Infinity Man and the Forever People #5

This comic book has been cancelled. Perhaps it's time for DiDio to realize that nobody likes his writing. Or is interested in reboots of Jack Kirby's creations? Except The Demon! And DiDio had better keep his hands off of The Demon! Also Nocenti's hands! Keep her hands off of Etrigan too!

I've already done two commentaries, so don't expect me to actually try to be funny or perceptive while writing this one! You can probably still expect me to be rude and belligerent though. Those don't take much effort.

Last issue ended with Guy Gardner realizing some of those asshole New Gods were vacationing on his planet. Since he's recently learned that those guys are total dicks, he's decided to kick them off of Earth for good. And maybe cancel their comic while he's at it, even if it takes his with it! Which it will! Because Red Lanterns has been canceled too! Probably because DC knows they don't have a deep enough roster of good writers to take over for Charles Soule. I mean, they could stick Nocenti on it. I'd actually be intrigued by her version! I'm sure she could figure out how to arc weld some random philosophy that has nothing to do with the Red Lanterns' reason for existence onto the hood of their organization.

I don't know if the last sentence of that last paragraph was a mixed metaphor or just random nonsense.

The issue begins with a meeting of New Genesis's version of Scientology. Or any other religion you can think of in the place of Scientology. They're all the same. This one believes that Darkseid and Highfather are huge dicks that probably shouldn't have killed their father and all of the Old Gods in the first place. Things have just gone downhill from there. But some priest guy has declared that he's the reincarnation of Yuga Khan, Darkseid and Highfather's Higherfather. It's all the standard religious rhetoric that causes needy and desperate fools to join up and ignore their one chance at true happiness in life. Although I suppose everything about life and reality is illusion anyway, so who cares what anybody wants to believe? As long as they don't expect me to believe in it as well, good for them. Also, they should stop believing that my belief that their beliefs are stupid bullshit is something I can't be allowed to believe. Go fuck yourselves.

"They think they've come to Earth to teach us wisdom. But they'll be surprised at how much they have to learn! -- Movie Poster Ad Copy for the upcoming New Gods Teen Romp Flick.

Guy Gardner and the New Gods battle on the beach for a few pages. I suppose it's more entertaining than if they'd exchanged a bunch of dick pics. Maybe. Eventually Mark Moonrider steps up to knock out Guy Gardner in one punch. Or Moonblast. Whatever his stupid super power is.

But before the New Gods can throw Guy Gardner in a Miracle Prison, Guy's reinforcements arrive!

I didn't know an Xbox One could become a Green Lantern!

Infinity Man and the Forever People Rating: This comic book makes no sense. I guess it's the result of DC needing to fill 52 slots every month (at least as often as they can. Counting the weekly titles as four books per month (and sometimes five, the bastards!), I think the current count of titles is 55 or something. Math is hard). If they're going to publish comic books that nobody is interested in reading, they should just begin titles with names like "Dan Smith, Resident of the Multiverse" or "Pam Washington, Data Entry Specialist." You could remind everybody that these mundane characters are part of DC Continuity by occasionally having Superman seen flying by through a window, or a news report on television mentioning Batman. It could be just as entertaining as this hogwash! To be fair, that's how I feel about this comic book in general. I actually kind of enjoyed Guy's appearance here. I'm a sucker for Infinity Man and the Forever People's gratuitous guest appearances! Next month I'll probably enjoy it because of B'dg and the Xbox One Lantern!

Star Spangled War Stories #4

Dead comic walking!

That wasn't a zombie joke! That was a joke about how this comic book has already been canceled. Although I guess that kind of makes it a zombie joke as well! Maybe I shouldn't try to control every aspect of how a reader is going to interpret what I write? I should just accept that once I let my baby loose into the world, it's going to get slaughtered by a bunch of rabid, asshole internet trolls. My poor, poor, stupid baby.

