Deathstroke #1

I'm already disappointed with this book.

I can't help but feel like I'm going to be reading one of the shittiest books of the New 52 in just a few seconds. And just to put Mr. Daniel at ease, only a small percentage of my doom and gloom attitude comes from knowing that he's writing the book. Also, Mr. Daniel, have you ever thought about just adding an "s" to your last name?

My pessimism lies mostly in what DC Comics did to Deathstroke during his first series. They changed his motivation, over and over again. They changed his family dynamic, and how his family died, and how his children related to one another. What was true in Higgins run was not true in Liefeld's run and changed yet again during Jordan's run. And then, to top it all off, the Villains Month issue rearranged Slade Wilson's life one final time. I guess the best I can hope for is that DC's editorial just told Tony S. Daniel to write Slade however the fuck he wanted to write him, and to just make up an entirely new history for him. Let's all just pretend that the previous versions of Slade were clones from the Marvel Universe and the real Slade Wilson has finally arrived to kick butt and slit throats.

Although I will allow for one story of Deathstroke's to remain canon! That was his appearance in the short lived Green Team. That may have been his best characterization in The New 52. Even his role in Forever Evil didn't make any sense!

Oh, and I hope Mr. Daniel doesn't just steal ideas from the television show Arrow! That's a whole separate universe and that Slade wouldn't work in this universe, okay?! Okay. Let's read this shit.

After page one, a significantly higher portion of my doom and gloom attitude can now be attributed to Tony S. Daniel's writing.

Fuck. I like Deathstroke best when he's an amoral mercenary, taking jobs to earn money and increase his reputation as the greatest killer for hire the DC Universe has ever seen. I don't want to see Slade Wilson as a good guy. Granted, if I respected Mr. Daniel's writing ability (although how can I after what he did to Detective Comics and Hawkman?), I might expect Slade to still do really horrible and reprehensible things while he believes he's acting toward the greater good. But I don't respect Mr. Daniel's writing enough to allow for that possibility. I think he plans on making Slade take jobs where he kills bad people but no evidence will exist that the people he kills are bad. So he'll still have a terrible reputation amongst the heroes that would love to put a stop to him while still feeling his actions are justified in his own mind.

I also predict at least two double-splash page spreads during this issue! It's highly likely I'll see my first one as I turn to page two!

Nope. Just a whole lot more Narration Boxing so that the reader can understand Slade's motivations clearly. Wouldn't want to make up our own minds on what side of the moral line we think he works on. Best to hear it straight from him so we know what we're supposed to think of his actions. He's a good guy!

More explanatory bullshit. Some might use the phrase "setting the stage." But when I go to the theater, I expect the stage to already be set when the curtain opens.

Three pages in and I'm wondering why I'm not playing Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare! Here's what I've learned so far in the most boring manner possible. Deathstroke is the world's deadliest assassin. Slade isn't going to hide from that. Slade loves his job. Dead men don't talk. Slade loves adventure. Slade thinks he's a good guy. Slade has friends all over the world. Slade knows a guy named Tiggs but won't tell anybody, ever, that Tiggs' name is Tiggs. Slade hates technology (although he probably loves weapon technology!). Putin hates Deathstroke. Deathstroke knows a woman in Russian named Angelica. Angelica likes to work hard and party harder. Slade is missing one eye.

That's a lot to have learned in three pages, right?! Sure. But that's what happens when 50% of every panel is composed of Narration Boxes.

And then Pages 4 and 5 have the Double Splash! Oh, I knew Tony S. Daniel couldn't resist a good waste of space during the credits! Although for once, he actually utilizes the space well by placing a number of panels over the top of the double page spread. So technically, it's not a double page splash since he still gets some panels in there to work on the story. But come on! It's still two full pages of a cityscape with Deathstroke jumping across the skyline. I guess he's falling out of a plane?

Is this a Dark Knight Returns homage?

Deathstroke kills a bunch of people and also says, "Location. Location. Location." Just so you know he's heard phrases that are often used as not really funny punchlines but recognizable enough that people think they just heard a joke. He also kills a lot of people at each location. But just so the reader knows he's not killing willy-nilly, Slade lets the last guy go because he's "not on Slade's list."

Here's one of the problems with writing a Deathstroke comic: he's the best at what he does. So it's very difficult to create tension and to find a conflict that truly challenges Deathstroke. It's very similar to the problem writers of Superman face. Now, the weaker writers challenge Superman by having him face a creature that is more powerful than he is. They slug it out for awhile until Superman, having said, "That actually hurt!", barely winds up on top. Deathstroke suffers from the same problem but usually somebody is shooting lots and lots of bullets at him and proves to be quicker in hand to hand combat. So then Slade just has to get a second wind and have enough heart and power his way to victory! Let's hope Slade's problem doesn't have to do with an opponent he can't beat in a fight. Let's hope things get a lot more complicated. I'm trusting you, Tony S Daniel! You pitched this story and it was accepted, so let's hope you didn't just walk into the editor's office and say, "Imagine this! Deathstroke takes an easy job only to find out that the job...is not easy!"

