting revelation, it just kind of pulled a repeat and fade. You know how when a pop song doesn't know how to end so it just keeps repeating the same shit over and over while the volume steadily decreases until you don't realize the song ended so much as completely forget that a song had even been playing. Although here's an idea for this title! Now that everything is set up and Batman has a close eye on Arkham, this title can keep coming back with another new short story every one or two years. And just keep the numbering going! It's just that Issue #7 won't come out for another fifteen months and then it'll tell a story about The Scarecrow taking over the asylum and Batman having to pull the Jack Shaw identity out for another infiltration. It kind of feels like that's what they've set up here, doesn't it? I'm all for that.

Gotham Academy #6

How many Experience Points is Batman worth? I'd say he's about a 12 Hit Dice creature.

When's the last time anybody else has gone to a Fry's Electronics? When did soft soap, candy, and body pillows become "electronics"? That place is like walking into a flea market now. My favorite display is for the digital cameras. It's more empty spaces and security wires connected to nothing then it is cameras. Who would have guessed the cell phone market would kill the digital camera market?

Last issue ended with Maps and her friends hanging out with Killer Croc as he told them funny Batman stories. But then Batman dropped in because his Bat-Ears were burning and he was all, "Lies! Take it back! I never once said Jason Todd had it coming and I in no way financed that pub calling itself the Crow Bar!"

This is what happens when you talk about Batman behind his back.

While Maps heroically leads Pomeline and Colton to safety during the Batman/Killer Croc throwdown, Olive Silverlock stays behind to manifest some super powers. She ignites Colton's fireworks with the power of her mind. That might be conclusive proof that she is the one that burned down the North Hall last summer. Or it might just be proof that she time traveled.

With the North Hall burning around them (again!) and the ceiling about to cave in on top of Olive (again!), Killer Croc scoops Olive up and heads into the secret passage that Maps bravely retreated into to make sure it was clear. Batman remains behind in the fire because nothing can kill him. The kids get split up and Olive winds up alone with Croc. That's probably a good thing because now he can tell her secret stories about her mother.

Croc's cell was right across from Sybil's but none of his stories are, sadly, about her using the toilet in her cell. Instead he just mentions that she could be scary and when she was scary, she'd talk about how Gotham Academy and Arkham Asylum were connected by more than just tunnels. They're also connected to Wayne Manor too!

Croc leaves Olive at the edge of the swamp and disappears telling her she's always welcome to come visit him. Then she heads back to school to join up with this comic book's real main character, Maps.

I wonder when Maps's secret power will be revealed?

Later Batman appears to Olive so that he can lecture her. Why is Batman the favorite of so many people? He's a douchey killjoy buttpoo. And then after his lecture when Olive thinks she gets to ask him some questions, he does the fucking disappearing act. He's such a coward!

The next day, Pomeline and Olive (PomOlive?) give their Millie Jane Cobblepot report. It's all about how Millie Jane was made a captive of Arkham to ensure that she wouldn't expose the Cobblepot family secrets. She was kept in the building that's currently the girls' dorm. She later escaped using the secret tunnels but her freedom led to her death and the death of her father. In mysterious circumstances! Also she might not have died since she wasn't buried in the Cobblepot family tomb.

Then Colton arrives with a big clue to the mysterious symbol they've been seeing everywhere. The one with the "W" on top of the "M" denoting "Wayne Manor"? Well, Maps sees Colton's "A"s on his assignment and realizes the symbol could be an "A" with another "A" inverted on top of the first one. And that could stand for Arkham Asylum! Too bad they're wrong because the symbol was already shown at Wayne Manor when it was renovated to become Arkham Manor! But they're just junior detectives who have yet to begin the Trixie Belden World's Greatest Detective Home Course like I have. And anyway, Arkham Asylum, Wayne Manor, and Gotham Academy are all linked to some greater mystery anyway, so at least they're on the right track.

I hope they call their detective club "Maps'sses Dicks."

I think instead they're calling it Pizza Club which is stupid and dumb because it isn't what I suggested.

But wait! There's one of those "meanwhiles" I love to throw around my commentaries! This one involves Damian Wayne hunting down The Diary of Millie Jane Cobblepot and taking it back from Maps'sses Dicks. He does this because it was inscribed to Bruce from his mother Martha. Aww! And I thought Bruce was just being a pushy asshole when he tried to get the diary back from Olive! But the best part about the Meanwhile Epilogue is that Damian Wayne is being enrolled in Gotham Academy! Yay!

Stay away from Maps, you ten year old pervert!