Last issue ended with GI Zombie being overwhelmed by other zombies, so this issue begins with a military helicopter evacuation of a wounded soldier. Totally makes sense. It's about time this comic book acknowledged the "war story" part of its name. It's the only reason I keep buying it! I love my war stories! They show human beings at their best and their worst! Mostly Americans at their best and everybody else at their worst! Plus people blow up constantly and get shot in the face! They're always full of tanks and battleships and Nazi War Wheels and dinosaurs and General Ghosts and GI Zombies! Just like real war!

I also love war comics because I'm a huge patriot and a big supporter of war. If you don't support war, you're a freedom hating communist and I'll have nothing to do with you. You probably just want to burn my flag and call it "freedom of speech" instead of what it really is: treason of the highest order! Do you know those flags represent dead soldiers?! How dare you burn a flag and not hurt anybody at all in protest? I should fucking shoot you in the face with my gun that I'm constitutionally allowed to have, you hippie!

On a lighter note, the United States of America's government is full of idiots. And, let's face it, they really are mostly on the Republican side. Almost exclusively, for that matter! Remember when they wasted everybody's time trying to get a constitutional amendment to make it illegal to burn flags? What a huge fucking waste of time. Assholes. Stop caring about stupid shit that doesn't matter to anybody at all! If you really wanted hippies to stop burning flags, why didn't you just manufacture them so they're full of CFCs?! That would have stopped them damn hippies in their tracks! And remember how they spent all that fucking time acting as if a blow job were the end of the world? Prudes! Also, remember just recently how the Republicans basically held our country hostage until they got what they wanted? For eight years?! And now they've been rewarded for it? Apparently they've figured out the political strategy for doing whatever they Goddamn please. Act like a victim, throw a tantrum, do nothing. Thanks a lot, Fox News and every fucking moron in this country! Why aren't we rebelling against the Republicans with all of these guns they've allowed us to keep?!

Not that I care about the political system. I'm an anarchist! I cross the street against the light all the time! You can't keep me down with your "laws"!

Awesome! Go America!

Oh wait! That was an American helicopter exploding! Who is writing this comic book? A bunch of San Francisco liberal hippie drug takers?!

The helicopter explosion was a flashback to that time when Tiffany was in the war in whatever country America was invading (all of them?). She survived and now likes to dream about the event and wake up screaming. Then she brushes her teeth and goes back to bed to dream about it some more.

It's okay if you don't remember who Tiffany is. I don't think that's her real name anyway! She's not important to the story. It's not like she's a zombie or anything, right?

"Just shut up and do what you're told, hero!"

GI Zombie runs for his unlife like a huge coward. He climbs up on a roof so he can watch the military murder everybody in town from the air with napalm. He just hangs out up there being the worst, most boring protagonist of a war comic book ever. The next day, Gravedigger brings in more military to clean up and GI Zombie finally climbs down from his hidey-hole.

Why bother with a biological weapon that isn't airborne?! And why use a bomb to disperse it if it isn't airborne? Seems like a bullshit delivery system to me!

Meanwhile somewhere else, Tiffany or Carmen or whatever enjoys a spa day.

Star Spangled War Stories Featuring G.I. Zombie Rating: How do you write a comic book about war in which nothing fucking happens?! The most excitement in the entire story was that helicopter blowing up and it was a flashback. I suppose the zombie suicide truck driver was supposed to make the reader forget that nothing exciting was happening. But then when GI Zombie and Gravedigger react to it in the same way they'd react to seeing a dog piss on a hydrant, it kind of loses its edge. This comic book should end with a zombie cat infecting an actual DC Super Hero like Aquaman or Cyborg. Then have them in the Justice League for months while nobody even notices that they've turned into a zombie.

That conclusion made me realize why comic books probably aren't written for me. I think all the stories I want to see, which would be ridiculous in their own way, would be hated and reviled by comic book fans who seem to accept the nonsense and bullshit that is standard comic book fare that makes my head explode. Stupid comic books. We need to get a divorce!