Angelica fell asleep on her George Foreman Grill.

Since I highly doubt the two men that Angelica tortured "literally squealed their hearts out," I'm going to assume the idiom she meant to use just doesn't translate well to English from Russian.

Things quickly fall apart once Slade thinks he has his mark, Opossum, cornered. But Opossum isn't cornered at all! He's just playing cornered! Instead, he has a device that emits a sound that turns Slade into a useless jelly roll. I think Slade must have gotten his super powers in a different manner than the previous ways he got his super powers because now they can be hacked by a loud sound. Which is weird since Slade already mentioned that he hates technology because it is always being hacked by young kids getting paid in weed. He said that. I didn't make that up. And now that Slade is down, he gives up some kind of code to Opossum.

Why is Slade supposedly better than other people when he uses 10% less of his brain activity than we all do? I guess the 10% of the brain Slade doesn't use houses his doubt and self-loathing and constant desire to masturbate.

Slade manages to defeat Opossum by grabbing the blade Opossum is using to cut him up and shove the hilt of it back up through Opossum's head. It makes sense if you ignore the fact Opossum was holding on to the sword and would have needed to slide his hand through the hilt guard to lose that kind of control over it. Otherwise, he might have just banged the hilt up into his cheek or something. You know, at best. But that's okay! I understand from having read Daniel's early Hawkman and Detective Comics issues that Daniel's isn't really very good at telling a story using sequential art. He really does need a writer to get the best work out of him.

Opossum's back-up arrives in a VTOL and bombs the building down to its foundation.

And then it's Double Splash Page #2! Sure, there's a little panel down in the lower right but it doesn't really count.

Deathstork Deathstroke begins to kill every member of Opossum's back-up even thought they aren't on the list. I guess it's okay for Deathstroke to kill people that are actively trying to kill him. Then there's almost a third Double Splash Page! But I can't actually count it because it has six sequential panels along the bottom that continue the story. And that story is that Deathstroke killed everybody but Opossum. Surprise! He wasn't actually dead! Now I wonder where he got his name? From running between people's houses at night hissing like a maniac?

Deathstroke makes his way to some guy named I-Ching who owes him a favor. That's where he collapses with his brains falling out all over the floor. Well shit. Now he's only going to be able to use 80% of his brains.

Sixteen days later, Slade Wilson wakes up in a new body. One with two eyes and black hair and rippling, young muscles, and a tight, unsullied sphincter. Or maybe he's just much younger than he used to be. Who knows? It really just screams of a writer whose pitch for this book was, "Imagine Deathstroke suddenly being totally different without any connection to what made him Deathstroke when the comic book began! Imagine how freeing that would be to me, the writer! No more eye patch! No more old guy! No more family! No more bullshit, fucked up history with three or four different versions. And I'm only counting the versions after the Reboot! Imagine all the money I'll make!"

Deathstroke #1 Rating: Who the fuck knows?! Deathstroke got his ass completely kicked which should never happen except all of those times it always happens because the plot needs some kind of tension. And then Opossum gets his brains knocked out but he regenerates almost immediately and is just fine. So he's got better powers than Slade since Slade got some of his brains knocked out and it took him sixteen days to heal. And he didn't even heal from his own powers, apparently. I think he got dunked in a Lazarus Pit since he was covered in blood. That probably also explains why he's suddenly so much younger. Plus he has an enemy named Odyssey and he has a head that can be tinkered with by radio waves and he has a girlfriend named Angelica that is probably dead because her name isn't Opossum so she doesn't know the "seems dead" trick. I guess I'm starting this comic book in the middle of the rankings. And I guess I'm also starting a tradition of starting all non-Nocenti, non-Lobdell comics in the middle of the rankings!

Arkham Manor #1

I have no idea what the fuck this title is about but at least it isn't Tony S. Daniel's Deathstroke. Ugh. That's next!

The issue begins with that minor incident that just took place in Batman Eternal #29. You know the one? The one where God's Wrath (or Man's Wrath (or, let's face it, just plain old Jim Corrigan's Wrath)) shot up through Arkham Asylum from underground where Deacon Maxie Blackfire Zeus cast some spell on old Jimmy. It's probably Corrigan's fault for not releasing The Spectre earlier like Batwing kept suggesting. Instead he kept it pent up inside until he couldn't contain it anymore. And now that Arkham has been destroyed, where are the crazy people (or the even crazier people that think getting off on an insanity plea in Gotham is better than going to Blackgate) going to live?