Gotham Academy #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. What a twist! I never saw the Damian thing coming! Could this book get any better or any more like an episode of Degrassi Junior High? The good series with Caitlin and Joey and Snake and Wheels and The Zit Remedy. Although I'm not a hater about the new version with Drake and all the other people whose names I've forgotten (like the kid that gets shot in an alley and the kid that shoots Jimmy and the hot girl and the other hot girl and the hot boy and Liberty and the other hot boy) since I only watched it through the one time thanks to Netflix and its old fashioned method of sending disks through the mail. Degrassi the Next Generation is good stuff too but since I grew up alongside the first series, I have to love that one more. Gotham Academy really does need a theme song that I can play each month before I read it. DC Comics, get to work on that!

Secret Origins #11

John Constantine
The secret origin of John Constantine is that his father stuck his penis in John's mother's vagina and ejaculated at least one spermatozoa which managed to swim up John's mother's lady parts (like a uvula tube or something. It's all very complicated down there) and penetrate the cell wall of one of her eggs recently ejected from one of her ovaries. It's all very much like every single one of our origins. Except our parents weren't fucking in the middle of a pentagram with dead children stacked up all around them and old men and women in black robes chanting glowing words from sulfurous books bound in human skin. Okay, maybe not your parents. But I'm pretty sure mine did since I did go to Haman the Satanic Elementary School in Santa Clara, California.

To discover the actual secret origin of John Constantine, some more of those jerks in black robes have summoned a demon to tell them the tale. But Constantine doesn't want people knowing his origin so he put up a masking spell in case of a situation like this. That means the demon is going to tell hem three stories, only one of which is true.

Come on! Even The Phantom Stranger's origin wasn't this wishy washy! At least not for the reboot.

One of his origins has him burning toys out in the yard. My first year in college at Portland State University, I could easily have burned down the entire dormitory. I had some of that shitty Brute cologne that relatives that don't know you very well purchase when you begin to get to that age where they know you're starting to stink. The only thing it was ever good for was filling a peanut butter cap full of it, setting a Dungeons and Dragons miniature into the middle of the liquid, and setting the whole thing ablaze to watch the figure melt in horror. Other fun things I did in the dorm: stared down a muscular guy that was screaming at his girlfriend in the stairwell until he turned his wrath on me, wondered what that fucking smell in the hallway was (hashish, I later found out), watched a neighbor smoking pot throw up on himself as he told me about the cockroach corpses he'd found in his room, spent an awkward evening drinking wine with an older couple sharing the room next to me and possibly contemplating asking me to join them in a three way. There was probably also a lot of masturbating. I mean by other people! I told did it with a chick or something. Probably like eight of them!

I did more stuff too! But I don't have all day to type all the cool things I accomplished that first year of college! Sheesh!

All of his stories converge at the burning his family to death moment.

Later he may or may not have done some other magical things. Also he might have worn a tie or had orange hair or masturbated while resting his chin on the edge of a dirty toilet. None of that really mattered because, once again, his story converges on a moment in Newcastle when he lost the soul of a young girl to hell, damning himself and his mates to...well, to kind of feel bad about themselves or something. Unless he beat the demon and saved the girl. I think the one where he fails but goes crazy is his television secret origin. And the one where he defeats the beast is his New 52 secret origin. And the one where he has orange hair and the young girl's severed arm is some other origin. Maybe Preboot? I really should reread my old Constantine comics!

Oh? Then I guess I don't have to reread my old comics! Thanks, John!

John Constantine Secret Origin Rating: -1 Ranking. It wasn't really much of a secret origin, was it? His family burned to death and he had a major battle for the life of an innocent in Newcastle. Already knew that stuff! The other things were all possibilities and what-nots! The story could have at least mentioned why he can't remain in London without slowly dying. That was a thing, right? But if John says it doesn't matter, I guess it doesn't matter. But he could have mentioned that to DC Comics before they chose to feature him in a comic book called Secret Origins! Fucking rip-off is what this was!

Guy Gardner
Guy Gardner was this angry guy that didn't have any fear and was given a ring by the Green Lantern Corps because the rings don't have a very good interview process. They just fly up to a person and say, "Mister Jones of Sector Whatever, you have the ability to overcome great fear. Welcome to the Green Lantern Corps!" And then whatever sociopath it chose gets to wield the most powerful weapon in the universe! And that's how Guy Gardner was given more power than he deserved to have!

Fucking hell. Then why did I buy this fucking comic booK?!

When Guy Gardner was a boy, nobody loved him. Boo fucking hoo. Wah wah wah! First his mother died. World's tiniest violin much? Then his brother would beat him up on a regular basis. Does baby need a nappy? And then Guy broke his brother's arm while defending his sister so brother couldn't beat him up anymore. That meant it was dad's turn to punch him! God, I'm running out of sarcastic ways to point out how much I don't care!

Well, that makes up for all that bullshit then! Thanks for the mediocre apology! Those beatings are totally forgotten now!

What I think the story is hinting at is that Guy Gardner had a tough childhood.