Sinestro #7

Last Lego cover! Fuck you, Lego! You have the aesthetic of a rotting platypus!

It's true. Lego based all of their design ideas on a rotting platypus they keep sealed in a vault in Lego Headquarters. You might be thinking, "But Tess! Surely, rotting platypuses aren't blocky and trying too hard to be cutesy!" My response is, "Fuck you! I'm busy."

Recently in Godhead, Highfather was being a total dick. The Lantern Corpses (is that the plural of corps? It's hard to tell since Spell Check accepts it as corpses!) were all, "Stop it! Be nice! Stop taking our rings!" And Highfather was all, "Shut up, you mortal babies. Do you want Darkseid sticking his dick in your planet? No? Then give me all of the rings." And the Lanterns, especially the ones from Earth, were all, "Obviously you've never met humans before, bitch! We never give up and we always say tough things in the face of death and we're like the only species that loves unconditionally who believe that no other species loves unconditionally which makes us totally special and shit." Then Highfather beat them all down until they hid in the Anti-Matter Universe sucking their thumbs and blubbering.

Now it's Sinestro's chance to turn the war around and be the hero he thinks he is.

I wonder what's happening with the rest of the universe without its unasked for cosmic police force ignoring their made-up job? Getting along pretty good, are they?

First part of Sinestro's plan: act creepy.

In the first panel of this comic book, a bunch of Lanterns kidnapped by Highfather were in the background. I didn't immediately comment on them because they all had their Lantern Insignias tattooed on their foreheads and that seemed weird. But now on Qward, there are Indigo Lanterns in the background with their insignia on their forehead. Which is still weird. Anyway, one of Highfather's captives was blue and it wasn't Saint Walker so did somebody screw up? Or is Highfather already busy making his own army of Lanterns to kick Darkseid's ass? I think somebody screwed up because we've seen that when Highfather turns somebody into one of his soldiers, he definitely outfits them in some kind of Kirby costume. I think the captured Red and Blue Lanterns in that scene should have been yellow. And only the Indigo should have the stupid tattoo on their foreheads.

Sinestro isn't the only Lantern that wants a chance to prove themselves as leader! John Stewart has a plan as well!

This plan is worse than the acting creepy plan!

I would accept that this plan made sense except DC has already established in just about every Lantern comic book that space travel takes no time at all. Not for Green Lanterns. Not for Red Lanterns. Not for Superman (except the one time he had to travel all the way back from the Preboot Universe after defeating Brainiac). Not for the Authority. Not for Lobo. Not for Batman. Everybody might as well already be teleporting! The only time the Lanterns can't travel somewhere instantly is if the plot depends on it and then I'm told I have to believe this bullshit. And I try! I really do try! But then a Ring Bearer will pull a lantern out of a pocket dimension and my head explodes.

Doesn't the Green Lantern Corps have a "Human" Resources Department to provide sensitivity training to its members?

How can you protect everybody in the universe if you can't respect those that don't look like you, Arisia, you stupid orange skinned, pointy eared girl!

A fight breaks out between the Green and Yellow Lanterns and lasts for quite a few pages. I guess Cullen Bunn wasn't allowed to advance the Godhead plot on his own so he was told to vamp it up this month. The pacing on these huge crossovers never runs very smoothly. I think DC tends to over commit when doing the outline and then always realizes they don't need as many issues as they planned to tell the story.

Somebody could have at least told the artists which hand Arkillo was missing though.

Sinestro's Creepy Plan culminates in Bekka being offered a Yellow Lantern Ring. Why she'd want something less powerful than a stick, I can't say. But it seems like Highfather is going to lose this battle due to a lack of loyalty. Although I'm still hoping Kyle sits down with him and introduces him to popcorn and Wargames.

Highfather: "I...I...I get it! Darkseid is the Xs and I'm the Os!"

After everybody calms down, Stewart and Sinestro gather their forces to ambush a New God and steal the New God's Mother Box. But Indigo-1 betrays them for some reason (probably out of Compassion), and teleports them right into Orion's clutches.