Oh! Wayne Manor! I get it now! I guess with Batman busy chasing down Hush, and Alfred busy hallucinating his ass off in the ruins of Arkham, and Penny-Two having always wanted to open a Bed and Breakfast, everything has aligned to make Wayne Manor the perfect place to rehabilitate the criminally insane!

But first, everybody needs to argue about whose backyard will have all the entertaining new neighbors in it.

This series is going to be an entertaining, joke-filled look at mental illness, right? I can't wait!

Mayor Hady, using the vile, evil right of eminent domain (a "right" that probably cost me millions of dollars in inheritance money since my grandfather's family owned a bunch of orchards along Wolfe Road in Sunnyvale but had to sell at a low, low cost of pennies on the pennies because the government is, and always has been, full of assholes) decides Wayne Manor is the place the insane outta be. Sounds good! Although I hope the Batcave has its own bathroom or Penny-Two is going to have to poop in the Batmobile.

A note says that this issue takes place after Batman Eternal #30 which I haven't read yet! I hope I don't get any spoilers! I knew I should have violated the sanctity of the comic book stack and read Batman Eternal #30 this morning!

Uh oh. I think I just read a spoiler about "the idiot son" having lost the family fortune! I think he still had all of his money at the end of Batman Eternal #29! Did Hush steal his debit card and guess that the secret pin was 537154? That's as close as I can get to making Catwoman's name out of numbers!

Batman does some Narration Boxing so that the reader understands that he allowed this to happen. Sure you did, Bat-Genius! Unless it's all explained in Batman Eternal #30! If it is, then I'll apologize for calling you a Bat-Genius.

Nobody noticed the secret staircase behind the grandfather clock? Or the firemen's poles that appear when you push the button in the bust of Christopher Marlowe?

Apparently Batman filled the staircase with concrete. And I think he got rid of the poles years ago because they were just too campy. It seems he doesn't mind giving his house over to Gotham so the criminally insane have a safe place to live. And also a place to keep the rest of Gotham safe from them. He seems to really care about the needs of Arkham's old inmates, mostly because his father wanted the mentally ill of Gotham treated better. Usually Batman doesn't think twice about putting a mentally ill person in the hospital. But for now, he's pretending he cares. I can't wait until he drops the facade and starts making jokes about schizophrenia!

No wonder Batman is afraid his secret identity will get out. Just think of all the lawsuits that would be filed against him for criminal assault!

Bruce Wayne has rented an apartment somewhere in Gotham that he has yet to gentrify. Alfred is there getting drunk because, having recently been pumped full of Scarecrow's special "Piss and Children's Tears" Fear Formula, he's realized life's too short not to throw it all away in nightly bouts of drunkenness. Also, Alfred's back?! Spoiler!

Alfred informs Bruce that something has happened back at Arkham Manor that Batman should probably look into. Did they forget to bring Batcow? One of Alfred Pennyworth the Cat's catnip meeses? Alfred's twelve inch butt plug? Penny-two?!

Oh. The Scarlet Sodomite was killed in Alfred's old room. I guess Batman should investigate that.

Bullock reveals to Batman that another inmate was killed earlier as well. And that's when Batman realizes it's time to institute Plan "This Plan Always Works" Plan. You know the one! The one where Batman (or Nightwing) pretends to be somebody else and gets admitted to Arkham? It's the best way to solve cases! I think it's also the reason inmates constantly broke out of Arkham. Because they'd stumble upon one of Batman or Nightwing's secret escape hatches that they used to get out once they solved the case from inside Arkham.

Arkham Manor #1 Rating: I think I'll enjoy this series for as long as it goes because it's something different and enclosed within a small world. It's kind of the exact opposite of Batman Eternal. But they'd better start making jokes at the expense of the mentally ill already so I can have something to be pretend angry about! This one can begin in the middle of the pack to sink or swim on its own merits.

World's End #3

Meatloaf sure puts on a crazy show.

If you hadn't noticed, Meatloaf is down in the lower left corner rocking out of the UPC label. This sentence should probably be a "do anything for love" joke but I'm not a complete hack. No matter what my mother says.

Last issue, Twofer Starfire (the "War" member of the Four Horsewomen of Apokolips) took control of Tornado Lane, Power Girl, and The Huntress because women are easy to manipulate. Unless her real reason was that men are useless assholes. It's one of those, depending on how big of an asshole you are, or how easy you are to manipulate.

That joke probably needs an explanatory footnote because I don't trust people to understand the complex relationship between the last two sentences. But I'm not going to add a footnote because I don't understand the complex relationship between any of my sentences. I'm not sure I even need most of these sentences.

The title of this issue is "Furies" which is an anagram of "Rufies" which must be why the females are acting so strangely. So now it's four women against Replacement Batman because Val-el is a Pacifist. Is it ironic that "fist" is part of "pacifist"? No? Fuck you.