The whole family became cops and everything was good again! Not really because Guy's father was still a miserable, bitter asshole and Guy actually cared what his father thought for some reason. Look, some people just wind up having assholes for relatives. You don't have to make excuses for them over and over again just to have them in your life. I wish more people realized how easy it is to cut an asshole out of your life even if they're related to you. It's possible it's not as easy for other people because other people feel love and emotions and connections and shit like that.

Eventually Guy Gardner becomes a Green Lantern because the Green Lantern Corps has some kind of fetish for human beings. You assholes do know there are millions of other inhabited planets in Sector 2814, right? You don't have to choose them all from Earth!

Guy Gardner has so much anger inside that he eventually becomes a Red Lantern. I'm trying to find some compassion for him but I just love to point out how cliche his past was and don't have the willpower to stop myself. I fear I may have gone too far but I hope I didn't. Um, greed.

Guy Gardner Secret Origin Rating: No change. This was just a recounting of all the shit Guy's been through so far in The New 52. For somebody who has been reading all of the books with Guy in it, this holds no surprises. I think. Maybe the brother beating the shit out of him was new. Anyway, it might have been enlightening for readers that haven't cared about Guy at all since the Reboot. But then why would they care about this story too?

Black Canary
Black Canary's secret origin is that she gained the power to scream people's heads off while working for Team 8. Unless it was Team 7. Six maybe? I forget how she gained the power but at the beginning of the Team 7 comic book, she didn't have any powers. And by the end of it when Gamorra sunk beneath the ocean, she had the power to scream. I think it had something to do with the Majestic Project. Unless it was something else. I don't really remember. But who cares about any of that since Grifter is in this story!

From Grifter's perspective, this panel is full of his own Narration Boxes.

This story takes place immediately following the destruction of Gamorra. Black Canary has chosen to get the fuck out of New Atlantis with the skull of Pandora instead of searching for Kurt's body lost somewhere in the chaos below. As she swats a few of Grifter's Narration Boxes out of her way and settles down in the seat next to Stever Trevor, she decides to have a Secret Origin flashback! That's when she remembers how she developed her secret powers due to secret experiments she agreed to submit to while on Team 7.

And then she becomes the lead singer of the band Ashes On Sunday! I know I skipped some parts but I don't think they were very important. Although I think she got the name of her band at Kurt's funeral where somebody's ashes were buried and it was probably Sunday.

The government (or whoever was in charge of Team 7) decides they need to make Dinah disappear but she disappears herself first. And that's basically why she's been on the run since the Reboot started. Or something.

Black Canary Secret Origin Rating: No change. I don't have anything more to add to the Black Canary stuff. Once again, it was mostly stuff told in other stories. I am glad that this is the final issue of Secret Origins though! The problem I've always had with DC's Secret Origin books is that the characters that I'm interested in, I already know everything they tell me (and they rarely try to tell the story in a new and interesting way). And the characters that I don't know anything about, I'm never interested in! Otherwise I'd already know their secret origins! DC's Who's Who was always a better way to approach the history of their characters. You get a lot more into one book and you can just summarize their stories and their powers without telling a story that's been told and rehashed dozens of times before. Good riddance, Secret Origins!

Batman and Robin #40

Please let something take over Aquaman's mind so that Damian can kick his ass!

Does everybody have their tear bibs on?! I feel an emotionally powerful father-son moment in the next twenty pages of comic book goodness! If I were a good writer, I would write about the time when I was thirteen years old and my father took me on a trip up to his sister's house up in the mountains outside of Truckee for a week. I'd talk about how he tried a number of times, out under the stars, to have a heart to heart talk with me about...well, who the fuck can remember? I just felt awkward and weird and didn't really have much to say. Years later, I look back on that trip and think that, quite possibly, he was trying to say goodbye to me. He had been an alcoholic for many years and his life was really falling apart. Either he felt he wasn't going to live much longer or, possibly, he had been contemplating suicide. Then again, having never asked him about the trip, it's possible he was just up there to score as much weed as possible from Cousin Bill (his nephew). At one point while at Bill's place, Cousin Troy (Bill's brother) stole one of Bill's Penthouse magazines while my dad and Bill were in a back room smoking pot. Before leaving Truckee, I stole the Penthouse from Troy and perused it for many years afterward. Porn was hard to come by back then and this was a major find! Although, come to find out later, it was child pornography. That was the Penthouse magazine that featured Traci Lords when she was sixteen. Luckily I was younger than she was so I don't think it was as illegal to own as all the other perverts who owned it! I threw it out (along with all of my other random porn magazines) when I went to college at seventeen. Because college! Who needs porn in college?! Only nerds and losers, that's who!

And, as it turns out, I did. Stupid college.

Um, anyway, the Justice League have found their way to Ghost Island which is under attack by one of the enemies of the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers.