Sinestro #7 Rating: How did this comic book escape cancellation in the recent batch of cancellations?! Sinestro must have more loyal fans than I would have ever guessed. I used to be one of those fans although, admittedly, only because of Challenge of the Superfriends. But this comic book has cured me of that! Sinestro is a boring prig that can't stop pining over Hal Jordan. Move on already! Go find somebody that will love you back!

Red Lanterns #36

Guy Gardner should be the next DC character to get a television show.

This would be my pitch for a Guy Gardner television show. Each episode would be two interweaving stories of equal length. One would be about Guy Gardner as a preteen kid growing up in Boston living with his drunk cop father that loves him less than the other kids. The theme of that story will tie in to the theme of the story of Guy Gardner as an adult as he deals with becoming a Green Lantern. The adult Guy Gardner will come off as a complete dick so that if you only had access to the adult part of the story, you couldn't find any reason to like him at all. But the childhood story would reveal why he's acting so angry or cocky or bitter in the face of the current episodic problem he's dealing with as an adult. I think it would be a tough show to write because I'd really want Guy as an adult to be completely unlikable on his own yet his younger self would be irresistibly charming and innocent as he tries to navigate his harsh world. The audience couldn't help but root for his younger self which would, unless they're total monsters, lead them to eventually feel sympathy towards, and maybe even learn to understand and actually like, adult Guy Gardner. And I don't mean some trite shit like showing Guy abused and then we have to realize Guy is abusive because of his childhood trauma. I mean shit like young Guy sees his father constantly take it in the ass (figuratively) by some officious jerks in the department driving his father to drink too much and run over the family dog. So then adult Guy meets up with an officious, bureaucratic alien race which drives him to drink every time he has to deal with them and then purposefully running speeding through one of the alien races dog parks and squashing a bunch of their furry friends. See? You'd hate that Guy! But maybe you'd understand him a little bit through the childhood story!

Guy Gardner has always been one of those characters I've always felt particularly close to. I love that he's got the heart of a true hero and realizes that the bottom line when saving the day isn't that you're well liked. He's got a lot of rough edges that keep people from being close to him and, tragically or not, he seems to be most comfortable within those rough edges. Why else would he be growing out that mustache?

I've been unconsciously wanting a buddy comic with these two guys. Probably! It was unconscious so I can't be totally sure of it.

Simon Baz, peacemaker, and Guy Gardner, Bar Room Brawl Starter, have a short discussion about what to do next. Guy feels like he should die battling gods and Simon Baz thinks Guy should not die battling people that just think they're gods but cannot compare to Allah, true light of mercy and redemption. They'll probably compromise and either not die battling gods, or die battling people that think they're gods.

Over on New Genesis, Malhedron brings up a good point about the cosmic cold war between New Genesis and Apokolips.

Somebody get Highfather a copy of Wargames pronto!

Simon and Guy (they should open a business together. "Simon and Guy's Bagels." Or, um, something) visit Cyborg because Cyborg has the technology to transport them to New Genesis. But Cyborg, being young, is still holding a grudge against Simon Baz for trying to save the world by beating up the Justice League when Superman and Wonder Woman were first starting to get freaky. But he doesn't even know Guy!

How can you not like Guy's response to this?! I hate people that hate Guy Gardner! Hate is a strong word but I think it's called for in this instance.

Hal is a douche, Vic. Don't trust that idiot! Trust Simon and Guy! They're the lanterns you're going to have to deal with on a semi-regular basis from now on. Anyway, when was the last time Hal was around to help the Justice League? That asshole completely abandoned you guys!

Victor wants no part in sending Simon and Guy to New Genesis via his BOOM Tube technology. I think maybe they need to make a call to Alfred Pennyworth! Is this issue going to end with Victor waking up on the floor woozy from the cyber-drugs and thinking, "Not again!"