While little K'li takes over Europe by enslaving Earth-2's wonders, the other Horsewomen use farts.

Big flaming farts! Big gassy farts! Big bubbly farts!

While Earth-2 is casually destroyed by the Apokoliptian Golden Girls, the World Government discusses how they're going to spend their final twenty-three days of life before Apokolips rams Earth-2. Most of them want to spend it torturing Mister Miracle because he's from Apokolips, so fuck him. Others want to blow their nuclear load all over Apokolips. They built the arsenal of nuclear missiles so why not use it before they die, you know? Seems reasonable. Although can ICBMs reach escape velocity? Hee hee. I See BMs.

Meanwhile in Chicago, Twofer Dick Grayson keeps a journal. What's that?! A JOURNAL! Hey kids! You know what time it is?!

Over in London, John Constantine (the real John Constantine! Not that married Twofer asshole that might kind of actually represent the Hellblazer Constantine! The one that can probably say cunt without everybody getting all up in arms about it! Fucking Americans. It's just a bloody word, ya feckin' gits!) is being hunted by the Helmet of Doctor Cocoa Puffs, even though it should be trying to save the world. I guess it wants a more powerful host more than it wants a world not completely destroyed by alien invaders.

The action moves back to Geneva so I guess I'm going to get plot whiplash as the comic spends two pages in each location before moving on. In Geneva, Tornado Lane gets the blue screen of death and she has to reboot. That wipes War's influence from her mind. To break the spell on the other women, she smashes them into the ground as hard as her tornado power will let her. She smashes the guy's into the ground as well because fuck men, amirite? Somehow it works even though Power Girl is knocked silly while at the same time, The Huntress's brains aren't splattered all over Austria. Belgium? Denmark?

I should probably look at a map sometime!

Back in Amazonia, Jimmy falls into a sex trance about his mom.

Yeah, that's it! Rub them mama meals, Jimmy!

While Jimmy ruins his underwear in front of everyone, Khan, Sloan, Terrific, and Dodds agree to release Mister Miracle, Big Barda, and Fury so that they can follow them to Apokolips. At that exact same moment, Big Barda, Fury, and Mister Miracle break out of captivity and ruin everybody's plans.

Some Twofer versions of The Usual Earth are busy trying to figure out Mother Box. One is called Ted and one is called Linda but there's also a Crane and a Holland. Also there are only three scientists, and Ted is not Linda. So Holland might not be Alec Holland and Crane might not be Jonathan Crane. Unless the owl watching them is Holland. Or Linda is the Holland? Or maybe I shouldn't read too much into the names since they're not very smart and they need Jimmy Olsen to help them with Mother Box.

Replacement Batman, The Worlds' Finest Girls, Val-el, and Tornado Lane all decide to venture into the Geneva Fire Pit and shut it down. Although it seems like it's already vomited forth the worst thing it could.

I like how Tornado Lane declares she'll be safe due to her robot body then decides to go with Replacement Batman who, last time I checked, doesn't have a replacement body. Even though I call him Replacement Batman. Maybe if he dies, Great Grandfather Wayne will take over the role.

I know, I know! You don't have to tell me that the World Army is sending them equipment to enter the pit. Although, really, what good is equipment going to do a regular mortal when it was built to protect a guy like Commander Steel? Oh wait. Did Steel have super powers before he went in the pit?!

Queen Lantern and Aquawoman get a few pages at the end of the comic book. It looks like Pestilence got away and Death has taken over Atlantis. Also, London never fell to Meatloaf like the cover suggested.

World's End #3 Rating: No change. The only real problem with these weekly comic books is that they have so many plot threads happening, it gives me vertigo shifting from one thread to the next every one or two pages. Otherwise, I like having a lot going on and being able to revisit the story each week. Why aren't all comic books published this way?! Make the artists work faster and lets go weekly!

Batman Eternal #29

This cover needs to be set to music. iTunes, give me a song! Really? Johnette Napolitano's version of "The Scientist"? Hmm, okay. It kind of works. It's also turned me into a quivering ball of sadness. Thanks a lot, iTunes!

I currently have iTunes set to display the songs by artist and the second song is Al Stewart's "The Year of the Cat." So now I have to listen to that before reading Batman Eternal. Also before reading the comic, here's evidence that my iTunes is constantly high.

No, iTunes! Those are not the same movie! Bad iTunes! I'm gonna rub your nose in the Underworld soundtrack!

Well I just wasted an hour listening to music now. But looking at the clock, I didn't waste any time at all! Maybe only seven minutes! I just traveled backwards through time! I should contact some scientists with my formula for time travel! First you listen to The Scientist, then Year of the Cat, then Bill and Annie by Chuck Brodsky, then Happy Birthday by Concrete Blonde, and finally a remix of The New Kids on the Block's Tonight! And whammo blammo! Time travel! I'm going to be rich!

