World's End #4

Is this the scariest image of Death the World's End creators could come up with? A pregnant woman with a mullet?

I don't have a problem with mullets. I think it's about time we all stop shaming people for poor fashion choices and haircuts everybody knows look fucking awful. Let people do what they want! Besides, the only reason people with mullets get ridiculed so much is because mainstream society has designated mullets as one of the few choices a person makes that can be wholeheartedly made fun of. It's disgusting and we should all stop doing it immediately. Or we should allow that it's okay to make fun of anybody for any reason at all.

What I'm actually waiting for is for somebody to come up with a medical diagnosis that causes a person to have to have a mullet so that mullet wearers can have a label just like everybody else. That way when someone makes fun of them, they can pull out their label and reverse shame the shamer! "How dare you?! I have a condition! A condition, you unsympathetic bastard!" Sometimes I think the reason everybody wants to be diagnosed with something is so that they have some kind of defense against assholes. "I have social anxiety, you dick! You're not allowed to make jokes at my expense!"

Fuck labels. You don't need a label to defend yourself. You just need the confidence to be yourself and to shout, "FUCK YOU, YOU MISERABLE PIECE OF SHIT!" whenever anybody targets you with the slightest, most innocuous, probably not even meant the way you interpreted it comments! This ability has allowed me to survive amongst a whole host of extroverted monsters constantly trying to get me to participate in their "society." And they rarely ever tell me they have a condition when I start making fun of them!

Extrovert: "Why are you constantly inside on the computer? You should come to my party this weekend!"
Tess: "FUCK YOU, YOU NEEDY BASTARD! 'Daddy! Daddy! Look at me!'"
Extrovert: "What the hell? Are you okay? It's just, you seem to be missing out on life."
Tess: "FUCK YOU! Drinking yourself into a stupor every weekend and fucking a different face every night will be a grand legacy to leave to all of your bastard children!"
Extrovert: "Jesus. Sorry I tried to help. You really could use some fresh air. And maybe a shower."
Tess: "FUCK YOU! I'll shower when I'm good and ready and not sad, you dickhole!"
Extrovert: "Fine! I'm leaving!" (Extrovert leaves)
Tess: "Why doesn't anybody ever want to do anything with me?"

I have no idea what's been going on with Fury, Scott, and Barda's relationship with the people of Earth-2 which, I think, means I'm as confused as the writers. But it seems the writers are finally settling on an alliance between groups.

Back in Geneva, Switzerland (I forgot to look at a map! Luckily, the editors finally told me where Geneva is located. Although they're probably wrong since they don't even know where the Fortress of Solitude is located half of the time), Replacement Batman and his team prepare to enter the Geneva Firepit to look for clues. I never watched much Blue's Clues but I'm confident that the clues they will find will be fire, heat, and third degree burns. Salt and Pepper agree with me.

The scene shifts to Apokolips where my entire day is ruined by what Apokolips (the planet is a person is a throne is a thing? What?) and his sniveling court of snivelers discuss.

No! Not that! Not Scott Lobdell's boring, fucked up versions of the Silver Surfer and Galactus combined with bits of The Watcher.

This Apokoliptian Court needs more intrigue and dances and wigs and John Malkoviches.

Atlantis has fallen to Death so Aquawoman does what the World Army would in a losing situation: she launches the Armageddon Bomb. Or whatever Atlantis's equivalent to a doomsday device is. It's probably the Kraken. Or a giant squid that spins its tentacles really quickly so that it can fly and then spray hallucinogenic ink all over the world causing everyone to think their own flesh is made of delicious, gooey caramel.

And then Solomon Grundy returns to hassle Alan Scott. Because the Apokoliptian invasion wasn't enough! I suppose Grundy being the Avatar of the Grey (not to be confused with the Avatar of the Gray who is the avatar of fungus. Grundy is the Earth-2 Avatar of The Rot), he's going to be attracted to the death and destruction left behind in Pestilence's wake.

Some other things that happen: Dick and Babs decide to begin some kind of crime fighting unit in Chicago; Barda, Fury, and the Three Misters decide to infiltrate Apokolips and kill its living heart; Desaad reappears inside the Fire Pit in Geneva. None of it is terribly funny.

World's End #4 Rating: No change. Why is everything ending? Worlds and futures! At least Batman is eternal so we don't have to worry about him. But I am kind of worried about the pacing on this comic book and how much trouble it is to comment on when each thread of the plot reveals itself one or two pages at a time. I may have to change my style on my commentaries for this book and actually read the entire comic book before writing about it. What a pain in the ass you are, World's End! FUCK YOU!

World's End #3

Meatloaf sure puts on a crazy show.