Simon Baz threatens to shut down STAR Labs and put Vic's dad out on the street. And instead of Vic saying, "Good! Fuck that asshole!" he says, "*grumble mumble rumble* Fine."

Simon and Guy (I can't not type that without picturing them flying down the streets of San Francisco in a gold Chevy Nova) don't trust the Justice League to take care of the Earth while they're gone, so they bring in some outside Lantern help.

Someday, B'dg is going to snap, gather up all the Green Lanterns in his cheeks, and look cute as all hell!

Simon and Guy request that Cyborg BOOM Tube them somewhere out of the way on New Genesis. I think that's the kind of request you make to people that you haven't just threatened. So I don't think it's a mistake or a miscalculation or an accident on Victor's part that he BOOM Tubes Simon and Guy directly on top of Malhedron and Dia. The fact that Mal and Dia were currently naked and about to BOOM Tube their own selves is just a happy coincidence.

The good thing, which Simon and Guy don't realize at the time, is that Malhedron, originally from Apokolips, is beginning to question Highfather's need to defeat Darkseid at the cost of everything else in the universe. I still think a copy of Wargames would help him understand what he's doing is wrong.

In the moment (because Malhedron needs time to recognize allies!), Mal and Dia try to kill Simon and Guy. But Highfather stops them. I guess Highfather likes to watch Mal and Dia fuck so he was alerted to the Lantern invasion as soon as it happened. He orders Mal to put Simon and Guy in a Miracle Prison where they shall be interrogated by Malhedron. That's when he'll realize these guys are his allies!

Red Lanterns #36 Rating: This is one of my favorite comics but it only became so after Charles Soule began writing it. Or after Guy Gardner joined. It's hard to separate the two, really! This comic book had such a hard time finding its voice that I'm nervous about what's going to happen to it once Soule leaves DC for good to go be a stupid dumb dumb head over at Marvel. I like to embrace my bitter, wounded, oft betrayed inner child!

Aquaman #36

The worst thing on this Lego cover is not the Lego or the reused Zero issue cover!

Last issue, Arthur had discovered that the corpse of his mother was missing from her tomb. It's possible her body was never actually interred in the tomb since her tomb was left unguarded at the bottom of the ocean without any means of repelling anybody or anything that wanted to gain access to it. But since this is a comic book, it probably means that Atlanna never actually died. Or she's been resurrected as a Black or White Lantern.

Aquaman, realizing he needs a mystery solved, brings in help in the form of J'onn J'onzz. Batman is going to be so pissed when he hears about this.

Batman: "Is his nickname 'The World's Greatest Detective'? No, it's not! It's 'Martian Manhunter'! What if the culprit isn't a man, hunh? How is he going to solve The Mystery of the Missing Murdered Mother?!"

To help investigate the years old cold case of Atlanna's assassination, Shin and Evans are brought in to help with their "scientific" theories of Atlantis.

Just because you can think up a theory doesn't make it science. The "unique nature of the landmass" enables it to record the "souls" of the departed? Sounds like wacky doodle hoodoo to me!

Vulko tells the story of the night Atlanna was assassinated which allows Martian Manhunter to telepathically link with the unique landmass. Some more hokum that passes for science (more like seance, amirite?) takes place and Aquaman learns that his mother faked her death to escape with some unknown people she had been protecting. And then J'onn loses the ability to learn anymore because that would end the story too soon. Although I bet Batman would have had it all wrapped up by now.

Doctor Evans, being the authority on the shape of holes and determining what object should be placed inside the hole, declares that they should put a key in a hole. They did that last issue when they learned about the psychic residue trapped in the city of Atlantis. So they try it again and this time, all of the psychic energy fills up J'onn J'onnz and he attacks Arthur while declaring that the king must be killed.

Fucking Doctor Evans! Can people stop this guy from putting things in other things and creating disasters?!

J'onn begins to kick everybody's ass and Aquaman thinks, "Why didn't I hire Batman for this job?"

Oh yeah! That's why he hired J'onn! Because, unlike Batman, Martian Manhunter has a weakness!