Although I really only time traveled backwards about the amount of time it took to listen to those songs. So I guess you could just skip listening to the songs and just spend that time doing something else. Or I guess you could wash the dishes while listening to those songs and then travel back one hour to do something you'd rather have been doing. But then does that make the dishes dirty again? And do I have to watch my past self wash the dishes while I masturbate to pornographic cartoons on the television? And if I'm within hearing range of the songs, will I time travel back again? This house is going to get really crowded! And sticky!

Currently beneath Arkham Asylum (or is it Wayne Asylum now?), Blackfire (who is possessing Maxie Zeus) is fiddling with the Feng Shui of the catacombs by trying to find the right place to set up his new Jim Corrigan. And The Joker's Daughter is tormenting some whiner in a crate that apparently needs to go to the hospital. I hope it's not Batwing because the person in the crate sounds like a cowardly, faithless atheist.

My friend Soy Rakelson used to end most theological discussions between us with, "Where's your faith?" Well, Soy. I had to dispense with my faith to bolster my willpower just to keep from slapping that stupid fucking question right out of your face. "Where's your faith?" Fuck you, that's where! As if having great faith is something to aspire to! You might as well celebrate willful ignorance!

Oh! There's Batwing. Battling some underwater horror.

Batwing finally gets back in radio contact with The Jeezly Crow Batman to let Batman know that Arkham is fucked and Deacon Blackfire has come back from Hell. Instead of hanging up on Batwing thinking it's some sort of prank, Batman believes him. But now the World's Greatest Detective has a mysterious mystery on his hands: is Hush working with Deacon Blackfire? Or has Deacon Blackfire's return from Hell just happened to coincide with the biggest attack on Gotham since the last twenty big attacks on Gotham?

I know Batman is the World's Greatest Detective but that's because he knows how to delegate. So Penny-Two and the Bat-Computer get busy trying to figure out how Arkham is involved. The first step is to figure out The Riddler's cypher that Batwing found. The second step is probably to read the cypher after it's cracked so they can figure out the third step.

Batwing discovers Deacon Blackfire invoking his grand incantation on Jim Corrigan as the followers of Blackfire begin to break free of his thrall, and the Bat-Computer finishes breaking The Riddler's code. The message is, of course, enigmatic. For the reader, anyway! I'm sure The Batman will know what it means. And then Blackfire finishes his spell.

Vengeance for everybody!

Batman Eternal #29 Rating: No change. I don't feel like this issue gave me enough story! I suppose I could read the next issue but that would be violating the order of the stack. And I've already violated it too much by leaving the last ten September Futures End books for whenever I feel like finishing the Goggles story.

Futures End #25

DC should include a pull-out poster that unfolds into the long, pink Preboot background that's been stretching across the cover since Issue #23.

I recently posted a quote from Generation X by Douglas Coupland about how depressing it is when a friend buys a house because they lose something of their personality to their investment of such a profoundly expensive and long-term commitment. That may be true but I find it depressing in another way. When I recently returned from visiting my friend Doom Bunny in Denver (where I stayed with his family in their house), I told the Non-Certified Spouse, "Remind me how depressed I feel now the next time I act excited to go visit Doom Bunny in a year or two." Because I'd forgotten how depressed the trip made me the time previous until a few days into the visit when I began to feel awkward and hopeless. You see, the depression doesn't stem from the points Douglas Coupland made. I don't really see any substantial changes in my friend Doom Bunny now that he has a family and is married and owns a home. No, he was always meant for that because he fit in long before marriage or kids or home ownership. Society has always worked for him. What depresses me is that I can't find that place of comfort and ease and fitting in. Being there simply reminded me that I do not belong in the culture I was born into. I cannot find security and happiness without making some serious trade offs to who I am. Hell, I don't even know if I could attempt to make those trade offs. It takes something that I don't have within me. And it isn't that I don't want to be a cog in the machine. I would love to be a happy little peaceful cog in the machine! It's that my cog simply wasn't made for this machine. And there is no starker reminder that I don't fit in then spending time with somebody who wholeheartedly does (or, at least, seems to).

I wrote something many years ago about how I know the secret to being happy. But knowing the secret and knowing that you are unable to execute that secret is far more depressing than not knowing at all. Like Fox Mulder, I want to believe. I would love to fit, and to do what needs to be done without any qualms, to be able to make friends as an adult, to be able to interact with human beings, to take a job and put my head down and collect my benefits and feel secure and, well, to feel...complacent. I've lived forty years on this stinking planet and I have no idea how they all do it. So I guess I'll just keep on bumbling about the labyrinth, trying not to give too many fucks about it, and hiding myself in comic book worlds.