Oh Superman! That only works for Billy!

While Robin battles the reject from an episode of Ultraman, he learns that he has heat vision like Superman! Well, not like Superman since Superman's heat vision comes from the solar energy stored in the vitreous humors in his eyeballs. Robin's heat vision must be the first inkling of an Omega Beam since his powers are from Apokolips. Robin slices off one of the monster's fists and then begins using the fist to punch the monster in the face because Damian is ten years old. There's nothing funnier to a ten year old than making somebody hit themselves with their own fist! Although the creature must regrow its hand or take it away from Damain and reattach it since a few panels later when it vomits pink puke on everyone, it's got both hands.

While the adults are gagging on monster vomit, Billy and Damian finish the monstrous robot off by shoving a radio tower through its head and calling down magic lightning to fry it.

Tomorrow's headlines: Captain Marvel: Childlike Man or Man to Keep Away From Your Child?

You know, I can still recall, clear as day in my mind's eye, some of the photos of Traci Lords from that Penthouse. Is that illegal?!

It turns out Batman set up this whole Monster Island fight to try to drain Robin of his powers. It was just a video game simulation with Cyborg controlling the robot. Is this the first time we really get to see Victor's love of video games? I guess Robin doesn't have super-hearing because he didn't hear Batman discuss the plan with the others while Robin waited in the back seat of the Batplane.

Back at Wayne Manor, Damian scarfs down a ton of food and passes out giving Alfred and Bruce some time alone to figure out what the fuck they are going to do with this kid.

I was just going to scan the bottom half of the page but then I wouldn't have a record of the finished family portrait which they all posed for so many issues ago.

The next morning, Damian wakes up and immediately gets a paper cut. Just like when Superman was human for the day! I guess paper cuts are shorthand for "this motherfucker ain't got no more motherfuckin' powers, bitches!" The second thing he does is fall out of the second story window trying to fly. Just like Superman 3000 from Justice League 3000! I guess falling out of a window because you thought you could fly is shorthand for "stupid dumb idiot moron!"

Bruce and Damian have one of those stupid father-son heart to heart talks that I've never experienced because I wasn't really paying attention when my father tried to have one with me that time I mentioned earlier. My dad was all, "Life...you know?" And then he lit a cigarette and I fidgeted uncomfortably while gazing at the stars through the tall trees. Then he was all, "Do you have any questions about it or anything?" And I kicked some pine cones and dry thistles and muttered, "No," while thinking, "I wonder what they're watching on television inside?" And then my dad probably asked me if I knew he loved me and I probably turned red and said, "Yeah." And then we sat in silence while he finished his cigarette before we headed back inside. Those heart to heart talks are stupid.

Bruce asks Damian if it's so bad that he's just Damian now and Damian says, "I guess not." Of course Damian guesses not! Damian already thinks Damian is the greatest super hero that ever lived, powers or no powers!

But then the Bat Signal interrupts and it's time for the Dynamic Duo to hit the streets yet again! Nobody hugs anybody but Batman does kind of freak Robin out by smiling like a lunatic while swinging around the city. And that's it!

Batman and Robin #40 Rating: +1 Ranking. It's interesting that this comic book ends right when the dynamic between this duo is finally at the most Batman and Robinesque of the entire series. This final page:

shows them finally comfortable and content with each other (and kind of Batman '66ish, no?). Batman is happy to have his son back with him, alive and normal. Damian is just as excited as he was on all of the early covers of this series where he's grinning ear to ear because he gets to go out and fight crime side by side with his dad. Throughout the beginning of the series, Batman was afraid he was going to lose Robin to Robin's al Ghul side. He was afraid to trust his son. Then he lost Damian when Damian proved himself to be as heroic as Batman had hoped he would be: learning that his son had the heart of a hero, learning that he could be allowed to trust his son, to have faith in his son's decisions, came at the expense of his son's life. Batman was nearly inconsolable having gained the son he knew Damian could be too late. And then once he brought Damian back to life, he had to contend with Damian's super powers. But they were actually a gift. They were a kind of litmus test to see if the lessons Damian learned while not having super powers stuck. And so Batman tested him on Ghost Island to find that his son could follow orders, and could maintain control of even Superman level powers, and could work well as a team with even somebody as annoying as Shazam (okay, that was a cheap shot. I would actually like to see a lot more of Billy and Damian hanging out together). And with Damian's powers now gone, Batman can finally feel happy and relaxed, having faith that his son will make him proud no matter what. In the end, Batman learned his son was actually a pretty good fucking kid. And, holy shit, that's kind of what my dad said to me that time in Truckee! That he was happy that I'd turned into a really neat and interesting person and that I was a pretty good kid.

Pshaw! As if he knew any better! I was about to steal Troy's Penthouse!