J'onn did pick up a clue or two while being overwhelmed by spirits. He saw the image of a large portal and heard the word "maelstrom." I guess that means Aquaman is on the trail of yet another of the seven lost tribes of Atlantis!

Aquaman #36 Rating: Once again, Aquaman didn't stop anybody from eating anything. He's really slacking off. I don't think Aquaman is interesting enough to keep starring in these big, epic Atlantis stories. I just want to see him make fish fight his battles and wear octopuses on his head!

Catwoman #36

Stupid Lego. Don't they know Catwoman never keeps her catsuit fully zipped?

The worst part about these Lego covers are the Lego characters. The next worst part is that they're recycling the covers from the Zero issues. So those images in the background are a traumatic reminder of when Ann Nocenti took over this comic book and pissed in fan's faces for two years.

Selina Kyle has put away the cat suit to become the head of the Calabrese crime family. She's been busy trying to get the crime families to pool some of their income in an effort to make the underworld a safer, more profitable place to do business in Gotham. I think she understands the importance of doing illegal business that is just under the radar of The Batman. But the Black Mask doesn't like what he's seeing. Unless he doesn't like something else, like maybe Selina is stealing his shit or cutting into his profits or marking his turf or vomiting hairballs into his shoes. I might understand it better if I wasn't still confused about all that Elizabeth I talk from last issue!

There's also a new Catwo-Man in town!

The old Catwo-Man busies herself with meeting crime bosses and smiling politely in that threatening manner that proves she's the best crime boss in the room. Everybody is wearing suits instead of costumes. It's a very confusing comic book to read. Who is the bad guy? Where are the tough one-liners? How come nobody has yet said, "Is that all you've got?" At least Black Mask has the decency to wear that stupid mask so I feel like I'm reading a comic book.

I think these are the bad guys! Ask-a-lot, Incorporated! Unless it's Ocelot, Inc!

I could never write a story like this. All the intrigue involved in businesses and construction and the criminal underworld and corrupt cops and politicians. It's all a bunch of stuff that I would find too boring to research to make a credible story out of it. I suppose some people find this kind of thing fascinating which lends to being curious enough about it that they follow this kind of shit in the real world. As long as it can be made into a fascinating Catwoman story, I'm all for it. You know, the way Charles Soule made practicing law fun over in She-Hulk. Or the way John Grisham made clerking in a law firm seem as exciting as battling spies except with copiers and billing reports! If I were going to write an exciting story about the things that I hold near and dear to my heart, it would revolve around candy and masturbation.

Who are all these strange named people that keep getting mentioned now in this comic book? Come on, Genevieve! Talk about something I understand! Kit-kats! Butterfingers! Is Sforza a chocolate bar? Is Borgia a powdered candy? Is Elizabeth I a British version of Chunky?

This comic book has gotten too highbrow for me! What happened to all of the Guillem March ass and tit shots?! This book is going to lose its Teen Plus Rating if it can't find its way back to the gutter! I mean, as long as Ann Nocenti isn't writing it, I'm happy! I don't mind pretending to recognize the historical, art history, and literary allusions scattered about the comic book as long as it means I don't have to read anymore awkward dialogues written by that monster!

I suppose if I were paying for Showtime, I might know more about this stuff!

I mean, of course I already know all about Caterina Sforza! She was, um, an Italian noblewoman, the illegitimate daughter of Galeazzo Maria Sforza, Duke of Milan and Lucrezia Landriani, the wife of the courtier Gian Piero Landriani, a close friend of the Duke. Who doesn't know that?!

On a side note, does anybody know how to edit a Wikipedia page so that a person (not me! My, um, cousin!) can change the wording of something on Wikipedia so that it reads differently than the text that they've recently copied and pasted from it? Just, you know, wondering. For a friend! I mean, my cousin!