If you hadn't noticed, Meatloaf is down in the lower left corner rocking out of the UPC label. This sentence should probably be a "do anything for love" joke but I'm not a complete hack. No matter what my mother says.

Last issue, Twofer Starfire (the "War" member of the Four Horsewomen of Apokolips) took control of Tornado Lane, Power Girl, and The Huntress because women are easy to manipulate. Unless her real reason was that men are useless assholes. It's one of those, depending on how big of an asshole you are, or how easy you are to manipulate.

That joke probably needs an explanatory footnote because I don't trust people to understand the complex relationship between the last two sentences. But I'm not going to add a footnote because I don't understand the complex relationship between any of my sentences. I'm not sure I even need most of these sentences.

The title of this issue is "Furies" which is an anagram of "Rufies" which must be why the females are acting so strangely. So now it's four women against Replacement Batman because Val-el is a Pacifist. Is it ironic that "fist" is part of "pacifist"? No? Fuck you.

While little K'li takes over Europe by enslaving Earth-2's wonders, the other Horsewomen use farts.

Big flaming farts! Big gassy farts! Big bubbly farts!

While Earth-2 is casually destroyed by the Apokoliptian Golden Girls, the World Government discusses how they're going to spend their final twenty-three days of life before Apokolips rams Earth-2. Most of them want to spend it torturing Mister Miracle because he's from Apokolips, so fuck him. Others want to blow their nuclear load all over Apokolips. They built the arsenal of nuclear missiles so why not use it before they die, you know? Seems reasonable. Although can ICBMs reach escape velocity? Hee hee. I See BMs.

Meanwhile in Chicago, Twofer Dick Grayson keeps a journal. What's that?! A JOURNAL! Hey kids! You know what time it is?!

Over in London, John Constantine (the real John Constantine! Not that married Twofer asshole that might kind of actually represent the Hellblazer Constantine! The one that can probably say cunt without everybody getting all up in arms about it! Fucking Americans. It's just a bloody word, ya feckin' gits!) is being hunted by the Helmet of Doctor Cocoa Puffs, even though it should be trying to save the world. I guess it wants a more powerful host more than it wants a world not completely destroyed by alien invaders.

The action moves back to Geneva so I guess I'm going to get plot whiplash as the comic spends two pages in each location before moving on. In Geneva, Tornado Lane gets the blue screen of death and she has to reboot. That wipes War's influence from her mind. To break the spell on the other women, she smashes them into the ground as hard as her tornado power will let her. She smashes the guy's into the ground as well because fuck men, amirite? Somehow it works even though Power Girl is knocked silly while at the same time, The Huntress's brains aren't splattered all over Austria. Belgium? Denmark?

I should probably look at a map sometime!

Back in Amazonia, Jimmy falls into a sex trance about his mom.

Yeah, that's it! Rub them mama meals, Jimmy!

While Jimmy ruins his underwear in front of everyone, Khan, Sloan, Terrific, and Dodds agree to release Mister Miracle, Big Barda, and Fury so that they can follow them to Apokolips. At that exact same moment, Big Barda, Fury, and Mister Miracle break out of captivity and ruin everybody's plans.

Some Twofer versions of The Usual Earth are busy trying to figure out Mother Box. One is called Ted and one is called Linda but there's also a Crane and a Holland. Also there are only three scientists, and Ted is not Linda. So Holland might not be Alec Holland and Crane might not be Jonathan Crane. Unless the owl watching them is Holland. Or Linda is the Holland? Or maybe I shouldn't read too much into the names since they're not very smart and they need Jimmy Olsen to help them with Mother Box.

Replacement Batman, The Worlds' Finest Girls, Val-el, and Tornado Lane all decide to venture into the Geneva Fire Pit and shut it down. Although it seems like it's already vomited forth the worst thing it could.

I like how Tornado Lane declares she'll be safe due to her robot body then decides to go with Replacement Batman who, last time I checked, doesn't have a replacement body. Even though I call him Replacement Batman. Maybe if he dies, Great Grandfather Wayne will take over the role.

I know, I know! You don't have to tell me that the World Army is sending them equipment to enter the pit. Although, really, what good is equipment going to do a regular mortal when it was built to protect a guy like Commander Steel? Oh wait. Did Steel have super powers before he went in the pit?!

Queen Lantern and Aquawoman get a few pages at the end of the comic book. It looks like Pestilence got away and Death has taken over Atlantis. Also, London never fell to Meatloaf like the cover suggested.

World's End #3 Rating: No change. The only real problem with these weekly comic books is that they have so many plot threads happening, it gives me vertigo shifting from one thread to the next every one or two pages. Otherwise, I like having a lot going on and being able to revisit the story each week. Why aren't all comic books published this way?! Make the artists work faster and lets go weekly!