Ugh. I just want to delete the previous two paragraphs. But then I'd have to think up something else to write! Laziness trumps whatever that other emotion I am feeling is!

Currently, the New Stormwatch's old ship, the Carrier, is being overrun with Baby Brainiacs.

What the fuck, Black Adam? You use magic! Stop being so judgmental and/or hypocritical! Also, how is "punching something" modern?!

Everybody is relying on Angie the Engineer to interface with The Carrier and get it started again. Aren't any of them suspicious that The Engineer, who is constantly being taken over by other intelligences, has shaken off Brainiac's control so easily?! She's probably going to download Brainiac right into the Carrier so that the can travel the Bleed and invade Earth next issue! I only say "next issue" as a way of saying he'll be able to reach Earth quickly. But as we have seen, the plot moves so slowly in this comic book that it'll still probably take him a few more months.

Maybe I'm being too suspicious. I don't like being too suspicious! It makes me feel like I'm a regular denizen of the internet that doesn't believe anything simply so that they'll never be fooled by anyone.

I hope they hyperbled into the Pre-Crisis DC Universe!

I think I use too many exclamation points. But how is the reader supposed to know how exciting everything is if I don't use them? The reader might get bored if I just use periods all of the time. See? This paragraph is intensely boring. I'm falling asleep typing it. Oh period. You are so dull!

While fighting robots in space is well deserving of lots and lots of exclamation points, meeting the new Team Seven is worth whatever the opposite of the exclamation point is. The dexclamation point?

I wish a lexicon was a collection of words that mean the opposite of other words.

The new Team 7 (or should it be Team 8?) Ha ha! That looks like a funny face! 8?) Ha ha!

Um, anyway, the new Team 7 is composed of Fifty Sue, Deathstroke, Grifter, King Faraday, and Twofer Lana Lang. That makes it comprised of 40% old Team 7 members! Unless my calculator is lying to me.

Faraday teleports away because he can teleport and because he doesn't want to be a part of Team 7+. Now 50% of the team is comprised of old Team 7 members! I hope I'm impressing everyone with my mathematical abilities.

Fifty Sue wants to take Cadmus Island back from Brother Eye and to do that, she needs one of the team members to sacrifice themselves. I suppose that's going to have to be Twofer Lana Lang since nobody cares about Twofers.

Oh yeah. Superman is fighting the Mighty Morphin' Anger Ranger. It's actually much more exciting than that last sentence made it sound but I thought I should lay off the exclamation points for awhile.

Constantine explains to Superman that Brainiac isn't just a smart robot whose name came to be used as a sarcastic way of calling people stupid. He's actually some kind of God Machine that falls out of the sky to completely obliterate the plot. Constantine also mentions that he exists outside of space and time which must be why he lives in a black hole (as seen in Doomed #2).

Superman battles the Mighty Morphin' Anger Ranger while Constantine babbles on and on about Brainiac. After Superman defeats the robot, Constantine says, "Oh yeah. If you defeat the machine, you'll fail." Whoops! Maybe he should have mentioned that first thing. Constantine surmises that the machine was just a measuring instrument to figure out how strong Superman was so that Brainiac could destroy him when Brainiac (the real, God Machine Brainiac) finally arrives on Earth. Constantine's plan is to chase the Measuring Machine through a cosmic portal to infinity located somewhere in New Jersey. Because if they don't stop it, the Earth is doomed. Probably. I just made that up because isn't that always what happens if comic book characters don't do what needs to be done?

Back at Columbia University, Madison moves a little too quickly for Ronnie Raymond which causes him to flee back to his ex-boyfriend for advice on whom he should speak with about heterosexual problems.

They aren't really friends! They're ex-lovers! That was too exciting a revelation for mere periods.

What actually happened is that Ronnie heard one of those ubiquitous news broadcasts informing everybody that needs to know that a tidal wave was about to hit Samoa. What better opportunity to get some sex with an ex than a natural disaster? Mergetown, USA, here Ronnie comes! And Jason too, probably.

Jason isn't at all happy to see Ronnie. Who would be? They were married way back in The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #0 and then Ronnie started denying his homosexuality and trying to bang cheerleaders. I bet, in his anger, Jason uses him as the first ever non-Justice League Member human teleportation guinea pig!

Sniff, sniff. This moment is practically lifted straight from an Armistead Maupin book.

Professor Toomuchsake has been spying on Jason in the lab and now knows he and Ronnie Raymond are Firestorm. And since Professor Toomuchsake thinks the Justice League is responsible for every death in the world because they haven't given the public their teleportation technology, he now plans on getting revenge against Jason. Which probably means using Jason (and maybe Ronnie as well) as his soon-to-be Brundlefly.