Speaking of Caterina Sforza and Wikipedia as I just did, I want to mention this bit from the Wikipedia that I read many, many years ago and didn't just read trying to learn about this Sforza character! This is the bit copied directly from Wikipedia:

The Orsis believed Caterina because she left her children as hostages, but once inside she let loose a barrage of vulgar threats and promises of vengeance against her former captors. According to a legend, when they threatened to kill her children, she exposed her genitals from the fortress walls and said: "Ho con me lo stampo per farne degli altri!." ("I have the mold to make more!")

I guess this history stuff isn't as highbrow as I'd first thought! Also, is that the proper way to provide the translation of a quote in another language? Does Chicago agree with that style? Just wondering! I'm not saying it's right or wrong! What do I know? I don't even know what Cesare Borgia had against Caterina Sforza!

Forget all of that previous nonsense! I should probably mention that Selina Kyle agrees to distribute heroin for the Hasigawa family in exchange for using their ports to ship guns out of Gotham City. Eiko Hasigawa seems disturbed that Selina agrees to this proposition. I guess they won't become best friends any time soon! At least not until Eiko realizes that Selina has no intention of distributing heroin in Gotham.

One of Selina's right hand cousins has been leaking information to Detective Alvarez who suddenly thinks he's going to bring the Gotham criminal underworld to its knees all by himself. But Selina doesn't mind because she wants the shipment of heroin nabbed by the cops. Then she gets what she wants without hurting Gotham City. And all she has to do is pretend she doesn't know anything! That's my favorite play too! That way, when you really don't know something, it seems like maybe you do know that something because you've spent so much time pretending you don't know things that you obviously do know about!

And then the new Catwo-Man pays Selina a visit. And the new Catwo-Man is...Eiko! I probably guessed that in my sleep and then forgot I'd guessed it.

Come on! That Robin waiting list line is a killer!

And finally, Nick Calabrese, Selina's traitorous cousin, is nabbed by The Black Mask. Which probably means trouble for somebody or something. I mean besides just Nick!

Catwoman #36 Rating: More Caterina Sforza! Less Lucretia Borgia! But even if that doesn't happen, I'm more than happy with this change to the comic book. It's a strange direction to go with Selina Kyle, but why not? It just needs at least one scene between Selina and Batman each issue. Or now, maybe between Batman and Eiko! I hope Batman and Eiko accidentally fuckfight next issue!

Superman #36

These Lego covers have made my comic book collection completely worthless! You know, even more worthless than it was before.

The last few issues, Superman and Ulysses have been running through parks holding hands, making daisy chains to put in Ulysses magnificent hair and to cover Superman's growing bald spot, hiding in the bushes comparing penises, rolling around on the grass giggling about girls, and all those other things two young boys in the throes of friendship never actually do.

Throes might not be the right word here! Although isn't making friends as difficult and painful as birthing a child? It must be or else why have I not made a new friend in nearly fifteen years? Maybe that's not entirely true. I think the actual hard part of friendship is maintaining a relationship that you enjoy long enough to think of it as a friendship. That takes so much effort! You have to get dressed and showered to leave the house. You have to endure weather and strangers. You have to experience other points of view which might call into question beliefs you've held and cherished for many, many years! It's a horrifying and life-altering process that I'd simply rather just avoid. Just like I'd rather avoid childbirth! And death! And all manner of things that might pull me out of my comfort zone like a bomber crippled by flak! That's actually a pretty clever simile since flak can mean both antiaircraft fire and strong criticism!

If any agents are reading this, I've got plenty more wayses with words just like that! I'm working on a novel called "Too Clever By Far." I was thinking of subtitling it "The Story of the Person Carrying This Book" to really sell a lot of oversized editions that can be read by strangers from far away. Maybe it can even come with a fake pair of glasses in a secret compartment in the back of the book! And that compartment will pad the book to make it look much thicker than it really is, thus making the person reading it look that much smarter!

So basically, Ulysses doesn't like hard work.

Ulysses comes from a planet that has no violent conflict at all. Perhaps it never had but it's probably more likely that the populace of the planet decided to stop poking each other with sporks all by themselves many, many centuries before Ulysses arrived. Either way, that paved the way to make Ulysses' work much easier once he arrived on his adopted planet. But now he moves and he finds he can't get any peace and quiet to pursue his grand work because his roommates are wild, drunken louts that thrive on conflict. Well, Ulysses, you know what I have to say about that? Go fuck yourself! Run away! Get the fuck out of here! You're nothing! You want to be a savior then you have to put in the hard fucking work, you asshat! You didn't see Jesus taking the easy way out and only bringing his message to the Sadducees and Pharisees where he would have been able to dine on the best flesh and drink the most expensive blood! No! He palled around with dirty ass guys that probably smelled like two week old dingleberries! He brought his message to the poor and the leprous and the sexy, sexy sex workers (who also probably smelled like two week old dingleberries). You want to be a savior? You save the people that need saving! You don't just decide that saving them would be too difficult. Jerko.

Has anybody checked to see if Ulysses has a recipe book with a section for serving "humans"?

Ulysses is making a huge mistake here. Just accepting the first six million people to arrive at the landing site? Shouldn't he be doing background checks? He's probably going to wind up with six million criminals running from the law or running to a world that doesn't know how to fight back! And if he is gathering people for his homeworld to eat, shouldn't he refuse to bring skinny, malnourished cattle aboard his Meals on Wheels spaceships?

Superman decides to confront Ulysses. The conversation goes something like this:

Superman: "You're wrong!"
Ulysses: "You are!"

There's no time to pack! Six million people without possessions will beat you to the ship! And he'd better not kick off two people to make room for his parents because that seems like something that might spark violence!

To settle disputes about who can get into Ulysses Space Ark, Ulysses brought along two alien bouncers from his home world. But they don't bounce violently! They just gently shove people away by placing their huge, muscular tentacles against the tiny human bodies and shove them politely away with loads and loads of kindness.

Ulysses tells his parents that they can't come on the trip with him because who wants their parents living on the same world as they are? Back off, mom and dad! Can't a guy live his own life on his own terms without you guys butting in constantly with your judgments and your nitpicking and your petty reminders of how awful I was while growing up?! Um. Anyway, I think he doesn't want to bring them along because it would be weird to eat your own parents.

I don't really think his people are going to eat them. Obviously Geoff Johns would play on the Twilight Zone episode "To Serve Man" because it's such a cultural touchstone for nerds, but he's not going to blatantly steal the entire plot! Which is why I think the humans will wind up being pets and/or sex slaves.

Now I've got Porno For Pyros stuck in my head.

Ulysses begins punching Superman which, and correct me if I'm wrong, disqualifies him for making the trip back to his home world.

That was a joke! Obviously the residents of The Great World want non-violent people to journey to their homes so they won't put up any fight when they're outfitted with sparkly collars with cute little name tags (with phone numbers in case they get lost!) and/or sexy lingerie. But they need a violent piece of shit like Ulysses to maintain control of their six million new residents.

Ulysses defeats Superman and lets him in on a little secret: he's done this kind of thing before on other worlds. Maybe people are fuel for running his home planet?! Planets also always need people to pick fruit and work the drive-thru of fast food restaurants, so maybe that's what he needs all the Earthlings for. I suppose we'll find out next issue when Superman takes a trip to the Fourth Dimension! Read that last bit out loud while speaking into a microphone that provides echo effects.

Superman #36 Rating: It's about time this comic book was worth reading. Thank you, Geoff Johns, for finally realizing that you can't just put any crappy, piece of shit writer on one of DC's flagship titles. Although I think we should all engage in a letter writing campaign to demand DC Comics apologizes for letting a hack like Scott Lobdell write their most important character for so long. Was nobody at DC Comics reading what Scott Lobdell was passing off as entertainment? Seriously, Geoff Johns. You owe your fans a long-winded, forced, insincere public apology! Immediately, sir!