Futures End #25 Rating: No change. I don't care about Jason and Ronnie so the whole last half of this issue was wasted on their love affair. Why can't they just fuck already? And I don't mean merge as Firestorm! They need to forget about being a hero and concentrate on being a couple. What I really wanted to read about was where New Stormwatch went in their carrier! With all of these Preboot images on the last few covers, and then Constantine's revelation that Brainiac exists outside of space and time, I'm really hoping the New Stormwatch takes a trip to any one of the Preboot DC Universes!

Batwoman #35

Whoops, Kate! Your fly is down!

Oh! Oh! I know who all of these unknowns are!

"Feet of Clay." Wonder Woman!
"We're all mad here." The Cheshire Cat!
Batwoman!
"The clothes make the man." George Zimmer!
"Hell breaks loose." Who cares? What I'm wondering is how many internet fuckdummies are confused by the phrase "Hell breaks loose"?

Internet Fuckdummy: "That doesn't make any sense? Hell breaks doesn't win? What looser let that mistake make the cover!"

Now when I call somebody an "internet fuckdummy," realize that I'm not calling out young people who have learned to read on the internet from other people with a scant hold on the English language themselves. My cousin who is in her fifties, who constantly posts on Facebook about grammar pet peeves and spells well and types beautifully coherent sentences, still invariably types "loose" when she means "lose." I have a feeling we've seen the last generation to spell "lose" with just one "o." At this point, it seems like one of those natural changes that the majority take as fact and thus the language is changed forever. The extra "o" is in the saddle and rides mankind's ass until it's raw and bleeding and mankind screams, "Okay! Okay! OOKAY!"

Also, should ye be one of those internet fuckdummies and think I'm being ridiculously harsh on you, remember this: we're all internet fuckdummies in our own way. Just, you know, some of us know how to spell "lose." Also, some of us know on which side of the quotation mark that previous period should have been. I, sadly, am not one of those people. Stupid interent fuckdummy. This issue begins with Batwoman in a space suit gazing on the most miraculous site she has ever sighted.

"My God. It's full of 'O's!"

Seeing that last issue ended with Batwoman, while wearing frilly little panties, being sexily bitten by a vampire, it makes sense that this issue begins with Batwoman in a space suit orbiting the Earth battling demons with a hodgepodge assortment of heroes and villains. Unless it makes the opposite of sense? Perhaps it's a mystery! A "MYSTERY IN SPACE!" That's the title of this issue although I think I'd quibble about calling where they're located in orbit as "space." Maybe "MYSTERY IN EARTH'S ORBIT" would be more accurate. Sure, you can call that space! I won't argue with you! But when somebody calls their comic book "MYSTERY IN SPACE," I'm expecting an adventure on alien planets in far off solar systems! Then you'd be able to argue that fighting in Earth's orbit is more of a "MYSTERY IN SPACE" than being on another planet even though that planet is located in a different part of space than our planet is located. That comic should probably be called "MYSTERY ON AN ALIEN PLANET."

Jesus Christ. I'm even beginning to annoy myself. Let's just find out why Etrigan is back, shall we?

I'm sure he does.

For those who don't know the poem, here's how it appears in Immortalia: An Anthology of American Ballads, Sailors' Songs, Cowboy Songs, College Songs, Parodies, Limericks, and Other Humorous Verses and Doggerel printed in 1927:

"There was an old man from Nantucket,
Whose cock was so long he could suck it;
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
'If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it.'"

Here's another one from the same book that I rather enjoyed:

"There was an old lady named Tucket
Who went to hell in a bucket;
When she did get there
And they asked her for fare,
She lifted her skirts and said, 'Suck it!'"

Here's another classy bit from the book from a story called "The Night of the King's Castration":

"He had Daniel cast unto the lions. Any man would have died of fright but not Daniel, who boldly strode forth, grabbed a lion's left nut very tight, and mightily squeezed all his worth. Then the lion cried, 'Ouch, it tickles.' 'May I ask what tickles,' said Daniel. Said the lion, 'My dear boy, testicles,' and he laughed 'til he was dead."

Maybe I should change my blog name to Eee! Tess Tickles Chai Tea. Hmm, that might need a little work.

Wait! This story about the King's Castration is too good to not quote a bit more:

"And the king went to the locker where his private crapper stood, and he shit three pounds of butter--And earned the name of King Dairyass."

Why am I reading comic books? This story is so much better! Although the ending is rather weak:

"So then they had a foreskin race, where length and trigger-speed both counted. "Daniel! Come forth! said the king with his face--And Daniel came came fifth and lost the race!"

I don't get it! "Daniel came came fifth"? I think there is some kind of innuendo about Daniel coming on the king's face? Maybe?

Anyway, before I get back to Batwoman, how about one more of these artistic limericks, hmm?

"There was an old lady from Grott,
Who lived on green apples and snot;
When she couldn't get these,
She lived on the cheese
She scraped from the end of her twat."

Ah! American Literature at its finest! And now back to our regularly scheduled comic book!

Well, this might explain why Etrigan is involved. Although that doesn't explain why Etrigan called this Batwoman's quest.

Morgan le Fay manages to reduce Etrigan to a skeleton (which never finished him before!) and explode Clayface into millions of spheroids of mud (which never finished him before) while trying to place a green glowing rock into a satellite. She probably should have added the rock to the satellite before it launched. That's the easier way to send payloads into space. But then, she's a witch so she doesn't properly understand technology.

Batwoman stabs her with a piece of the satellite she vandalized while Clayface reforms and helps Ragman and Alice back on the shuttle. Batwoman retreats into the shuttle with the rest of them and they flee back toward Earth, running over Morgan le Fay on the way who manages to hold on to the windshield, cracking it up as they reenter the atmosphere. The issue ends with Clayface and Ragman covering Batwoman and Alice (Elizabeth?) with their bodies to protect them against the heat of reentry.

Although, I think they forgot to remove the glowing stone from the satellite. That might be a problem! Although if it is a problem, we won't know about it for at least two issues since it looks like next issue will explain what the fuck just happened here.

Batwoman #35 Rating: No change. It gets lots and lots of pluses for the cast and the adventure! But it gets lots and lots of minuses for telling the story the way it was told! I don't totally mind having a story begin like this and eventually get around to explaining how things led to this point. But it's a bit weird to have it done after the way Issue #34 ended. It's too jarring having one story end with a vampire bite cliffhanger only to have another story begin in mid-space (orbit!) battle! Traditional ways of telling stories are traditional for a reason! Because white, straight people made them that way and we should all try to be more like white, straight people! Unless it's for some other reason. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. Here, have another limerick before I go:

"I love her in the evening gown,
I lover her in her nightie;
But when moonlight flits
Between her tits,
Jesus Christ, almighty!"

New Guardians #35

I think I know what the life equation is! Penis + Vagina - Butthole + Marvin Gaye + 9 Months - Falling Down Stairs = Life!

Okay, class. Enough giggling over the title of this cosmic crisis, Godhead. This will be a classy, intellectual discussion about a comic book. How dare you expect anything less.

The issue begins with the Bohemian Guardians informing Kyle Rayner that he has done what nobody thought possible: he has passed through the Source Wall and returned. For some reason, nobody has ever thought to go over or under it since it's just a normal wall in space. It's not like it's the inside of a shell that stretches off in all directions. It's just a fucking wall! I guess being comic book characters, they're not used to thinking in three dimensions. Also they're stuck inside of panels so if the Source Wall can stretch from panel border to panel border, they can't get around it.

Judging by the look on Carol's face, there's one thing he isn't capable of! I'm guessing the Life Equation has no variable for clitoris.

Kyle realizes the Bohemian Guardians manipulated him into hiding for fear that he would be hunted down for the Life Equation. I guess once a Guardian, always a Guardian, no matter how many daisy chains they wear in their hair. But now the New Gods know of his existence anyway, so the running and hiding option was a big failure. I guess Kyle can go back to the Green Lanterns and let them know he's alive. I bet they all act like their feelings are hurt instead of being happy that he's still alive. I only guess that because all comic book characters are pouting, narcissistic assholes.

Just rewrite them out of existence, Kyle. The DC Universe is better off without any living Oans.

When Kyle decides he's done hanging out with the manipulative little blue bastards, they turn on him. They try to remove the Life Equation from Kyle against his will which causes some kind of hell to break loose. It's the kind of hell that catches the attention of Highfather. You know, the guy the Bohemian Guardians were trying to hide Kyle from? So, you know, good job, Hippies.

Heh heh heh. "Godhead." Heh heh he...ahem. Sorry. Sorry.

After whatever Kyle and Highfather just did to each other, Highfather BOOM Tubes the Bohemian Guardians back to San Francisco. Or maybe some Acid Factory in the forests of Northern California. It hardly matters. Highfather has earned Kyle's trust by sending them away and now he can take his time stealing the Life Equation from Kyle. Even though they don't trust him, Kyle and Carol decide to follow Highfather to New Genesis because he seems to be the only one that can help them. Just like how the Bohemian Guardians seemed to be helping! Or Hal Jordan! Or the Zamarons! I think the only thing I'm learning from all the Green Lantern comic books is that bosses are assholes. Although I wouldn't mind working for Guy Gardner! But don't make me work with John Stewart! I don't want to die!

Eww! Didn't you see what he just had in his mouth?!

New Guardians #35 Rating: No change. The worst part about these multi-title crossovers is that you eventually get chapters like this where it feels like not much has really happened. I suppose getting rid of the Bohemian Guardians (for now!) was the best part of this Act.